I have a 3 year old son and a 1 year daughter. I have always had problems with them waking up in the middle of the night and wanting to get in bed with me. I have tried many different approaches to this. I have tried to be stern and make them stay in there bed, but they'll just cry and cry and cry, so that never works. I've tried talking and explaining that everyone has to sleep in their own beds and why, but no results on that one either, my son started to get so bad, he wouldn't even lay in his bed to go to sleep in the first place. He would throw these monumental fits, kicking and screaming like someone was ripping his fingernails out. I recently moved my daughters bed into my sons room, thinking that may help because they are very attached to each other. Well, atleast now, my son will fall asleep in his own bed, but they both still wake up wanting to come to mine. I'm going crazy, I haven't had a good nights sleep in a couple of weeks because they don't just come to my bed and fall back asleep. They come in, flop around, talk, whine, play, whatever. I don't know what to do, HELP!!!
I had the same problem with my 3 year old. I bribe her with candy (you can use a sticker chart as well). If she sleeps all night in her big girl bed she gets a small piece of candy when she wakes up. If she gets into bed with me and tries to thrash around I tell her that I am going to put her in her room and close the baby gate (luckily she has not found out she can climb over it).
Sending good thoughts.
if you can afford it.. see about investing in a double sized bed and put them together! Put the bed up on a corner and see if you can find a rail you can put on the bed to keep them from falling out it that concerns you. I have five children....the three youngest slept with an older sibling and that helped the "I want mommy" factor a great deal.
you may just have to be tough and let them cry it out for a few nights until they get it. Stock up on some chamomile tea... and start on the weekend.. when you might be able to sleep in a bit.
When my kids did go through phases like this I would do this: firmly, but lovingly put them back to bed.. let them cry for 5 minutes (go somewhere else where you can't hear them) come back and put them back in bed rub their back kiss them talk to them softly and put them back to bed, then set the timer for 10 minutes, then go back and do the same thing, set timer for 15 minutes (letting them cry this whole time) and again until I've reached 20 minutes. After 20 minutes, get them a drink, change their diaper, read one story, nurse the baby if that is what she is still doing, then start the whole routine over again. They should get tired enough of crying that they fall asleep waiting for you to come in.. they will learn after a while that you will eventually come back - but fall asleep waiting. The first night is tough.. the second one might even be tougher.. but the third and fourth if needed will get easier. They will start to learn. And you will have to go in less each time.
Some other suggestions would be to put the 1 year old to bed first. Then make a bit of a game out of it that the 3 year old gets to stay up longer... and that he has to be really quiet so he won't wake sister up. Read him a story etc. have dad do something with him while you put sister to bed.
A nighttime routine really helps too. Same thing every night, same time. Bath (try lavender scented baby bath and lotion), pajamas, brush teeth, story time/prayers. Make sure activities are calm and not real exciting. White noise in the room - like a humidifier or fan helps some kids or even soft music. Warm up blankets in the dryer for a few minutes before covering up your children (or even the pajamas) This will help get them in a calm mode for going to sleep each night.
when/if they get up start the routine.. invest in earplugs for dad if the screaming bothers him or earphones with music.. and maybe take turns who does the routine (you one night him the other). You both have to do the same thing though.. so it might be better to have just one do it. It will be tough for a few nights... but this can work.
Dear V......the most important thing right now is for you to keep your stress level low. With this in mind, my advice to you is to create a "camp" in your bedroom. Create sleeping surfaces on the "FLOOR" in your bedroom. Let your kids help you build them. Make them cozy, with lots of blankets, stuffed animals, etc. I suggest you either allow your kids to fall asleep in their designated beds in your room at their bedtime, or allow them to come into your room whenever they feel like it and lay down in their beds. The only rule is....they must sleep on their new cozy beds ON THE FLOOR. This way, they are with you in your room and not in your bed....which may allow you to get more sleep. If you make it FUN.....this may just do the trick until they eventually outgrow their need for this.....which they will.....they all do!!!! I write this as a soon to be grandma, 54 years old. My son, now 26 years old, presented me with the same challenge when he was young, and this was a magical solution for us. he had his needs met, to be with me at night, and it was fun and cozy and we all actually enjoyed it very much. When he was ready, he up and left my room with no fuss!!!!
I send you much grace and support as you navigate this time in your life. Resistance is a real energy drain, and you need to be conserving your strength for your healing path.
All the best to you....AnitaBV
You've gotten some good advice so far. I don't think night time issues are a discipline problem. They're generally about comfort and security.
May I suggest "The Sleepeasy Solution" by Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW and Jill Spivack, LMSW, The Sleep Coaches.
It is a good book with some good insights on how to get your kids to sleep through the night.
Good luck.
I've tried too..and just realized they feel safer with us. we moved my yongest son's bed next to ours and our daughter sleeps in between. I've just figured out how to sleep. Although sometimes I must admit it isn't always my favorite sleeping situation. They just love to be near us.
Last night before bed my daughter wasy lying on her back looking up at the celing and said, "Ahh.. now we're a family, all together!"
She was so serious! it made me feel good about our choice about letting her sleep with us.
We even got her a puppy which she'd been asking for literally since she could talk (she's an animal freak) we told her she had to sleep with her dog in her bed, that lasted all of a week and she was back in our bed.
So, I'm finally okay with it. They love to be near us and if you think about it. after a busy day it is nice to relax together and fall asleep knowing they feel safe, loved and like a family!
I say give up the good fight! buy a king size bed and bring them into your room.
Another thing we did for a while was put their matresses on the floor and they slept there pretty good too. They just wanted to be in the same room. my son does really good in his bed next to ours.
Dear V.,
I was a single mother of 2 many years ago. I can not imagine having to face the extra challenge of health as you do now. My children came into my bed for many months until I felt more secure with our lives.
Your children are responding to their fears and wanting to be close to you. They are so sensitive. You are their world and they can feel your stress. Your life is like an earthquake and your are trying to stay steady and grounded. Their world is shakey and out of control.
Try letting them come into bed and cuddle. This is not the time for play but it is time to sleep and you will hold them close. It will be important for you not to have any expectation. Let it be like a meditation. See what happens.
Do you have family and friends who can help you? Reach out to them. Talk to them and ask them for what it is you need that will feed your soul. If they can't help, don't take it personally and go ask the next person.
In peace and light,
C.
Are you kidding me!!! It is obviously not working for them or you...if it worked for them or was what they emotionally needed they would be sleeping!
They already KNOW that if they cry, fuss, tantrum you will give in to their demands. They may be little but they are clever. Anything new you try to do will be met with a lot of resistence but if you are serious,strong and consistent it will work.
You have a big fight ahead of you with them as well as with your health. You may have to deal with Cancer treatments that make you exhausted and physically ill...ask yourself now if you want them to be there in your bed when you are sick, and emotionally drained. It could be really scary for them to see you so sick. It could be very beneficial to make THEIR rooms their sanctuary. Do it now while you have the stamina.
It could take weeks but it WILL work if you stay focused and consistent. Don't engage after you've put them to bed. Give them a sippy cup of water, get them to go pee and if necessary tell them you will visit at a certain hour to check on them and do it. But do not cave in. Be consistent!!!If you cave in they will be in your room until they tire of it. I know someone who still has an 8 year old doing the same thing because she can't bear the struggle of re-teaching her daughter. Somehow 8 years of poor sleep seems more reasonable to her than a few days,weeks or even months of behaviour modification....sounds crazy to me! Maybe it's because she is too tired to see how crazy it really is!
I wish you the best with your sleep situation and truly hope it improves and I pray that your health will turn around and that you will have a long and wonderful life with your kids!
About me..
I am a mother of three. Two great sleepers one not-so-great. All sleep in their own beds, all are happy and well-adjusted. For 10 years I worked with children with special needs (mainly low-functioning Autistic children) and did A LOT of behaviour modification....and it worked. Good luck!
Maybe if you let them in the bed they will eventually grow out of it when they are older. Good sleep comes from place of security and maybe right now, it gives them some security. They probably are also feeling the energy around your stressful situation. Maybe if you invited them into your bed peacefully and explained that they needed to be silent (and you also "played dead") they would eventually "get it".
Some other options: 1. Stay in the room with them when they are falling asleep ( in a comfy chair). After doing this for a few weeks, then say you are going to the other room to "fold laundry". If they call you, say. "I am right here honey." Take slow steps out of the room.
2. I wonder if your kids are going to sleep too late and are breaking down at bed-time because of that. A bedtime routine helps and an early bedtime.
Gosh, I am sorry there is no easy answer. Approaching things like this from a place of love is hard when you are a single mom AND going through a health crisis. I really feel for you. Hugs from afar!!
Hi V.,
I will most definitey keep you and your family in my prayers now. :) I can only imagine how scared you must be feeling. My husband recently had a cancer scare and we radically changed everything from diet and exercise, to toothpaste, deoderant, everything! IT has definitely helped, and is something to consider for you as well.
Back to your question, your kids love you and are feeling your pain. This sounds strange but talk to your kids. I don't mean tell them every detail, but talk about things that are happening. The reason they are acting out is because you are afraid, and probably most people around them are, so they have become afraid too, and may not understand it.
Recall that God calls us to come like children. They are so smart and know so much more than we give them the credit for. Even if you are not spiritual, God can and will help you if you ask.
It must be challenging to stay patient and peaceful but do try because it will help. I can tell you this, in our family my husband made a choice that cancer would not beat him and he would be unafraid. He stood up to it becasue God teached us to fight disease because it is not supposed to hurt us. I know you will fight, for God, yourself and your family. You can do it! Just be brave and choose to not only live, but be happy so your kids can be at peace.
When my husband gave it to God we were lead to the right DR who has studied the therapy my husband has just finished going through, and plans to go through again. Also, the rest of the family has been led to make healthier decision about diet as well. So, know that your children just need to realize that whatever they are feeling is normal, you are not angry and you appreciate their love. Merry Christmas!
Blessings to you and your precious family,
K. S.
You might try making a bed on the floor next to your bed and gradually move it closer and closer to your door, eventually out side of your door and little by little closer to their door. It may take time but at least they won't be waking you up with movement. They may be responding to your emotions about cancer and the fear you feel. It would be natural for you to be a little withdrawn and they may be responding with the need to be even closer to you. I am a breast cancer survivor and although my kids were older I know I pulled inward for a time. After I was through treatment I really have had an appreciation for life and it changed my perspective! Enjoy those precious moments, not everyone gets them.
V., I am sorry you are so stressed! After reading your situation, I could not help but wonder if your little ones are picking up on your stress/fear and just want to be near you for comfort??? As a mom of two (about these same ages), I finally realized that they are so precious and just want to be near us for a few years - so why not let them? Pretty soon they will be more interested in many other things, and rather than regret pushing them away while they needed to be near you - why not just embrace them in a family bed while you still have the chance. Life is so short - and with a threat like cancer around... why fight? I say enjoy them while you can!!! Take Care and Best Wishes!
