T.Y. asks from Carmichael, CA on June 10, 2011
Your Honest True Responses to Trust and Respect - Why Allow It?
Thanks to all of those that responded to my question of the difference between Trust and Respect. It is an overwhelming Yes these are two different aspects in relationships we hold. Many of us say we trust the other person in our lives but have absolutely little to no respect for them. So ask yourself and respond to me then - without respect for the person we are living with - what honest to GOD reason then do you have to even remotely TRUST they love you and/or are doing what they say they are???
I cannot believe we are all blind to their actions to the point that without their respect for us and what we do and care for them, that we would trust their every word?!
Again - without respect for me I put it in the same statement and paragraph - I cannot trust the other for any reason. Respect me, I trust you.
Tell me your thoughts!!!
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A.J. answers from Williamsport on June 10, 2011
I missed first question. They are two totally different things and depends what it is about. You might RESPECT an intellectual genius who has achieved inventing life saving scientific medical treatments.....but not TRUST that he will be loyal. You might TRUST someone to not to cheat on you and not burn down the house and lose your life savings in a money pyramid, but not respect that they are lazy, boring, and not a very nice person.
The statement, "Respect me, I trust you." makes NO SENSE to me at all.
So, if you deserve respect, because you are a fantastic person on every level and your mate knows that AND respects you for it, then you TRUST them? What does that have to do with THEIR character? Lots of disloyal husbands technically respect their wives, they just have bad behavior and can't be trusted.
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M.J. answers from Dover on June 10, 2011
Yup, I'm with Amy J. all the way. I also did not see your original question, but your, "Respect me, I trust you" doesn't fly with me either. I work as a civilian for the Air Force. Rank demands respect, it's just the way it is. So, if I have a Lt. Col at my customer service window, he/she will get the respect that rank deserves, but there is no trust involved anywhere in that equation. Now, in the realm of marriage it's kind of different, but if anything, in my mind, it's not that one comes before the other, they go hand in hand.
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J.G. answers from St. Louis on June 10, 2011
I find both your questions confusing. It is like you are trying to find the abstract in a concrete action. Trust is nothing more than confidence in what is presented. You trust that a bridge will not collapse as you cross it, you do not respect the bridge, you may not have ever gone over the bridge. It is just in the absence of information that would give you reason to not trust, you trust. Like you see the guy in front of you fall through a hole in the bridge, you may think twice about crossing it.
Someone who has never lied to you, gives off no vibes that they are trying to put something over on you, they seem honest, you will believe what they say. You don't respect them, you only trust them. They tell you they can sell you a 2011 whatever for five dollars, now you have a reason not to trust them. Respect hasn't changed.
Now if you trust no one or anything without proof it/they can be trusted, you have some mental issues you may want to explore. There is a level that is normal, the ends or extremes, not normal. No one, everyone, not normal.
Respect on the other hand is earned. Most cannot respect someone they don't trust but you can trust someone you don't respect. You can respect actions and still not respect the person. Respect is more abstract, more personal. I must know someone before I can respect them. The personal criteria needed to respect someone is unique to the person.
Oh I just proved myself wrong, a shady person may respect someone because of their dishonesty. So they may respect someone they don't actually trust.
Edit: I just wandered through your profile to find the other post. Are you Asian? There is a huge! difference between how an individualistic culture and a collective culture look at these terms. Huge!
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M.P. answers from Sacramento on June 10, 2011
Him having respect for you has nothing to do with whether or not you should be able to trust him. Maybe you are not respectable in his eyes?? Maybe you do not treat him with respect. I read your post yesterday, and really had no idea where to start so I didn't respond. Seems to me that you look down on him and have no respect for him because he got hurt and is no longer working. To me that is not a reason to lose respect for someone. Sounds like you are stressed. Men need to be respected, that is how they feel love from their partner. I am sure that he feels bad enough about himself being unable to work. Men need to be the provider, and take care of their families, that is where their self esteem comes from. At least MOST men. I think you need to cut him some slack. I think that you are maybe not understanding the meaning of these two words.
esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Him being respectable has nothing to do with him being trustable - they are two totally different things. You can trust that someone even if you don't respect all of their decisions. And just because you don't respect ALL of someone's decisions does not necessarily mean that they are not a respectable person.
ETA: Sorry, I went back and read yesterdays, it is your son that has a medical condition. Either way, I think that you should respect that your husband stays home and takes care of him. That is NOT an easy task! And who better to take care of your son than one of his parents?? I think that you need to get over yourself. You are not any better than he is just because you are working and he is not. Jobs are hard to come by right now. At least he is doing what he can to take care of your son so that you do not have additional child care costs!! Cut him some slack ~ My husband got laid off and it took him a year and a half to find a job that paid 1/2 of what he was being paid previously.......
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T.K. answers from Dallas on June 10, 2011
google the love she needs /respect he needs book. main principle is men need unconditional respect the same way women need to be loved unconditionally. he points to the bible where men are commnded to love thier wife and women are commanded to respect thier husband. doesnt say anything about the person deserving it, you are supposed to do it because you are comanded to. he put in perspective like this...a man would never dare say - based on your actions lately i just dont love you right now. it would be a huge blow and probably end the relationship. but we women think nothing of saying, based on your actions, i just dont have any respect for you right now. I cant tell youhow many times i've told mine - of course I respect you, there are just things about you i dont respect. lol llike thats making it any better. I know its hard, but we arent supposed to put conditions on respect. it's like love - its a verb. dont think of it as a feeling, its an action. we dont always even like our spouse but always show them love and do loving things. so, even though you dont FEEL respect, you are always supposed to SHOW respect, just like they are supposed to always be loving toward us.
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S.H. answers from St. Louis on June 10, 2011
repeating your line "respect me, I trust you"......nope, doesn't do it for me.
I knew a married couple- years ago. He respected me....was polite, was gracious, went out of his way to be kind & supportive to everyone, but repeatedly beat his wife. Did I trust him? Heck, NO!
You have to prove you deserve my trust & respect....not just assume that it comes readily.
J.B. answers from Boston on June 10, 2011
Because the actions are different. For example, I work with a lot of people who are overpaid dopes. I'm shocked that some people have made it as far up in the organization as they have. I don't "respect" them because I think they're not very good at what they do - don't know how to access resources, don't follow through on details, miss opportunities, can't do things for themselves, etc.. But I trust them - I know that they are good people, are honest, fair in their dealings with clients, will admit to and correct mistakes, adhere to our code of conduct, and are overall, trustworthy and ethical people. They should just find different careers.
My husband and I have issues of both trust and respect regarding each other. And even with our kids, there are things about his parenting style and choices that I don't respect and am pretty openly critical of. But I trust that they are safe with him and that he has their best interests at heart when it's important.
I think a lot of couples who split up have to get to this point - they have to trust their ex with their children, but might not respect him or her in any way, shape or form.
On the other hand, someone can show you respect and still not be trustworthy because of their own failings. My oldest son's birth father put me up in a pedestal, worshiped the ground that I walked on and in his own weird way was super respectful but that didn't change the fact that he was a con, a fraud and a liar through and through. It was like "as great as I think you are and as much as I love you, I am incapable of being honest."
So I think it's a bit foolish to trust someone merely because they respect you, or not trust someone because they disrespect you. The other person may have a perfectly valid reason for disrespecting you, it doesn't make him or her not trustworthy, kwim?