How To Deal With School Bullies When Your Child is the Victim

My daughter was the victim of bullying when in middle and high school. She seemed to think that she needed to deal with it herself and so it was by accident that we found out. She was changing clothes one evening and I happened to walk by as she turned around and there was a huge bruise in the middle of her chest between her breasts. Found out about 6 boys were on a daily basis (at break time) surrounding her on the play ground holding her and taking turns punching her in the chest. I guess so no one would see the bruise. The terrible thing was these were mostly children I had in 3rd grade. They had been students that I worked diligently with helping them where they were having problems. I nurtured and advocated for them so I could not and still cannot understand why they did what they did. However, not only was this going on for awhile girls that she had been friends with since 1st grade seemed to take a walk on the wild side, my daughter didn't want to and said as much to her dad and I, but she tried to fit in by doing some things she regrets. It didn't help because these girls did some pretty cruel things to her (ran away from her when they all were in the woods, she fell and hurt herself pretty badly, but they left her, one girl sneaked into the locker room after school and while my daughter's back was turned jumped on her and began beating her - ha my daughter won that match, but was emotionally and mentally beaten). My husband kept saying ignore and I kept thinking "no way". It has worked out in the end she is a wonderful teacher and coach (mom and wife) now and when she sees or suspects ANY bullying from her students to takes action immediately. She is probably stronger for it, sadly so. She is determined to make sure her children don't bully but do not become victims either, she will teach them to fight back by being upfront with issues, advocating against bullies, and making the school system bluntly aware of these issues. Another sad thing is even some of the adults who should protect are just as involved in the way they respond to the problem. More education, more training is definetly needed in the schools, more and stronger consequences for those who take part in such an evil process.

Another way to document the conversations is e-mail. Let's say the teacher of your child and the bully say to you''' oh, if Janice were only more assertive, this would not be a problem- you need to work on that'' - you go home - and e-mail the teacher at school and say ''' I understood you to say -------- I am concerned that you are not considering what the bully's parents could do - nor do you seem to be considering what you as teacher might do - will you please consider these questions and set a date so that you and I can sit down within the next 10 days to discuss them?''''--- then - if the teacher does not respond --- you can e-mail him or her again and say ''' I was disappointed that you did not respond in a timely fashion'''' --- you see what is happeneing - ??? you are createing paper proof that the school is not responding - and that becomes very powerful when taken to administrators - to show that you- the parent are being responsive, sensible, and that the teacher - ( or the prinicpal) is stonewalling.

I was bullied on a limited basis, a few time during my childhood (we moved a lot) but I had a big brother who would step in on my behalf when necessary. Which I find ironic, considering HE was always picking on me himself. =)

A larger problem was my son being bullied. I became suspicious when my child who loved school, suddenly hated it. I believe singling the bullies out, often makes matters worse. It did in the my son's case. Also, creating a paper trail (which I did) to use after the fact is cold comfort when your child is sent off to school in tears everyday.

I believe that schools must adopt a no bullying and/or respect policy school wide. My husband was in the navy so I have experienced many different school systems and the ones that had emphasized respect and didn't tolerate disrespect in any form - verbal or physical, towards faculty or peers - had fewer issues with this problem. It was addressed school wide, so no child was called out as "a tattle tale" and peers were encouraged to step in for someone being bullied, either by standing up to the bully or telling an adult. In one elementary school teachers nominated children for what they called RESPECT awards each month. There was a small reward for receiving this award and a larger one for the students who received it every month for the entire school year. It created an environment that allowed children who were not being bullied to step in on behalf of someone who was without fear of being a target themselves. If all schools would do this, I believe bullying would be a minor problem in our schools. I believe children who witness bullying, but are not involved, want to help - but feel helpless. If they are given a support system, they will do what's right and the bully becomes powerless.

Ideally, parents would teach their children respect themselves, but we all know that doesn't always happen. In my experience, when they fail to do so, they are unwilling to acknowledge any responsibility their child may have, much less do anything about it. Schools must intervene. But starting in high school or middle school won't work. It has to start in kindergarten or even preschool so that children grow up in a respectful culture.

I used to work for a wonderful program, the Child Assault Prevention (CAP) Project, in the Denver area. We provided prevention education to schools around the issues of bully assault, stranger abduction and sexual assault by a known person. Bullying is a problem that many children deal with. It's a hard issue because a lot of the time, adults around these children don't see that it's happening, or they take the "it's a right of passage that all kids go through" attitude. One of the best things we can do for our kids is to take things seriously when something is bothering them, and ALWAYS keep the line of communication open for them to talk to us about ANYTHING! We also need to work with our children: role-play with them about unsafe situations to help them come up with a dialogue or actions they can use. The main thing is to act assertively (ie. using eye contact and saying something like "I don't like how you're treating me and you need to stop!"), not aggressively (putting down the bully, physically hurting them) or passively (crying in front of the bully, looking down). Also, talk to them about who they can get help from if needed - a teacher, principal, bus driver, or even a friend. There is strength in numbers and children should be sticking up for each other!!! The adults in the school should be working together also to form a safe environment that has zero tolerance for bullying! There are some wonderful programs that can be brought into the school. www.ncap.org is a great resource!!!

My teenage son has had all of the symptoms listed above at different times. None of them lasted a long time, I really assumed it was a teenage thing. He just graduated from 8th grade from a K-8 school, The graduating class was very small, 28 students, and this group was very tight knit and my son loved all the social activities the school did with them. His teachers told me he was a very popular student and was one of the tallest boys in the class. I know for a fact he was not be bullied, I was at the school quite often, socialized with parents of other students and have had great relationships with many of my sons friends. I think assuming your child is being bullied by this article, it could be deceiving.

These are some great suggestions! My son was bullied in 8th grade; when I offered to help, he didn't want me to do anything -- in fact he was very upset that I was going to contact the school. I debated whether or not to do anything, but in the end, I realized that if it had gotten to the point where I was aware of it and he was SO scared, that it was necessary for me to do something! Don't let your child feel like thye have to handle it by themselves (even if they want to), because they don't yet have the skills to "do what's right". (without resorting to violence or having to suffer loss of confidence or having emotional problems)

My son was bullied. I worked with the parents, who I had a lot of respect for, but were trying to deal with this little boy as much as they could, as he had issues, of which some were biological. (Still can't figure out why they would let a kid who has aggression issues play video games and watch violent movies.) I'd taken it to the teacher, the parents and the principal. Nothing really worked with them, but I don't think they tried to do enough (OK, they didn't). The principal had the advice to let them work it out (if they don't know how, or the bully continues, how do they work it out?), plus he even used the "boys will be boys" line, which I don't tolerate when parents try that stuff. Boys will be boys, but being a bully shoudn't be part of a boy, just as assault isn't part of being a man.) I even brought the district into it, asking that a representative meet with me. They did, but at a meeting that included the teacher and the principal, but without the parents of the other kid, all they did was suggest ineffective tactics and circled the wagons. I felt the meeting was more for THEIR protection and documentation in case I took it higher. When a water bottle was thrown at my son's back, with the child later putting his hands around my son's neck and squeezing, with the later death threat, I demanded something be done, with stronger words and in writing. I asked the principal, "I understand Special Needs are involved on both sides, but having a Special Need does NOT entitle a kid to bully and threaten. Whether this kid plans to make good on his threat, the result is the same: it i damaging to my son, and the threat COULD be carried out. The emotional damage is almost the worst thing. Nothing has worked. I know the parents have been involved, but the result is the same. What are you going to do to ensure MY son's safety? I think that hit home. This child missed a day, although I don't know if it was due to this or not. But the principal started looking more into bullying and assigned the Vice Principal as a go-to person for my son, advised the recess monitors to watch them outside and talked to this kid. The teacher came up with the idea that if a child feels bullied or has other issues like that, they can write it on a piece of paper and put it in the teacher's box. These tactics worked. This past year, the teacher was wonderful. She understood the issue; she and her kids had endured bullying. She made sure my son wouldn't be the victim. In fact, when another kid tried it, she took him aside because she knew him, and talked to him about it, saying some kids were bothering my son and he needed some protection from someone who knew a lot about it. She asked him if he would deal with that bullying. He agreed and did become one of the people who stood up for my son. Brilliant. The original kid? He approached my son outside one day (I'd told my son to walk the other way if this kid approached him until my son started standing up for himself.), my son gave him a chance and this kid apologized for his past behavior and that he was young and didn't know better. That he learned more how to behave and was on new meds. They aren't good friends, but they are now friendly. I have a lot of respect for how this kid approached my son. The situation is not perfect. The bus is a "snake pit" as an official said, and I told my son I'd drive him if he wanted me to. We'll be on top of it once again this year. Hope this helps somebody.

My son was bullied in junior high. He is high functioning autistic and really lacked social skills and couldn't read body language. He was physically and verbally assaulted by a smaller but very aggressive child also in special education. Finally my son one day told me about what the other child had done (which included a sexual and religious slur) including being dumped in a trash can. I contacted the vice principal (who handled disciplinary issues) and the local rep for the school district who was the coordinator between the school district and our local religious institutions. End result, the student was EXPELLED. This was his THIRD assault in the same year. Even if he was a racial minority and had learning issues, he was guilty of religious, racial, and sexual assaults. He had no place in public schools. Yell loud enough and you can get action done.

My son was bullied in 4-7th grades and finally said he wouldn't go back to that school. So I found a private school and sent him there. He joined the wrestling team and learned how to wrestle. The coach said it took four weeks for him to make contact with an opponent, but after that he was a pretty good wrestler. Then he said he wanted to go back to 9th grade at the local high school. The bullying continued and at the end of his freshman year some kids were taunting him and one hit him over the head with his backpack. My son got up and wrestled this kid to the ground and after that he was accepted. When I told him later that the wrestling had made him better he confessed that he had been bullied into joining the team at the private school because they didn't have enough students to qualify for intramurals. Ya never know what's going to turn things around.