10 Trends from 2014 I Didn't Jump On

Most of 2014’s trends were fitness trends, which means this post was originally titled “150 Trends from 2014 I Didn’t Jump On”. Instead, I capped it at 10, because the internet likes that. And in the interest of a fair and balanced review, I kept my exercise hating tendency in check. So, here are the Trends from 2014 that left me, meh.

1.) PALEO: While I love a good piece of butcher quality meat, no one is ever going to take my gluten away. I want all the glutens. Forever and ever, amen. The meat craze can go get crazy with someone else because I’m over here with a bowl of saltines dolloped with red raspberry jelly on my lap. All smiles and starch-comforted, how else is there to live?

2.) CROSSFIT: If CrossFit is the only way to be fit, then call me NoFit. No Interested too. I’ll keep the reasons to myself, for three seconds. And then I’ll tell you. I’ve had three children. Any sudden bursts of movement and it’s not pretty — not pretty looking and especially not pretty sounding. I also prefer to keep my bowel movements private and not witnessed in a warehouse.

3.) UBER: No, thank you. My safety is A-#1 priority in my life. I’m not calling a person I don’t know (another way of saying _’stranger’_) to come get me and take me somewhere while they control the wheel. Why? Because not everyone shares the same morals and values, that’s why. Ain’t gonna happen. No place is that important to get to. Two strangers in a car, one who is at command central while I’m in the back. Guess who holds all the cards? Hint: the one holding them is the one who’s all in on this trend.

4.) DROP-CROTCH HAREM PANTS: I don’t need a special cut pant to be trendy, my middle-aged butt already makes all my pants drop-crotch.

5.) PINK CAMOUFLAGE: I’m tough. But not really. I’m tough. But not really. I can’t handle all that back and forth in my head. You are, or you aren’t. I am, but not really… *and not only that, but you’re not invisible, you know, not even in a pinkish way.

6.) THE WORD “BAE”: This one wasn’t my choice. I like the way it sounds, but my kids beat me to the punch and made it clear I was to never use it. No matter if they were present or not. As it should be, my bae… er, my children.

7.) ELLO: Usually (RE: always) I take awhile in starting anything new as it is. If it’s something online, it could be weeks before I twist my arm and tell myself to get back into the 21st century. So, after Ello was splashed all over my Facebook feed with Jump Facebook’s Ship Now! I took my trademark week and a half before I began googling youtube tutorials on Ello. Heh, it was gone. Just like that. Ello, good-bye.

8.) AERIAL YOGA: Feeling weightless while suspended mid air on silk hammocks, sounds like the magic cure to free you from that which holds you down. Money, stress, relationships, too full a plate and not enough hours to get it finished. It sounds good, but I’m not paying for that. Not when I already have my own sensory deprivation tank slash floating on air unit. I call it my bed.

9.) BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: Ah, this one was easy to pass on, strictly preference and the aesthetics of symmetry. Benedict may make others’ grow dizzy at first sight, but I’ve never been one for a man with eyes up on his forehead. Nothing personal, just that I prefer a more quarter-planed face; eyes in this quadrant, and the forehead left just for that, the forehead.

And how could we forget:

10.) COCONUT OIL GARGLING: This was a close one. Remember, I called this trends I passed on, not trends I was nearly tempted with. This one almost got me. It had all the lure that calls my name: easy, effortless, no exercise involved, and cheap. Started by Gwyneth, all you had to do was buy coconut oil and gargle for 20 minutes, though the head of Goop would never call it gargling. The process was going viral under the practice of “oil pulling.” Word games, making us conjure up visions of toxins being pulled from our polluted delicate systems via a coconut oil train. I thought about it, and then decided, 20 minutes? I can’t even hold a smile for the camera for 60 seconds without my muscles spasming, how am I going to gargle for 20 minutes without ending up looking like Dizzy Gillespie for the rest of my life. But did I pass? In all honesty to you, no I didn’t. I tried it. I now refer to it as the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I almost can’t wait for 2015, imagine the trends I’ll be able to pass on then. If I were a betting woman, I’d say all of them. Again.

Alexandra Rosas is a national storyteller and mother of three. She lives in a small town where she tries hard to go unnoticed. She fails miserably. You can follow her on Twitter or keep up with her blog, Good Day, Regular People.