My daughter will be 13 in 11 days and is in 7th grade. Until this year, she had no interest in boys whatsoever...not even as friends. She has a small group of close girlfriends she has had for years, she is a great student, and an athlete. This year a small group of boys joined her group of girls. Because she was socially awkward around boys in the past and they were really all just good friends, I treated the relationships with the boys similar to the ones she has with her girlfriends, within reason. The group of boys and girls will meet up to see a movie or go to a haunted house, etc. My daughter would also text and skype the boys as she does her girlfriends. Honestly, I still have NO concerns about the relationship she has with these boys. Recently she befriended another boy. Because he seemed to be interested in one of her girlfriends, I didn't think anything about it. He has since joined the group in a couple of activities, but it has become obvious that he is really her friend independent of the group. She texts, and skypes him as well. All of a sudden, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Although I wasn't completely gungho about this, I was going to let it play out, as many of her friends have had school girlfriends & boyfriends and they don't mean anything. That was until I read their skype messages. They have only been "dating" for less than 48 hours and they are "crazy" about each other. All they talk about is how happy they are and how they can't wait to see each other and how they want to kiss. My daughter wants to spend every waking second on her phone or computer, which I don't allow and isn't much different than she has always felt; however in the past she was dividing her time amonst many friends. Now she only wants to chat with one. Because they were already friends, they don't need that warming up getting to know you part of the relationship. Here is my real problem: because she has been allowed to hang out with him in the past and he lives right down the road from us and 2 days ago I would have let her hangout with him, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I think he needs a friend and a good influence and I had no problem with my daughter playing that role as a friend, but I don't want her to get overly involved with a boy at this age. I can't really forbid the relationship because I know she would just sneak, and I feel like it will run its course faster if I don't; however I only have one child and feel I need to set some ground rules...I just don't know what those are supposed to be and how to do that. Please help!!!
Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful wisdom and help! The more I think about this situation, I realize that I have a big problem with this actual boy in particular. If she would have chosen someone else, I don't think I would have ever even written the post, depending on who it was of course. All of her other friends come from families that have very similar values as we do...excellent grades, very involved in school activities and sports, etc, and slightly "strict". This boy has an older brother and a lot more freedom than I am comfortable with, and because of that he has a tendency to hang out with a lot of older kids and kids who are not necessarily great influences. With that being said, I like his personality, and he treats her VERY well, and in return she treats him well back, which I think is a positive thing. When I was young, if a boy was nice to me, I was mean to him and if he was a challenge, I treated him like gold. Anyway, I do want her to remain friends with him. I just feel like it's too much too fast, which I have expressed to her. She is a follower, which can be a little scary for a mother in situations like this. I am working on a plan setting the boundaries and limitations for their interactions. As far as her having too much free time, my daughter is very involved in volleyball...she plays different leagues just about year round; however there happens to be a little break between her school season and her club/travel season. Luckily her travel team will start up very soon which will not allow her as much time to focus on the boy. Once again, thanks to everyone who has posted! Please continue to share your thoughts and opinions!
Doors open at all times when he comes over to visit.
Stick with group type 'dates' only.
Time for a 'talk'.
Let it run it's course.
~The best advice I got from my Mother was that it is better to be chased by many boys than for me to be chasing one boy.
At thirteen boys and girls will have a boyfriend or girlfriend for about a week or so. These are the rules I had that seemed to work for my daughter. NO alone time with a boy, group setting dates, Never to be alone at his his house...EVER. GPS on her phone is a must, I have this and Ist awesome! You should have full access to all networking accounts. I do and check a lot. I read messages, texts, emails. My son is 13, he does not have knowledge I do this. He has just started to really like girls. We talk to him often about respect of girls and himself.
What activities is she involved in. Make sure she stays involved and does not make him her whole world. My son is a hockey player and it really takes up a lot of time. Mom time is important to. Do fun things together. She is only 13 and your the most influentual person in her life. Also, you can forbid anything you want. Your her Mom.
She is almost 13 and at the age where she will begin some interest in boys.
I HOPE you have had open communication with her for many years because that is vital for the teen years and on.
If you "forbid" the friendship, rest assured, she will find a way and she will like him even more because he will be the forbidden fruit.
We have a 17 yr old. only child. When her groups started involving boys, they came to our house. It was nothing new for the girls because my entire upstairs is daughter's area and girls are still there almost every weekend. I always loved it that way because I knew what kids were doing when they were at my house. When boys joined the group, the only change was that boys were here as well, doors stayed open and they went home by a curfew time whereas the girls usually slept over.
Just stay involved without being a helicopter and things will pan out. COMMUNICATE.
Invite the boy and his parents to dinner. Make sure you are all (the boys parents) are on the same page.
1) It may only last for a week
2) Making him forbidden will make him Adonis
3) If you didn't already have a 16 rule (or whatever) it will be difficult to institute one.
4) Young new love / infatuation is stupid. Nauseatingly stupid. Heck, even 30+yo new love tends to be cavity causing nauseating. Shudder. (No, I miss YOU more. It's been HOURS since I saw you!!! ::gack::)
5) SO time to make a foundation of behavior rules & expectations. Involve your daughter in this (GREAT way to sneak in a 16 rule, btw. XYZ allowed until 16. ABC allowed before 16). Think up what you would LIKE as your rules list (and plan to get to), but broach the rules as a collaborative endeavor.
5.5) getting YOUR home to be hangout of choice is an awesome pattern to build. Do this by suggesting he come over for pizza and movie night. Or "Meet here afterschool! I'll bring brownies, but I've got tons of work, so U2 will have space." (BEFORE she tells you they want to go to xyz. Preemptive strike).
6) IN GENERAL this is where a "girlfriend" tone (but with parental backdrop... Meaning be a mentor/friend/parent, don't drop "parent" to be "friend") will be worth its weight in gold. Meaning even if you have to fill a cavity or three, having her tell you is better than having to ninja it out. Doesn't mean agreeing with stupid plans, DOES mean being a supportive person in her life she can trust to be happy for her, AND keep boundaries. (Meaning breaking rules has consequences, and that there are rules to begin with).
7) Break a leg!!!
WOW ! this brings back memories. My daughter told me one night after going to the roller rink that she had a boyfriend. She was almost 13. Inside I panicked. She told me all about him. She was in love. He let her wear his hat & they talked on the phone alot. Her dad said absolutely not. I fould out that he was her friends big brother. On her birthday, he brought her flowers & balloons. We would take him with us whenever possible. I let them know what was expected (in a nice way) & they respected me. for it He felt welcome at our house. It was their 1st love & now at 33 & 34, they still have a connection. She is married & he has a long time girlfriend. He still calls me about twice a year & still calls me mom. Give the boy a chance, you have taught her what is right & wrong. It is better to learn about "love" now when she can turn to you than when she is alot older.
It seems you are having problems growing with your daughter. It is pretty normal for her to do everything she is doing. This is the normal way people meet their boy/girlfriends. I had a boyfriend in junior high and I was crazy about him. I look back now and kind of giggle because he was just okay and after school at some point I heard he got into a lot of trouble. Didn't you have a boyfriend at this age? If not, did you at least have a mad crush?
You just need to talk to her and hold your parental ground with her. I would probably tell her to turn in the phone at night at a certain time and allow her a couple of minutes to say good night.
I suggest that you proceed with caution. This age and dynamic can be a mindfield. Good for you for not forbidding it (which never works). It is normal for them to be "crazy about each other". New relationships/crushes can be very exciting.
I would say that at 13 she is not old enough to "date" but he was her friend first and you don't expect that to end. She is still allowed to go out with a group (like she has been doing) but she is not allowed to go out with a single boy. If she wants to hang out with just one friend (and especially if that friend is a boy) she has to have a responsible adult present....not necessarily hovering but close enough to know what is happening (meaning that he can come to your house and watch a movie or play cards/board games whatever as long as you or dad are home). If she wants to go to his house, you really need to first talk to his mom to be sure she is aware of the "boyfriend/girlfriend" status rather than "just a friend". Parents of boys (especially dads) tend to not be as supervisory as those of girls (lets face it, there is a double standard) so you need to be comfortable with his parents being responsible if you are letting her go there.
This may be a good time to have the talk if you have not already done so. Establish an "you can date when" rule...it doesn't have to be 16 but could also be "when you are 16 AND have successfully shown you are trustworthy and responsible".
Make him very welcome at your house. That way you can keep an eye on things. The rule when I was this age was, I could have a boy over, but we could not just disappear into a room together. We needed to be in a public space and if we were in a room together, the door had to be open and one set of feet needed to be visible in the hall. Sounds strange but it was effective.
I don't have any sense from your post as to how well you and your daughter are communicating at this stage in her life. But it is very critical that you start some conversations during quiet times. It is all about you asking questions and then letting her talk (avoid the urge to lecture). Ask her about how she is feeling in the relationship. Ask her how her other friends are reacting to her spending less time with them. Ask her if she ever feels overly pressured to spend time with this boy. Only give examples or advice if she seems open to a different perspective.
First of all, think back to when you were her age. What were you like? What kind of 'talks' did your mom have with you? Did your mom overreact or prejudge? How would you have handled you differently?
I don't mean any offense by that. I just think that we as parents need to reflect once in a while in regards to our kids. A lot of the same principals still are valid. No matter how much the younger generation insists "things are different now", it rarely turns out to be the case. Same behaviors, same reactions, same concerns.
So sit down with your daughter and explain your concerns. If you plan to set limitations or boundaries, explain that to her and why. If she breaks the rules, explain the consequences and don't deviate from them. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be having the concerns or conversation.
Explain the vulnerable time of life she's in and it's easy to get a broken heart. Although it does happen that great marriage start at ages this early, it's a very rare thing. And there are millions of people out there to meet and that makes it difficult to meet them if one ties one's self down to just one.
Young blossoming love and affection like this is real. It's a beginning. And it's a process in learning what traits a person likes in the opposite sex. And it may only take one person, or it may take a lot of boy/girlfriends to 'gather all the evidence' and decide what kind of a person one wants to ultimately settle down with.
Give her a great big hug. And see if there isn't a way to prevent your heart from breaking or the trust between you from breaking. If she's as smart as you say, a good head with good guidance will keep the worries away.
Good question. Not looking forward to this with my little ones. When I was a teen in the schools I went to(Air Force, early 80's) , it was totally standard that no one but the "bad kids" were allowed to "date" before sixteen.. Around that age I had a boyfriend who I wasn't really allowed to see other than in the break room at work bagging groceries or occasionally in a group. I think we managed to sneak out a couple of times, but just to meet other friends, and no shenanigans were happening. My parents didn't "forbid me" from seeing him (they didn't like him), and we saw his family in church and stuff, but they certainly didn't "support a romantic relationship" with anyone while I was in high school. I was busy busy busy, and the thought of parading around holding hands and smooching in front of my parents would have skeeved me out. This was also "land lines only" days, so I certainly wasn't allowed to tie up the family phone for hours on end with him either, and I was very busy after school bagging groceries, babysitting, homework, memorizing lines for plays, drawing for my art school portfolio, church group stuff, chores, whatever.
So I just don't get how kids today are just EXPECTED to pair up so young and have relationships just because technology is so tricky. Again, my kids aren't this old yet and I may eat my words one day, but I think you need to just tell her she's too young to have a boyfriend, she only has x minutes per day to chat with him, and don't let them go do stuff unsupervised together in idle time. Hopefully she doesn't have much idle time to "help be a good influence on other kids" with so much to do to get ready for her future. Get her into some activities away from the pack of friends and the boy.
Good luck-13 and having a boyfriend is BAD NEWS. She'll be a veteran dater by 16 at this rate which doesn't bode well for ages 17, 18, 19.....Don't be afraid to say no to her. She's your only child, don't let her make him her WHOLE WORLD...cuz that's how it feels to kids.
Your story about your DD sounds very much like the world of my 8th grade DD, beginning last year when she was in 7th grade. We simply established more rules for any spending time with boys. Last year we told her 7th grade is just too young for her to be going to a movie, just one boy and one girl. I'd have been fine with a group of kids, both genders, but no one has organized that kind of outing yet. She had a friend sleep over last spring and I knew they were going to try to get together with some boys in the neighborhood. She was pretty surprised when I told her that she and her friend were not leaving the house to go off to a playground or any place unsupervised, but we were firm. The boys were allowed to come over to our house for a couple of hours in the evening for pizza, video games, and roasting marshmallows around our fire pit, but they were closely supervised at all times. The boys parents also came over for awhile. We are definitely on the same page. I was not comfortable last summer with her just hanging out a playground with boys and girls, but I allowed her to hang out with that group at a local yogurt place, and then have them back at my house. She wasn't very happy with me again this fall when 2 boys called and wanted to meet up at a playground and I said no. But I have no problems with her going to a boy "friends" house if they are doing homework in a family room and his Mom guarantees she will be present at all times, and then having them toss a ball around the front yard in view of the front window. Take a walk to the park? Sorry, no. I would not ever "forbid" a frienship or relationship, but our rules are pretty clear, and our DD grumbles a little but seems to accept that just fine. Really, none of her friends have more freedom than that either. I guess we're lucky that the boys in her circle of peers at school have parents that are pretty careful as well.
Don't you remember being madly in love at 13? I do. And I was a late bloomer.
I guess it's time to discuss boyfriends with your daughter.
Just sit her down and talk to her about being smart. While you do have to talk about sex and safe sex, so she doesn't do anything stupid, you also really need to stress how she is much too young. Don't make her think that you expect her to wait till marriage (regardless of whether you really feel this way or not, it's not going to seem realistic to her at age 13 and you don't want her to write off everything else that you say), but explain to her that it's too big of a decision to be made in junior high (or high school, but save that talk for another time).
Make sure you know where she is after school and who she's with. At this age, they shouldn't be alone in a house without parents. And, truthfully, even if there are other kids there, if no parents are home they will still sneak off to the bedroom and do what they want to do...
