In Search of Defining Moments

“Mom, I’m going to this,” my 16-year-old daughter, Malloree, announced as she slipped a pink invitation into my hand.

She reached to hug the person who proudly presented it to her, one of the leaders of her small group at church. I barely had time to check out the date or what type of event it was before we moved along with a crowd to exit the auditorium.

But it did not really matter, because through the years of raising three teenagers, I had learned to recognize this as a defining moment.

Defining moments matter.

Defining moments confirm or change your course of action. Defining moments prove that what you are doing as a parent is working well, or perhaps just the opposite. Defining moments do not come easily, yet sometimes they arrive without warning. Defining moments are too important to overlook, so as a parent, you must learn to recognize them.

Defining moments are usually marked with one, simple statement uttered by your child. “I want to try out for the school play.” “My grades are dropping at school.” “This group of neighborhood kids is giving me trouble.” “I want to quit the basketball team.” “Dad, I had a tiny accident, but I’m okay.” “Mom, Paul asked me to go to the Prom!”

Defining moments should freeze you in your tracks; screeching the rest of life to a momentary halt so you can fully evaluate what your child just said. But more importantly, so you can determine what they are not saying. What unexpressed emotions lie behind those simple words? In that one statement, your child is speaking volumes as to what is truly going on in his or her life.

You have to pause before you respond; pause long enough to find out when your son or daughter first started feeling that way or noticed the problem. Pause long enough to find out what happened to cause the accident or what kind of trouble the neighborhood kids are causing.

Grades may be dropping because school is boring and he needs a greater challenge, or simply because she cannot see the chalkboard. Pause long enough to listen and prove to them that at that moment, nothing is more important than what they have to say.

Quitting the basketball team may not be the end of the world, if your son’s interest in other sports or activities has grown and they feel overcommitted or trapped by that one sport. Your daughter may be shyly announcing that she has her first boyfriend, and is not sure how to tell you about it.

Defining moments should be treasured and respected, whether they are positive or negative. Defining moments may provide just the comfort and reassurance you need as a parent to know that your child is progressing; overcoming challenges and making a difference.

That is exactly what Malloree’s unexpected statement told me on that Sunday morning. “I’m going to this” meant that she was feeling accepted in her new town, and was no longer holding herself back. Accepting an invitation to an overnight get together was a big step toward creating memories, and hopefully toward embracing this new chapter in her life.

One day, she too will recognize this as a defining moment. But until then, I am going to pause, reflect, and be thankful.

Janet is the author of the book, The Parent’s Guide to Uncluttering Your Home, to be released in December, 2010 through Atlantic Publishing. A wife and mother of three, she currently writes and speaks on such topics as faith, family, writing, and of course, clutter. For additional information, visit her website at http://janetmorrisgrimes.com.