Do as I Say, Not as I Do

This weekend, I had the opportunity to visit the Academy of Sciences in San Francisco. (I highly recommend it, if you are ever in the area.) As I was walking up the ramp that circled the perimeter of the rainforest exhibit, a 9-year-old boy excitedly raced past. The truth is, I was so taken by the free-flying butterflies landing on visitors heads, that I didn’t even notice the boy at first. Then, I heard a woman’s voice behind me calling out to her husband a few feet ahead of me. Clearly, these were the boys parents, as she insisted to her husband that her son owed me an apology for racing by.

Again, I had not even noticed the boy until this moment. Standing between his parents, he looked down at the floor in shame. His mother continued to insist that he owed an apology and I believe he managed a whispered version. I replied that there was certainly no need and that I, too, was very excited about the exhibit.

Obviously, this mother had only the best intentions to teach her child proper etiquette. She was trying to teach him to be considerate of others and to acknowledge when his actions may affect those around him. She was trying to teach him to do the right thing. However, in making this attempt, she overlooked the impact she herself was having on her own son.

The expression on this boys face was one of shame. I do not know whether he understood specifically what behavior she thought was unacceptable. (I, myself, do not know.) But I do know that he felt embarrassed and ashamed in front of a total stranger. Moreover, he felt this way at the hands of his parents.

Ralph Waldo Emerson says “What you do speaks so loud, that I cannot hear what you say”. In this case, Mom tried to teach her son to be considerate of others, but she did it in a way that was not considerate of him. If we want compassionate, respectful kids, we must treat our kids with compassion and respect. Modeling behavior is the most effective way to teach our kids and, as a byproduct, treating them the way we want them to act only serves to strengthen our relationships with them.

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive disciple and effective communication. Sign up for a free newsletter.