10 Year Old Daughter's Birthday Party Who Should We Invite?

S., Welcome to mamapedia!!

What do you do? You ignore it. Saying anything would just start more drama.

My 13 year old is 2.5 years younger than his brother. We have a friend who is like a brother (they've known each other their whole lives) who is 4.5 years older. While my youngest was invited to MOST parties?? There were times the venue would NOT allow anyone under a certain age to attend.

A 4 year age gap is big. And if they have no common interests?? It's even bigger.

Just plod on. Don't address. Don't add drama. Breathe.

I would ignore it unless they say something else, and then I would simply explain that 6 and 10 is a really big age difference and she wanted to share her birthday with girls her own age, they can take it how they want. But if they don't mention it again then just leave it alone and it should blow over quickly.

You ignore it. They are wrong.

You say you want to have a good neighbor relationship with them, but what you don't seem to understand is that nothing you say will help with that. He didn't come to you and say "Annie's feelings were really hurt that she wasn't invited to the birthday party. I realize she is younger than your girls, but they do play together." And then you could have said "I'm sorry that her feelings were hurt, but the party was for older kids and wasn't appropriate for a 6 year old." Instead, he made a smart aleck comment.

What you might do at this point is not have the kids play with the 6 year old as much. Perhaps her mother will try harder to find her other kids her own age to play with instead of expecting you to do the work for her.

Since it's past, there isn't anything to handle. Take the high road and ignore the snide comments. You don't owe them an explanation. No one is owed an invitation to any party. The 6 year old's parents should be empathizing with their child if feelings were hurt, and also teaching her that she can't expect to be invited to every party for every friend. People have all different sized parties for many varied reasons. I always reminded my kids that everyone celebrates in their own way. Some have big parties, some small, some family-only, and some have no party. Remain friendly with them. That's all I would do, and hope they will do the same. If THEY directly confront you about it? I'd tell them I was sorry, but although you DD likes their DD, she doesn't feel she has as much in common simply due to the age difference.

The mistake was inviting the other neighborhood girls she regularly plays with and leaving one out.

If you had scout troop only and no neighborhood girls, there wouldn't be an issue.

This little girl and her family feels as if you just cast her out. They are hurt, the parents are not being classy about it. Most parents would understand and help their child cope but these seem to be taking this as a personal insult.

You can't do much about it. They aren't speaking to you. Hopefully they'll come around and not be so bitter.

Reverse the situation and you'd probably feel like your girl was shunned as well. I bet you would feel insulted as well.

The parents are not being classy about it by being snarky. That is their problem, you keep it classy and if it is discussed, stay calm about it and apologize.

There is not too much you can do. Your daughter stated who she wanted at her party. The six year old is not into the same things as the older girls. Your daughter is entering the tween/teen years and starting to distance herself from the younger girl.

Dad and mom should have had a talk with their daughter about party invitations -- not everyone gets to go to everything. It hurts like heck but it is real life.

As for neighborhood friendship they are people you know but you don't do anything with them so it is not a big deal. There are people on my block I don't know and don't do things with that we say hello in passing and that's it. Don't beat yourself up. Just remind daughter next time to not speak about the party or invite others that are not on the block who might gossip.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

the other S.

PS You can't please all the people all the time.

Sad that the 6 yr old's parents didn't take this as the opportunity to let their child know that everyone doesn't get invited to everything. Your daughter invited who she wanted and I'd leave it at that.

If they bring it up again I'd let them know that the amount it kids is set and hopefully they'll find some way to make the day special for their daughter. The other thing is at this point I'd probably keep them as nob of the head friendly hi neighbors. They've shown you their true selves by being snarky so pay attention to that.

It's the kind of situation where she would get hurt and you can see why. However, is that your responsibility? I don't think so. It sucks. It's happened to most of our kids. But it's up to parents to comfort their kids if they are upset and explain things.

If these parents from now on do not want their child to play with yours and no longer are friendly to you, there's not much you can do - that's their decision.

If you wanted to clear the air you could approach them next time on your own and just say that you didn't intend to hurt her feelings - your daughter simply wanted to invite who she did. And you're sorry her feelings were hurt.

It's your daughter's party. She decides the guest list. Why should she be forced to invite someone she's just really not into?

Lessons learned all around. Your daughter should learn that younger children often look up to older kids, and mistake her apparent "charity" in allowing a 6 year old to join in with older kids' behavior as "friendship", which you say it is not. Although you say the kids are not into the same things, clearly they spend time lots of time together (as kids in neighborhoods have done for generations, rather than segregate entirely by age).

Your daughter, and the 8 & 9 year old girls, have learned that you don't talk about invitations and events with people who were not included, because feelings get hurt.

The 6 year old is learning - the hard way - that not everyone gets invited to everything. Unfortunately, she has not been comforted by her parents, who have chosen to take up her cause by being snarky with you. So that's a good example for you and your daughter to discuss - she's going to get left out (or "not be invited", more accurately) in the future, and she can think now about how she's going to avoid getting her nose out of joint. And you're going to be tempted to get involved in some situation where she gets her feelings hurt - and this episode will remind you not to do so.

I do think you might have foreseen some of this - the 8 and 9 year olds likely felt honored or a little puffed up by being invited to a party that was almost entirely made up of the older Girl Scout troop, and perhaps they talked about it in the neighborhood. So in retrospect, you might have kept the party just to the troop, or discussed with the other 2 girls that we don't talk about these things among those who were excluded. Not that the 6 year old is your responsibility, but who needs this drama.

I think you let it go. I doubt that explaining anything to these parents would do much good except keep the rancor alive. Either it blows over and the kids can go back to playing together (perhaps not as often as before), or it remains an open wound and the parents find other 6 year olds for their daughter to play with.

I would let it go. There's nothing to apologize for. Adults should be the ones modeling 'how to deal' when you aren't invited to something. If they choose to ask questions, answer honestly: "We invited the girls Daughter wanted to come". Let them chew on that.

An invitation should be a treat, not an obligation. I'm really not sure why people have any expectations at all of their child/ren being invited along to *anything*. It's a gift, to be invited. The parents need to grow up and tell their little girl "yes, sometimes it's hard to hear about a party you didn't go to. However, no one gets invited to everything, so we can practice... how should we handle this?" A walk, a trip to the park, a fun tea party.... it's up to parents to help their child move through these harder situations, teaching them not to take things personally. So, if your neighbor is all bent out of shape, think about how much of a 'good neighbor' relationship they are themselves wanting. Over-explaining to parents who already have unreasonable expectations only ends up putting you in the doghouse no matter what. Let them ask, if they need, and keep to your simple answer. Don't give them room to make it personal.

You just ignore the comments and hope it blows over. The parents are being childish, 4 years is a huge gap. If you had invited her your daughter and the two other neighborhood girls would have had to spend the whole party entertaining this one girl because lets face it, no one else would have played with her. At least when my girls were in scouts 4th grade was the youngest junior scouts so your daughter is the youngest of that group. So some of the girls would be twice that girl's age.

Ignore it.
Their happiness (or lack thereof) is not your responsibility.
Not everyone is invited to every party and the 6 yr old and her parents are going to have to get use to it.
4 yrs in age difference is quite a bit of difference and I wouldn't expect to invite a 6 yr old to a 10 yr olds party or a 10 yr old to a 6 yr olds party.

When my bff let her girl have a girls only party at a local dress up like a princess and sing Karaoke place. She let her "not" invite my girl. They were supposedly best friends.

But her girl wanted to invite the girls from her school class and not have my girl there.

My girl cried for days that they didn't like her anymore. What this little girl sees is that your girl invited everyone but her. That's not nice. 6 years old is NOT much different than age 8 and even age 9. They are together all the time? So they are tolerant of her the rest of the time. So I'd have invited her if I invited the girls from the neighborhood. That's cruel to leave her out of the whole group of friends. If you hadn't invited the other girls in the neighborhood then you'd have a leg to stand on. You segregated her and that hurt her.

But in this case, this girl isn't their peer, she is someone that hangs around when they're doing stuff. She needs to be weaned off them if they no longer want to be friends with her. If they do still want to be friends then they have to include her in everything they do as a group.

This was a group activity and you picked her out and didn't invite her.

Those parents are silly. I would handle this by ignoring it. If they insist on bringing it up over and over you can say that you are sorry their daughter got upset, but 10 year olds usually do not invite 6 year olds to their birthday party. That is a huge age difference. I think it is strange that the parents got upset. Remind your daughter next birthday time to not talk about her party in front of kids who are not invited. I give my kids a reminder every year. PS - I can see that from their perspective their 6 year old might have been really hurt and cried and cried about it at home. So they felt bad for her because she felt left out. This will all blow over with time.

I agree that just letting it go for now is probably best, but I will add that if it gets brought up again and you have the chance to directly address it, I would. I would just say something like, gosh we are really sorry for hurt feelings. I know that Daughter and 6 Year Old play together after school some days but we just kept her party for kids her age.

I've found that if you directly address people they are usually more receptive and they will usually apologize for their behavior...because honestly, making snide comments is inappropriate!

Updated

I agree that just letting it go for now is probably best, but I will add that if it gets brought up again and you have the chance to directly address it, I would. I would just say something like, gosh we are really sorry for hurt feelings. I know that Daughter and 6 Year Old play together after school some days but we just kept her party for kids her age.

I've found that if you directly address people they are usually more receptive and they will usually apologize for their behavior...because honestly, making snide comments is inappropriate!

Ignore it. The other family is out of line.

ETA: I would agree with another poster that before next year's party, make sure your daughter knows that it's very rude to discuss a party in front of someone who is not invited. That was the only mistake I can see on your side. If you feel compelled to apologize for something, you could apologize for that. But you should not apologize for limiting your guest list - not every kid gets invited to every party. That's life.

I understand about not being into the same things and not having everyone your daughter plays with attend a party. I don't think it is a big deal and really think her parents should have handled it better. The girl is 6 and is old enough to understand--if explained properly-that you don't always get included in everything just because you play with someone or know someone. I don't think your daughter should have to be hush hush about her party. Or course no bragging but if her friend says they had fun or something like that, she should not have to hush the details.

My daughter will be having a party at the end of April (birthday is this week) when the weather is better in our yard. She can invite 10 friends and unfortunately that will leave out some of them. Most likely, 2 girls from across the street will be excluded and another from the next block. I am hoping they understand if they are.

I hate the idea of hurting the feelings of a friend! It's just so unnecessary to know that you've hurt someone (even a 6 year old) and then you ignore it.

Why don't you have your daughter ask her to do something special with her. Make it a day for the two of them (a movie perhaps). Then she can say, you were too young for the 10 year old party I had so I wanted to do something for just us.

Why let hurt feelings go unnoticed? It would be so easy to make it up to her. It can even be something simple like going for birthday ice cream. I think it's a good teaching lesson on feelings for your daughter.