Second Wife Factors

Very well stated. Being a Stepmom is really tough work and not for the weak at heart. Both my husband and I had a child in our previous marriages and now have one together. There are ups and downs when dealing with both set of Exs. I agree that allowing calls go to voicemail or asking for an email when agreeing upon a change is the best way to handle situations that could become very difficult. The most important thing is to agree as a couple what the boundaries are for your home...and don't let anyone violate them. Schedules/routines are really critical as well. Our children find comfort in knowing what's going to happen next and we find that they are less anxious overall.

I am a second wife with a stepson as well. And for me, I entered before he was 2, so we were able to build on our roles as stepson and stepmom as he was growing up and learning the roles in life. That has made a HUGE difference compared to other stepmom's who don't come into the picture until WAY later in life.

The biggest thing to remember as well, I think, is that the rules at the house are always the same, no matter what. Everyone told me stepson should have different rules, and I said NOPE, he has same rules as everyone else, and that is the biggest aspect. To have that stability, so they know what to expect everytime.

Thank you. I think you captured beautifully the life of a second wife. I have been married 5+ years and whole heartedly agree with your counsel, wish I had found it when I first married. But everything you mentioned I also figured out over time and it has made all the difference in keeping our marriage together. What you didn't mention is having children of your own. I know that's a personal decision, but it has helped smooth a lot more transitions, then I expected. My steps love coming here just to play with their little sis, and I agree because adults are never as much fun as more children.

Very well said although I found one point I differ with; "With the words I do, Second wife becomes instant mom. The struggle begins of finding the balance of relationship with the new children."

I have two children from a previous marriage, older and out of the house. My wife has a son from a previous marriage, 15. In becoming a Stepfather, I already made the commitment and had the mindset that I have another son, just from a different biological father. There is no "Step", more of an "Additional". Ex-Husbands can be just as difficult as Ex-Wives and making the distinction as "Additional" stopped the aggressive attitude of "You are just the/a/my 'Step'father." Exes can get competitive, children test authority and positioning and be it family, friends, neighbors or others, they often unintentionally place the "Step" as a secondary position or as being a hero to fill in where the "Real" parent failed.
Understanding, accepting and being accepted as an equal in all aspects prior to marriage avoids being thrown into the cold water to see if or how long you can swim process. My wife's ex does not like the situation and is antagonistic toward me but he has to behave himself with our son because my position is fully accepted and welcomed by the child. He does not have any replacement, he just has more fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Stepparents unfortunately at times see the child as representing a past relationship and as the addition and something to deal with in the process of building the new one. Or the partner with a child being possessive over their child and not allowing the new (tentative) partner to be an equal and hold the position of being a full parent. I have dumped more than one girlfriend due to those viewpoints prior to meeting my wife. I have been an additional father to my 15 year old for three years.

I appreciate your insight and in no way intend to criticize your term usage, it is common English. I just see and hear too often from and about people that think; "You can work on the relationship with the kids later." (An ex girlfriends comment on our last date when talking about a possible future together.) They either do not want to be alone or want the particular partner and the children are either accepted or tolerated along with putting it on the children to deal with the new situation which is often a grounds to rebel. It is not the DNA that is important but rather being and being accepted as a parent. For anyone considering a potential partner, are the other persons and your attitudes firm of being a full parent or accepting you as a full parent? If not, do not volunteer for the future problems or put the child/children into such a situation. If someone is having difficulty due to these problems, the change a simple term and attitude can work wonders to get things on track. If you create equality and balance, someone just may appreciate getting up from sleeping in to a ready made breakfast. We take turns with it, our son enjoys cooking and occasionally we both get to sleep in.

Thank you so much for posting on a generally ignored topic. So many people talk about men taking on the 'instant family' but it's just as common for a woman. It just reminds me of my own idea to refer to the way that some people think that you are less than a mother if you are a stepmother, as 'stepmom stigma syndrome'. People can be ridiculous! I have two stepchildren who are 9 and 10. I came into their life 5 years ago. They live with us full time except for every other weekend, and dealing with the ex can be a huge trial. And this may not be a great place for this, but does anyone have any advice on having more kids? Especially when the stepchildren are ten or more? It's been a very emotional problem to try to work out. We often talk about it, but it is hard to decide with such an age gap, and my fear of treating the kids differently from each other unconciously, and of course the emotional side of having my first children by blood with someone who already had two kids. It feels sometimes like I would be 'second' on all of it, and that it would be a constant comparison. Thanks!

This was a great piece and it always eases the emotional burden when you know that other people are going through the same or similar situation as you are. This is a second marriage for both my husband and I, we have 4 kids between us and 2 exes to deal with. It's not always easy, but after five years the kids, who are ages 9,8,7,6 have and follow rules and we live as a family with ups and downs. We strive for normalcy and having rules, fights and good time achieves it. My ex has become easier to deal with through the years as well, which has alleviated about 70% of my stress. Unfortunately my husband's ex is still on a mission to make him miserable and although she is a big nuisance in our lives, we are quietly and finally phasing her out. Being a second wife, a stepmom, a mom is not easy, but we do it for love and so far it's worth it.

It's about time to read a piece on this topic! I became a stepmom (or bonus mom) 4 years ago of 2 kids (now 9 & 14) and I raised them full time except for every other weekend. In that time, my husband and I also had 2 of our own (now 3 & 2). So we have a full house. It's been very trying dealing with my husband's ex. In short, she's a train wreck (which was why we had full custody). I only wish your article dealt more with dealing with the immaturity and irresponsibility of the ex. That's been something I've had to deal with and work on by myself, with little support. Because of her childishness, she talks badly about me as stepmom and it appears my stepkids aren't as close to me as I'd like them to be. They so very much want their mom's love that they'll listen to anything she says, even when it's contrary to their stable life with their dad and me and half-siblings. It's like this big pink elephant sitting in the room that no one wants to acknowledge (her) whenever we have family discussions. Anyway, I'm appreciative of the advice (heels & lipstick), but I'm already eons ahead of her in terms of those things (maturity and confidence, success, etc). I just wish her immaturity and game playing would stop. I have to be honest, if I'd have any idea this was what I was in for, I probably wouldn't have married by husband.

As a child my father had married several times, or had a mistress on the side.(he was no prize so go figure) So I learned fast that the children need to be kept out of the center of fire. When my child was going to marry someone who had been married before I cautioned her to meet the mother & have lunch in a public place and get to know the woman and her desires for the children and know she had to be the flexable one but not a doormat. Set values for her home that are resonable and make sure the father is doing all he can to make it work for thechild.

Oh my dearest Hester....just think of the two beautiful and wonderful children that became of because of your marriage! I am a stepmom to an 18 yo dd and I could not have asked for a better stepchild than her! The ex was ridiculous and made acuasations about my "inability and inexperience" as a parent, but I toiled through when EVERYONE said I wouldn't/couldn't!!! Sometimes I think of how differently my in-laws treat our 3 children. So differently from the "step" dd and I have to step back and realize that they are the only ones missing out on how wonderful they all are! I have laid in bed crying myself to sleep because of their indiscretions and it got me no where! I had to learn to pull myself up by the boot straps and move on! I know that it sounds like the same ole' song and dance, but in time they will understand and appreciate how you have ALWAYS been there for them and their biological mother was not! Try not to begrudge your hubby-talk with the children and "help" them to see clearly-they will love you even more in the end and may even surprise you!!!

When I became pregnant with my last child(now 15 mos.) my in-laws were terrible!! I swore them off and didn't want them to be in delivery AT ALL. Iknew that this would hurt my DH so I allowed it. I often find myself saying that "...if I only knew.." but then I look at my kiddos and how absolutely amazing they are and I know that all of the "if I only knews" just got blown out the window because they just flashed me that wonderful smile filled with a million unspoken words. Ex's are difficult and I too wish there was more to read on the "how to's" of dealing with ridiculousness....I have a feeling that you are a very strong woman and will endure until the roads end. Like Katie said..."we do it for love and so far it's worth it."