Photo by: Tom Burndred

Is My Child an Outcast?

by "An Anonymous Mom"
Photo by: Tom Burndred

This has been a tough fourth grade year for my Emma. She was so excited at the beginning of the year to be in class with her BFF. They had never been in class together before and had always wanted to. Their wish came true.

I, on the other hand, was apprehensive. This “BFF” that she has been friends with since she was two years old has always treated Emma poorly. She is more aggressive and bossy toward her, tends to not be fully truthful when faced with something she’s done to be hurtful and is hot and cold on whether she’s “in the mood” to include Emma in her games. To me, this is not what a best friend is all about.

The beginning of the year started out ok, but then slowly things started to change. A few mean statements, a few moments of exclusion… then Emma’s BFF was transported to the top of the cool girl hierarchy and Emma was painfully alone at the bottom. Now all the kids treat her that way.

The dynamics of the class are tough. There are only 8 girls and as I mentioned in a previous post, they are ALL very good at sports. They all love fashion and music. They make fun of anything they consider “babyish” like High School Musical or Hannah Montana. They watch what you wear and how often. They watch what you eat and make sure that if it’s something different or weird that the whole table knows about it. They fight among themselves frequently and treat one another poorly.

Emma doesn’t fit in with that group at all. Her BFF has done everything possible this year TO fit in, even if it means stepping on Emma in the process. Now the group of girls has formulated some sort of pact to not let Emma join them in any activity. First it was gym class. There is an even number of girls so when they have to partner up she always ends up with someone, but if they have to go in groups of three – that’s when no one will let her in. Then it was in class when they had to form groups to read a play aloud. No one would let her join their group and actually had to be forced by the teacher to let her in. Then yesterday it was in music. They were playing a game and the music teacher announced groups of four. So Emma went to the group of girls with three that included her BFF and was told she couldn’t join them by the “leader” of all the mean girls. Emma ended up in tears and the teacher did nothing to correct the mean girl behavior, instead she put Emma in an already formed group of four. She said to Emma at the end of class she was sorry, she knew how girls could be to each other.

It’s hard to believe in third grade Emma was given the award by their teacher as “Most Confidence.” Third grade had different girl drama. That year she had a friend in class with her that was very possessive and over-bearing. She wouldn’t let Emma play with other kids without a fight. She did everything possible to stand next to her in line and sit next to her at lunch. She also did things to tease her relentlessly, like hide her pencils, move her chair to the other side of the room, take her apple from her lunchbox and play catch with it… in other words it drove Emma crazy and we were so glad to be out of that dynamic.

But I think I would prefer possessiveness to exclusion any day. At least with possessiveness the problem is that you are liked “too much” instead of not liked at all.

Emma has no problem making friends. In fact she has a ton of girlfriends and has sleepovers and playdates every weekend. I keep reminding her that she has friends who treat her right, who care about her and who will always be there for her. It’s just that these friends are not in her class this year.

What can I do to help her through this? I sent a note to the teacher yesterday and informed her of all the recent episodes. I asked if she has noticed anything and also if she sees any reason that Emma is treated this way. I told her that we are just going to try our best to make it through the next two weeks without anymore tears and that next year she really needs to be in a class with a better dynamic. I named the worst perpetrators so that the teacher could make sure that she was not in class with them again. At this point I don’t care who her teacher is. All I care about is who is hopefully NOT in class with her. This includes the BFF who has not stuck up for her or tried in anyway shape or form to include her. In fact it was her who initially wouldn’t let her join in gym class back in December. Maybe I’m being harsh, but I really feel she is at the root of the problem. She established her dominance over her by letting the other kids see that even the BFF could exclude her and treat her poorly. The rest of the class is following her example.

Then when no one’s watching the BFF invites Emma for a sleepover.

Two weeks of school left…

An Anonymous Mom maintains a candid, uncensored, on-line journal of a typical middle class mom. She has two daughters, a part time professional job, a hard working husband and she volunteers a ton. According to her, “We are over-scheduled and under-financed… Like I said…typical!”

Like This Article

Like Mamapedia

Learn From Moms Like You

Get answers, tips, deals, and amazing advice from other Moms.

194 Comments

This is bullying. Do not allow it to go any further. Contact the girls mother and have a talk with her and the two girls together. Maybe the BFF really doesn't want to be her friend and if that's the case, its okay. Your daughter will need to find other friends. Also, you need to make the Principal, the Vice Principal and the counselors aware of this. Do NOT leave this to the teacher to handle. School administration must deal with this and you need to force the issue...

See entire comment

I can certainly relate to Emma and her situation but even at this stage the best thing to do is step out of the picure. Be supportive of your daughter when she needs you but do not get involved in your child's petty issues at school. If you do.. the reprecussions will come back to haunt your daughter 100 times fold. Of course if it comes to physically bullying then of course step in and have a word with the principal/teacher that is unacceptable...

See entire comment

She needs your help here, in my opinion. It's fine to say stand up for yourself, but this is a child, a young child at that, and if she could, I'm sure she would. Make an appt with the principal, even if it's over the summer, and tell her what's happening and that you want these children separated for next year. Don't ask. Say it's essential to your daughter's well being. If the principal is hesitant I would threaten to take the issues being ignored to the school board...

See entire comment

I hope that if next year's placement is not more positive that you will speak to the principal about having her moved to a different class. You cannot control her relationships, but you can help to control her environment. I think the principal would be on board with doing what is best for a child's emotional well-being. Good luck.

We've all heard the stories of what could happen to people who are being bullied. (suiside) Some of these children don't have the personality, skills or wit to defend themselves. Yes, we do need to instill in them that they have that right to defend themselves. If it were my child I would have had her change classes as the beginning of the year when I first recongnized the problem. And I did when this was happening to my son. Now he is a dignified adult of 24...

See entire comment

What your daughter and you are going through is very sad. My daughter will be entering 4th grade and I'd hate to think this kind of behavior is what she'd have to face. I agree with others that you should talk to the teacher and the principal - it is bullying and should be addressed school-wide and in all grades.

On another note, I'd like to say that I already see some of the behavior you mention in the BFF's treatment of your daughter coming from my younger daughter...

See entire comment

All of my children (girls eight years apart) have had similar experiences. My oldest found a group of kids to hang with and was always good at making friends but when she was little had some issues with that. This year both my eighth grader and first grader had to deal with the mean girls. The eighth grader actually had them taunt her, ignore her, etc. It hurt her self esteem and she found other outlets - new friends, sports, etc...

See entire comment

I can hear the pain in your words as you write them. As moms we take it personally when our children are treated this way. We feel it would hurt less if someone actually punched us! One of our boys had a BFF since 1st grade and then in 4th grade the "BFF" started to treat him a little badly. But our son hung in there even though we tried to explain that real BFF's dont treat their friends that way. As it turned out, the other boy was having all kinds of anxiety issues that no one knew about...

See entire comment

My son was in grade 3 this year and started a new school when we moved. He is also in the before/after school program at the school. His first week he made the mistake of asking a child if he was in 1st grade. Turns out it was a 3rd grader in another class at the school who really took exception to the perceived insult at his size.

This child then included all of his buddies to make fun of my son,not let him sit with them, called him names, etc...

See entire comment

I feel so sorry for Emma as i was bullied something terrible at school and in my day no one took any notice and just told you to stop telling tales and get on with it, which was very hard to do, i even spent 4 hours getting home from school one day and i only live 5 mins away as the bullies wouldnt let me go home...

See entire comment

Read the books by Rachel Simmons and Rosalind Wiseman regarding girl bullying. They are really invaluable. I have four daughters and my 12 year old went through the same things as your daughter - except for her it happened in 3rd grade and again in 6th. The books really give you some insight into the girl hierarchy and cliques and give you advice on how to help your daughter navigate them regardless of what part of the clique she is in.

My 9 year old son has been dealing with this in our neighborhood. It has been a long 2 years until I talked to one of the "nicer" kids moms about how this was making my son feel. LUCKILY! she responded well and her son has been being nice to and including my son which has helped change the dynamics. My daughter who is 4 is already seeing and experiencing the same types of things in her class. I'm not sure what parents are thinking these days and why they allow such behavior...

See entire comment

Hello Emma's Mom. May I first congratulate you on being concerned about your daughter and not accepting the other girls behavior as a "growing phase". In addition to the other great advice you have been provided on working with Emma to boost her self-confidence and self-esteem I would advise you to study the law in your state. Several states have passed "bullying" laws to protect children against some of the behaviors that you have described...

See entire comment

part of the problem is that children with low self esteem continue to gravitate toward the offensive kids.
I would get a lawyer to enumerate your dis-satisfactions with the situation and put the teacher on notice you're considering getting the legal system involved if the teacher continues to sidestep finding a solution.
I would visit the principal and comment, there's every probability the school administration is unaware of the problem or your dissatisfaction...

See entire comment

I view one of my roles as helping my daughter navigate these tough situations as a child and teaching her how to manage through them. We all face bullies in some form or other, even as adults. The suggestions made to sit with Emma, talk with her respectfully, take her places and show her the world will help her see her school day in perspective. Visiting with the teachers and, if necessary, the principal is also important...

See entire comment

Leave a Comment

Required
Required (will not be published)
Required (to prove you're human)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on topic and not abusive
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us
Want to become a contributor?
Want to become a contributor?

If you'd like to contribute to the Wisdom of Moms on Mamapedia, please sign up here to learn more: Sign Up

Recent Voices Posts

See all