What? Well Behaved Children who Never Tantrum

If you liked this article, you'll love the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". I'm expecting my first child any day now and read it about a month ago. It was given to my husband by one of his customers who married a man who had a two year old daughter. She, never having been around children before, was having difficulties communicating and interacting with her step daughter. Once she applied the techniques in the book, their relationship was greatly improved. I feel much more confident about parenting after reading it. Check it out!

All kids are different - I'm sure some kids will respond well to this, but my children would not. In fact, I've tried it. My child would never say anything in response to my trying to "validate their feelings". In fact, I would likely be slapped in the face or kicked and they would go on screaming - louder.

I still do try to validate feelings first and sometimes - rarely - it works. The rest of the time, I swing them over my shoulder and take them far away from any attention or benefits of the tantrum. If I get hit, kicked, scratched or bit during this removal, a good spank on the bottom is all the discouragement that is needed to normally make them stop.

Try the method mentioned above, but if it doesn't work, remember that kids are people too who need to make their own choices and not all children or older people will be compliant in a reasonable manner. There are multiple methods of raising children because there are multiple children out their with different personality types.

Um, I do all of these - though I am not perfect in the "one on one" department because I have 3 children.

One of them still often has tantrums when things don't go his way. One of them often still cries when things don't go his way. One of them is too young to know, but based upon what I have seen so far, he'd be fine & mellow unless we were rotten parents.

These are nice ideas and well worth trying, but I think it's worth remembering that all children are unique. My "cryer" can actually get MORE upset when I validate his feelings. And my tantrum-thrower is not thrown off course by "Yes, we'll read that book again when..." (as opposed to "no").

Yes, these approaches save me SOME meltdowns, but the thought that doing these things means your children will NEVER have tantrums is....hooey.

My child never had tantrums. Okay that's a lie. She had 1 at about 18 months or so. She had a 1 minute time out in her crib (door open, me at the door but out of sight) and she never did it again.
I've always validated her feelings and encouraged her to use her words from the time she had enough words to use. I've helped her verbalize her feelings from a very early age with things like "I know you're mad" That stuff really does work.
It is possible to raise a child tantrum free. It's just a behaviour that is simply not allowed, plain and simple!

When I had my first child, I wanted to find a way to parent while still being respectful to my children. I didn't want to hit, use blame, shame, guilt or withdrawl of love (mind games) to get them to mind.

This type of parenting does that! Why battle or be the tough cop if you don't need to. The focus on this type of parenting is self-awareness and who wouldn't want to be better equipped at that?

To Jenn, who didn't find help with validating feelings, there are lots of other tools that help. My oldest isn't a "feeler" either but rather a "thinker" and walking him through the logic of things is what helps him. Every kid is different but there are lots of techniques available.

I think it's excellent advice and a great perspective. Most of us have learned that our kids are smarter than we ever imagined children could be. However, I think that in taking this information and putting it into practical application we need to remember that they are still children! They are little people not only learning their ABC's but also what emotions are called and how to properly display them. Tantrums don't always refect us as parents, and not taking them personally as a failure is key to survival.

Thanks for a great article!

I don't think this article takes into account that some children are "spirited" (ie, more difficult) than other children, and NO MATTER what you do with them, they will have a difficult time occasionally with transitions or not getting what they had hoped they would.

I love it when parents tell me how "easy" their children are because of the way they have raised them, and then have another child, with a completely different (and difficult) personality, who overturns their world. Then they say, "Oh my gosh- now I get it! THIS is why parenting can be so frustrating. This child doesn't respond at all like my other ones did."

I am a sort of "hippie" mom. I do EVERY one of these thing that you have mentioned in this article. I listen to my child, validate his feelings, keep him abreast of what's going on in our daily lives, always allow him to feel things rather than trying to shut them off and basically go by the motto: It is my job to teach (and love), not to punish. I spend LOADS of time with him doing things that he loves ---- giving him my undivided attention and support for his growth.

HOWEVER, my child is spirited and will occasionally fly off the handle- and have a HUGE tantrum, at any given moment. Using these tactics I am sure this happens less often than if I were constantly berating him, but it STILL HAPPENS. This is just his personality. He has been this way since the day he was born.

When you write articles like this one that say it is possible to keep children from ever doing "X", you set up unrealistic expectations for parents of difficult children- and when our children occasionally do "X" the result is that we parents assume we are doing a horrible job.

If you have easy going children who ALWAYS respond to these approaches- good for you! But every child is different--- and BORN that way--- and assuming that doing X as a parent will ALWAYS result in X from a child is just close minded and inaccurate. In addition, writing it in an article like this will unfortunately cause many parents to think that they are terrible parents, when in fact their child might just be more difficult than this formula allows for.

Parents receive enough judgement in the form of other parents, grandparents, and just strangers on the street. We don't need if from a website that has been created to give us support.

Let me preface my comment by saying it's late, and this will not be as articulate as I would like, but I feel I must say something...

Well said, ann--I appreciate your comments. This article does contain some useful ideas, but I would caution readers to take into consideration the personality of the child(ren) they are dealing with. Not all kids will be miraculously tantrum-free.

I also take the approaches above, but have two "spirited" kids. In fact, the delivery nurse's first words when my second child was born were "Wow, there's a fiery one!" I had all sorts of ideas about how child-rearing was going to work before my first was born (Think Baby-Wise, scheduling, exclusive breastfeeding, etc).

Children come how they come. A mellow, easy going child is born that way, and will likely respond well to the ideas explained above, but a high-intensity kid who came into this world too busy to sleep may need something different.

Yes, I have used (and still do use) all of the above, but believe me, we had many tantrums in public places. I have had to leave my cart full of groceries in the store to go have time-out in the car...I have had to physically make them get buckled into car seats. Yes, I did explain, validate and show respect, but the bottom line is that when we are in the car, you must be in your carseat--there is no alternative. And if you choose to squirm, thrash, scream like I'm stabbing you, I have no choice but to assist in the process. Do my kids have choices? Of course. But they must learn that some things are just not negotiable. Believe me, you cannot reason with a child who has hit the tantrum wall.

My kids are now 8 and 5, and have become (mostly) logical, reasonable people, but it has taken more than just listening, validation, respect, attention and determining the root of the problem. It has taken a loving firmness over and over and over again, until they have realized that mom means business. Consequences. Do we still have meltdowns? Yep, and I expect we will for some time to come. And I will continue to tailor my reactions and responses to their needs. Until you have a strong headed child, you simply will not understand...

How can I be so sure? Because, Ms Danielle, you can doubt me on this, but MY certainty overcomes your sermon, and I know what I know. (I might add that I though that was an indredibly patronizing line in the article)

My kids are now in their 30's. Neither one of them ever had a tantrum. I don't think I ever did either as a child. I came from the old school way of child-rearing "if you don't stop right now, I'll give you something to cry about". Lol. Well, evidently, it worked. I would immediately stop crying and so would my children. If we were in a store and one of them wanted something and I said no, it was no. There wasn't any negotiation about it. No tantrum needed!

One thing I truly hated and still do, is whining. I never could tolerate it and all I had to do was look at them and it would stop. I wasn't much of a hitter, I didn't need to be. Just a look from me or telling them to stop was enough to put an end to unwanted behavior.