Photo by: Morgenlandfahrer

Mother's Guilt: Carving Out Me Time

Photo by: Morgenlandfahrer

As a busy mother with a home business, I am often struck by a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.”

I believe this could apply to so many women. I know it applies to me at times. Nothing on earth is more important to me than being a mother. My children fill my heart with an overwhelming sense of love, joy, and pure happiness. They are truly my world. I still watch them while they are sleeping. I am thrilled when they give me unsolicited hugs and wet, sloppy kisses.

The boys and I spend long afternoons coloring, racing Matchbox cars, baking, going to the library, walking Irondequoit’s tree-lined streets, and cuddling on the sofa reading Frog and Toad books. I am up with them before the sun rises every morning and in the middle of the night when Ben screams that he cannot find Gertie, his well-worn stuffed giraffe. In the morning, one of them runs into the bathroom almost daily as I try to rinse out my shampoo just to say, “It’s an emergency! Ben took my car!” or “Nick called me a baby!” There is certainly never a dull moment at Chez Mott. Never.

When they are asleep or quietly playing independently, I do my work. In addition to being an at-home mom to two boys (4 and nearly 6), I own a bustling skin care business. (What was once a hobby for me turned into national recognition, as my handmade skin cream was recommended in Martha Stewart’s popular BODY + SOUL magazine in October.)

I answer emails during the day, get orders done late at night and into the wee hours of the morning. Then there is cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dog, spending time with my husband, fitting in exercise, groceries, etc… I don’t make nearly enough time for myself. I NEED to make time for myself.

Every ounce of energy I have is devoted- rightfully so- to my family, then to my business, and the day to day routine. The truth of the matter is I realize in my head that it is OK to take time for me. I get it. In my heart, though, I feel so guilty. Guilty for saying, “After I pack this box I will play Candy Land.” Guilty for saying that I am too tired to look for more hard to find objects in the I Spy book. Guilty for saying, “Let’s have Cheerios instead of homemade pancakes today.”

I could go on and on and on and deep down I beat myself up over it. It is not as if I can’t have time alone. My husband, Tom, knows I need a break at times. He tells me to go take a few hours on a Saturday to go to the mall. I always plan to, and then I feel guilty because that is our weekend family time. My brain says taking me time will be a good thing. I need to recharge.

At the end of December, Tom and I went to our favorite bed and breakfast for our anniversary, and we returned so relaxed and recharged. We needed that small break. Last May I went to see Sex and the City. Alone. I went at 9:30, sat in total quiet and enjoyed every moment of my interruption-free break. It was a looooong day and I just needed me time. It’s sad that that was over a year ago.

I think my biggest issue continues to be my effort to create a perfect balance. In my life I need family time, work time, hobby/reading/writing/creative time, and guilt free me time. Tom has his time with the neighborhood guys on Friday nights (they play poker together and share a couple beers). It is good for him.

Thinking back, I have been so busy lately that the last time I went out “just because” was shopping a couple months back. Even Nick tagged along with me while I tried on bathing suits for our recent vacation. If you have someone with you in a 2 X 4 fitting room at TJ Maxx, you surely aren’t getting alone time!

So my challenge is to commit to doing something I wrestle with every single day: taking time for myself. Without guilt. It is OK to be selfish. Taking time for myself is necessary. I deserve to have a quiet moment every now and then. I need to make time for myself, just as I do for everyone and everything else. Again, without guilt. I think that we, as women, are everything to everyone all the time and we just tell ourselves, “I’ll make time tomorrow.” Tomorrow may actually be months away… I accept that it may take time.

The first step, though, will be to let go of the guilt and accept that it’s OK to do this! Whether you work from home, commute to the office, or are a stay at home mom, it is critical to never lose sight of who you are. It’s on my to-do list, and from now on it’s a top priority.

Karley Ziegler Mott is the owner of KZM Facial Care Boutique and Editor of Chic & Green. She lives in Irondequoit, New York with her husband and two young children.

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12 Comments

Karley... well written and sooooooo true for all Moms of young children. It will get easier and the day will come when you wish for the noise etc. that used to be!!Love you very much

I totally agree ... not enough mom's take a break and it's always a good thing. On top of being a mother and having a part time job, I'm also taking 9 credits at a local university so I'm super busy. There is a community service co-ed fraternity called Alpha Phi Omega and I am a brother of APO. This is my "me" time...

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Super-Mom is a MYTH!!!!

Yes, you do need to make time for yourself...this is great role modeling for your two sons, as you give yourself permission to take care of you. They're watching all the time. Announce that you need a "time-out" for whatever and chat about time and how everyone in your home needs some for themselves. You are so in touch with yourself, your roles and what your life is right now...keep your quest for conscious balance going!!!

This summer I had the privilege of meeting Suze Orman at the <a href="http://www.discoverytoyslink.com/billieelias&gt;Discovery Toys</a> convention. She admonished me, and many of the other women in the audience, about not putting ourselves first, taking care of our own well-being before children, spouse or aging parents...

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We so often avoid being self-centered because we have such a horror of being selfish, but they're not the same thing. One must have a center, a "self center", before one can be useful to anybody else. When you feel guilty, lovingly ask yourself why. Finding the reason can often resolve the guilt. We are always doing the best we can, given what we know and believe at that point. Being a mom doesn't have to be a job with no vacations...

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This article resonated with me on so many levels. I just started my own business, have two young children and have those same guilt feelings. Everyday I struggle with finding a balance. I so agree that we as women must not lose sight of who we are. Otherwise, 20 years from now I don't want to just remember the sacrifices. Remember the John Lennon quote Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.

The Anne Morrow Lindbergh quoted resonated with me because I remember how much I enjoyed "Gifts from the Sea," written during an island holiday which was completely solitary save for a few days' visit from her sister. Women should never feel guilty about designated time for themselves to "refill the pitcher." I know as an artist, this is an essential part of my work; it's also important for us all as human beings...

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Soooo true! I am a SAHM of four children, ages 7, 5, and twin 2yr olds...

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Thank you for the comments. Since I wrote this piece, I made a major life decision to close my business so I can spend more time with my kids and have "me time" without guilt. It's an exciting new chapter for me. Thanks for reading!

The hardest thing about being in business for yourself is you can always think about something else that needs to be done. Like being a mom.

For 29 years I have been a trainer and manager for a natural Healthy & Beauty Company which is now the leading company in Australia. I love what I do but had to learn to schedule out time for my peace of mind.

Put a sign on bathroom door once a week -DO NOT DISTURB - TAKE a long soak with an inspirational book, candlelight, for one hour...

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...great post! I think you spoke on every point many of us can relate to. We're such natural care takers that we often forget about ourselves. This was a very good read!

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