Parental Role Reversal – Just a Matter of Time

Melissa thank you for this post. I felt like I was the only one in the world going through this. In my situation we moved for my job and my husband found it difficult to find a new position. The situation was bittersweet. Although he loved being Mr. Mom he felt less of man (defined by society's notions of what a man is) for not providing for his family. It was tough on me because our daughter sought him out for comfort. I felt replaced. I suppose I felt a bit like the "man". Providing a paycheck, being gone all day, not being the primary consoler and snuggler, not to mention feeling guilty for uprooting my family for my career felt like a heavy burden that I couldn't share with him as he was going through his own struggle. However, we keep reminding ourselves how lucky we are (beautiful daughter, at least one income, new adventure with the move) and how grateful we are for what we do have and ultimately I think we are stronger for it.

I totally understand the difficulties that change brings. You all bring up really great solutions and reminders. I think if you ask anyone, their life is also not perfect. Wayne Dyer says "Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change". I try to remember this when faced with the many challenges in life. I redefine them not as challenges, but opportunities to grow. What we focus on can help us get through anything. I love to focus on gratitude. So many people have it so much worse and so I am grateful for what I do have, the experiences that help me to grow as a person, the opportunity to get creative and make something extraordinary out of this, how this can build our relationships, and how we can make this a beautiful picture. When thoughts of woe is me comes up, I can share it and then let it go and remember how lucky I really am to have such a great partner in life and as all things do--this too shall pass. How can I make delicious lemonade from these wonderful lemons? And breathe, breathe, breathe--breathe in gratitude--breathe out love. Faith, love, joy, are easy in the good times, so let these be the good times for before you know it they will be gone. When we enjoy every moment and not judge it but be in this moment and find that joy and gratitude instead of focusing on what doesn't work or what seems to be hard, your life will be rich and incredible. These are the good old days. Cherish every moment. And then tell yourself and your partner and your children what a great job we are all doing. How incredible we are to handle this life with such great love and joy. What will you be teaching your children by you being so centered and creating love out of nothing at all and joy from every moment. When you do have a meltdown and need a break, both of you can go do something fun or just you get away, get refreshed and then come back in gratitude for all you have. I just need to drive by tent city and I am back to remembering just how lucky I truly am. So what will it be lemonade or moldy lemons? Lemonade is a lot like life. Lemons are sour, but when we add some sugar, the two flavors are delicious. We are incredible human beings who are worthy to create anything in our lives we choose. Build a masterpiece--you can do it.

We've actually chosen to this division of labor in our household -- I'm the sole breadwinner, and husband is the primary caretaker -- because his Ph.D. in history couldn't get him a tenure track job, but my field of finance is (fortunately) relatively lucrative.

I would totally underscore Melissa's advice about letting your husband do things his own way. There are many ways to skin a cat, and if his way works, then we should all be glad. Also, I think this kind of role reversal is actually an opportunity to really appreciate what your spouse brings to the party. It's not easy being the only breadwinner, just as it's not easy being primary caretaker to three small children with no break during the day.

It's also good for dads to realize that they have so much to contribute in the house and to the kids, even if they are not bringing home a paycheck right now. Conversely, they have a chance to spend a lot of time with their kids -- how can you begrudge them that? Most dads never experience that.

My friend who is a therapist recently attended a mental health conference. She told me that the theme of the day was flexibility. People who are more flexible and adaptive will survive these big ups and down that life throws our way.

This is so incredibly true and couldn't have come at a better time. I CONSTANTLY am trying to remind myself that really - all will be okay. My DH lost his job July 1. We got the call that we were chosen to adopt July 23. He has been a 'Manny' ever since. I took 7 weeks off, not enough in my book, but again, I'm the one w/the income and benefits.

It amazes me how many couples are doing this now. It is so different. Just like the dads are adjusting, moms are too!

I have to remember we are in this together. We waited a LONG time and went through a lot to create this family.

Thank you for the reminders.

My husband and I have gone through many changes in roles throughout our 2 year marriage. Shortly after we met, his hours were cut: I became the major breadwinner. After the birth of our son I began a 2 year college tech program: he became the major breadwinner. He became unemployed for 9 months...so, we really had no breadwinner and were struggling with who should be held "most" accountable for financial responsibilities. Now, I'm getting ready to begin my new job, he's back at work (and thinking of going to school) and we find ourselves, yet again, drawing lines in the sand regarding how to say things to each other, when to say them and whether it's really worth saying in the first place. Life takes us all down some unpredictable paths, and it's how we deal with changing circumstances TOGETHER that keep our marriage strong and our child happy. Your article was written in a very helpful manner for those who are encountering these changes for possibly the 1st time, but most likely not the last!

I went through this with my husband & my twins who are now 4. My husband was laid off prior to the twins' birth, so his being home at the same I was very fortunate to be able to take off 6 months off work had us both home w/the twins for their 1st 6 months of life-it was wonderful-tiresome, but wonderful. But then it was back to work for me & him alone at home with two 6 month olds...Needless to say, I empathize with everything you have said in every way. It's hard to find balance when the mom in you wishes you were the one at home yet have to be the breadwinner. It is also hard when the woman in you doesn't have control over what is going on in the household yet still tries to do so to the dismay of your stay at home spouse. There was a lot of strain on our relationship at times, but I've truly learned & am still learning not to sweat the small stuff, as you so well explain. I've also learned that my husband has been more capable as a stay at home dad than I ever expected. I see the results of that in this relationship w/the twins today.

The twins have been in preschool now since they were 2 years 7 months, as my husband did finally find a good job that he is still w/today. And now, though I have to get to work very early, I also get off early to pick them up from preschool & get to spend the rest of the afternoon/evening with them which I treasure.

Things do & will get better, but there will always be bumps along the road. I apologize for such a long comment, but your story truly hit home for me. Thank you so much & the best to you & your family. God Bless!

I seem to know more and more women in this situation. It's really good advice about not bringing up the financial situation. I try to be careful not to make my husband feel bad about the role reversal. And I really needed to hear the stuff about letting him do it his way: I'm diligent feeding my family healthy food and he's not as disciplined as I am. I tend to get judgmental in this way when I know he's been giving them things I wouldn't. So thanks for that. I try to remember that my highly educated grandmother got fired from her social worker job right after she got married with the assumption she would soon be having children.

My husband was laid off three weeks before our first daughter was born. It didn't take much to figure out that he would be a stay at home dad. It took a while for both of us to get use to the idea. He is your typical man with the thought of being the breadwinner and in the beginning this was a big issue. Now with our second daughter, I'm having a harder time seeing him doing what he does while I have to go to the office every day. We make sure I see the girls as often as I can during the week on lunches and what not. I signed my 2.5 year old for a preschool class down the road from my office so I can pick her up on my lunch. This is great and makes me feel like I'm participating in her day. I still wish I was at the stay at home mom, but we make it work. One thing I do have to say is that I prefer my daughters being raised by one of us versus and getting a lot of one on one time.