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What Makes A Parent-Child Relationship Close?
My thirty-something-year-old daughter recently emailed a colleague of hers and me to introduce us, saying: “there are many overlaps in your work—you really should meet each other.”
So when we finally met (and after we had taken a cell phone photograph of us together to email to my daughter, saying “Mission Accomplished!”), I expected the conversation to begin with our mutual interests in work. It didn’t. My daughter’s colleague launched our conversation by asking:
“I don’t know many people your daughter’s age who are as close to their mothers as your daughter is to you. I have a 10-year-old and would love to have that kind of relationship with my own daughter. Why do you think you are so close?”
“I had that kind of relationship with my own mother,” I answered. “I connect to my daughter the way my mother connected to me.”
“What did she do?” my daughter’s colleague asked.
“I was always free to tell her when things weren’t working between us and why,” I answered.
It would have been my mother’s birthday last week—so I have been thinking of her a lot. Her birthday is at the end of May—the time of year when the spring flowers have faded and the summer flowers are bursting forth. As the day of her birthday dawned, my sister and I wrote to each other about her—as we always do—remembering Mother’s birthdays in her 90s, eating “pink-and-yellow-rose decorated store-bought cake” until we all felt sick and fell asleep on the chairs that are now in our homes, not hers. We also wrote about how we continue to talk with her, even though she isn’t here.
But the conversation with my daughter’s colleague took me back to Mother when I was a rebellious and moody pre-teen, a time when I was prone to slam doors, not speak for hours or to yell, rather than talk. Like most pre-teens, I was not easy. And yet Mother navigated my moods with true grace. She would NOT listen to me if I were rude or mean. But if I could bring my complaints to her without being nasty, she would listen.
And so I did. I told her when she wasn’t being fair in the way she treated my sister and me. She told me that I had a point and she worked hard at changing. I told her that I desperately didn’t want to go to the school she had selected for me to attend. She told me that education was extremely important to her and I had to give it a chance. So I did. Throughout her life, I was able to talk to her about what mattered most to me. And throughout her life, she was able to talk to me about what mattered most to her.
I didn’t realize how unusual this was until I began spending the night with friends and saw that some of them weren’t able to talk to their mothers and fathers the way I was able to talk with my mother.
And I didn’t realize that not all kids are trusted and expected to be good until I went to the school Mother wanted me to attend and saw that this school didn’t really trust us; in fact, they expected us to do things that were wrong.
I remember looking at my Mother then with new-found respect. And when my own daughter stormed at me during her growing-up years, I tried hard to keep the door open to hearing her feelings. But I always continued my mother’s rule—strong feelings could be expressed and listened to as long as they were said in ways that weren’t mean and weren’t rude.
I now realize that my mother and I use the skill of perspective taking—attempting to understand what others think and feel without imposing our own perspectives on what’s on their minds. But I only realized this when I was researching and writing my latest book, Mind in the Making.
And my thirty-something-year-old daughter and I continue to talk with each other this way. She tells me what she thinks and feels and I tell her what I think and feel—many, many times a day.
So I thank my daughter for connecting me to her colleague and giving me the chance to reconsider closeness my closeness with my family across the generations. This is a conversation worthy of continuing and expanding.
If you have or had a particularly close relationship with a parent, what did he or she do to make it close? Or if you have a particularly close relationship with one or more of your children, what are you doing to foster that relationship?
Share your thoughts below- I’m very curious to hear.
Ellen Galinsky, President and Co-Founder of Families and Work Institute, helped establish the field of work and family life at Bank Street College of Education, where she was on the faculty for twenty-five years. Her more than forty books and reports include Ask The Children, the now-classic The Six Stages of Parenthood, and Mind in the Making, to be published by HarperStudio in April 2010. She has published more than 100 articles in academic journals, books and magazines. Don’t miss Ellen’s earlier post What are the Life Skills Your Kids Need to Thrive in the Google Age
Editor’s Note: Go ahead and add your thoughts below, you may win a Mind in the Making vook (a video book you can download onto your computer, iPhone or iPad), courtesy of Ellen and her team!
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Carolyn, June 7, 2010
I did not have a close relationship with my mother because she wouldn't listen. Now that I have daughters of my own I'm determined to do things differently. This is the one thing I do, listen. I have told each of them the same thing you just mentioned. I'll always listen to you when you're respectful. There is a way to express yourself without being rude and hurtful...
Amy Smith, June 7, 2010
I loved reading this piece because my it is very similar to the relationship my mother had with her and the one I share - along with my sister - with my mother. And, having two young daughters, I realize more and more how important it will be for all of us to continue this tradition. The one thing I might add is that both my grandmother and mother have a very open, warm and joyful view of the world...
KW, June 7, 2010
I also think it a close relationship could with your children could come from the opposite relationship with your own mother. My mother taught me exactly what NOT to do. My desire to be close with my children is everpresent in my life & I take that bond very seriously. My son is a little older I notice that sometimes it comes naturally...other times I have to work on connecting with him. But, I never dismiss his thoughts or feelings & keep the lines of communication open...
cheryl jallow, June 7, 2010
I had a very close realtionship with my mum who died 13 years ago when i was 21, we alway's talked if i had a problems and i knew i could go with anything. I also have very close realationship with my dad which i love as now i can talk to my dad.
Im trying to do the same with my son he is only 4 but im showing him we can sit down and talk.
Simona, June 7, 2010
When I was growing up I had very bad relationship with my parents. I still remember thinking that I would NEVER treat my children the way I was treated! I'm now the very proud mother of a 17yr old son and a 14yr old daughter. At first it was very difficult for me to be open and honest with my son (I had to get over my own "issues" first!). It was MUCH easier with my daughter & she also helped "bridge" the communication divide between my son and I...
Sujata, June 7, 2010
this is really good article on relationship. I would like to share about the deep relationship I have with my mom. Unlike many mom I have seen, my mom come from the age and life which was traditional in many sense, had not had much education, a simple farmer women. But my life is completely different then her, she cannot comprehend the work I do but she is always there to support me and trying to understand my work, my relationship with my husband and my son in her own way...
Kat, June 7, 2010
I loved this article. My nine year old daughter and I write notes to one another. We each have folders with paper on one side and we are able to put notes on the other. We ask each other questions like "If you had three wishes what would they be?", or "What was your favorite moment growing up?" I find it puts us on equal footing, is fun and hopefully as she reaches those pre-teen years she will be able to ask tough questions without embarassment...
dorothy gerner, June 7, 2010
i did the same as you with my daughter----there never was any talking with my mother"childeren are to be seen and not feard"was her philosophy...........when i stayed at friends homes i found parents who actually converse with their kids!!! i must have done a good job--at her wedding my daughter had the dj play 'you are the wind beneath my wings' for us!!! she also wrote a paper about my being her hero when she was in middle school............i was the one she called from school to tell me all sorts of 'kid' news...........today,i live with her family(attached grandma house)and take care of my grandkids after school.......we still talk like always and now she is my hero!!!!
Margaret, June 7, 2010
My daughter is too young for me to forget that close of a relationship. By nature, we're close. She's only 18 months old. My dream is to have a close relationship like that when she's old. I have always said i would raise my daughter differently than my parents raised me. And i am definately trying. They look at me like i'm crazy when i talk to my 18 month old and validate her feelings and things like that. But it honestly works, and it is something i plan on doing her entire life...
Susan, June 7, 2010
I really enjoyed your article and will take it to heart. There is nothing more then I want is to have a close relationship with my daughter and to have that passed on through the generations.
Chris, June 7, 2010
I had a close relationship to both of my parents but mostly when I reached parenting age myself. I was that same rebellious teen, then couldn't wait to get out of the house and go to college, rent my own 'roof'. Once I became a mom however, I started getting to know my parents more as individuals, hanging out with them more, working with them on an individual basis...
Ma. Teresa S. Habitan, June 7, 2010
I have a 23 year old daughter, and she has told me more than once that her friends envy the kind of relationship we have. We are able to discuss minor and major issues in our lives, sometimes becoming more like best friends than mom and daughter...
D'Ann, June 7, 2010
Although challenging I do intently listen to my children even as they tell every detail of a game played at school, a car repair job, a conversation with a friend, etc. I have found bedtime to be the best time of day. As I go from room to room with hugs and kisses, I discoverd that this was the time my quiet, reserved child would tell you what was really on his mind. We've had many conversations at the end of the day and I cherish each moment.
Kristy Scott, June 7, 2010
I am an only child, and my mom and I always were, and still are (I'm 36) extremely close. She taught me how to read when I was 3, how to identify birds and types of animals, took me everywhere with her, and included me in every aspect of her life. She was always honest with me about how she felt,and I always felt I could tell her anything. She prayed with me each night and tucked me in , even up into high school days...
Laura, June 7, 2010
That is a really great perspective. I hope to have that kind of relationship with my own daughter. :)
