When to Give in to our Children

Picking battles is usually code for getting intimidated and ignoring your duty. A three year old is not a partner. Not everyone comes away happy from everything. If you rob a bank, the judge is not going to work with you to decide how you can both be happy about the outcome. The earlier a child learns consequences to ignoring his guardian's wise and loving authority, the more natural the lesson will be. There is a time and place for choices and creativity and a time and place to do what is right including putting on your coat instead of yelling, "I don't WANT TO mommy!!" in a crowded daycare as is fashionable these days. Kids love the security of a strong parent. My own 4 year old is displaying leadership now of her own with her friends and younger siblings having had strong role models and clear rules.

When my kids were little and they didn't want to wear a coat, I went to my freezer and grabbed a frozen clump of meat. I told them that if they didn't want to wear a coat on a cold day, this is what their insides look like by the time they got to school. They wore their coats.
As for picking my battles - it's like this: If they don't want to dress in the morning, they go to school in pajamas. If they don't comb their hair, they go to school a mess. IF they don't brush their teeth one morning, they have stinky breath and a classmate calls them on it. These are things that will not affect my day except to bring me joy when they come home with the stories...
If they want to do something that isn't safe, there is no way I'm going to let that happen.
I don't give in to my children. I make decisions. If I say no, I mean no. If they want an immediate decision they can take a no or a maybe. Maybe doesn't necessarily mean no, it means I need to think about it.
I have 2 teenagers who are smart, level headed, and well adjusted. They don't walk all over me and know that if I say NO I mean No.
LBC

I love this article. It provides a different way of parenting...parenting with respect. I think that parenting mostly comes from a place of power, and when you make your child put on his/her coat (for example) it is a show of power: "I can make you do it, because I am your parent." All that this teaches is resentment from the child, and possibly insecurity and a sense of inadequacy in his/her own decision making skills. I stive to become the parent who thinks before speaking -- so I can stop having power struggles over things that are not important.

I generally agree that a lot of issues are developmental and will go away - though I sometimes wonder about whether allowing a child always to do as they want will somehow negatively affect them - but I am not sure of the science in the area.
There are some areas where it is hard to always avoid a battle as it may involve control of you. My daughter is 3 and a delight. however, she is at the stage where she wants to control everything. she wants to be first for everything and she wants to do everything before you do. So if I put on nightdress and she then decides she wants to put on hers first, she will get all upset untill I take off my nightdress and let her put on hers. the easy approach is definitely to comply but I don't always want to comply - especially if I am tired and dying to get into bed myself. If someone goes down the stairs before she does, she will want them to go back up the stairs and let her go first. We are having conversations about how other children are unlikely to want to do this and themselves will want to be first. I can't quite decide is this like flinging food - a developmental stage - that will just evaporate. In another few months will she just stop doing this and I will hardly notice the transition? Just not sure.

I totally agree with Amy. I do not believe that it's all a matter of making sure that everyone gets what they want. I'm sorry but this whole article is a crock of bull!! With parenting like this, it's no wonder there are children all over this country getting away with anything that they want! My husband and I are strict parents but you know what? It has paid off in more ways than I could have ever imagined. We've been in public places and I have had strangers come up to me and compliment my child because she is so well behaved. Yes, it is more work on both parents to keep rules and make sure that the rules are followed but it is well worth it. All kids need the rules and the structure. It makes them feel loved because they know that mom and dad care enough to put boundaries on them and keep them safe.

I agree with Amy. Letting your child be a partner in his/her own upbringing is wrong. The operative word here is CHILD. Too many people are afraid to say no to their children. They will go to great lengths to avoid meltdowns. This just teaches the child that meltdowns get parents to give in. Children need to know who is in charge. They are not adults and should not have the privilege of deciding whether or not to wear a coat. They need a responsible adult to look out for their well-being and make those decisions for them. If I gave my 8 year-old daughter the choice to wear her coat or not, she wouldn't wear it and wouldn't care if she got cold. Therefore, I don't give her the choice. For small things, I try to offer choices as in "should we have peas or carrots with dinner?" Sometimes this helps them eat their veggies, and sometimes they want neither so they have to pass on dessert.

I'm most often confronted with the question of "when do I give in?" when I've told my son he can't have or do something if he does X, he does X and then apologizes and asks for a second chance and harps and harps about wanting the thing I said he couldn't have (my son is 4 1/2). Sometimes the elapsed time since the transgression is long enough or the apology seemingly real enough that I'm tempted to give in, but I don't want to make future if-then statements less effective because my son knows I might change my mind. This is not the sort of situation where we can both get what we want.

Nothing has to be a "battle". You should be your child's partner, not his/her enemy.

This article is refreshing and, IMO, right on. So many times parents decide the yeses and nos based on their own agendas, feelings and needs, that have little to do with the child.

Put yourself in your child's place for one minute and you'll see how even "you have to put on a coat" is pretty silly in their eyes. Imagine your husband telling you "you have to put on a coat, because I think it's cold out", you say, "but I don't need a coat", he says "well you have to wear one because I said so". Pretty outrageous, right? The cold might not bother you (them) and the coat might be confining.

Just because YOUR mother may have parented in this way, doesn't mean you have to! If you switch gears it may take some time before your child learns to trust you, so it may feel like you're efforts are "wasted", but they are not. Soon you'll find that you don't automatically react with a "no".

A partnership with your children makes for a better, more trusting and more peaceful relationship. Partnership is the key word - avoid a dictatorship (in either direction).

Try reading "Peaceful Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, again IMO a great place to start.

I think there has to be a balance. It is not our job to be partners with our children, it is our job to be parents. I agree with Amy, not eveyone is going to come away from every situation happy. It's OK to pick your battles and not fight about the little stuff, like whether the child will wear the red coat or the blue coat today. But, if it is cold outside and the parent allows the young child to go outside without a coat, that is not good parenting. As parents, it is our job to lovingly set limits for the children. Children without limits who are allowed to make the rules themselves often end up having problems with authority later on. Such as having problems in school when there teacher sets the rules and the child rebels because they were allowed to set their own rules at home.

I agree that too many parents are shirking their responsibilities by using the "if it doesn't hurt them or me, let them" adage. Parenting is by no means easy and requires huge amounts of patience, time and discipline on both sides. If parents aren't disciplined themselves, they opt for psychological games that make them feel better while in the process, gives their children a false sense of value of themselves and their purpose. Setting clear boundaries is invaluable for children and sadly seems to be falling out of fashion. By starting early on you begin the training process that will set the standard for later on.