Goop! A Warning Regarding the Goop I Would Encounter Once I had Kids

I have a complaint.

I have read dozens of parenting books, blogs and mags. I attended the parenting prep course at the hospital. I even took an early childhood development course or two while obtaining my teaching credential (imagine that.)

At no time did I receive even a glimpse of a warning regarding the goop I would encounter once I had kids.

Yeah, yeah. Somehow I ended up with a nose syringe along the way. But, without instructions, explanations or demonstrations, mind you.

There was never information on how to de-goop, de-clog or de-goober. No tips on dried versus wet goop. No discussion regarding the resistance you would encounter while attempting to clean this goop. No advice regarding the difficulty in keeping the goop in authorized areas. But, my main complaint is the avoidance of the mention of the goop transfer.

A typical child has 8 colds a year. Goober transfer is a big deal. Without proper guidance, things can get outta hand. What starts with one goopy, little nose quickly leads to a goobery back of the sleeve, goobery cheeks, and goobery hair. And, once the fingers are goobered…Well, that’s one goobery, slippery slope.

The living room goober transfer quickly proceeds. The back of the couch usually is the first to fall victim, followed by the arm of the couch and other low, unsuspecting, carpety, secrety places… I’m sure you’re getting the picture.

Worse yet, you can’t even escape the gooberiness yourself. Yes, you become part of the goober transfer. As you attempt to wrangle the goobers, you become a big part of the goober problem. Consider the goober baton passed, so to speak, as you become a working cog in the goober wheel, transferring goobers to all kinds of unsuspecting up high, un-carperty areas. You are, thereby, completing the goober transfer.

Shivering in your boots? Fear not. This can work in your favor.

Hubby: “Babe, can ya pass me the remote?”

Me: “Here, honey.”

Hubby: “What’s this? EEEWW!!”

Me: Vengeful giggle. (or is that the goobers I hear giggling?) Don’t judge me. Hard to keep your sanity with all these goobers.

For years, Michele peered over her teacher’s glasses at those Stay at Home Mommies and wondered about their elusive world. What do they do all day? Where do they go? Do they travel together in flocks? Well, she finally met her prince (at a slightly panicky 32) and turned in her chalkboard. Watch her as she infiltrates their ranks…