Your Parents and Medical Information

Think about how much you probably worry about your own kids when they are sick, hurt, etc. Do you think you'll ever be less concerned about their well being than you are now? I don't think that urge to help your kids ever goes away.

Now think about how you try to shelter your kids when YOU are sick or hurt. You don't want them to worry, be sad, scared, etc. Same idea--we continue to shelter our kids (within reason) as they get older.

They're your parents. They'll never stop being your mom and dad. Moms and dads instinctively want to protect their babies (and, yes, even at your age, you're still their 'baby'). They want to help you get better and they don't want you to worry about THEIR medical ailments. Classic mom and dad move.
Perhaps your folks are just taking it to a point that makes you feel uncomfortable.

When I had some medical issues a couple of years ago, my parents were privy to every little detail. Mom flew half way around to world to come be with me while I went through it. I didn't necessarily need her help, I could have easily gone through the treatment on my own, but I sure did love her being here.

She'll always be my mom and sometimes, even as an adult, I really just need my mom. I'd say cut your folks some slack. Their baby is "sick" and they're in full-on protective mom/dad mode.

Generally and simplistically speaking, I think that parents always think that they have rights to our information (because they take care of us; they made us and want/need to know if any of our "parts/pieces" are giving us trouble) and that they don't want to burden us with their stuff. We might grow up in their eyes but never in their hearts. They tend to remain protective of us, sometimes even on their deathbeds. It's all part of a sacred promise that they made to us and to the Universe when we were conceived.

A story along those lines.... My grandmother called me one day and asked me to set up a doctors appointment. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she was having a hard time breathing. I immediately took her to the ER, her breathing was very labored but she said she wouldn't go in an ambulance. During the evaluation in the ER she told them she was having these symptoms for over 2 weeks! I talk to her almost everyday and she never mentioned it. I felt like an idiot but the doctor said they see it all the time with people.

My dad had a quadruple bypass a few months ago, they didn't tell me the severity of his issues until he had been admitted through the emergency room and was awaiting an opening in the surgeon's schedule for a quasi-emergency CABG. I'm a nurse, and have worked on the med/surg floor for years prior to staying home with my son. It doesn't matter the age of the child or the parent, they will always want to protect us from any worrying or unpleasantness. It's aggravating, but just learn to ask and to assume they won't tell you unless you do. On the flip side, my dad wants to know EVERYTHING that is going on during my pregnancy, what my OB said about this or that, etc, etc. It's just the dynamics of the parent/child relationship. I'm sure we'll do it to our kids someday, too!

I think it's just a natural reaction. Parents will always worry and want to be involved in their children's health and well being, and they will always want to protect their children from their own worries and troubles, health and otherwise.
I know it's frustrating, because after all you are all adults and things should be more "equal" but really they are treating you the same way would have treated you when you were five. They wouldn't have wanted to scare you with your mom's cancer then and they don't want to do it now.
You can try to talk to them about it but I imagine it's a hard mindset to change.

I think as parents, we naturally don't want to worry our children with anything, esp if we are the cause of that worry. We want them happy, healthy, and worry-free. Our kids are what's important, right? No matter if you're 5 or 50, you are still their child, and they probably have a hard time establishing that two-way street when it comes to relaying medical problems.
I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that they have each other. My mom is a single mom, and when medical issues arise with her, she typically needs a second opinion or assistance.
On the other hand, my in-laws are the opposite. They relay every single little issue they have (and will show you). I really don't want to see MIL's body fungus, if you know what I mean. So, it really is a fine line there between wanting to know the problems and getting too much info. :)

Queenof the Castle, all the way. Plus some people like your mom, were raised to be very private about any bodily functions. ANY.

My mom had a terrible pulmonary embolism after having a broken ankle. She almost died. It was very scary.

6 mths later, she was living with me for a while and I found her a doctor here and went with her. She was still on a major blood thinner. The doc asked her why. She said, I had a little blood clot. Playing it down, not wanting attention. I looked at her like an alien had taken over her mind!
And proceeded to tell the whole story! Bless her humble heart!

They are grown ups, they are not used to having to inform anyone about their health. Or having to inform others about their private information.

They also probably are just used to taking care of themselves and do not want to stress you out.

They also realize you have your own family and probably hear a lot about how busy you are keeping up with your own life and do not want to be a burden to you.

Do not take this personally, this is not all about you. They will inform you when THEY are ready as they always have.

This relationship can go to a different level if you can communicate in a calm way with them. Just calmly tell them you are willing to help them in any way, but you will be honest if you cannot assist them for whatever reason, we never know what may come up.

It will not mean you do not care, or do not want to help. Same for you. If you tell them you need assistance with your family, your health etc..., you want them, need them to be honest, you will not be angry or hold it against them.

And then keep an open honest heart and follow through. Things happen that we never expect. Situations can arise and even though we think nothing can keep us away or impede our willingness to help our patents, life can throw us the strangest curves.

We do our best and then no regrets, because we love each other, we can be honest and not burden our loved ones.

The dynamic has shifted with our family because of my Mom having alzheimers. She is basically in a vegetative state at this point. She would share everything with me! One time my dad passed out and his head fell into the spaghetti. You just can't make this stuff up! =) He was upset that she told me and he was in the hospital for like 3 to 4 days! I asked my Dad about him not wanting me to know and he said he didn't want to "worry" me or my brother.

It has changed somewhat now since my dad is technically alone. He will tell us things more quickly which is a good thing.

I think our parents no matter how old we get are still in "parent mode" and want to protect us and don't want us to worry about them; however, they will worry about us no matter how old we are. =)

So the thing is, did you ever just sit down by your Mom and tell her this?
In a nice even tone of voice?
If not, then do so.
She can't read your mind, and you can't read her mind.
Just let her know that secretly hoarding her health status from you, is not real helpful.

Parents don't want to worry their children over things and the age of the child usually doesn't matter. They see themselves as the protectors and want to figure things out and deal with things on their own at their own pace. You can talk all you want but it probably won't change a thing.

My dad always had a 'let's see what we're dealing with before we bring the kids (all of us in our 30's and 40's) up to speed. Over the years he had a pace maker installed, quad bypass surgery, and cancer telling us right before all of the hospital admissions. I think he just didn't want to talk about it all.

I'd say to let your parents know that you care about them and their well being and leave it at that. You aren't going to change their behavior just because you want it to be different.

It's a generational thing. My mom took us through as she battled and succumbed to breast cancer.

Hang in there, continue to trust God, and try to shake the rest loose. Not easy but possibly necessary.

Did you tell her point blank when she fussed at you that she needs to stop with the "do as I say and not as I do"? If you didn't, you missed an important opportunity.

You may not be able to change your mom, but quite frankly, I wouldn't put up with her bull-charging strategy where your life is concerned...

Stick with your dad. He's so much more reasonable.

Your parents are a little like my in-laws. They are very involved in our health/lives (we have a medically fragile child), but we get a lot of their info after the fact. I think they still feel like they need to protect us (or my husband--an only child). They don't want us to worry about them, I guess. Luckily, they're pretty healthy, but I worry what would happen if something major happened. And, we live 1000 miles away.

I have the opposite issue. My mother will call me up and tell me every little ailment that she has right down to what her poop looked like today. This is TMI and things I really don't want to know. When I suggest she go to the doctor she'll give me excuses about why she won't and then of course she does because she is an attention seeking person. She seriously got mad when she went to the doctor and he told her there was nothing wrong with her. I think she has had about 50 different tests just in the last two years and she's upset that there is nothing wrong. I told her to find a good psychologist.

I was the daughter who took my dad to the oncologist on the most important appointment. The doctor called me out of the room with my dad and told me he had about a year left. When I went back I to the room with my daddy, my dad asked, what did the doctor say. I was able to lie straight faced and say, I really can't recall, he just wants to change your meds.

I went to my oldest sister with the news. She said by no means to tell daddy because if told he'd not last.

That was a hard lie to live. I told my son to not follow that pattern when my time comes.