My Kids Never Listen

Does this sound familiar? One of the most discussed topics on the playground, at lunch, or on parenting sites are children who just don’t listen. Well, uh, hmm, that is a VERY broad statement. Sure. Sometimes your children are just tediously blocking you out, but more often then not there is a reason for a child’s reluctance to comply with your demands or commands.

Check out the following scenarios to find out why your child may not be responding to you and learn strategies and ideas that fit in with your family.

REASON ONE: YOUR KIDS ARE BUSY

Though to you, your child is scribbling with crayons, stacking blocks, or listening to their ipod, to your child, these activities are much more meaningful. Those scribbles could represent something to your 3 year old, or your 7 year old may have been stacking those blocks for a half hour until they got it just right, or your child might just need some downtime with their music after 2 hours of studying for a midterm.

When adults blow into a room, tell their kids to drop what they are doing to accommodate the parents needs, that sends a strong message. I don’t respect you or what you are doing. My needs are the important ones. When children feel disrespected they use the greatest weapon that they have, “NO!” Once that battle begins the thing that you desperately needed done right away, well, that’s never getting done or at least no where near the “now” that you intended. It also begins the battles of wills which leave both parties unhappy and disconnected.

THE SOLUTION: GIVE TIME WARNINGS AND RESPECT YOUR CHILD’S ACTIVITIES.

Walk into your child’s situation with a semi flexible time line or choices (Unless of course it is an emergency. If someone needs a doctor run or needs to be picked up right away then all bets are off.)

For example approach your child in the following way. “Amy, I need to go to the market soon. I see that you are coloring/reading/watching a movie. Are you ready now or do you need 5 more minutes to find a place to pause or finish up?” Children who are not yet used to this approach may still give you a bit of a hard time, but within a few encounters your exchanges will improve remarkably.

In addition to giving choices on time, parents can offer a more portable toy choice for very young children to transition with or for older children parents, can ask if there is an errand that they would like to run while you are out.

These approaches show your child that you respect their time and activities. It also models respectful interactions, and modeling and is the best way to teach children appropriate and positive behaviors.

REASON TWO: THEY DONT WANT TO…

Sometimes your kids just do not want to do the things that you ask. They do not want to eat dinner. They do not want to clean up. They do not want to put their shoes on or do their homework. They are flexing their autonomy muscles and just saying “NO”.

Ok, now what? Screaming until you turn red is one choice. Throwing the shoes or homework across the room is another. Telling them that if they don’t do what you say they will never eat candy again, go outside ever, or get into college is yet another strategy.

Now, while all of the previous strategies are viable options, they are not really all that productive in teaching your child to respect someone’s words or needs.

THE SOLUTION: LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ACTIONS

Logical consequences are a part of our everyday lives. When we are late to work; we get reprimanded. When we procrastinate, we finish our work at night or on the weekend. Children and teens spend most of their time living in the moment. It is the job of the grown ups in their lives to teach them that their choices have consequences.

For example, if your child refuses to clean up the activity that they are presently engaged in, then they cannot move onto anther activity. Honestly. If they sit in the middle of 42 Legos for an hour and a half in protest it is not affecting you, is it? Not nearly as much as yelling and screaming until you can feel the veins in your head popping out does. Your child is the one missing the movie or family game time. What is important is to note that YOU are not punishing your child. Your child has the power to clean up and move on at any point. They are in control of their day and destiny.

Another example is homework. If your child does not want to do their homework they will get a “0” on the assignment or miss something at school to finish the work not yet done. Often a teacher’s discipline in these matters is more influential then a parents. Feel free to call the teacher and let them know that you are aware of the situation but would like your child to have a real world consequence for their actions. Your child is not going to miss out on going to Harvard because of one “0” on a 7th grade assignment.

Taking responsibility for one’s actions and logical consequences are some of the great teachers for the young and not so young.

REASON THREE: TIRED/HUNGRY/TIME OF DAY

There are many grown ups who are bears when tired or hungry but we, at least, can express, suppress, or remedy the problem. Is your child always fighting with you at 11:30? Does your child tune you out at 2 P.M.? The reasons for the non-listening may be fixed simply when the causes are discovered.

SOLUTION: SCOOTCH THE SCHEDULE

Maybe lunch needs to be earlier or your child might need a bigger mid morning snack. Perhaps a nap or quiet time is in order. Even older kids need down time. Writing down when unpleasant episodes happen is a good way to figure out the catalyst of the tuning out or defiance.

Often times children do not even know themselves why they are not feeling right, so asking them will not always help. That being said, no matter how hungry or tired someone is, they should not be given free reign to be argumentative and use words that are unkind. Explain to your child that we all feel grumpy or sad sometimes and there are many ways to express and cope with those feelings. They can use their words. They can draw a picture. They can find a quiet place to be. They can try to figure out the cause….

If you know that your child is hungry you can let them know that you will get them food as fast as you can, but speaking unkindly will NOT make the process move any quicker. No one deserves to be yelled at. Not even moms and dads.

So, now three major non-listening scenarios have been laid out with a few solutions. Feel free to use your own words or phrases that you feel more comfortable with. Remember that you are giving your children skills to last a lifetime. Listening, teamwork, and taking responsibility for one’s actions are important life skills that can only be learned with opportunity and practice.

Brandi Davis is a Sounding Board, Brainstorming and Roll Playing Partner, Child Development Resource and more. She helps facilitate the development of strategies and solutions so that parenting predicaments get resolved and the family can create the safe and loving home they envision for themselves. You can find out more about Brandi and Parent Coaching on her site