13 Year Old Girl with Asperger's Tends to Be Falling into the Wrong Crowd.

Updated on July 21, 2010
J.W. asks from Lynchburg, VA
6 answers

My mom married a nice man who's daughter (my step sister) has Asperger's disease. She is now hanging around boys (no girls) and is now boy obsessed and starting to become sexually active (again, she is an immature 13 year old). The boys are losers and middle school drop outs. She is in therapy but my question is, What can I do to steer her in the right direction? Is this typical for those with Asperger's to be more immature and more boy/girl obsessed. I'm afraid she'll be raped or pregnant SOON. My mom and step father are taking all of the right precautions but more needs to be done. Any suggestions or page referrals? Thanks.

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So What Happened?

My step sister's real mother has her 65% of the time. Her mom also has Asperger's and has really dropped the ball when it comes to parenting BUT thats a whole new topic. My step father and mother are working to get her full time (and to keep her safe). My Step sister also would rather live with them because of the structure and "it's safe". When she's with her mom she is allowed to be on her cell, texting none stop, allowed to "date" boys. I will look into groups for her around our area. She needs to find friends that are like her, that she can relate too. Thanks for the advice.

Thank you everyone! This has been very helpful. I am a step mother of a 12 year old and I don't want to over step my place but I get so nervous that her mom would allow her to be put in dangerous situations. Everything that you (all) wrote will be shared w/ all parties involved. I am doing a lot more research on her condition and as a big sister i just want to say the right things and help to guide her the best I can. I am looking into groups around out area and other tools we can use as a family to guide her into making better friends and choices. Thank you guys for your quick responses and all of your help, it means the world to me! xoxo

More Answers



answers from Seattle on

Aspies respond to logic... so if someone is making a logical argument that she should sleep with them, she'll likely do so.

Same token, if someone is making a logical argument that she SHOULDN'T be sleeping with someone, she most likely won't.

The REAL key, is logic. It can't be based in emotions, and it can't be a moral argument. Of course Aspies *have* emotions, but their understanding and relating to other people's emotions, not to mention social contracts, is very very different. They tend to be extraordinarilly succesful adults, but not socially. ((A *great* example of an Aspie adult, btw, is Chloe from 24... for others, just look down any hall in the Microsoft complex)).

A problem with logical v emotive: is the "If you want me to be your friend" argument IS (at face value) a rational & logical argument... but people make the argument as an emotive one. The same way "If you want me to be your friend you won't stab me with a knife" is logical. So kids can have a LOT of sway with Aspies with the whole "If you want _______, then you do ______". Because the statement is taken at face value.

Aspie kids have hormones just like everyone else, but the *arguments* against following those hormonal impulses (in our culture) tend to be emotive and fear based, which just doesn't work in a logical context. Even the whole "imagine having a baby at 14" argument is emotive. Girls are ENTIRELY capable of being mothers (and good ones) at age 14. The emotive argument is the whole fear thing (fear of changing social commitments, school, time, etc.). An aspie girl, presented with the mom argument will usually look at each of the problems associated at teen pregnancy and calmly sort out solutions and answers that make sense to HER. The disease argument is even easier, because the answer is to use protection. Even though it's not 100% neither is getting in a car and not getting in an accident. The whole "he'll leave you" argument is also as easily dealt with by the logical brain. Over 1/2 the marriages in this country end in divorce, so it's 50/50 over whether two parents would be together ANYWAY.

The way I know parents of aspies who have handled the whole sex thing is to explain the emotions the PARENTS would have. AKA "It would make me very unhappy if you started having sex, even though I know you believe you would be capable of x,y,z... there are factors that you wouldn't be able to fully understand until you've had at least 5-10 years more experience in school and growing up. Also, the kids you would be having sex with don't have your ability to think things through. No healthy adult partner would sleep with a child because it creates an uneven relationship. So only unhealthy and mentally unstable adults have sex with teens. If you want me to be happy, you will not have sex until you are x years old, in large part so that your partners will be healthy, mature adults who also have your ability to think things through and act responsibly.

But yeah... while you can treat an aspie kid or an adhd kid just like a regular kid... it just doesn't work as well. There are a lot of aspergers support groups and sites out there that would have those 1001 tips tricks and coping mechanisms. I know most of the adhd ones, but while aspies and adhd'ers tend to get along famously, and have similar issues... the SOLUTIONS (aka tips/tricks/coping mechanisms) are often polar opposites. ((Telling an adhd kid the whole happy/unhappy thing, for example would send them into an emotive spiral.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boise on

This is normal behavior for Asperger's to be socially behind and a bit socially clueless. The best way to teach her about boys and relationships and stuff is to not let her date now, and teach her visually about it, not verbally. Talking to her about it is really a lot harder for her to process, and so is reading about proper social rules.

She needs everything social taught to her visually. It is hard for her to not trust people. Like if someone is smiling and saying nice things, it is very, very difficult for her age with Asperger's to understand that that person could be trying to hurt or use her. There are websites for aspies with tips, etc. Lonelyplanet.net I think is one of them.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I suggest that someone gets her involved in a peer group of young girls. Sometimes being among others and introducing more positive topics and people in your life can keep you more focused. Hopefully you all have some in the area. If you can not find a peer group try to start one in your own house if possible.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

Have you expressed your concerns to you parents and your step-sister?One question, why is a 13 yr old w/special needs allowed to hang out with the wrong crowd of mainly derelict teenage boys? Is she not under adult supervision? if not, she needs to be and your parents are responsible for her care. You should sit down with your s-sister her after speaking to you Mom and step Dad and getting their permission to tell all her that these boys are not good people to be friends with. Are there any type of Aspergers/Autism family support groups in your area? I imagine if you or your parents Google this topic in the area where you live, I bet you will find one. If so I would have your parents make some calls and see when and where they meet to get your entire family involved. THis also may be a good way for her to make better friends. Does your family attend church? if so, is there any type of church sponsored teen youth group she can join to make friends and be supervised while having fun while giving bk to the community . Another question, what is the relationship of your step-sister and her bio-Mom? Is bio Mom aware of the bad crowd her daughter is haning out with? If not she needs to be made aware of this by your parents so she can be supervised if she has visitation with her Mom. You have a kind heart to be concerned about your step-sister. I hope some of my ideas help her.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Richmond on

the hard fact is that all too often, society expects girls to quickly grow up once they hit puberty. the thing to do here is simple. escort her everywhere she goes. and dont take a no for an answer. parents these days are very often too afraid to be rude to some teenage boy that their daughter is probably sleeping with. get in the boys face, and tell him, you aint gettin
any here TINY TIM " go knock up someone elses daughter, you vulture
he will quickly walk way and not come back.
K. h.

' you aint gettin



answers from Boca Raton on

Ask your mom and step-dad - should they be able to gain custody - whether they would consider homeschooling her?

There are many homeschooling support and social activity groups where she could be around kids who tend to be more closely supervised. The biggest problem may be if she receives special services at school (that they may wish to continue).

If they can't get primary custody they will have much less chance of a successful intervention, imho.

She will probably have impulse control issues which means it is imperative that someone supervises her very closely. JMO

Good luck and thanks for caring about her.

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