Womanifesto! Self-preservation

A thought (or ten) on self-preservation from a girl who willingly prefaces her pseudonym with calamity is a neon-lit oxymoron, I realize. Hear me out.

Self-preservation is in a constant state of awareness. It is self-protection and the protection of those around you, and it is your open hand waiting to help. When you close your fist, you slam the door on the opportunity to be helped when you’re in need. And regardless of our radiant, natural-as-naked strength – you will need help. In the simplest forms – short a quarter at the Laundromat or during the epic struggle to balance your belongings and children and still somehow open a door for yourself. Or in the challenging ways that we are dependent on fellow humans – when you blow a flat on the freeway and haven’t a clue how to change your tire* or when you lock your keys in your car the day after your AAA membership runs out. We have to work for and with a society that doesn’t bat an eye to these needs. When this is achieved, compassion will be in overwhelming abundance.

*Self-preservation is knowing how to change a tire. If you do anything this week – learn this skill.

Taking a multi-vitamin or a walk is a form of self-preservation. The body is hard-working, intricately constructed vehicle with no warranties. No one will give you a new one when you wear this one out, no matter who your insurance carrier is. Ever ask who you gotta kiss to get a better set of legs? You’ll hear crickets. You owe it to your physical body to be nice to yourself. Or it will make you regret it.

(Which is not to say you cannot scar it. Scars are earned, burns are lessons learned, etc. Simply, the better you treat it, the nicer it will play with it comes time to heal.)

Introducing yourself to your bashful co-workers and asshole neighbors and regular check-out girl at the grocery store is self-preservation. You will never, ever have a support network that is too big, too strong. You will never have too many good humans in your life and you will never in your right mind gather the desire to weed out good people from your graces unless you’ve suffered some self-inflicted head trauma, in which case, your body is only giving you what you deserve for not playing nicely. Association on the surface level or deep, unexplainable, unthinkable mind-fuck connection level is a requirement to maintain your sanity and your role as a human being in this unforgiving world. Have some. Have seconds. Have associations coming out your geedee ears, so long as you are kind in your offering. No one ever hurt themselves waving.

I spent more than two years standing in a check stand at a grocery store, scanning groceries and greeting a few hundred nameless faces a week. It is monotonous, soul-crushing work. The customers that took the time to greet me by name or ask about my day or make me laugh are the reason I still have a full head of hair. By nature, people are impatient and demanding to those who work customer service jobs. Behind that job title is a human – treat them as such. And if you find yourself employed in a position of service, give it to the best of your ability. You are not meant to be anyone’s sponge by absorbing bad attitude, but in life, inside and outside of work, it pays to help people out. And even if someone offers fuck-all when it comes to manners – perhaps they’re at their wits end. You’ve been there. Help them get their wits about them so no one else has to be infected. Turning someone’s red-faced anger into apologetic graciousness is hard work but certainly not impossible. And the reward is the smuggest possible smile you can afford. Those are always fun.

The weather, ocean, streets, and essentially everything else that is bigger than you and non-human will not express sympathy. A downpour in the winter does not owe you anything if you’re driving under the influence. A wave that would take four of you, end to end, to touch the frothing top does not have to give you the benefit of the doubt. And the intersection you cross out of routine, hardly acknowledging your surroundings after taking the same right turn on the same corner five days a week for a decade, will not apologize when someone barrels through it, unthinking, in their car. Making good decisions is self-preservation. Being alert is self-preservation.

I pass the same restaurant every single morning but how often, when stopped in front of it, do I actually see it, and notice patrons having breakfast inside or the handful of people waiting out front at the bus stop? Do I notice who is behind me, in front of me, crossing the street next to me? I cannot recall a single detail of my morning commute, except that I fell a little more in love with the song I’ve been listening to on repeat, because this is the rote of daily living.

We owe it to ourselves and those who like us, even a little, to pay some fucking attention in the world.

None of this is to say do not take risks and this is not to say developing hyper paranoia of all that can go wrong is a good idea. (Murphy was just a dude. Gravity was not. Some things are just catchy, ya know?) What is a good idea is using your senses like they were gifts given to you that morning and learning a little bit about the unknown.

I wholeheartedly believe that too much routine played out over too long is a slow, slow way to kill yourself. Finding ways to break it up is a crucial practice in self-preservation. Count how many people you can make smile back at you. Then compete with yourself every week. Challenge yourself by trying to make a stranger laugh from inside your car before you get to work.

Yesterday a little Honda pulled up next to me on the 22 freeway onramp. I looked up from the music player in my hand and saw the driver staring intently at me. He broke into a wide grin; waved enthusiastically, as did his passenger, and then they crept forward with the rest of the five p.m. commuters in Orange County. I laughed out loud and waved back. For whatever reason, it made my day. And it was one of the simplest gestures the body could make.

Sharing your wealth is one of the strongest forms of self-preservation. (Wealth in this context being monetary or just having six dozen cookies.) Sharing and giving to those around you and sharpening your generosity skills is a way of ensuring that you too will be shared with. I can feed my friends a fabulous taco dinner but I can’t change my own oil. Tit for tat. You strengthen community, make your life a little easier and the lives of those around you a little happier, and eventually, you’re un-fucking-touchable, my friend. Wouldn’t you go to bat for the guy who mowed your lawn, just because he had the means and time while you did not? He’d be the first on my list when I come up with a kick-ass dessert recipe. Nurturing your community with whatever means you have in abundance guarantees an expanded, strengthened network, glittering below you as the cross the tight rope of daily life.

If you, like me, have a penchant for stuff and things you may find your closets and drawers a little overwhelming. I joined the freecycle.org group in my city and by simply checking my e-mail; I started cleaning out my garage. A family needed a ten gallon tank replacement for their fish. A little girl wanted to learn to play a violin but couldn’t afford one. A mother with two little girls was burning through their clothing too quickly. These people were all benefited from things whose sole purpose in my life was dust collection. There is no need for any of us to have dust collectors. I promise, you have enough in your home doing that to their full potential.

I purged my closet a while back and instead of bagging up and garage-ing the clothes that didn’t fit, I pulled out a band t-shirt that had become too small and mailed it off to a friend that it would fit. I was out about four bucks in packaging and shipping, but her new-Save Ferris-shirt-glee was worth at least fourteen. Lesson: sharing makes you wealthy.

It’s likely that I dumped the rest of the clothes at the Salvation Army. While never a bad thing to make quality items available to people without the means for extravagant price tags, I would have rather made them free for people who need them, or given them to a place with a mission I support. Liberality is self-preservation. And so is personal research.

It is not beyond me to convene with an internet stranger for a drink after a few months of chatting. I make sure someone knows the time and address of where I’m going and that they know when they can expect to hear from me. While not the safest means of making new contacts, I will not be at the mercy of the news and the mistakes that others have made. If any of us lived this way, we’d be locked in panic rooms all day, everyday, and there’s too much fun to be had for that.

I familiarized myself with my weaknesses (driving directions, punctuality, and stray dogs, to name a few) as a form of self-preservation and instead of chastising myself for having them, I work according to them. A late night in downtown LA that will require I drive home alone is probably not the best idea for me considering I know I will lose myself in the maze of streets and another thing I know about myself is that too often do I wait until the last possible minute to fill up my gas tank.

Picking up a dog, no matter how sweet and innocent looking, would not be my brightest moment considering it could very well rear it’s head on me and dogs do not say they’re sorry and sorry does not heal flesh wounds. The last time I picked up a stray, I spent twenty minutes in the street with her, allowing her to sniff my hands and legs, and waiting only until she approached me willingly to bring her back to my car and stick her in the trunk, where she couldn’t get to me while I drove her to safety. She was so sweet I named her Pie but who would have been surprised if my startling revelation of the week was that stray dogs may bite?

It is okay and perfectly natural to not be good at everything. Check your weaknesses by not letting them get the best of you and enlighten others with your new strategies.

Teaching and expressing tolerance for what contradicts even your firmest beliefs is self-preservation. I do not agree with many things but this is not The World According to Calamity Jill, so I must fully accept that people will differ from me. Lots of people. With many varying degrees of opinions and beliefs. It keeps the planet seasoned deliciously, if you think about it. I am not threatened by this, but fascinated. People will not like me or my convictions or the things that I think are right and true. For example, two doors to the left of my house and four to the right house homophobes. I do not agree with them – but like I have my own strong opinions – I accept that theirs exist. These differences, no matter how stark or unsettling or infuriating, should never warrant harm. I absolutely stole their ‘Yes on Prop 8’ signs from the grass on the street because it is as much my cul-de-sac as theirs and my freak flags weren’t denying rights to anyone. Should I post a sign in disagreement with their right to bear arms, I risk letting perfect strangers know that I am not okay with something they have in their home. Like the homophobes, I do not hurt them by screwing my lady friends in my home, so I don’t have to look at their signs if I don’t want to, much like they might not like seeing mine. Admittedly, this is rude and stubborn. While I try to expand my lenience for most human behavior and preach for others to do the same, I am still having some trouble wrapping warm acceptance around people who openly discourage a form of love they simply don’t enjoy.

But I acknowledge that homophobes and racists and megaphone-wielding prejudiced-as-all-get-out men and women are humans with beating hearts, much like mine, and we are going to share the planet for a long, long time. We have our beliefs and this we have in common. And so I remain peaceful so long as they remain peaceful, and I explain to my daughter as gravely as possible that not everyone is the same and they never will be. Harm onto others for any difference between them and you is wholly unacceptable. The most I can do to maintain a healthy, nicely scented and favorable homeostasis in my environment is to educate myself and others on the ways of the world and its people. Balling my fists and clenching my teeth only hurts me. Encouraging destruction only widens the difference gap and after a point, there’s simply no skipping over that hole for mending purposes. There is no need for these fissures in our world.

Practicing self-preservation is one of the wisest things one can do for themselves and others. I plan to major in it, spread it out among my community and reap its benefits. And cookies.

Editor’s Note: this is Part II, you can read Part I on Calamityjill’s blog