10 Year Old Son Driving Me CRAZY!

First of all he is 10. Even without the ADD he would/could have these tendencies..

My husband has suffered with ADHD all of his life, I have known him since we were 13. He drove his parents round the bend.. Yelling shuts him down. Once the yelling starts, he will not hear another word.

I agree being positive helps.Thank him when he remembers on his own. Praise him when he "does it right".

Also once the dishes are in your dishwasher correctly.. take a photo and keep it close to the dishwasher as a reminder where everything goes. Write down that the dishes must be rinsed off before placed in the dishwasher.. Leave this note laminated on the dishwasher or on the counter.. Once he begins remembering on his own, you can place it in a file, in case it needs to be brought out a gain..

My husband is a visual learner. It reinforces what he has heard.

I bet your son knows how things work, but cannot always explain it to you..
If you can find the manual to the dishwasher with the instructions.. he will load that bad boy better than you ever did!

Did you go to therapy with him? Or was it just him going? I read a lot about ADHD to know what my husband needed. He is very successful at all of the things he does.. But when he comes home, he has to be able to relax and decompress.. It is very stressful trying to hold it together all day long. He has responsibilities here at home, but I do still have to guide him a bit.. I love him for who he is and bless his heart he loves me for who I am..

He can get on my last nerve, but I do the same to him..

Put him in a diciplining sport like Karate or Wrestling. My youngest son started in a wrestling club when he was 4, he was a shy and somewhat nervous little boy at that age, and wrestling totally changed him into a strong, secure kid. He loved it and thrived at it. It reflected in every area of his life afterwards. He also took piano lessons. He's an awesome man and father now. It teaches them to have pride in what the do and accomplish. It may very well turn him into a great dishwasher :)

S.,
I feel your frustration, but, stop and think for a minute about the possibility that your son may be even more frustrated. ADD can disrupt the life of the one who has it and those living or caring for them. Have you tried to reward him for getting things right? You can't disipline a child into getting it . Yelling and screaming just frustrates both of you even more because you're emotionally wearing him down. Try to be encouraging not critical,' Honey, I know you're smart and can do this right, because you are a big boy,' kind of thing. Reward him for every task or behavior he accomplishes no matter how small, and let him know you really need his help. It sounds like he may be feeling a little less than self confident. You may even consider letting him do another chore instead, or rotating the chores.
As far as the last word thing, kids and some adults believe that if they have the last word , they've won the argument. The truth is there is no winner in an argument. You both have to learn to talk to each other not at each other. When most people are yelled at, they aren't hearing a word you said, it goes in one ear and out the other. Get down on his level and actually talk to him. Ask him about things he doesn't excel at, he may not like those subjects, it could be the teachers teaching style or how they veiw your son. I don't mean to sound like your son doesn't bear some responsibility for his behavior,just offering things from a different perspective. It could also be your son feels that with 3 other children in the house he doesn't feel as loved , wanted or needed as the other 3. Especially if he happens to be a middle child ,which often happens even with normal children(meaning no ADD ,ADHD,OCD,etc.) And keep in mind children don't do everything perfect every time. Too much focus is often on how a child does something instead focusing on the effort they put forth. If he is just being lazy, take away a priviledge or a toy be especially likes. With my children I had them help me make a list of their 3-4 favorite things, after being told 3 times to do something and it wasn't even attempted I made them decide which of those things they were willing to give up, making them responsible for not having it. if the 1st selection didn't correct the behavior , I would make them choose a second , and so on. Try this method with all your kids if possible so they don't feel as though they are being treated different.
Have you considered putting him on meds ? I don't mean to sound as though as though meds fix everything,they don't but, if it improves his quality of life , it makes it worth it.
I hope this helps, (sometimes you have to think out of the box !) Lastly, be patient and consistant, if he causes you to feel that frustrated , walk away, take a deep breath, count to 10, whatever works for you to calm down. He'll see this corrected behavior in you and it should make him calm down too. Best wishes for all of you with this, C. S.

j

My 10 year old daughter was diagnosed with ADD inattentive type last year as well as dyslexia. To me she has always seemed very slow to do what I want (brush teeth, put on shoes, load washer or dryer) but to her there are a million things occupying her mind while my voice turns into blah-blah-blah. I also get frustrated, mostly when I am tired myself and the bedtime routine drags on. We have had GREAT success with medication. We tried one (Vyvanse) that was very smooth and had perfect daytime results but did not allow her to sleep since it lasted too long. She is now on Concerta, which has slightly less results during the day and wears off around 5 PM, but it allows her to eat dinner and then fall asleep. She herself has stated, when I offered that she did not have to take a tablet for a half day of school when there was going to be a movie, that "school is misery without it". She herself notices that she can focus better, she does her homework ALL ON HER OWN which used to be an all-evening-chore for both of us. It is not an end-all to every issue, but it helps her be much more independent and has helped her self esteem and grades. Like your son, my daughter completely tunes out (or gets sad and starts crying) if my tone of voice indicates displeasure. Her hearing is much more sensitive than mine, and even at times when I am not upset at all but just talking she will ask me to please talk more quietly. I really have no idea how your son or my daughter experience the world, but just know that it is very different than yourself, and simply keep that in mind. ADD kids are great visual processors, so having visual cues (pictures of what to do, not lists of words) helps them. Good luck.

Knowing what I know now, with 16 and 13 year old sons, I would not tell him or otherwise indicate that he is driving me crazy. Your feelings are valid - it just may be counter-productive to express them to him (and maybe you are not, but even so he probably picks up on them).

I would try my very best to set him up for success, instead of constant failure and disappointment. This is devastating to the male psyche. It won't be much longer before he completely gives up - defying you purposely so that he doesn't have to live with the hurt in his heart of actually trying to please you but letting you down.

The relationship that you have with him right now is SO important for the next few years (the teens). If he's not ready for multi-step chores like unloading the dishwasher, I would dial it back to something simple (one or two things a day). Really watch for good moments and praise the heck out of them.

I would continue to talk with a child psychiatrist and psychologist, to gain more insight into handling the ADD (not that I would necessarily go with medication - I just like to have all the information possible). I would also look at integrative/holistic approaches to helping him as well. I love this book: "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics - Autism, ADHD, Asthma and Allergies" by Kenneth Bock, MD and Cameron Stauth.

The biggest thing I try to do with my two is let them know that I am on their team. When they are the most "unloveable" is when they need the most love. Distressed children ARE difficult, which is why it is important (IMHO) to discern and resolve the underlying stressor or problem.

Good for you to try to seek understanding and help - that's an indicator of a caring mom. Hang in there and keep seeking answers for your little guy. Praying for you both.

That sounds really frustrating! I have a 9YO who pulls some of the same things and can just as exasperating.

Have you considered that with several other children in the house, this may be the only tried and true method he's found to garner your attention? Kids crave it and the more children in a household the more they seem to need. I've found this age especially challenging in the regard with my own son as he's reaching out more to his peer group, but still needs the security of home and reassurance that it's ok to break away. It's an including confusing and demanding season of life for both parent and child I've found due to the continued childlike nature but the desire and pressure to be more mature. of course....what season of life isn't demanding? :)

Something that has worked for us are individual dates with the child. Before our third child was born, my DH and I set aside scheduled dates each week with each child - alone. We allow the child to choose the activity based on time and budget and then follow their lead, working to remain present - no cell, no extraneous conversation, etc. It worked miracles for my son and his attitude, ability to cope, grades, etc improved dramatically after three or four weeks - once he saw we were committed and he felt secure in our love. If you picture their lives running on love and security as fuel, with a little tank inside to hold it (like a car), how is your son's love tank? Optimal performance occurs only when the tank is full and he may be running on a debt at this point... Since our third child, we've had to scale back the dates to every other week and you may want to consider starting at once a month. It may look like your husband takes him out one night and you take him out two weeks later, or both of you in the same week.....I would try that immediately tho. It may take quite awhile before he trusts the relationship enough to start opening up though.

I would suggest perhaps some of your language is reinforcing the problem though. For instance, he's not lazy, he's making lazy choices. If you say he's lazy it's attacking and degrading, as well as taking away his opportunity to own the responsibility. If you say he's making lazy choices, it reinforces the truth that he has the ability to do it right and is choosing not to, throwing the responsibility back on him. Also, whether or not you've said it to him, you've stated your son "can't do anything right." I would suggest that is false and there are things he does perfectly well. By saying it however, you're reinforcing the lie you feel, creating further contempt and anger toward your son, which he gets. You may not have said this to him, but he understands undoubtedly that you feel he can't do anything right and probably feels rejected and unloved by that. Oftentimes this is translated into a "why bother?" attitude by the child who gives up on the parent he feels is rejecting him and thus refuses to perform in any manner, but especially areas said parent finds important. Try differentiating between your child, whom you love, and his undesirable choices. address the choices and reinforce he has the ability to make good ones, and coach him in how to do that within the household rules. It helped us a lot.

Good luck!

Good luck!

First thing that stands out to me is that he has no confidence to do things on his own probably has something to do with you yelling at him so much. He doesn't want to put a plate in the dishwasher without asking you first because he is afraid that if he does it wrong you will yell at him. You called him lazy. All 10 year olds can be lazy when it comes to chores and responsibility and this 10 year old has ADD so of course he will tend not to finish the jobs he is given. yelling at him and calling him lazy is only making the situation much worse, and preventing him from making progress. He needs to build confidence. HE needs to be given opportunities to succeed, and not get set up for failure. You know that he has this ADD issue so things are going to be difficult with him no matter how much counseling hew gets. When you said you took him to counseling, did you mean just him? Or was it you with him? You and your husband consider going to counseling yourselves learn to cope better, it could help you be understanding and patient with him. I know it's difficult. especially with three other kids that need your attention you can't always be there helping him through everything. You are only human. Ask a counselor if there are groups of ADD parents talk to other parents of similar kids who support each other. My best wishes for you and your family. God bless you.

It sounds to me like you need to back off. Let the "bad results" of his bad decisions fall squarely on his shoulders. He'll "man up"! He's in that "tween" stage where he doesn't need a mommy to baby nor scold him, but he's not old enough to be a man -- but he *does* need to learn responsibility and that actions have outcomes, and that you will *not* (always) shield him from them.

Find things to praise him for -- not falsely, and keep it short and sweet, but surely there is *something* he does right! Does he have a sport or activity or hobby he's good at? Give him something to live up to, rather than making him feel like he can't do anything right.

Oh my word! While I read your story I almost wanted to cry. When I tell you that everything you have dealt with I am dealt with and I mean EVERYTHING. I constantly have to remind my son of things I’ve taught him years ago. Things he does on a daily basis are the things he act like he can’t remember. He gets himself dressed for school every morning yet I’m always on him about something he has forgot to do. I find myself getting frustrated everyday. I mean so frustrated that I almost want to put hands on him. I have to walk away or go stand in the bathroom and cry sometimes. I even pray til I can’t pray anymore just to calm myself down. I feel like I’ve done everything. I talk in a calm way and it still doesn’t help. I praise him when he does things he knows how to do without me asking. I let him know how proud I am and I knew he could do it. The next hour or so he is right back to his old ways. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I have run out of options. He is not disrespectful to me or anything like that bc he knows I don’t play. It’s just that I have to hold his hand all the time throughout everything. He is always the smartest one in class and I have only helped him with his homework roughly 4 or 5 times since he started school. I taught him to read at 3 and wash clothes at 6. He is a very smart kid, but following directions just isn’t his strong point. He also has a tendency to lie about little things. I take his Xbox or make him read. I don’t buy him things he wants or allow him to do what he wants...only works for a short time. Am I wrong for saying if I was rich I would ship him off to boarding school? I don’t want to feel like this about my child. I only have one and God knows I love him dearly. I just don’t know what else do do anymore and I’m tired. Mentally I am done!