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The Fur Berry Dilemma
In Hungary, where I have lived for ten years, most schools operate with tight budgets. As a result, there aren’t a lot of toys or books in the classrooms for kids to play with or look through during breaks. In the States, the “bring-your-own lunch” concept exists; in Hungary, kids are allowed—in fact, encouraged—to bring in their own toys.
This has never caused much of a problem. My eight-year-old son has always relished the morning ritual of choosing which toy to bring in: Should it be a Lego dinosaur? How about Playmobil pirates or some tiny, plastic animal figures? Now that my six-year-old daughter, Sara, is entering first grade, she is already eagerly anticipating this practice—a stuffed unicorn, perhaps? Maybe a pretty pink pony?
I’ve rarely had an opportunity to witness what happens when my kids actually arrive at school, but I imagine how it goes each morning. They set down their backpacks, take off their jackets, and change into the indoor slippers required in most Hungarian schools. Then they produce their toys. There are lots of oohs of admiration, squeals of excitement. Exchanges are made, deals struck—if you let me play with that at recess, you can play with this and then after five minutes we can switch—and on a really lucky day, My mom says we can swap as long as we swap back tomorrow.
As Sara’s first year in elementary school progresses she spends much of her time talking excitedly about who has what, and long minutes are devoted each morning to carefully selecting her toy of the day. “Tekla likes ponies,” she’ll say, “so I should bring this blue pony with the sparkles, and then maybe she’ll let me play with her white Pegasus with the golden reins, unless Flora brings her mermaid with the sequins, because then I would want …” Occasionally she mentions, “We learned a new letter today” or “We started adding double digits.” With an approving nod, I encourage her to divulge more about her school day, but her response is inevitably “And Athena brought in a ballerina Barbie …”
One day not long after Christmas, Sara comes home chattering eagerly about a new toy that has made its appearance—something that apparently stands out from the now mundane ponies, mermaids, and Barbies.
“It’s a stuffed animal that can transform into a fruit and even smells like a fruit,” she explains excitedly. “A Fur Berry. And there are four, maybe even five different kinds! And Tekla has one, and so does Flora, and Anna, and …” She stops her speech and looks at me expectantly.
“Well that’s great. Lots of Fur Berries, lots of opportunities to make swaps.”
But she’s shaking her head as if I don’t understand. I turn and face her. She is not eager or excited as I first thought, but agitated. In fact, her big brown eyes are blinking hard, fighting back tears. “No, Mommy,” she says with a hint of desperation. “Everyone has a Fur Berry—don’t you see?—everyone but me.” I may have been slow on the uptake, but now the message is clear. Swapping isn’t enough. A Fur Berry is not a toy one merely obtains on exchange for just a day or two at the most. Its importance lies far beyond its transient entertainment value. It will earn her social cachet, and it’s vital that I as a parent understand this. But somehow, I find myself unable to accept Sara’s urgent need for this fuzzy, pastel-colored plaything.
Days go by, however, and the Fur Berry is the only topic she’s willing to discuss, and always with the teary eyes. Eventually she does concede that, okay, not everyone has a Fur Berry. Only the girls. And well, not all the girls either, only a few. But they are the girls that matter. They are the girls who decide who is in and who is out.
My husband and I are dismayed. She’s only in first grade, yet peer pressure and the tyranny of cliques have already reared their ugly heads. Sooner than I expected, I find myself recalling my own painful struggles of early adolescence. I was never a popular child, introverted and bookish, awkward and unfashionable. And this last quality, my lack of style, was the most problematic. I was sadly aware of how popularity was connected to wealth, and that material possessions could impact one’s social standing: all my clothes came from the Sears catalogue, while many of the other girls were wearing trendy stone-washed Guess jeans. “A waste of money,” my mother would say, “and totally unimportant.” But I remember the looks of scorn on my classmates’ faces.
Painful as it was, however, I knew then as I know now, that the lessons my mother was teaching were important. A person’s value could not be measured according to the number of designer labels hanging in the closet. As my mother reminded me repeatedly, friends and social groups were chosen based on shared interests or personal qualities such as a sense of humor or intelligence. Whether someone had the latest velour V-neck pullover was of no consequence. “We don’t buy things just for the sake of popularity!” she’d say.
In a rare moment, even my Hungarian mother-in-law, who tends not to agree with any of my ideas on childrearing, concurs. She grew up under communism, raised her children under communism, and while she despises totalitarianism, she is also disgusted by the creeping materialist culture. “There was never much to buy in those days,” she explains, “so we never had situations like this Fur Berry business. All you could get were the same Czechoslovak paper dolls, East German toy cars, Yugoslav jeans. What was the status in that? Nothing. It was better that way. Now,” she says shaking her head and waving her hands, “everything comes in from the West. Everyone has to have what everyone else has got. A terrible waste.” (Keep reading this article on Brain, Child magazine)
Editor’s Note: What do you think about must have" toys? Add your thoughts in the Comments below, and you could be a lucky winner of a 1 year subscription to Brain, Child magazine!
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Melissa Ceccofiglio, July 10, 2010
Personally...I feel this is why a chores are so important...It teaches a work ethic. And in they end the child can decide if they want to shell out the hard earned money on a "fuzzy, pastel-colored plaything". I feel even the smallest child understands, toys cost money...so why not let them decide which toys are worth their hard work!!! :O)
Kerry , July 10, 2010
I am surprised that any school encourages the bringing of toys to school. My daughter's preschool is pretty well into discouraging it from infancy and at my son's public school such things would be confiscated. All that being said my lovely 3 year old and 5 year old are unfortunately horribly materialistic. It sickens me to see them ask for the latest this or that...
Tina, July 12, 2010
This is fascinating on several fronts. First of all, as a teacher, we strictly enforce the rule not to bring toys in as they are usually sneakily introduced during math lesson instead of recess. Having said that, recess is being removed in many districts, so there is no time for free play and bringing toys. I like the idea of sharing toys that you described, how the girls seem to be able to play for 5 minutes and then switch...
Sarah, July 14, 2010
Last year my daughter was dying to get a Webkin. When I asked her why she needed one, the response was "because everyone has one" At that point I told her if she could come up with a good reason why she wanted one (and everyone having one was Not a good reason), then we could get one for Christmas or her birthday. She spent months mooning over them when we passed tham in the store and till she finally came up with a reason that had nothing to do with everyone else.
Cathy M, July 16, 2010
Fads come and go - we recently battled the issue of Silly Bandz - multicolored rubber bracelets shaped in various animals, letters, objects, etc. They were inexpensive and fun for kids to wear and trade. Although I did not buy them for my 7 yr old, friends felt badly that she had none and gave her some of their own. Then she used some money saved from her birthday to buy a pack that she could share with friends in return...
T, July 16, 2010
At the start of your column, I was intrigued by the cultural differences you mention--bringing in toys and wearing "indoor" slippers. Then you mention the "everyone has" situation, and it emphasizes that, even with the cultural differences, children can be so alike, no matter where they live...
amy, July 16, 2010
My daughter is almost this age...We've pretty much kept her away from influences that would bring on the competitive materialism so far..we never encourage shopping for toys or watching kiddie toy commercials we chose a Christian 4K for the fall where the emphasis won't be on barbie (she wanted the $300 Barbie house for Christmas-I was appalled she'd even heard of it in daycare-and NO, she didn't get it, AND she was a trooper and wrote a thank you note to Santa anyway for her other things-it was a great lesson in not always getting what you want-and it was the first thing she ever asked for!), I'm teaching her that her own unique fashion sense can be assembled from spare and affordable clothes that don't need to be designer, and when she does start wanting "certain things" she will have to earn them with her own money, all the while being taught that fitting in is not important or based on things but on being kind to people. Good work not falling into these traps! The Turkish school sounds fascinating! Sigh. I guess the "in crowd" is everywhere.
Brooke , July 16, 2010
You know,and I've been saying this for a while,I don't know why nobody realizes that our society has become so extremely capitalistic that it is becoming every bit as bad as Communism. People today,especially in the U.S., gauge their internal worth on ouward items. I see mothers at Chuck E. Cheese that may not notice if their kids were stolen, because they're so into their i phones. And I sometimes feel that women are the worst when it comes to being too competitive...
Dawn, July 16, 2010
I think this is an excellent article. I try to explain to my children that sometimes you will have nice things, but not all the time. And teaching them the work ethic is extremely important. I started working at 13 years old with a workers permit. I wanted things so I had to work. Children must understand that time and place is very important in life.
All the Best
Michele, July 16, 2010
I taught preschool for the last few years and let children bring toys in, with the understanding that the toys were their responsibility. We had a talk before bringing them out to recess, about the damage that could happen and some toys (electronics) we agreed could not go out, but children could stay in to play with them if they chose. Bringing toys to school opened the door for many conversations on sharing, and when not sharing is valid...
Jennysaurus, July 16, 2010
Materialism is taught to children by slick marketing campaigns that are targeted for that age group and designed to instill a lifelong desire for the latest thing by selling the idea that an item will provide status, happiness, admiration, etc from peers. Marketing execs bank on the fact that kids care more what their friends think than what they themselves need or desire. Read the book No Logo sometime...
Peggy, July 16, 2010
PBS- did a great show on this kind of thing using Marc Brown's charater Arthur. I am not sure if a book also tells the story, but all the characters want a new toy called a woogle and by the time Arthur wants one (just to fit in) they are sold out. He is sad and dejected and starts snapping a juice bottle cap absentmindedly, then Buster notices and says Hey cool I want one! and so on. It give a good perspective to kids who think they really need something just to fit in.
Cathy, July 16, 2010
This a great story because it always reminds me of the mother I thought that I would become when I was a child. As a child, I thought that I would give my children anything to be like everyone else because that is what was important to me at the time. Instead, I grew up to be like my parents. I only have one child and he has most of the things he desires, but they have all been earned. Either he earns money through chores or good deeds and he can spend it how he pleases...
Glenna Jones-Kachtik, July 16, 2010
My mother was one of the "No everyone doesn't - you don't and you're not going to..." type of Moms. I swore that I was never going to say that to my child - but I did. Funny thing - her wants were designer jeans too. She wanted Guess, Sasson, Vanderbuilt - my budget was CATO, K MART...She finally bought some with her allowance at a garage sale next door.
I might have instituted allowance for chores & allowed my child to buy the Fur Berry with her own money...
Jennifer, July 16, 2010
I was from a blue-collar family in a white-collar school. We certainly weren't poor, but we definitely didn't have the money that lots of kids did. My poor sister had a class like your daughters where everyone had a Cabbage Patch kid. We did. They were too expensive and too hard to obtain, and when the mania kicked in, it became about principles for my parents. I was a little older (5th grade) so I understood, but my poor little sister (3rd grade) was being ostracized...
