Mamapedia City Voices highlights the inside scoop on your city by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.
Yet Another Reason Not to Fight in Front of the Kids
We all know that parents arguing is not a great thing, especially if it happens in front of their children. New research from the University of Rochester, Syracuse University and University of Notre Dame, however, is showing that parental conflict may also affect how children perform in school. One recent study followed 216 6-year-olds over a period of three years. The children’s teachers were asked about the kids’ behavior at school such as interaction with peers, participation in classroom activities, and following teacher’s instructions. As part of the study, the children were also asked about their worries and thoughts about how their parents got along. Here are the major results:
- Children who reported more negative thoughts/worries about their parents getting along had more attention problems.
- Children with more attention problems were more likely to have more problems in school (as reported by teachers) the same year and one year later.
- The authors report that many of the children’s worries were based on witnessing their parents relationship problems.
So what does this really mean? Well, it seems that kids who witness their parents’ disagreements on a regular basis are, not surprisingly, troubled by this conflict. They worry and think about these conflicts as a way of coping. While this worry may serve to help them cope, it also seems that it may make it hard for them to concentrate on school-related tasks.
I found this study interesting because although we all know that parental conflict isn’t good for kids, this study examined why and how this is the case. It’s not just seeing the conflict that is harmful, but it causes kids to worry so much that it interferes with their ability to concentrate on school. Kids are people too! We find it hard to concentrate on work when we’re upset about something and they do too.
Amy is a wife and stay-at-home mom with a PhD in Human Development and Family Sciences. While completing her degree, she realized that there was not enough research-based parenting and child development information that was easy to understand for the average parent. Much of the research done by university scholars is not easily accessible to parents. With her blog, she hopes to provide thought-provoking and insightful information that will be useful to parents. Amy doesn’t pretend to be a parenting expert, but rather a translator of research into a parent-friendly format.
facebook
twitter
StumbleUpon
digg it
kirtsy
Technorati
reddit
del.icio.us
blinklist
simpy
Brianne, March 21, 2010
I absoluely agree, i saw that article and my son has problems in school with concetrating and stuff like that. I do not like it but my husband and i tend to argue in front of him and not realize it sometimes.
Brenda, March 22, 2010
I agree.
malou paloay, March 22, 2010
yes,i agree that urguing and figthing infront of our child is definetly not good idea::i've seen it to my children esp.to my daugther,she's very intelligent that she understand everything but im afraid that her grades in school is becoming bad;;my son's behaviour is more worst,(he's only 3/2)years old.He saw us urguing until we decided to separate(my husband and i)I do realized the impact of my mistakes now,,thats is why i send this comment to tell to other parents not to do desame mistakes as what i did!!! Thank you so much and im looking forward to rea more of your article::god bless!!!
HomeOfficeMommy, March 24, 2010
Thanks Amy,
I have also seen the extreme that you speak of. What is powerful is letting our children see us disagree (rather and hiding this from them) and then letting them see us resolve conflict in healthy ways. Our youngest will ask questions afterwards, that challenge us, and allows us to explain why Mommy and Daddy argue. I have been told that she is a little negotiator herself. I see that allowing her to see our vulnerability and our strength is more powerful than hiding our weaknesses...
Dione, March 26, 2010
Adelaide is right on the money. It's very important to be authentic with our children. Disagreements are part of any relationship that lasts past the honeymoon phase. Even if you don't argue in front of the kids they can sense the tension in the air. We should learn healthy ways of expressing ourselves and "fighting fair" no name calling or violence of any sort...
K Ebert, March 27, 2010
I agree that we shouldn't have arguments that are blown out of proprotion in front of children, but that said I think hiding conflict and minor disagreements can actually hurt rather than help. My parents did argue in front of me and I'm thankful that I know that their 32 year marriage has not been a fairytale, but a partnership that has had ups and downs so I can now approach my marriage with the expectation that fights will and do occur and that marriage is not one big honeymoon...
Vondretta D, March 29, 2010
I agree through my own horrible experience. I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my two children. They would often see him yell,hit, and just go beserk! My son is nervous all the time and when anyone starts talking louder(even the slightest) he runs! literally.I feel so guilty for allowing it to have went on as long, now I must show him its ok to relax and that he is safe.
Susana R, April 3, 2010
I agree all the way.
Marda Poyer, April 5, 2010
Thank you for printing this article. When it refers to fighting it is not referring to disagreements that are handled in a healthy way. It is referring to disagreements that escalate into yelling, and/or belittling. Children do learn how to handle disagreements including those with their children from their parents. I yelled as a parent even tho I vowed not to do so...
darlene, April 5, 2010
yes.. I hated hearing my parents argue all the time. I was almost glad when they seperated. I decided I didn't want that for my son. I split with my ex after he escalted to name calling, in front of my son. No way he needed to see that on a regular basis.
Sandy Kay Conklin, April 5, 2010
I am a Single mother of a soon to be 21yr. old son!! Our whole life is based on this theory right here! I couln't see raising my baby in a houshold were dinner landed on the wall if it wasn't cooked right! My son is studying in his 3rd yr. of college to be a Physicians Assistant! We definately would not be or look anything like we do....if we stayed in that environment! We are living Proof!
Julia, April 5, 2010
I think it depends on the type of arguments/fights, if they are argued fairly or unfairly and if they are also resolved to some extent in front of the child(ren).
In my own case - I was not surprised and actually looked forward to the day my parents divorced as they were always arguing...
edgar maigue, April 5, 2010
I agree all this way.
Kay, April 5, 2010
It's so hard sometimes not to raise your voice or make a little comment when you and your spouse, or significant other disagree...when that happens in our family, we tell our children that we are discussing a particular issue and have different opinions and that when our voices get loud, it is only because we are trying to get our point across and that it's not because Mommy or Daddy doesn't love each other or that we are, "fighting"...we break when our children enter the room and if we "get caught" having these "discussions", we often ask our children to chime in and give us their opinion - it teaching them to open up and speak out - it builds their confidence and best of all it allows them to participate (as a individual) and gives them the power all their own as a little person - of course, we don't allow them into our conversation when it's about something bigger than our children are able to comprehend! We feel it teaches our kids how to argue in a constructive way - not to blow up, or use bad language or disrespect each other...we offer them the same tools our parents taught us =-) Unfortunately, there are a lot of uphill battles out there in the world today and children get caught in the middle more times than not - it is up to all of us as parents to ensure their safety and well being...if anyone is ever in a "BAD" situation, they need to get out and take their children with them...no one deserves an abusive life...
Lori R, April 5, 2010
I think it's important to see your parents have conflict resolutions occasionally. My parents weren't about fighting in front of us kids while I was growing up so I never witnessed how they handled problems. It was difficult for me when my husband and I had disagreements because I thought something was very wrong and we went through alot of ups and downs until I realized it wasn't the end of the world to have and argument.
