My Husband Drives Me Crazy

I’ve mentioned a time (or million ) how very thrifty I am. My darling husband, on the other hand, is not. To put it mildly.

Jeff just loves to ravish me with jewelry—each and every holiday is reason for him to present me with a little box proving the depths of his love for me. I’m sure most wives would just love to be at the receiving end of this. Unfortunately for him, the person he chose to marry does not. At all.

I am unable to recall a single little black box he has ever presented me with that I haven’t either returned or wanted to. Instead of appreciating the gesture, I calculate just what I would have purchased with the money instead. Visions of appliances, small and large, dance in my head. (I’m such a romantic.) It’s crappy of me, I know, and eventually he’ll just stop buying me things. In fact, that’s just what I’ve been trying to accomplish for the last thirteen years.

One Valentine’s Day he presented me with a gift box. My heart sank. We’d (I’d) decided that we were going not going to exchange gifts this year. There are tons of things we need and we were headed to Chattanooga for the weekend and that was our gift to each other. Or, at least it should have been.

“It’s a really funny story,” he said, as my pulse quickened. “I wasn’t going to get you anything, but there was a store that was going out of business. Everything was, like, 75% off. I know how you feel about a bargain so I just couldn’t resist. Trust me, they were a really good deal. A really good deal.”

I took a deep breath as I examined them. He was so proud of himself. So hopeful. And there they were; little locks dangling from hoops. All I could think about was the hot water heater we were in dire need of and the nice little dent these would have made towards it. These were the last thing I needed. So… they aren’t returnable, I assume? No, he responded. (Thud.) But they were on sale, right?!! They were a great deal!

Oh, Jeff. I adore you, but what on earth were you thinking? You get points for finding a bargain, but purchasing me something that can’t be returned? Don’t you know better by now? Next time, just buy me a blender. Or a new hot water heater. And should you ever attempt to purchase jewelry for me again, please, please, make sure they’re returnable.

I love you.

Jill Smokler blogs about motherhood—the good, the bad and the scary—at Scary Mommy. Her take on motherhood has appeared on CNN, Good Morning America, Huffington Post and a vast array of waiting-room type magazines. Her first book, -Confessions of a Scary Mommy-, comes out in April 2012.