13YO Makes Plans at Our House Without Asking

She does it because you "don't want to be a killjoy" and so you keep letting her get away with it. She will continue to do it if you continue to let her get away with it. It is past time to be a killjoy if you want what you say to stand.

You're not being a killjoy. You're being a parent.

Stop giving in or she will have a whole lot more issues as she grows up.

It does you no good to give in and let these kids do an end-run around you, and then seethe over it. Why do you care if you're a killjoy? Is that more important than making the kids learn what happens when they lie and try to manipulate? When you give in to this, you are telling them that this is appropriate behavior. You are enabling their behavior.

I "get" that you are taking away privileges because of her behavior. But you shouldn't have allowed that sleepover in the first place.

Stop giving her mixed messages. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to make plans with another parent without PRIVATELY coming to talk to you first. If she does, the answer will automatically be no, AND she'll have a consequence.

If this happens again, just apologize to the other mom. Say, "I'm so sorry that Suzy invited your daughter to come with us. She did not have permission to do so, and I simply can't let her get away with that. Could we reschedule for next week?" The other mom has a tween or teen, too. She understands!

You can't let her get away with going behind your back. You just can't. Other moms really will understand. You could even let them know to always check with you first.

You really do need to put your foot down. You're the mom. You're supposed to be a killjoy.

Be a killjoy. Be a parent. Say no. Stop rewarding your daughter, who is learning quickly that she can go around you because you may say no to her, but won't to her friends or her friends' parents. This is a family, not a popularity contest you don't want to lose.

Tell the other parent that the kid is pulling a fast one, and she didn't ask permission, and tonight's not a good night. Good lesson for your daughter, and (as a byproduct) for the other kid. And don't be too quick to find another night.

If you don't get a handle on a 13 year old, you will be in serious trouble when she is a defiant 15 or 17 year old taking the car, drinking, staying out past curfew, not telling you where she is.

SO WHAT if she's embarrassed in front of her friend and has to admit she's not in charge of the family?

I'd tell the other kid that the deal was 1 hour or 2, or that you knew nothing about this. Your daughter basically lied to the other parents, pretending to be you, and you let her get away with it. Any teen who thinks they can lie to Mom and Dad is going to be a nightmare. I'd not only take away the water park date or sleepover, but something else too - like a phone for a month (too immature to handle it) or a computer/iPad (too untrustworthy) or a privilege meant for a reliable and honest child and not a lying, scheming manipulator in training.

Nip it now. It will only get harder and have more dire consequences for her safety.

I think it would have been perfectly appropriate to tell the other mom that your daughter made plans without asking and that the plans don't work for you at this time.

As difficult as it is to say no, say no. Your daughter has to have consequences that will help her learn to not do this. In the incident at the water park. You had plans. You told your daughter an hour. So go for an hour if that will make you feel better. As to the overnight: just say no.

Sounds like you want to make others happy even when it inconveniences you to the point you're angry. I urge you to respect yourself enough to take care of yourself. And......to teach your daughter to make plans with you.

Take your daughter's phone and get the other mom's number and call her. Explain to her the kids are making plans and tell her it's a done deal without consulting you. Not only are they lying to you but they are lying to the other mom as well. It's time for you to get together with all the moms of your daughter's friends and set an agreement for all of you no plans for the kids are set until all the moms have agreed to the plans.
All the moms need to be on the same page.

When my kids young of iron fast rules our house was that if you ask something with the other kids standing there answer is an automatic no. You need to institute that rule.

I would have been the killjoy. Your daughter is playing you and you are letting her.

It's not her fault that you wouldn't/couldn't say no.

She knows she can manipulate you into getting her way because you are nice and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Learn to speak up and stand your ground with your daughter and other parents who assume you're ok with it.

Well...I would have said NO. No to the friend and No to the sleepover. I would have been the killjoy and I would have left after the hour or two I had committed to.

Why did she do this? Well because she knew she would be able to manipulate you. I am going on a hunch that she has done this before. So, why not again. She got what she wanted. So she looses privileges. Big deal.

I would explain to her that the gravy train is over. That I no longer had any problems being the "killjoy" and welcome to the new world order. But that is me.

Why are you letting the inmate run the asylum so to speak? My son tried this trick when he was around this age and stage of development and quickly learned I AM the QUEEN of the castle and make all the rules regarding our time. I cancelled his plans and let the other mother know that the boys were making plans out of order.

I don't care about my kids thinking I'm a killjoy because sometimes that is what a good parent is. I also used that as a teaching moment to teach my children how to properly make plans and have their plans come to pass.

I learned a long time ago to use my time wisely and to teach them to be mindful of my time as well by asking me and not dictating to me what they want to happen.

It costs to be the boss and I can be either a tyrant or extremely generous but there is a protocol involved with each. You follow the right things and you get the better results you wanted.

Good luck and enjoy all the teaching moments of them growing up because you will look back on these times with a mixed fondness as they grow up and leave the nest.

The problem that I see is in the way you are thinking about this situation - as demonstrated by your words. You use the words "killjoy", "owed them one", "on the spot", "caved" and "forced".

There will be hundreds of times during your child's teen years where quick responses will be required, hundreds of occasions where you're going to be asked for permission. If you are approaching these decisions from the standpoint of not wanting to be the killjoy, or from the point where answers depend on whom you owe or that standing firm means caving, you're in for a rough ride.

You don't owe another parent (unless it's money) when it comes to taking their child along for a fun afternoon. Certainly there are other parents with whom we are close, whose children are our frequent guests and vice versa, and it can be natural to be a little more lenient with our plans that involve those kids. But it's not a debt. It's a mutual trust and an informal arrangement that works for both families.

I encourage you to view making firm rules and being consistent as just that, not caving or being forced. Establish clear ground rules with your daughter. Write them down together so that you both are clear. You can explain to your daughter that you are the parent, and that plans involve your rearranging your schedule and respecting your husband's schedule, and that as a child, she does not get to make the plans. In fact, any plan that she does not discuss with you privately before disclosing the plans to anyone will be automatically forbidden. Establish the plan. She approaches you and requests "can we take ______ to _______?" or "can _____ come over on Tuesday?". Tell her (and this is important) that you will carefully consider her request (never just shout NO or answer on impulse - you run the risk of saying yes or no without thinking about it, and often when we're exhausted or just had a great workout or something, it can be easy to just blurt out an answer without considering it. Give yourself a time limit to think about the answer).

And if you must say no, you need to be assured that you are killing anyone's joy or caving. You are consistently and firmly parenting. Re-think your terminology. Phrase it positively.

I'm going to be blunt. You allowed yourself to be manipulated. There is no point in being angry - you have no one to blame but yourself. From now on, don't worry for one minute about being a 'killjoy'. Your daughter makes plans without clearing them, you calmly say "I'm sorry, but we already have plans, and that is not going to work." And you call the other mom and say "Janie made those plans without talking with me. Suzie can't sleep over tonight, but we hope to have her another night soon."

We have the same rule as Sherry. No asking in front of friends or other parents and putting us on the spot. It's a no every time - we started that when they were little.

This is what works for us - if I'm up for kids, I'll let the kids know. So "pool is open guys" or "this weekend is a good one for a sleepover", etc. Or if the kids ask me - I say yes if it works and no if it doesn't. No means no (no bugging me).

Being a people pleaser doesn't work. You end up being resentful and people pick up on it. My friend caves to her kids and she looks like a cranky mom, who is run off her feet.

You need to model how to say no to your daughter. Otherwise she'll become a people pleaser and not be able to say no to her friends. Then there's trouble as they get older.

Every kid tests this once in a while. Just be firm. I put it back on my kids to disappoint their friends if necessary. They learn to always check with us.

I would have said 'No' up front, finished in the few hours I planned and taken the other girl home.
Get over not wanting to be the killjoy.
Establish a firm boundary and let her know in no uncertain terms the consequences for crossing it.
I'd have my kid scrubbing all the toilets if he ever pulled something like that on me.
I really don't have to worry about it though.
He KNOWS he's not going to get his way if he doesn't clear things with me first.
You're just letting her run right over you.
You and the other girls Mom have a meeting (meet for coffee without the girls) and establish up front what communication must happen before get togethers happen.
Then stick with your rules.

Perhaps the best consequence would be that the dd has to inform the friend that mom is not going to allow the activity and then have to apologize for going behind your back and lying to the friend. I would let the other girl's mom know that in the near future you are going to say no and not let her come over but it's nothing to do with her girl. That you need to teach your daughter a lesson in listening and accepting when she's told no. Then the mom will know what's going on when it happens.

Have a glass of wine. And then tomorrow explain to her that she needs to discuss plans with you prior to asking her friends. Oh, and don't ever worry about being a "killjoy". I guarantee you most moms would totally get it if you explained the situation and had to cancel whatever plan your daughter sneakily came up with. Gotta have each other's backs!

Why are you blaming your daughter? You are the adult in this situation. You said yes in the end.

Given that I'm guessing this is a pattern, I probably would not even punish your daughter. But I would sit down with her, explain that this will NEVER (please excuse the caps, not yelling, but meant to be delivered to your daughter with that "Mom stare" ) happen again. And then make it so, Mom!

If this was 30 years ago, you could have been my mother.

My kids learned very early on that I had no problem saying No in front of a friend, and I am totally okay with telling another parent the real story. For example, to that text think you should have replied, "I already told Daughter and Friend 'No' to the sleepover. They are trying to pull one over on us."

My kids' friends know that it isn't possible to go around me, so I hold them accountable too. I never talk about things like it is a done deal; I ask a parent to confirm their permission was given.

The reason I don't say Yes when I mean No is because of my mother. I love her dearly, but she's a bit of a doormat. When my siblings and I were kids, we knew how to manipulate a situation. If we asked for something with the friend standing right there, she would almost always give in even if she would have said No if we asked privately. She might be ticked off at the moment too, but we already got what we wanted so it didn't really matter.

You will need to change how you think and react so that you're okay with being 'the killjoy'. Your daughter's behavior will change when manipulation no longer works on you.

For right now, keep in mind that you are mad because you made a choice that you didn't want to make. Your daughter's tricks are not good, but today you're mad at yourself. Put yourself in a nice long time out with a book and some tea. Or a vodka cranberry, whatever.

We've got the same rule as Sherry. If you ask in front of other kids or parents it's an automatic No. But you need to stick to it.

One the big reasons I enjoy this and similar sites is that I get to see that I was/am not alone in parenting rules.

I had no idea that other parents had the "don't ask in front of others" rule. My parents had that rule and I adopted it from them. lol

what reverendruby said.

He who pays the bills rules. Your daughter needs to learn that she is not in charge.

Don't ever feel bad about being the killjoy in any situation. If it will not this time it will not work.

If my daughter had done this to me, there would have not been any splashing at the pool let alone a sleepover. It doesn't matter that the other mother took your child for a night. The daughter's plan does not fit with your plans. Better her learn it now than later when all ____@____.com breaks loose and there are huge consequences to be paid. You have lived longer on the planet than she. So put on your big girl panties and strut them things with pride and tell her no and mean it.

I wish my kids would have tried this when they were little. Perhaps you should watch a few of the Facebook videos of upset moms who really put it out there in no uncertain terms about taking their child's friend home. In fact they have told the child to find another way home because she was not a taxi. I would have done it a bit differently but the point was made that you can't plan someone else's day without checking first.

Hope you grow a better backbone.

the other S.

I think you have to stop not wanting to "be the killjoy". Be the killjoy! Do it! That will teach your daughter she cannot just set up things behind your back and you will passively give in and let her get her way. I would feel 100% ok with saying, no I don't have time for this or it's not a good time that day. Don't worry about the other mom and the other kid. Tell the other mom, I did not agree to this and this is the first I'm hearing it. No that is not going to work for me. Let me look at my calendar and let's try to pick a day when this will work.

She's 13, it will get worse. You have to be willing to be the bad guy. I might have gone along with having the 11 yr old at the water park, but we would have left it when I needed to go get things done. 11 yr old's mom does not feel comfortable at this time for her to stay there without a parent, understandable and since your daughter threw things off, then she would have to pay by losing time there. As for the sleep over, my girls have tried that several times, on both my house and their friend's house. If there are things you were not able to do because of what your dd did, then she would have to help get them done.

I would not have caved and would have told the other mom that your dd was already told "no" and then I would have sent the friend home and my dd would be doing a boat load of chores and when she was done with that, she would shower and go to bed. Period. What you just taught your daughter was that what you say isn't what you mean and she should just go for what she wants, no matter what you say. You need to stop worrying about what the other parent may think about you, and worry more about what you are teaching/conveying to your dd.

If you had said "no" the first time, there would likely not have been a second.
Sometimes you just have to be the "bad" guy.
What you are teaching your daughter by caving every time is that she doesn't NEED your permission to do anything, because you will do whatever she wants. You are oputting your kid in charge.

The reason she's doing this is because you let her get her way every single time. I hate to tell you this but in this relationship you, as the mom, decide what will happen and what will not. You aren't her friend so stop using the word killjoy because that's not what you would be if you stopped her in her tracks by saying 'sorry but that's not happening today. call your friend back now and i'll call her mom to let her know that you didn't get an ok from me first.' I'll bet you anything that all it takes is a call or two like that and your daughter will knock it off.

The other thing is to give the other mom a heads up that all invitations will be coming directly from you from this point forward. Just let her know that her daughter is at a stage where she isn't behaving well when it comes to following directions.

I would have gone through with the swimming thing, but would have said "Oh, I'm so sorry, there must be a misunderstanding. We can't have a sleepover tonight. Let's plan one for another time." If I'm exhausted, there's no way I'm having another teenager in the house overnight.

And yeah, definitely consequences for the 13yr old. You're a "nice mom". She knows that. Don't let her manipulate you (which is EXACTLY what she did here).

I'd have her lose her priveleges. Appropriate to the situation.For example if you saved years for Disneyworld don't cancel your vacation.