Photo by: iStock

The Mommy Contract

by Rebecca Flansburg of "Frantic Mommy"
Photo by: iStock


Something happens to us when we become parents for the first time.

After a magical nine months, we wake up one morning as moms and dads with a front row seat to a new world filled with beauty, amazement, worry and uncertainty. Life B.C. (Before Children) suddenly seems like a far-off trip we took “way back when” as a completely new chapter in our lives begins to unfold.

As brand-spankin’ new parents, your minutes, days and weeks will be filled with moments of gratitude, the kind that makes your heart overflow with love and joy, but just as many moments that truly make you want to snatch yourself bald and run away and join the circus. Children are magical little beings and gifts from God, but sometimes that’s hard to remember when your child mouths off for 567th time that day or your toddler insists on defying the KEEP YOUR PANTS ON IN PUBLIC rule.

Note: When that happens, always blame it on Daddy. The “no pants” part, I mean. It was “no pants” that got you both into this parenthood predicament in the first place….

Any mom who has been through The Trenches of Parenthood at least once will agree that, when you become a mom, a whole new layer of your being appears. The person in your skin that used to fret about the couch throw pillows matching now has bigger fish to fry. Once you give birth, your throw pillow worries seem vvveeerrryyyy minuscule. Those “pre-pregnancy” conundrums will be replaced with more monumental “post-pregnancy” worries like, Apgar Scores, SIDS, biting and head lice.

Welcome to the reality of what I like to call The Mommy Contract.

The Mommy Contract is basically the unwritten rules of Mamahood that no one tells you about during the time your “bun” is cooking in your “oven.” No one told me anyway, not that I would have listened. While pregnant with our last child my whole world centered around sleeping, peeing and plotting how to quench my mad Hardees Big Roast Beef and Chicken-And-Stars soup cravings. But once your little Dumpling of Joy pops out, you are “IN,” sista.

Welcome to motherhood, lovelies. Here’s what you can expect:

THE MOMMY CONTRACT.


  • YOU SHALL struggle, be confused, and screw up a lot.


  • YOU WILL freak out at every boo-boo and keep a stock of Band-Aids and first aid gear on hand that will rival what could be found in a Post-Apocalyptic Prepper bunker.


  • YOU WILL cry just as hard (or harder) as your Wee Ones on dreaded Shot Day at the doctor’s office.


  • YOU MUST gain guts and a level fierceness that you never dreamed you had. If you have always been shy and found it hard to speak up, that will go out the window once someone or something endangers or threatens to injure your pride-and-joy. #MamaGrizzlyBear


  • YOU WILL give in to the fact you will never get a good night’s sleep again until your kids are at least 30. Even after they are long gone from your humble adobe, I predict you will still hear the squeak of their bedroom door and hear their “I-have-crappy-cold” coughs three zip codes away.


  • YOU SHALL discover new and exciting ways to leave the house, with half the house. It becomes a Code of Preparedness Honor to cram your moderately-sized diaper bag with 8 toys, 15 diapers, a bin of wipes, four outfits, butt paste, teething medicine, one of those suck-the-boogers-out-snot-sucker-thingys, baby nail clippers, two blankets and countless “spitty rags.” Oh yeah, food. You won’t be able to leave home without a 20-day supply of baby formula and finger foods. Basically plan on turning into a human pack mule.


  • YOU MUST discover new and exciting ways to leave the house without your small charges. Plan on creating an entire playbook on How to Leave the House Undetected that would make a Navy Seal envious.


  • YOU WILL consistently forget your phone, your name, where you left your car keys…and possibly even where you left your car, on a weekly basis. On the flipside, you will be able to predict every bowel movement down to a 15 minute window (your child’s, not yours), recall immunization schedules and know your pediatrician’s personal cell phone number by heart.


  • YOU MUST learn to pick your battles as your child gets older. Toddlers are notorious for rocking their own style and unless you want a battle that would rival DefCon5 over him/her wearing swim goggles to day care, let it go, mommy. Besides, I know I feel pretty hot when I wear swim goggles to work….


  • YOU SHALL henceforth acknowledge that the occasional urge to “run away and join the circus” (or Cirque du Soleil if you are hip like me ::cough::cough::) is completely normal.



    • IN CONCLUSION:
    A huge advantage of having The Mommy Contract in your life is the knowledge that other moms are in the same boat as you.

    We “get it,” we’ve been there and mama, you are SO normal.



    Rebecca is a freelance writer and blogger living in Northern Minnesota. She is the dedicated mom to two beautiful kids, a veteran blogger at Frantic Mommy and someone who loves to laugh about the trials and tribulations of parenthood. If another mom reads her corny stories and thinks, “Thank gawd it’s not just me!”….mission accomplished. You can also follow Rebecca on Pinterest

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