Mother's Guilt: Carving Out Me Time
As a busy mother with a home business, I am often struck by a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.”
I believe this could apply to so many women. I know it applies to me at times. Nothing on earth is more important to me than being a mother. My children fill my heart with an overwhelming sense of love, joy, and pure happiness. They are truly my world. I still watch them while they are sleeping. I am thrilled when they give me unsolicited hugs and wet, sloppy kisses.
The boys and I spend long afternoons coloring, racing Matchbox cars, baking, going to the library, walking Irondequoit’s tree-lined streets, and cuddling on the sofa reading Frog and Toad books. I am up with them before the sun rises every morning and in the middle of the night when Ben screams that he cannot find Gertie, his well-worn stuffed giraffe. In the morning, one of them runs into the bathroom almost daily as I try to rinse out my shampoo just to say, “It’s an emergency! Ben took my car!” or “Nick called me a baby!” There is certainly never a dull moment at Chez Mott. Never.
When they are asleep or quietly playing independently, I do my work. In addition to being an at-home mom to two boys (4 and nearly 6), I own a bustling skin care business. (What was once a hobby for me turned into national recognition, as my handmade skin cream was recommended in Martha Stewart’s popular BODY + SOUL magazine in October.)
I answer emails during the day, get orders done late at night and into the wee hours of the morning. Then there is cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dog, spending time with my husband, fitting in exercise, groceries, etc… I don’t make nearly enough time for myself. I NEED to make time for myself.
Every ounce of energy I have is devoted- rightfully so- to my family, then to my business, and the day to day routine. The truth of the matter is I realize in my head that it is OK to take time for me. I get it. In my heart, though, I feel so guilty. Guilty for saying, “After I pack this box I will play Candy Land.” Guilty for saying that I am too tired to look for more hard to find objects in the I Spy book. Guilty for saying, “Let’s have Cheerios instead of homemade pancakes today.”
I could go on and on and on and deep down I beat myself up over it. It is not as if I can’t have time alone. My husband, Tom, knows I need a break at times. He tells me to go take a few hours on a Saturday to go to the mall. I always plan to, and then I feel guilty because that is our weekend family time. My brain says taking me time will be a good thing. I need to recharge.
At the end of December, Tom and I went to our favorite bed and breakfast for our anniversary, and we returned so relaxed and recharged. We needed that small break. Last May I went to see Sex and the City. Alone. I went at 9:30, sat in total quiet and enjoyed every moment of my interruption-free break. It was a looooong day and I just needed me time. It’s sad that that was over a year ago.
I think my biggest issue continues to be my effort to create a perfect balance. In my life I need family time, work time, hobby/reading/writing/creative time, and guilt free me time. Tom has his time with the neighborhood guys on Friday nights (they play poker together and share a couple beers). It is good for him.
Thinking back, I have been so busy lately that the last time I went out “just because” was shopping a couple months back. Even Nick tagged along with me while I tried on bathing suits for our recent vacation. If you have someone with you in a 2 X 4 fitting room at TJ Maxx, you surely aren’t getting alone time!
So my challenge is to commit to doing something I wrestle with every single day: taking time for myself. Without guilt. It is OK to be selfish. Taking time for myself is necessary. I deserve to have a quiet moment every now and then. I need to make time for myself, just as I do for everyone and everything else. Again, without guilt. I think that we, as women, are everything to everyone all the time and we just tell ourselves, “I’ll make time tomorrow.” Tomorrow may actually be months away… I accept that it may take time.
The first step, though, will be to let go of the guilt and accept that it’s OK to do this! Whether you work from home, commute to the office, or are a stay at home mom, it is critical to never lose sight of who you are. It’s on my to-do list, and from now on it’s a top priority.
Karley Ziegler Mott is the owner of KZM Facial Care Boutique and Editor of Chic & Green. She lives in Irondequoit, New York with her husband and two young children.