Courage - Thoughts for parents and kids

Most people who are out there writing and talking about living your life forget to mention the quality of courage. Courage is critical in so many ways. It takes courage to try new ways and take new directions. It takes courage to speak up and go against the grain. e.e. cummings said “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”

When people see you in a certain way and define you in a certain way and then you decide you don’t want to go along with that definition you can pretty well count on getting flack. People get used to “good old you.” When there are patterns of behavior that people are doing that almost everyone is just going along with and you decide not to go along there will be trouble. When everybody is trashing a teacher or a boss and you disagree, count on getting heat.

It’s important that parents encourage kids to speak up even if it’s against them. Obviously how they do it is important. As the old saying goes you can disagree without being disagreeable. If someone is seen as “always agreeable,” “never makes waves,” “always likes to get along,” they probably lack some courage. The key words there are always and never. If you always go along and never disagree something is wrong. I’m not encouraging disagreement just for the sake of it. I am encouraging noticing little ways where you can practice making a point, challenging an assumption, taking an unpopular position.

In the whole issue of bullying, one key element involves kids who stand by and let it happen. This is also an adult issue. People who refuse to stand up against inappropriate and maybe illegal behavior are abetting it. If kids aren’t encouraged to practice courage, the odds are they won’t have much of it when they need it as a young person or when they get older. Peer pressure is always used as a reason for kids getting into trouble. Peer pressure is meaningless to someone who, first believes in himself or herself (a topic we will explore later), and second has the courage to walk away or do whatever is appropriate for the situation.

As mentioned above, how to disagree or stand up against a position or a person is almost as critical as standing up. If kids don’t practice the process of courage they will probably be inappropriate if and when they do exhibit the courage. Being sarcastic or rude – yelling, swearing, intimidating are techniques exhibited by people who either don’t know any better or who have had success doing them.

Parents, it’s extremely important that you don’t confuse disagreement in and of itself with inappropriateness. In fact you can use moments of disagreement as a teaching moment. You can help your kids learn how to stand up and you can reinforce the idea that disagreeing is not evil. I have consulted with companies who equate an employee who disagrees with a troublemaker. That is not an automatic tie in.

Courage is also critical in striking out into the world. You hear all the time about the importance of having dreams. It takes courage to have dreams – to really have them and not just say the words. To go after a dream involves risk. You might not get it. Kids have to experience some let downs from time to time. We grow from our failures. Courage is like a muscle. You have to use it. Courage is not needed if there is no risk involved. If I know the outcome ahead of time why do I need courage? If I’ve suffered a loss and need to get up and try again then I truly need to be courageous.

It’s important to have stories available about people who exhibited different types of courage. It’s important that kids realize that courage isn’t always about physical courage. The more examples they see of people exhibiting courage and the more often they practice it as a young person, even for little things, the better off they will be when they really need it.

Dr. Scott Sheperd has a BA in Music, an MA in Mass Communication and a Masters and PhD in Counseling. He has had six books published and has worked for over 30 years with people in difficult situations. He has spoken to over a hundred thousand people across the country.