Photo by: Tom Burndred

Is My Child an Outcast?

by "An Anonymous Mom"
Photo by: Tom Burndred

This has been a tough fourth grade year for my Emma. She was so excited at the beginning of the year to be in class with her BFF. They had never been in class together before and had always wanted to. Their wish came true.

I, on the other hand, was apprehensive. This “BFF” that she has been friends with since she was two years old has always treated Emma poorly. She is more aggressive and bossy toward her, tends to not be fully truthful when faced with something she’s done to be hurtful and is hot and cold on whether she’s “in the mood” to include Emma in her games. To me, this is not what a best friend is all about.

The beginning of the year started out ok, but then slowly things started to change. A few mean statements, a few moments of exclusion… then Emma’s BFF was transported to the top of the cool girl hierarchy and Emma was painfully alone at the bottom. Now all the kids treat her that way.

The dynamics of the class are tough. There are only 8 girls and as I mentioned in a previous post, they are ALL very good at sports. They all love fashion and music. They make fun of anything they consider “babyish” like High School Musical or Hannah Montana. They watch what you wear and how often. They watch what you eat and make sure that if it’s something different or weird that the whole table knows about it. They fight among themselves frequently and treat one another poorly.

Emma doesn’t fit in with that group at all. Her BFF has done everything possible this year TO fit in, even if it means stepping on Emma in the process. Now the group of girls has formulated some sort of pact to not let Emma join them in any activity. First it was gym class. There is an even number of girls so when they have to partner up she always ends up with someone, but if they have to go in groups of three – that’s when no one will let her in. Then it was in class when they had to form groups to read a play aloud. No one would let her join their group and actually had to be forced by the teacher to let her in. Then yesterday it was in music. They were playing a game and the music teacher announced groups of four. So Emma went to the group of girls with three that included her BFF and was told she couldn’t join them by the “leader” of all the mean girls. Emma ended up in tears and the teacher did nothing to correct the mean girl behavior, instead she put Emma in an already formed group of four. She said to Emma at the end of class she was sorry, she knew how girls could be to each other.

It’s hard to believe in third grade Emma was given the award by their teacher as “Most Confidence.” Third grade had different girl drama. That year she had a friend in class with her that was very possessive and over-bearing. She wouldn’t let Emma play with other kids without a fight. She did everything possible to stand next to her in line and sit next to her at lunch. She also did things to tease her relentlessly, like hide her pencils, move her chair to the other side of the room, take her apple from her lunchbox and play catch with it… in other words it drove Emma crazy and we were so glad to be out of that dynamic.

But I think I would prefer possessiveness to exclusion any day. At least with possessiveness the problem is that you are liked “too much” instead of not liked at all.

Emma has no problem making friends. In fact she has a ton of girlfriends and has sleepovers and playdates every weekend. I keep reminding her that she has friends who treat her right, who care about her and who will always be there for her. It’s just that these friends are not in her class this year.

What can I do to help her through this? I sent a note to the teacher yesterday and informed her of all the recent episodes. I asked if she has noticed anything and also if she sees any reason that Emma is treated this way. I told her that we are just going to try our best to make it through the next two weeks without anymore tears and that next year she really needs to be in a class with a better dynamic. I named the worst perpetrators so that the teacher could make sure that she was not in class with them again. At this point I don’t care who her teacher is. All I care about is who is hopefully NOT in class with her. This includes the BFF who has not stuck up for her or tried in anyway shape or form to include her. In fact it was her who initially wouldn’t let her join in gym class back in December. Maybe I’m being harsh, but I really feel she is at the root of the problem. She established her dominance over her by letting the other kids see that even the BFF could exclude her and treat her poorly. The rest of the class is following her example.

Then when no one’s watching the BFF invites Emma for a sleepover.

Two weeks of school left…

An Anonymous Mom maintains a candid, uncensored, on-line journal of a typical middle class mom. She has two daughters, a part time professional job, a hard working husband and she volunteers a ton. According to her, “We are over-scheduled and under-financed… Like I said…typical!”

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194 Comments

We have had an issue also with this.First it was a "friend " at dance and it involved alot of whispering and exclusion . One of our teachers noticed this and nipped in the bud in her class but the other teacher was so oblivious because she is friends with the other girls mom and ofcourse it was my daughters fault she was getting picked on . As a Girl Scout leader we showed the movie CHRISSA by American Girl and we also read a book called The Secret Bully...

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Pull her from the school. Seriously. Unless the school is willing to try out a program like No Bully or Safe School Ambassadors (the best I have witnessed). Training bystanders to take a stand is most effective in ending bullying situations, so don't make your daughter feel like the bullying is her fault because she doesn't "stand up for herself"--this sort of bullying is only prevented by a collective effort that involves both bystanders and bullies and eventually victims as well...

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So I know this is mostly adults but I just graduated high school and I know how kids are trust me, high school was not a very fun four years for me. Kids can be so nasty and just know the right words to make you feel so little and small. When I was your daughters age I went through the same thing and even changed schools and it happened again...

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Well, coming from experience, fourth grade does tend to be the age that kids start having more opinions and views on what they feel are acceptable differences and do form groups/cliques. Typically, if she isn't able to stand up for herself, the teasing will continue from year to year. However, it is possible that if she can attend a different school, with a larger population, there might be more opportunities to make a variety of friends that are less likely to outcast her...

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You got some great suggestions from Marie, Teryl and Patricia! I know it's a tough situation as a Mom. I've been through it myself in middle school as a student. I understand teachers are not God. They can't see everything outside the school yard...... during recess and/or lunch time. Kids nowadays can bully with attitude and with words where they're sitting away from the view of an authoritative figure. It's a life long learning experience...

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This is defintiely a difficult situatin especially since all ofthe girls in the class have excluded her. My first thought when the EX BFF invites her ver for a slumberparty she needs to have plans with another friend or something planned much more fun then spending time with her. As for at school the teacher's need to calling these girls out in front of the class as being disrepectful/mean and how their behavior will not be tolerated...

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I wonder what the attitude of the BFF's parents is. Do they know this is going on? If they knew, would they care? It might be worth a talk with them. It may not help, but it wouldn't hurt.

As for the teachers, they're not supposed to put up with this. Inquire about what anti-bullying programs the school has, because this is the girl form of bullying. Most schools at least say that they have a zero tolerance policy towards bullying nowadays...

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You HAVE to read the book "Odd Girl Out".

There are few things you can do to help her, and it's outlined well in this book.

The parents will rarely do anything to correct their children. And it will often make things worse.

This is bullying however. And as we've seen in the news can have some devastating results. Personally, I would be talking with teachers and administration, and I would be using strong language like Bullying. Identify the leader. The other girls are just followers...

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Two books:
"Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World" by Rosalind Wiseman

and

"Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child's Life" by Rosalind Wiseman and Elizabeth Rapoport

very good books on how to deal with these issues.

Good luck.

Emma needs to hear how special she is. My youngest is 15 now and he did not always fit in either. Emma IS different and be proud that she is. If being mean and untruthful are what it takes to be popular, reassure Emma she doesn't 'fit in' beccause she is far to intelligent and good of heart to belong to that kind of group. It is important to get her to vocalize how she feels and share some of your own stories of hurtful times...

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This kid of behavior just drives be crazy! They re way too youg for this sort BS. Regardless of how little time is left of the school year the teacher should do her best to squelch this. As someone else said,it coul also be the teacer not wantig step up & be the bad guy but that's part of her job. Those girls' parents should also be aware of the bullying behavior...

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In my opinion, one approach that hasn't been discussed is talking to the parents of the mean girl club. In 4th grade, there's a really GOOD possiblity they have no idea that their daughters are behaving this way. If they are not told, they cannot do anything to correct the problem. Out of these 7 mean girls, there is a chance that at least 1 or 2 sets of parents won't care but I can't believe that ALL of them see this behavior as acceptable...

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Wow, this couldn't be more timely for me. I have a daughter who will be six in a couple of months. Her BFF is her BFF only because they have known each other since they were about three...

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Wow I felt like I was reading my own words. My daughter just went through this in kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! I had put her in a private school because we do not live in the best of towns which put her in an entire grade with only 8 girls. I had no worries as my daughter has always been outgoing and had friends since playgroup and dance lessons when she was 2. This year started out fine but eventually she wound up being one of the two girls that was always left out...

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I really hope this will pass quickly for Emma. Kids have it rough right now but it sounds like you have a lot of this under control. I don't know if you've ever spoken to her BFF or even the parents of this little girl. Some times that can make things worse I know but at the same time it may have an effect to the bully and open their eyes to how they are being. I defintly believe that she should stand up for herself. Make them feel like it doesn't care...

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