Photo by: Tom Burndred

Is My Child an Outcast?

by "An Anonymous Mom"
Photo by: Tom Burndred

This has been a tough fourth grade year for my Emma. She was so excited at the beginning of the year to be in class with her BFF. They had never been in class together before and had always wanted to. Their wish came true.

I, on the other hand, was apprehensive. This “BFF” that she has been friends with since she was two years old has always treated Emma poorly. She is more aggressive and bossy toward her, tends to not be fully truthful when faced with something she’s done to be hurtful and is hot and cold on whether she’s “in the mood” to include Emma in her games. To me, this is not what a best friend is all about.

The beginning of the year started out ok, but then slowly things started to change. A few mean statements, a few moments of exclusion… then Emma’s BFF was transported to the top of the cool girl hierarchy and Emma was painfully alone at the bottom. Now all the kids treat her that way.

The dynamics of the class are tough. There are only 8 girls and as I mentioned in a previous post, they are ALL very good at sports. They all love fashion and music. They make fun of anything they consider “babyish” like High School Musical or Hannah Montana. They watch what you wear and how often. They watch what you eat and make sure that if it’s something different or weird that the whole table knows about it. They fight among themselves frequently and treat one another poorly.

Emma doesn’t fit in with that group at all. Her BFF has done everything possible this year TO fit in, even if it means stepping on Emma in the process. Now the group of girls has formulated some sort of pact to not let Emma join them in any activity. First it was gym class. There is an even number of girls so when they have to partner up she always ends up with someone, but if they have to go in groups of three – that’s when no one will let her in. Then it was in class when they had to form groups to read a play aloud. No one would let her join their group and actually had to be forced by the teacher to let her in. Then yesterday it was in music. They were playing a game and the music teacher announced groups of four. So Emma went to the group of girls with three that included her BFF and was told she couldn’t join them by the “leader” of all the mean girls. Emma ended up in tears and the teacher did nothing to correct the mean girl behavior, instead she put Emma in an already formed group of four. She said to Emma at the end of class she was sorry, she knew how girls could be to each other.

It’s hard to believe in third grade Emma was given the award by their teacher as “Most Confidence.” Third grade had different girl drama. That year she had a friend in class with her that was very possessive and over-bearing. She wouldn’t let Emma play with other kids without a fight. She did everything possible to stand next to her in line and sit next to her at lunch. She also did things to tease her relentlessly, like hide her pencils, move her chair to the other side of the room, take her apple from her lunchbox and play catch with it… in other words it drove Emma crazy and we were so glad to be out of that dynamic.

But I think I would prefer possessiveness to exclusion any day. At least with possessiveness the problem is that you are liked “too much” instead of not liked at all.

Emma has no problem making friends. In fact she has a ton of girlfriends and has sleepovers and playdates every weekend. I keep reminding her that she has friends who treat her right, who care about her and who will always be there for her. It’s just that these friends are not in her class this year.

What can I do to help her through this? I sent a note to the teacher yesterday and informed her of all the recent episodes. I asked if she has noticed anything and also if she sees any reason that Emma is treated this way. I told her that we are just going to try our best to make it through the next two weeks without anymore tears and that next year she really needs to be in a class with a better dynamic. I named the worst perpetrators so that the teacher could make sure that she was not in class with them again. At this point I don’t care who her teacher is. All I care about is who is hopefully NOT in class with her. This includes the BFF who has not stuck up for her or tried in anyway shape or form to include her. In fact it was her who initially wouldn’t let her join in gym class back in December. Maybe I’m being harsh, but I really feel she is at the root of the problem. She established her dominance over her by letting the other kids see that even the BFF could exclude her and treat her poorly. The rest of the class is following her example.

Then when no one’s watching the BFF invites Emma for a sleepover.

Two weeks of school left…

An Anonymous Mom maintains a candid, uncensored, on-line journal of a typical middle class mom. She has two daughters, a part time professional job, a hard working husband and she volunteers a ton. According to her, “We are over-scheduled and under-financed… Like I said…typical!”

Like This Article

Like Mamapedia

Learn From Moms Like You

Get answers, tips, deals, and amazing advice from other Moms.

194 Comments

I agree with Teryl. Make sure she feels loved and secure at home. I went through BFF drama and I remember my mom asking me if I was all right. I'm a big believer of the power of prayer as well and I would pray with my daughter about the situation and pray for all the girls.

It is NOT a teacher's responsibility to make those girls accept or like your daughter. No teacher can make a child like another child. Furthermore, this is one side of a story. We don't know how Emma acts in school around these girls. While I do feel for Emma, these comments throwing the blame on the teacher really make me angry, especially when they're misspelled and grammatically atrocious...

See entire comment

Its great to tell kids to stick up for themselves - but honestly, they do not know HOW. What you CAN do is begin an anti-bullying project in the school or in your community. (This is what I did!)

Check out the Dont Laugh at me project (projectrespect.org) - it has an entire curriculum available. Bring it to the school, insist they establish an anti-bullying curricula - and if they don't, do it yourself...

See entire comment

Both of my children went through the same thing. We moved into our new home and the family next door had a son and daughter that were the same ages as my son and daughter. At first things went pretty good, then the daughter started telling Brittney that she had to dress the same as her or if she didnt do as she was told that she would not be with the "IN" group...

See entire comment

Hi. I agree with alot of the other comments. My daughter is going into 8th grade this year. My daughter has never had to deal with this issue but my daughter has always been raised to be very self confident in herself and her abilities as a person. She has also be raised to believe that it doesn't matter what other people this as long as you believe in yourself. That has done very well for her...

See entire comment

Ironic to get this e-mail as I spend a couple of days at my family's house watching my two nieces exclude my daughter and be rude to her with no help from one of the parents. Very sad considering this IS my family. My seven year old is quite and reserved and tends to have a couple of medical issues but is normal. I brought those same girls (ages 7 and 8) to my house to visit and it continued. I was hoping it would end and am not sure how to teach her what the right response is...

See entire comment

My heart goes out to you and Emma. When I was in elementary school, I was smart and respectful and mercilessly bullied by mean girls. I chose to be friends with the boys and mainly hung out with them. At the end of 8th grade, I chose the high school that had the fewest students from my elementary school and was able to find friends and find my niche. By the time I got to college, I had found my own friends, but never have really gotten over the scars of the experience...

See entire comment

Wow. I really wish I had some useful advice, but all I can say is that you are not alone. We have all been there...my daughter is only 4 and is already experiencing "exclusion" where a few girls won't let her "sit on the rug" with them. She's in preschool! You are your daughter's only advocate and I strongly encourage you to not be afraid to take action. It's not easy to stand up to bullies...

See entire comment

My daughter had a friend that would do this. Her BFF would tell her that she had all the wrong friends because they didn't dress the right way or weren't the right size or were just plain weird. This angered me. This child has NO right to tell me daughter who she could and could not be friends with. She tried very hard to make my daughter the outcast with other girls, but it didn't work...

See entire comment

Get a copy of the book "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons and keep it on your nightstand. It will be your best friend for the next 10 yrs :)

Patricia, the counselor, is absolutely right that this is bullying. Girls bully emotionally & mentally, rarely physically. Your daughter may be very confident & well adjusted in most situations, but even the most confident of children (and adults for that matter) need at least one person they feel will stand up for them. Anti-bullying programs around the world teach children how to stand up for others who are being bullied...

See entire comment

My mom in law is all upset because my youngest daughter who just turned ten invited all boys to her birthday party. She has Asperger's and though she is very high functioning, she has a some social issues.
She is also a bit of a tomboy. The group of boys that she hangs with are great and they look out for her. Where as the girls shoved her in a bathroom stall and called her names and other mean things. If it wasn't for the guys she would have been completely miserable...

See entire comment

American Girl has a good book on friendship(I think it's call Friends)that you can read together. Wow, teaching moments all over the place here. I have an almost 8 year old and I am so vigilant about observing her behavior and all the kids in her class as much as I can because I like all the rest of you, have no tolerance for unkindness and this mean girl persona...

See entire comment

I'm sorry that this is happening, but it is typical of a trditional classroom environment. I home school my son. This type of group dynamic is one of the main reasons that I do so. In an attempt to fit in, my son can be a Pooper all on his own and does not need additional support for such behavior. I will continue to put forth to him the fact that being a Jerk is exactly that. You are one or not no matter what the reason or who you are trying to impress.

Oh, boy. My daughter had this same situation in the seventh grade. First of all, contact the principal. He/she probably holds the power to place her in a class for next year. You have covered all your bases-asking whether Emma was doing something that brought this behavior on herself. Ask the principal why this bullying is being allowed to happen...most schools/districts have a written policy about non-tolerance of bullying...

See entire comment

Leave a Comment

Required
Required (will not be published)
Required (to prove you're human)
Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on topic and not abusive
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us
Want to become a contributor?
Want to become a contributor?

If you'd like to contribute to the Wisdom of Moms on Mamapedia, please sign up here to learn more: Sign Up

Recent Voices Posts

See all