Replacing Time Out with Time In

Keyuri,

This is an interesting concept. I like the idea of using Time-in as a positive reinforcer instead time-out as a negative reinforcer. I see you pulled the concept of this particular version of "time-in" from the book "Building Emotional Intelligence," which sounds like a great resource.

Jen, It would be interesting to hear a little more about the resources you are using to learn about creating a "time-in" environment. It definitely sounds like there are a variety of versions of "time-in" and the idea of joining your child there seems like a really great -- and bonding -- option!

Great-even less of a deterrent than time out's. Our kids never have tantrums because they got swift calm consequences for beginning them at around 18 months old and never formed the habit. Since their environment was otherwise pleasant and "time in like" they learned quickly not to have outbursts (why bring on a consequence when given a choice?), which are not always caused by legitimate stress as any person with kids knows. It's a habit that every kid tries. Now at 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 they deal with their feelings maturely and we don't need a little health spa in our house for them to go to as a reward for throwing fits, because they don't throw fits. While my friends who do the "positive everything" approach and spend countless hours on it, we have almost no discipline issues. QUIT SPOILING KIDS!

When my daughter was 2, on her own, she designated a space on her "disappointed place." She would go there in our homw as her own, when she was disappointed about something. Our bottom step is extra wide and curls around, and the steps are carpeted. It's that extra space on the bottom step that she called her "disappointed place." It fascinated us that she came up with this concept and used it appropriately on her own; sometimes we also would suggest that she go there.

She is 15 now and it has been many years since she used her "disappointed place," but it was a great concept. Sounds like the time-in space.

I agree with another reader that this does not sound like a good (or safe!) timeout to me. Sounds pretty boring, and much like "time-out", i.e., a time in isolation. And a CANDLE? What are you thinking???????? An open flame and a bored, irritated child. A candle is not even safe with adults, in that it can be brushed against, knocked over, etc. Leaving a child with an open flame is downright irresponsible and a disaster waiting to happen.
I like the idea of 15 minutes of uninterrupted time with a parent as a "time-in". This makes sense and would surely be more meaningful to a child. Don't have the time to spend 15 minutes with him/her? Rethink your priorities, and you can find the time.

15 minutes with your parents is a great idea. Giving it as a reward for bad behavior would be crazy. My kids never gave me any trouble. I told them ONE time to do what I wanted them to do. If they didn't, I lovingly and quietly gave them a spank on the bottom with my wooden spoon. They were allowed to cry for 10-30 sec., they then said sorry and we cuddled and talked about it. If the bad behavior involved a sibling they kissed. They did hate the spoon, I once found 4 of them hidden under my sons bed. He is now the youngest partner in his company and his sister is a doctor with her 3rd on the way! Happy, sucessfull, loving and well adjusted.

Of course, I agree that you have to be able to read your kids' moods, need for sleep, food intake, etc. Also, each of my 4 are very different when it comes to their needs, so it's not the same game plan for each of them. BIT, when it comes to consequences for behavior, I agree with Amy. My 4 kids, like all kids, learned to manipulate situations very early on. If you start down the path of giving them the reward of their favorite cozy place when they act like a monkey, that's what they'll connect tantrum behavior to. What happens when you're out in public and they have a fit? Do you take them to get an ice cream cone to calm down? When my young kids act up, I start with some cuddling and a calm explanation of why their behavior is inappropriate, but if it continues, you can bet that I don't take them out of the situation that is boring them (ie. church.) They learn that acting out doesn't get them a reprive. They learn that sometimes they have to suck it up and be adaptable. My older kids have little to no problem sitting through dinner out, church, a music recital because they can adapt, even when it's not their favorite activity. My 3 1/2 year old still has some issues with keeping it together, but I know that at this point it's generally her obstinent personality that pushes her to try to "win" the battle, not necessarily her lack of being able to control something. I give her plenty of opportunities to "win" or make the choice when it doesn't matter too much. When the situation calls for adaptability, I make her responsible for her actions. Unless, of course, her behavior is ruining some other adults experience. Then I remove her and give her an appropriate consequence. Spoiling your kids doesn't set them up for success in life, it sets them up for a lot of disappointment. Plus, the behavior of a spoiled kid turns off other kids, so you're setting them up to constantly turn friends off to them. My kids, even the young ones look at me with a roll of the eye when they see a kid throw a fit. They are totally turned off by that kind of thing. Good luck, whichever route you choose!

My daughter's Montessori school has a peaceful place with a few gentle books and soothing activities, like a miniature Zen garden. This is place where kids can take themselves, or where they can go together if they need to work out a disagreement or other negative situation. I know that my daughter is very good about using this resource at school, but we haven't been successful about replicating it at home. I like the idea of trying it again by making it a place where my husband or I join her to help her regroup. Thanks for the post, and the comments!

This sounds like an interesting concept, and I would like to give it a try, however I still have a few concerns.
If time-in is welcoming, how is that a consequence? It sounds a bit indulgent. When our children grow up and are on their own in the real world, they will not have an inviting quiet room to go to in society, or at their job, if they break the rules. There will definitely be a negative consequence in the real world. How will they learn that there will be consequences in life to negative behaviors?
We like to take a time out first and then sit and discuss what occurred. Which is a consequence, followed by a "time-in" of sorts, I guess.
But I do think that if we as parents are spending enough time with our children, we almost always know what is causing their outburst or negative behavior. It shouldn't be a mystery. My kids may "stew" for a couple minutes in time out, but they always calm down and are never "resentful" afterward as the author suggests.