12 Year Old Daughter & My Boyfriend Can't Get Along

C.,

I empathize with what you are going through. Now with that being said, can you see where your daughter is coming from? Your boyfriend is not her problem. It is your problem. Your 12 year old did not sign up to have her parents divorce and then before she is an adult she has to take a back seat to not only your boyfriend who may assume he can step in to tell her what to do, but now she has a baby brother. She is pre-adolescent which means she has a lot of hormones raging through her. This is a time when she is exploring who she is. Her values in life are being clarified and shaped by your example, her moral development as well as bodily changes are changing and developing. She is making choices that will affect her for the rest of her life. You state that your boyfriend doesn't want to be around her because of her attitude. She probably doesn't want to be around him because of his attitude (what is he 12)? And your relationship with him is rocky. Can you not see she is acting out how you feel about the relationship? You are the adult, not her.
You and your boyfriend need to go somewhere private to talk about your relationship (do not make the 12 year old babysit). Afterwards, be the mom you promised to be to all of your children when you choose to have them.

About me: Therapist, married 26 years, 2 grown children

Please get some counseling for you, your boyfriend and especially your daughters. Even if you are not a "traditional family", a family therapist can really help get to the bottom of what is going on. If you relationship is rocky with your boyfriend you need to keep it to yourself and work out those issues with him away from your daughters' eyes and ears. Make sure your daughters have quality time with their dad and take the time your daughters are away to have your boyfriend see your son. You are just starting the teenage years and you will need a good relationship and communication with your kids. It's not easy, but you won't regret it. Good luck.

Hi! I had a similar situation. Your daughter is at a very delicate age when she really needs you and having a another little one may make her feel pushed away pulse in my case she missed her father and us being together, for it was her wish that we get back together again and since that was not possible and she did not understand that at the time I just tried to keep an open relationship with her father so that we where on the same page in bring our girl up and that softened things a little then I said you don't have to like my boyfriend but you do need to show respect because he is older, eventually she came around and now has a child of her own. I think that it is good he does not live with you because you might have a better chance on reaching out to you child. Then there is always parenting classes, maybe your boyfriend and you could take together or the paster at your church or his wife might be able to help talk to your big girl, some times its easier to chat with someone not directly involved. Your doing good hang in there and congrats on the new addition. Maybe get the girls into a sport or activity you can share together or they can share together with each other, if you all ready haven't God bless.

Is it possible that , subconciously,your daughter resents your boyfriend taking the place of her father? That is a lot of competition for your attention, with a new man in your life and a new baby.

Lots of things can be going on. But please remember that, you have a daughter... and she is 12 years old. She is a CHILD. She has lots of changes in her life and "has" to "put up with" the adults living situations and relationships. For a child, this can be unbearable as well. But children don't always have the developmental "ability" to cope with it all. You cannot expect her to behave like a "little adult." She is not.
Remember also that your daughter is always your daughter... and you will always be a Mother no matter what. Outside of that, "relationships" can always change and disappear or fluctuate and come and go. So remember that and nurture your daughter as though it is very precious and irreplaceable. A child is only 12 once. But what happens now will affect her for always.

Your boyfriend needs to grow up... he is the "adult" here, not the child. He has to be a "role model" for your children... if he is going to be a regular presence in their lives. That is what a "parent" is. And, like it or not... he is a "parent" to your children. He has to rise up to the role. Perhaps he can take classes or workshops on "parenting".... since he is at a loss of how to handle a 12 year old, and he has a baby now too. He has to be made responsible for his actions as well... and for the behavioral "problems" it causes in others. Since he says he doesn't want to be around your daughter unless her "attitude" changes... I (personally) would be afraid that he will start to make you "choose" between him or your daughter. Be aware of that. What if your "boyfriend" makes you choose? What then? It would be very inappropriate to say the least.

The "burden" of responsibility is on the adults here... I really don't feel that this is your daughters responsibility to solve the problem...but you need to be a shoulder for her to lean on. The lead here has to be your boyfriend and you working as a "team" to improve the "family" atmosphere and INCLUDING your daughter in it. I don't think, (if it is a possibility) that your boyfriend should move in anyway.Not now.

I don't mean to be so "blunt" in my opinion... but this is what happened with a dear friend of mine... and her daughter was getting lost in the shuffle and suffering for it. Then, later the boyfriend left. And her girl was the one left with having to cope with the "problems" of the boyfriend. I really felt bad for her. I hope this helps, and good luck to you... take care.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Noramlly i would say put your daughter first her and get rid of the boyfriend but your case is complicated because you had a child with a man that you say you have a rocky relationship with. It almost sounds in your question that he might be abusive either verbally or physically. If that is true please leave him for the sake of you and your kids! You are raising kids who will watch and learn everything you do. Teach them to be respected my men. teach them independence. If he is not abusive in any way then try family counseling to see if you can work this out. It is hard to choose but when it comes to kids or a man kids should always come first! good luck!

C....

I very much understand where you AND your daughter are coming from. I married my husband when my olderst was 7 and we immediately had a child afterwards. The adjustment was extremely hard for her especially considering all of the attention was on me and the soon to be baby.

I am also the product of a step-family. My mother married when I was 12 and my brother was almost 2. It was hard for me because I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere and that no one in my household cared. I had a wonderful step father but he didn't make the attempts needed to secure a balance father-daughter relationship for us.

With that said...I believe it is a GREAT idea for you and your boyfriend NOT to live together. This would just be more stress on your daughter. It is not HER responsibility to create a safe loving enviroment. That responsibility belongs to YOU as the mother. I don't think your boyfriend should repremend or punish her. That should come from you, and more time should be spent with just you and her to help secure what she may feel is currently an unstable bond between you 2. Make special "dates" with her without any of the other children or your boyfriend. This way you can openly talk with one another and you can re-affirm her position in you life and your unwavering love for her.

She may be feeling lonely, out of place, frustrated, angry, and most of all missing her father. The hardest part...in her mind you probably don't care about what she's going through because she may be thinking that you always side with boyfriend instead of her.

Your words were that your relationship is rocky and your children see how upset your boyfriend makes you sometimes. Children should NEVER have to witness the heartaches of an "adult" relationship. It doesn't really sound like you have the healthiest relationship with this man. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your relatonship with him and maybe even take a break from relationships for a while....choosing to refocus, and allow you, your children and all of your past hurts time to completely heal.

Should you ever want or need a place to mentally lay your thoughts down, I have a Single Parent Support Group that meets once a month (if you live near Gardena, CA). This month's meeting is on Saturday, March 22, ____@____.com you are interested, send me and email and I will send the information to you.

Best wishes for you, your daughter, and your entire family!

S. V.
www.dreamplanters.com
____@____.com

Hi C.

Has your boyfriend tried to "build" a relationship with your daughter?
Your daughter is 12 years old..her parents are divorced, she is about or going thru pubity and it's a very difficuilt time for her, plus you now have another baby in the picture...alot of changes for a 12 year old to handle. Have you made it a point to spend one one one time with her...quality time?..just you and her. I have a 15 year old son from my marriage. When I started dating my boyfriend I made it a point to tell him that my son already has a father, and that if this got serious he needs to build a relationship/friendship with my son..my son was 6 at the time.

there are still conflicts that happen and there are times when I do feel like I'm in the middle and will always defend my son over the boyfriend because there is a saying..."blood is thicker than water"..boyfriends come and go...my son is forever..I also have a 3 year old daughter with my boyfriend...
Ask your daughter how she would like the situation resolved and why...tell her how you feel..see what happens

D.

Hi, I am a single mom also. I have a 12 yr old daughter and a 5 yr old son. My daughter doesn't like me dating at all. She feels that my time is for her and if I am not there then she is missing something. She gives attitude when things don't go her way. My daughter is reaching that age of being a teenager. I lived through my mom dating at this age. It will pass but patience is a big part of this. My mom met her husband of 20 yrs when I was 16. It wasn't easy at first but over the years, I have accept him as a dad. Time is what is going to help. I wish I could be more help.