Boiling Over
Nobody’s perfect. That’s a mantra we’ve all been taught from the first time we swung a bat and missed the ball or tried to spell “conscience.” Nobody’s perfect. No mother is perfect, either. Age may bring wisdom but patience is something that one must practice. Patience is something I perpetually have issues with. And I will confess that one situation that stands out quite clearly is, unfortunately, not unusual. In order to understand this disastrous breakdown, one must understand the child with which it happened.
Evan. Oh, my Evan… To describe him is to describe the weather: always changing, always moving. Sometimes fantastic, sometimes destructive. Rarely does he move through a room without knocking someone or something over. Never quiet, he is a human tornado, picking up and dropping off with little warning or reason. How can you blame the weather for being what it is? How can you fault the rain for falling or the wind for blowing? Nor can I blame Evan for being the zesty sparkler that he is.
However, all of this “zest” and “weather” from a 6 year old boy can wear a Mama down. He simply cannot be contained nor can I rationalize with him. Truly, the phrase “in one ear and out another” is giving him more credit than I think is possible as it rarely goes IN the first ear to begin with! You can surely imagine how I feel at the close of the day. You can surely understand the frustration I feel as we try to accomplish basic tasks such as bath time.
After washing Corinne first, I turned to Evan and began to sudse his head up.
Mom – “Evan, hold still. EVan, HOLD still, I can’t get the soap lathered!”
Evan – bouncing around and splashing his sister…
Mom – “EVAN. I said STOP and I am getting really ticked off!! Cool it!! EvvvAAANN! EVAN!!”
(Continues on for a few more minutes. You get the picture.)
Evan – still bouncing around, splashing his sister (whose cries are echoing off of the walls), sticking his butt up in the air and singing some crazy song…
(Here’s where it gets ugly)
Mom – at the top of my lungs, in my ugliest, scariest, cruelest impersonation of “Mommie Dearest” “EVAN!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BEHAVE?!? WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY? DO YOU ENJOY IT? CAN’T YOU SEE HOW FURIOUS I AM?! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!”
Evan’s face… Sigh. I can barely describe it. The shame I feel over the fear I saw in his eyes… The fury I felt inside, boiling and bubbling over, I cannot justify. He’s SIX. Yes, he is wild. Yes, he was misbehaving. Yes, I had had a long day. But I can NOT excuse my behavior. I am the supposed “adult” here, and was acting not only like a child, but like a spoiled, bully-child.
I DID apologize, but only with the follow-up of “..I was wrong, BUT, you did blah blah blah…” Not a true apology. Not a good enough reason to frighten him to weeping and cowering in the tub. My baby boy. My whirling dervish that brings just as much joy and love as chaos and destruction…
Sadly, I get pushed to and over the brink more than I’d like to admit, even to myself. I’m a work in progress, trying to morph into a better mom. A better woman. A better ME.
I guess that’s all any of us can attempt…
Tracey writes at Just Another Mommy Blog in between homeschooling and parenting her three whirling dervishes.
