Miscarriage and Personal Decisions

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through.

I lost my baby around nine weeks. This was my third pregnancy. I went in for an ultrasound at seven weeks. Everything was fine. The baby’s heart was beating and all appeared to be well. The pregnancy was great until a few weeks later. I started spotting in the morning. I was not experiencing any cramps at the time, just passing a small amount of pink blood when I wiped after using the bathroom. I immediately called my doctor’s office, the doctor’s nurse, told me to relax (as if that was going to happen) and drink water and if the bleeding got heavier or I started cramping to call the office.

The bleeding did not get heavier. However, I wanted to go in for an ultrasound to know if I had lost my baby. After an unpleasant trans vaginal ultrasound, my husband and I found that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

The first to come in the room was the nurse with a long face. All I could say was, “The tech wouldn’t let us see the screen.” We waited forever for the doctor to come in the room. She told us that our baby had stopped growing right after the last ultrasound… not much more than seven weeks.

She gave me my options… D&C, medication to move things along, or to wait and miscarry naturally. I heard what she was saying, but never listened. We were never given printed material to read on the procedure, medication, and passing “the products of conception” naturally.

I did not know the pros or cons of each. At the time, I didn’t really care. All I was concerned about was finding the baby after it passed regardless of its small size. I didn’t want the baby scraped out of me and taken to a lab for testing. I was scared that if I passed the baby naturally, we would never find our baby and it would be flushed down the toilet.

That’s when my doctor told me there could be a chance that I would find it. If I did, the Catholic hospital would cremate the baby for me and it would be buried at the Catholic cemetery. She told me to think about my three choices and get back to her the following day. The nurse drew blood and we left with a handful of tissues which I still have in my coat pocket. When we finally made it to the car, I sobbed. That was a Tuesday. I asked my husband to stay home the following day. I chose to miscarry naturally, not really understanding what entirely was involved as well as the timeline in which my body would chose to follow, but I was determined to avoid medication and surgery (at all costs).

I didn’t know what to do with myself so I cleaned the house. I wandered around looking for things to do, straightened things, put toys away… waiting for cramps. I waited and waited. The doctor told me that since I had already started bleeding, that she didn’t think I would have to wait very long.

Not very long turned out to be Friday afternoon, late afternoon. I started bleeding heavily (or at least what I thought was heavy). I ended up sitting on the toilet for two hours. There was no point in leaving because as soon as I did so, I had to return due to the fact that my overnight pad was saturated. By that time, I had already called the doctor’s office which informed me I should probably be at the ER because I most likely needed the D&C. I didn’t like what she had to say so Brian, my husband, called my doctor at home while I remained in the bathroom still sitting on the toilet.

The doctor informed me that if I was able to say that I didn’t want to go to the hospital, I was probably going to be okay. She had originally told me that if I was soaking through a pad an hour, I should be concerned. I was soaking through a pad every 10 minutes and passing blood clots the size of my fist. She also reminded me that if I was able to find the fetus to bring it in to the office. I continued to pass blood and large clots until 3:00 am.

During the course of the evening, I laid down in bed several times only to wake up several minutes later to a gush of blood and the odd feeling of clots and tissue leaving my body. Once I woke up and found that I soaked through two old towels and an old blanket. I’m surprised I didn’t leave a trail of blood to the bathroom. Thank God for my husband. Every time I went to the bathroom and wiped, I came up with a handful of clots…. all of which he put into a container to scan for a baby. Some of you may think we are crazy, but like I said, I was determined find our baby.

The sad thing is that we never did… My doctor told us that we might not find the baby. It could have been in one of the clots. It may not be recognizable. It might stay in my body and be reabsorbed. I am still bothered by the fact that we never did find the baby. There is nothing tangible to grieve. All I had was an ultrasound picture, a few pregnancy tests and used tissues from the office. Nothing to hold. No footprints, no hand prints, no lock of hair.

At the time of the miscarriage, I thought passing the baby naturally was the wrong choice. I wished that I had chosen the D&C because I was terrified as to what was happening to my body. I did have cramping, although it was nothing like labor pains, I did pass large clots of blood (the size of my fist), I did bleed for 5 plus weeks. Then I started my period around week 6. The first period after a miscarriage is similar to the miscarriage itself… heavy bleeding, clots and cramping. My bleeding was so heavy that I didn’t leave the house for two days.

The physical recovery time is not as long as the emotional recovery time. Return visits to the doctor’s office for blood draws are difficult. There’s nothing worse than sitting in a waiting room with pregnant women when you are a hormonal mess.

I was extremely disappointed in my doctor’s office for not providing me with written material on the miscarriage process. They explained that each woman was different and each miscarriage was different. I understood that, however, I really did not know what to expect physically with a natural miscarriage, not to mention emotionally.

This is my experience with the loss of my baby. If I was able to make the choice again, I would choose to miscarry naturally. Trust your body. My body was able to expel everything on it’s own. It was not an experience I would want to go through again, but I think I personally made the right choice. Remember there are risks with each choice. Have your doctor explain each to you, ask for written material and remember that each situation is different, each woman is different. Losing a baby is a horrible experience. How you chose to pass the baby is a personal choice based on your personal situation. there is no right or wrong… do what’s best for you.

I am the parent of two youngsters. Since we are such a fascinating family (read with sarcasm), we thought our family and friends would enjoy reading about our lives. These are our adventures…