Chatting with the Mothers of Reinvention

We recently had a chance to talk to Jennifer Pate and Barbara Machen, hosts of the web show Jen & Barb, Mom Life and authors of the new book The Mothers of Reinvention: Reclaim Your Identity, Unleash Your Potential, Love Your Life. Our phone conversation started with apologies about being in transit to pick up kids and distractions in the background. That quickly segued into sharing funny stories about life as a work-from-home mother.

Mamapedia: Whenever I work from home and am on the phone one of my children inevitably announces something like, “Mom!! I just pooped!”

Barb: Every professional person we talk to is a mom and has the same work set-up we do. I did marketing before and I never told anyone I worked from home. Flash forward nine years later and there is a whole new movement going on.

Mamapedia: How old are your kids?

Jen: I have an 8-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son.

Barb: Twins that are 9.

Mamapedia: Tell me about your web show “Jen and Barb, Mom Life.” You’ve had celebrity chefs, actors, and authors as guests. It’s a really fun and diverse line-up.

Barb: We are coming into our fourth season and we have produced and hosted over 92 episodes! It’s really been fun. It has made both of us better parents and wives.

Mamapedia: How did the idea for the book come about?

Jen: It was very organic. We met in a Mommy and Me class when our kids were not yet one and two. I thought I went to Mommy and Me for my kids—I guess it was for myself! I had a company as a casting director and became a stay-at-home mom. Barb had a marketing company. We both wanted to know, “Who is talking to our generation of women?” In addition to being proud of our show and winning a Webby for best hosts, we want women to not feel like they are alone.

Barb: Over the course of Jen and I doing the show the number one question we got was, “How did you guys do that?” It was, “How did you reinvent yourself at 40 years old and in the face of being wives and mothers? I want to do that but I don’t know how to do that.” We kept getting that question over and over again. We started really taking it to heart; started thinking about it. We discovered there is this whole movement of moms who are reinventing themselves and living on their own terms. The common denominator? They all kind of go through the same process. So we outline those steps in the book.

Jen: There are a lot of humor books out there—which we love—the “I’d trade my husband for a nanny” kind of books. Or the angry people bitching about their situations. We thought, “Wait, let’s stop complaining and come up with some solutions here.” I’m guessing most of the women who had kids wanted to have kids. Most of the women who got married wanted to get married. So why are they complaining? No one is defining our generation of mothers and their needs.

Mamapedia: What advice can you give Mamapedia moms who want to reinvent themselves?

Barb: Really take some time to hone your passion. Really take some time to explore your passion. And if you’re not happy with something, stuff doesn’t need to change overnight. Don’t ignore it. It’s okay to let go of the guilt and take some time for yourself. The more happy you are as a woman the better mom and wife you’ll be. You often put yourself at the bottom of the list. Put yourself to the top and don’t feel guilty about it!

Jen: When Barb talks about honing your passion—have something that you’re passionate about outside of your role as a mom and wife. It doesn’t mean you’re not passionate about your child and husband. We come into motherhood a lot more fully developed than mothers of the past. We are giving ourselves to our husbands, children, careers. But it’s a big pie. You need a slice for yourself! We are fortunate. For me, my reinvention came in the form of a job. In today’s economy a lot of people have to work. That’s fine. Do what you have to do. If you like to, paint. Even if you find an hour a week, find a slice for yourself. Your kids won’t stop fighting, and life won’t all of a sudden be perfect. But if you have a piece of the pie yourself, the whole experience will be better.

Mamapedia: One of the sections of your book is called “Reinvent with your Family.” Tell me about that.

Barb: Look at your family as an asset, not something that is holding you back. This family is not hindering me. How do I make them an asset to helping me get where I want to be?

Jen: I took off five years from working and became the president of the PTA and I dove in. When I started working and wasn’t at school all the time, my daughter said, “I like it more when you are at school.” And I said, “I’m happier when I’m working and I’m helping to provide for the family. When you grow up you can do whatever it is you want to do.” Sometimes they may not understand that you need a reinvention. Seeing you happy as an adult is good for them—even if Monday night is Mommy’s zumba night. The younger your kids are they may not understand. Seeing how happy you are will mean a lot to them. And getting your husband involved is important.

Barb: Jen and I have had very different journeys. My husband and I have always been a two-income family. It’s never been an option for me to not work. So I went to him with a plan. “Look, if we do this this and this we can make this happen. I want one year to make this happen. I understand my responsibilities, but I want to try this.” I came with a well thought-out plan and presented it in a way that wasn’t going to be too much of an inconvenience for the family. I made it as fun and positive as possible and everything Jen and I talked about [i.e. starting the web show] came to fruition.

Mamapedia: Tell me about the women in the book who you profiled—women who have successfully reinvented themselves.

Jen: Each one came to us in different forms, guests from the show, people we knew, women who told us about other women. Our village has grown so far because of the internet. Each of these women came to us through our village. One woman in the book is my sister-in-law. Others are women who have made changes. At some point in your life there is going to be a shift and you are going to have to really listen to yourself.

Mamapedia: And these stories seem to be a good way for women to relate to each other.

Barb: Yes. Our whole show is based on conversations. We don’t want expert advice from these people—even if they are celebrities. We want to have a conversation. Sharing what works for them and what doesn’t work for them. The show is about how becoming a mom changes you as a woman instead of “Did I do my diapers right?” It’s more of the emotional. We needed other women’s stories to make that happen.

Jen: Think about when you talk to your girlfriends. If you don’t share information the conversation is dead. That’s why we put ourselves out there too. We’re not experts. We’re two moms going through this and trying to figure things out. We’re only experts in our own homes. Together we realized look what we’ve done to our lives. We’ve restructured them now—with kids. We didn’t want women to have as hard a time as we did.

Barb: You could go out and buy the best business book. Our book is not about business. A lot of families both parents need to work. A lot of books won’t tell you how you have to navigate the waters with your family. Jen and I have a real advantage to say look those books are really great, but I have to do a school pick up. My kids are sick today. It’s easy for an expert to say do this this and this. You can watch an expert who will say do these three things and you’ll have a great sex life. Really?! I got spit up on today, and got 3 hours of sleep, and I don’t want to be touched. Real advice is much more valuable.

Mamapedia: How hard is it to reinvent yourself?

Jen: You need discipline like you do with anything else. No short cuts. It’s like losing weight. It’s not hard to reinvent yourself if you really say, “I want to be happy and I want more passion in my life.” But without the discipline and desire it’s not going to happen. If you have the discipline and the passion you will succeed.”

Barb: I agree with the discipline and the passion to do it, and at the end of the book our husbands share how we’ve changed. It takes baby steps to get going. I attribute my marriage being saved to my reinvention. I don’t know if I’d still be married if I didn’t reinvent myself. We want a happy home life—there’s a lot of confusion these days about what our roles should be—for husbands too. I think this book offers a lot of clarity to reinvention.

Mamapedia: So you have the web show and the book. What’s next for you two?

Jen: I’ve got pick up at 3 o’clock!

Barb: I think what’s next is more self-exploration. We’ve got new shows coming out. Sharing new information. Growing our community. Continuing to help women not feel alone.

Jen and Barb’s book The Mothers of Reinvention: Reclaim Your Identity, Unleash Your Potential, Love Your Life came out on January 3rd.

Kristen McClusky is the mother of two young girls and the Director of Creative Services at Mamasource.