10 Year Old Who Does Not like to Stand up for Herself

My daughter was having a problem in 5th grade when she was 10 and I was at a loss in how to help her. I emailed her teacher and simply wrote out what my daughter was telling me and asked the teacher to let me know what was going on. She kept an eye on my daughter and the other girl, saw how they were acting, and helped me to help my daughter. It comes on both sides - reaction can drive how people are treated. So I would not remove her, I would help her learn to deal with this. Also, encourage her to talk to the counselor - they are there to help these kinds of situations.

My daughter is now 11 and in 6th grade and she went to the counselor on Friday morning because of two "mean girls" - the conversation ended with the "mean girls" realizing that my daughter did not say what someone said she said and they can now be civil. But she was comfortable to do that on her own. I encourage you to teach your daughter how to work these issues out without you stepping in.

Suggesting she tell them to stop doesn't work, because she doesn't know how to do it. You need to role play the conversation with her, with you being the other girls and she being herself. Help her find words she is comfortable using. She needs to actually practice saying it, a few times, so that she will feel confident actually doing it.

IMO sometimes role play needs to involve a few choice words, depending upon the situation. Not, "You hurt my feelings when..." -- that won't usually work in most of these situations. More like, "Knock it off.." types of words.

As frustrating as this is, I don't think you can navigate every situation for your child. I disagree with the responder who said to transfer your child out. At 10, with just 2 kids she doesn't get along with, it sends the message to run away from problems.

Have a talk with the teacher. What activities does your daughter wish to avoid? Are you talking about classroom programs? Recess? After school programs? Are these girls just mean to your daughter, or are they just friends and your daughter can't tag along? Who has termed these encounters as "mean"? Your daughter or the objective adults in the school? Does you daughter have the social skills to reach out to other kids, especially those on the sidelines? Or does she have her heart set on these 2 girls and she's maybe being clingy or annoying herself? If talking with the teacher gives you the indication that your daughter is lacking in social skills or in self-confidence, then have her work with the school psychologist to learn to build up a thicker skin. She can tell kids to stop, or she can walk away and find nicer friends who aren't mean. Mean kids usually stop when they aren't getting a rise out of someone. It's up to you to give your daughter the skills - or to see that she gets professional help in the school - to move on and ignore people who just aren't very nice, rather than to continue to hope they'll include her.

there's no quick or easy fix for this. mean people are everywhere, and it's harder for self-effacing personalities to learn how to handle them. but it's part of learning how to handle life, so you've got to wade in there.
check the question above yours about a 10 year old and mean girls. all the responses there apply to your situation as well.
khairete
S.

Diane B said it well. Learning the reasons for what is happening is the first step. Only then can you find a way to help. There are other ways for your daughter to respond than to say stop. I suggest that at 10, girls have many social skills yet to learn. I suggest the girls are not acting this way in a vacuum. Your daughter and them are interacting. All 3 are a part of the solution. Talk with her teacher and counselor to ask for help while not blaming the girl's. They are just learning too.

I don't understand the advice to transfer her. If you did, you'd be transferring her often. This is agood.opportunity for both of you to learn how to deal with "mean" girls. Your daughter will have "mean" girls show up in her life even as an adult.

I read a book called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends (can't remember the author) about tween girls, and this subject was in there! If I recall, it basically said that it takes practice for girls (and people, really) to develop the skill of standing up for themselves. And one thing I didn't really think of but makes sense, is that it isn't one size fits all. Some girls are suited to be assertive and stay stop, but telling a shy girl to do this is not realistic, so it had tips for tailoring the approach to the child. Find what your daughter is likely comfortable with and practice with her. She's 10 so this (sadly) won't be the only time she'll encounter mean girls. Sigh. Good luck!

You have to just lay it all out.

She can quit the school clubs. The girls will still act they way they want. She will no longer be in the school club.

The outcome is she is the one hurt.

Therefore, explain she has to ignore them because the girls are feeding off of something, which is making them come back for more.

I taught my daughter to ignore her "friend" who was hitting, kicking, and bossing her around. She ignored her to a point that the girl screamed in class. Uhhhm, someone has an attention issue. It's about 1 year later and I haven't heard much good or bad about this friend.

Have you spoken to the school counselor. Our elementary has a counselor who has a big focus on social skills, exclusion and mean kids. She would privately speak to a child having issues to try to learn more and also to try to teach the child some practical skills for managing the problem. She then (in the past) has run small programs (say for the 4th grade boys in smaller groups) to role play and discuss an issue). I believe she has addressed all sorts of things from excluding kids, bullying on the bus, standing up for your friends, standing up for the loner to dealing with kids who are better than you at sports.

Listen to your daughters ideas on the subject