Mean Girls: How to Help Your Daughter with Bullying

Good advice. I'm a mother of a 14-year-old daughter. She has had to deal with mean girls. This is what I did: 1, had her to look at any behaviors she had that might have been legitimately annoying to the girls. She and I then worked on stopping those; 2, I helped her to understand how the mean girls themselves felt inadequate, so that's why they needed to put somebody else down to boost themselves up; 3, I reviewed with her the difference between a fact and an opinion, so she could see that some of the grils' comments were just their opinions; 4, I gave her an arconym, GWP (girls with problems), so whenever we were out and saw signs of bullying type behaviors in other girls, one of us would say GWP, and that way my daughter learned to oversee the situation instead of dealing with it from an emotional level. In essence, I empowered my child. These things worked for us. She's doing fantastic now and can identify and mentally dismiss the GWPs with the blink of an eye.

real problem is how society treats girls once they hit puberty, once they develop boobs, they are suddenly pressured to worry about clothes and shopping and how they look to other people, especially boys. the first time they defend their boobs against some grabby guy, they are punished for supposedly overreacting to his good natured fun, boys will be boys.. likewise, girls who dont buy into this,get harassed by the girls who do.how does this tie in with girls who bully ?? simple, its the girls who bully that are allowing and sometimes encouraging
these boys who cant keep their hands to themselves, problem is,its these same girls who push the boys to go after not them but someone else.preferabily the unpopular girls who wont put out, thereby taking the pressure off of them.what to do...simple the next time your daughter gets grabbed by a boy and breaks his nose, dont punish her and dont allow the school to punish her either, instead reward her for defending herself and the grabby boys and the girl bullies will leave her alone.
karin h.

i'm 34, but an experience i had at age 13 remains fresh in my mind and probably always will. i spent my entire childhood school years being the victim of bullies, which led to severe self esteem issues and dangerous behavior in my early twenties.

my saving grace was music, which in a few moments of devastation was the only thing that kept me from actually trying to kill myself in my early teens.

i'm writing this now to any women reading who may have had a similar experience, and who may have a little extra time, because I have a suggestion.

i started an organization 5 years ago that's become a great success. it's mission is to give rise to young women's self esteem through music. without going into specifics, i'd just like note the most compelling aspects of the organization, in case anyone out there might want to start something similar (by the way, these aspects can be attributed to an organization that uses any type of creative activity - it doesn't have to be music).

1. it provides a space for girls that is completely separate from their school environment
2. it enrolls young women from all walks of life, so is steeped in diversity of race, ethnicity, economic status, etc.
3. it provides positive, female, adult role models who form relationships with the girls, talk to them about their lives on a regular basis, and guide them towards positive choices
4. it provides complete safety for individualism and expression. with a 3 to 1 child to adult ratio, there is a no tolerance policy for negative words or actions in the space.
5. it gives constant encouragement to girls who are paralyzed by fear and anxiety, helping them to open up and express themselves.
6. it gives girls an opportunity to reach their potential - to see themselves in a new and more positive light - to give context to their school experiences in order to understand the inner workings of cliques and separate out their true, authentic selves.

All it takes is a space, a program (this can be sooo simple, for instance, a journaling club alone could provide an adequate safe, creative space), and some carefully chosen mentors (women who are creative, independent, and can use some basic tactics for empowering young women), and 6-12 girls (keep in mind the space is more difficult to manage when there are 15 or more girls).

Great article on Mean Girls, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for sharing.

My 18 year experienced so much of what you describe. As a Self Love Workshop Facilitator, she was my number one reason for sharing tools to keep her on her own path and work through the process of what adolescent teens, particularly mean girls, can do.

From our experience, I've seen that most parents of the mean girls take the, "it's just a right of passage" stand or "not my daughter".

Great tips and strategies. I'd love to post on my blog in the next few weeks. If interested, please email me at teri@theblissnetwork.com

I was helping to chaperone a 6th grade science field trip recently (one week away), and a girl in my cabin was being bullied by her former "best friend" who was in another cabin. First the former "friend" did something physical -- grabbing her by the neck and leaving red marks. This was punished by the teachers there. However, later there were looks, glares, talking about her with others behind her back, snide comments, etc. I and another chaperone spoke to their classroom teacher, who was also there on the trip. He brushed us off, saying they needed to learn "to deal with" this on their own. I disagree and would like some ideas about how to educate educators about girls bullying each other and how to stop it.

The hardest part is getting your daughter to UNDERSTAND that her "friend" is not her real friend because of the way she treats her. Girls don't want to lose their friends and they will be upset with a bully----hence they will suffer inside as not to lose face. Explaining to your daughter that it is not worth it to let someone aggravate her and she should move on----will help her self worth and being able to choose who she wants to be her REAL friends.
Of course, if the bully gets your daughter really upset, go to the school and file a complaint with the principal.

My daughter plays hockey. When she was on an all boys team (she was the only girl), girls at school criticized her and for some reason couldn't understand why a girl wanted to play hockey. From excellent advice from a good friend, I researched all girls hockey teams.

My daugher is in her second year of being on an all girls hockey team (started in AA and now in AAA) and has acquired many good friends. This has helped her to be strong and confident in a sport she loves and in school. Knowing that she can be feminine and still play hockey.

So my point is...being supportive of our daughters, instilling good values, letting them know it is okay to be passionate about a sport and that some people are afraid of females doing something that males have been doing for YEARS!

We can't change others opinions. But we can be there for our daughters (and sons) letting them know it is okay to "get out of the box".

GOD BLESS AMERICA that we have the freedom for us to voice our opinions and have many wonderful opportunities!

Wish I had read this when my daughter was in middle school! Your comment about the importance of listening to your daughter and not blaming her for being bullied is an important one.Our daughter tried to handle an ongoing bullying situation herself because she had been told by a teacher she 'needed to have a thicker skin'. In other words, it was her fault for being a victim. Meanwhile the girls who were bullying her escalated from nasty comments and rumors to physical attacks.Our daughter realized she couldn't handle it and confided in us, but didn't want us to bring the problem to the school's attention because she thought it would make the problem worse. And it did. Until other parents complained and the bullies' parents were forced to acknowledge the problem, our daughter went through hell.In the end, as we had promised her, holding her head up and refusing to let others make her think less of herself made her resilient and kept her strong.We are very proud of her, but still angry at the school's administration for not addressing the problem until it wasn't 'just one girl'.

Though boys may shoulder ridicule and rumors meant to discredit them, it usually places them in higher esteemed positions because of the awe that other males sense as necessary to survival. Therefore, it is sometimes more favorable for boys to suffer that kind of attention - though the sensitive ones who don't understand that often suffer if they don't.

Fortunately girls for most of us, girls take the step beyond and begin to realize that female bullying is alot like training toddlers on the potty; it takes considerable experience to make it automatic enough to dismiss as normal. Girls not used to it agonize over the results until they decide not to. And most do - recognizing that persons who feel compelled to use such tactics to gain superiority are not typically of a quality that merits attention or consideration.

Ultimately, then, in theory, boys and girls reach the same plateau from bullies, and exorcise themselves from the effects, usually the wiser. But one wonders why humans are so stupid to begin with that they must demolish others for sport, entertainment and cohesion.

My daughter was victimized by mean girls from age 9 through the remainder of her high school years. It's true that this behavior of mean girls can send the victim into a downward spiral of depression and damaged self esteem. One of the best things that we did to address it was to enroll her in modeling school where they emphasized learning self-confidence. We also got her involved in new social circles through athletic or recreational activities. This way she was given a chance to excel at the activity and make new friends.

I guess I see it differently. In my experience, the girls who are "the mean girls" one day are the victims the next. Public schools are dog-eat-dog and only the mean survive. It should NOT be that way. It's a horrible problem. The mean kids and, what? the nice kids, alike all struggle with low self-esteem. All preteens and teens need healthy strategies for gaining self confidence. Those strategies include having families who love, support, and encourage them and spend time with them, activities where they can build skills, healthy relationships w/other kids and adults (preferably outside the school setting), and a supportive church or faith-based community, to name a few. Parenting teens is a daily if not hourly struggle and placing blame on mean kids isn't getting us anywhere. Mean kids turn into mean adults and then you have to work with them, or have them as your boss. We have to teach our kids how to deal w/it and build up their self confidence. All easier said than done, I know. I'm struggling w/my teen girl now who is one day a mean girl and the next a victim.

After homeschooling our 8 children for over 18 yrs. due to medical issues we enrolled our 5 younger kids in private k-8 and high school. Our 12dd is the one who is now back home. with a very small group of girls,9 in the 6th grade, 2 girls were awful feeding off each other, and bringing a few boys into the mess. I was glad she came to us after the first 2 mths. trying her skills to handle the bulling but it not getting better. When on parent tried to hold her daughter who was the worst, accountable, her ex's response was "They just need to work it out, they're girls after all how bad can it be?" The mom was doing what she could but without the support of the father she was up against a wall herself. Our daughter asked to come back home, I'm getting better, and she's very self motivated. I'm trying to figure out a way to encourage the other mom and thus hopefully another girls will not be a victim of her daughter. FYI I heard her conversation with her daugher more than once and she did mean business. It's tough for her to take away privilages etc. then have the father give them back. I'm still learning....

So, my daughter aged 9 is experiencing this very thing right now with a friends of ours daughter. They are both in the same class and they seem to have this non-verbalized competition with each other. My daughter's had to put up with the other girls manipulation. The other gal has been trying to take my daughters friends away by saying mean things about my daughter. I was so hurt when I went to visit her at school for a Valentine's day lunch when the other girl made it clear she didnt want my daughter near her by putting her legs out and saving a spot for the other girl that they are constantly competing over. As we ate lunch, I heard the "mean girl" say something about my daughters cloths and I looked over. There were 3 of them at this point and then they saw me and then began to whisper amongst each other. I looked over again and said "I hope you girls are being nice over there"!
Thank goodness my dear daughter didn't hear, but I think she knew they were up to their meanness again. I whispered into my daughters ear and said, "you deserved much better friends than that"! And I left it at that. I saw the sadness in my daughters eyes and it broke my heart! That night I tried to encourage the idea of having real friends and her best friend had a sleepover at our house.
She has been keeping an open communication with me about this situation for a while.

I have basically told her:
*You don't have put up with it.

*Find friends that don't make you feel that way.

*Treat others the way you want to be treated, and if you're being disrespected then move on!

*Don't ever let anyone physically hurt you!!

*I explained that all friendships have rough times when you don't agree, but there's a difference to being mean and just not getting along and that "real friends" know how to apologize when they've hurt someone they care about!

**Mommy has been through this same thing too and still have dealt with it in my current social circle! (YES, even as an adult the women can act this way)

I just want to prepare her for the Middle School and HS years. I only pray she will learn from this and know when to walk away from friends or girls like this in the future!!