Young Shy 5 Year Old Starting Kindergarden

I would advise you to wait a year. He doesn't need to be bored at home- there are lots of fun and stimulating things you can do with him ( go for walks, play games, read stories, let him help with the household chores...). Little boys especially need Mommy time, and by sharing this last year with him before school starts you will be giving him a true gift. It sounds like he misses you when he is at preschool. That changes as they get older.

Think ahead: the youngest boys are usually the smallest and are at a disadvantage with the other boys. Size doesn't matter so much with girls, but smaller boys get a lot of teasing. Especially if they are not outgoing. The other boys may go through puberty first, another difficult situation - to be a younger looking boy in a class with boys who look like men... Studies show that boys do better when held back a year.
Even the very intelligent ones. Good luck with your decision.

i remember feeling that way in school... and i still do. does he normally have social issues? is he normally shy around new experiences and new people? this is most likely totally normal, your child might just warm to the new situation a little slower than other children, and i wouldnt worry about him too much... however... i would like to tell you a story about my experience....

dont let this freak you out, but my mother always thought that i had high functioning autism. aspergers. basically, very little social skill (especially with kids my own age) but works ok with adults and teachers. usually aspergers kids are very smart! :D also usually has an obsession over one thing. when i was young, and still today, i LOVE LOVE LOVE pretty rocks. during high school i was obsessed with a teacher of mine. LOL. didnt realize until i was about 22 that it was most likely a symptom.

ive never been diagnosed, but the more i learn about autism, and the spectrum itself, through training related to my child care, the more i see myself as an aspergers person.

however, it never really crippled me, i was never treated like i had a disability, and i live a happy, fulfilling life, even though i still to this day have a very hard time socializing... but like i said, im not crippled. i have a loving husband, a child, friends, family... im not a shut in at all... i have a life. it just may be a little selective about it.

however, now that ive probably scared your pants off because i mentioned the A-word.... i want you to know that its unlikely that this is the reason for your child's problems. however, even if it is, its not really a problem. i have discovered that i am very choosy about who i talk to, and who i am friends with, and even though that narrows down my "options" i find that the friends i have in my life are pretty high quality for my life. LOL. you know what i mean? i cant just be friends with just anybody. i have had strong frienships, for my whole life.

so anyway, you could have him "tested" to see if this is an autism issue, remember that even if it is, it sounds very slight, and may only give him slight problems socializing. or you could just leave it alone, and let him be the way he is. just support his feelings, let him have those feelings, and as long as he does well in school, and isnt misbehaving either there or home, he should be fine. it doesnt sound like he is having a terrible time, he just probably doesnt know what to say, or who to talk to, or what the kids will say to him, or if they will pick on him.... you know? theres a lot of anxiety to talking to people.
if you are a people person, you might have a hard time understanding how he feels, but dont ever ever pressure him to socialize or make friends... he will in his own time and they will mean a lot to him. just have a lot of love and patience for him, and he wont feel that its bad to have the feelings he has. :D

good luck and dont worry - autism is NOT a death sentance, especially cuz it sounds like your son is a smart, healthy kid! just might have a few social issues. after all, they say now that ADHD and that are autism spectrum diseases. no one eevn thinks of those as being serious. thats what we should think about autism in general, especially the high functioning side of it. :D have hope, its not a bad thing! :D

Play dates, play dates, play dates. Your son might be unskilled in interacting with his peers because he up until now, he's spent most of his time with you, an adult. Find other children his age- girls or boys- that he can get comfortable interacting with. If you do this at a familiar park first, he can get used to them without having to share his private space and favorite toys. You might even find other shy children his age at the park and strike up a conversation with the moms. Two or more quiet kids might get along better than one shy and one boisterous. Then have a child over to your house with a discussion first about toys and put away or hide the ones your son decides he does not want to share. Make it clear he will have to share the rest. Then let him play with a friend in his or her home. School will be less traumatic because he will look forward to seeing his friends. And less traumatic for you, because you have let him go just a little before the big day. I would still send him to school, but with the idea discussed clearly with the teacher that if he can't hack it, he can restart next fall. He might do just fine, but if not,really work at his interaction with other children in the mean time and lots of reassurance that he will be fine; how exciting learning new stuff will be. He may always be shy and quiet. It's not a bad way to be. Lots of very cool people are quiet, observant, self-contained.

My suggestion is if you decided to send him to school... Ask for a meeting with his kindergarden teacher and the school guidance counselor. Tell them of your concerns and ask if there is any activities you can get him involved in or activities at home to decrease his shy level. Or if they have any suggestions. I have taught preschool and after school for 9 years(fianlly put in my hat) Sometimes it just takes a special friend they meet and it all goes away. I would ask if the school has a big buddy reading program. Our schools matches up older kids with the younger ones and they read to each other. This helps with social skills and helps with their confidence.

But also, if you don't send him, maybe send him to a different preschool. Different teacher, setting, children, activities, learning process, etc. which may promote your child to interact more. Also, look into your school district. See if there is a 4 year old kindergarden that you could enroll your child in, instead of kindergarden.

I am probably in the minority here, but I discourage parents from sending their kids to kindergarten when they have just turned 5. The reason is that they are emotionally one year behind their peers - most of the class will turn six in the first 4-5 months of the year.

This isn't so bad at first, but the further into the process they get, the further behind they feel. Emotional distance from one's peers can be stressful and can result in poor academic performance. The worst of it hits in Jr. High when they are left out because they do not fit in.

As a mother of two (20 and 13) I have seen this play out 100% of the time with younger students. These kids are either academically behind or socially behind, or both. In the older grades, these young students are pressured to do things that they don't understand or don't have the courage to turn down... they often wind up being the outcasts because of these choices.

Entering school at the right emotional age is more important than how "smart" a child is. The peer structure set up in our school systems works against young students. Sending him next year, rather than this year, will provide him with the confidence to mix with the rest of the class from the get-go...

He is not just shy at this age J. - he is standing on the OUTSIDE looking IN.

Why not give him one more year so that he can go to school with his emotional peers? In my opinion, he will benefit more than you can possibly imagine by having great friends his own age, and the confidence to interact with them, throughout his childhood.

A friend of mine sent her son to counsiling for a year prior to kindergarten because of severe anxiety about doing anything new.

We choice to wait a year to send our son (who's a July) baby. He is so much more prepared to go to school this year then he was last year.

One of the worst things you could do is not hold her back this her but then make her repeat kindergarten. That will be so much harder on her. So if you think she's not ready hold her back now.

As one of my son's teachers told us. Can your child be the best that they can? If not the best gift you could give your child is the gift of time and to wait until they can be the very best that they can.

Good Luck.

I know many others have said this, but if it were me I would not send him. Social skills are the most important skills in kindergarten. It is so much better to give him that extra time with you. Let him always be the oldest in his class rather than the youngest. Not sure where you are in the area, but Zion Lutheran Pre school in Anoka offers a 5 year old preschool class designed specifically for children like your son. I have heard it is amazing!

Don't send him - boys typically mature later than girls and school is not really set up for them anyway. Sending him early puts him at a disadvantage in age, possibly stature and later, in maturity (even if he seems ready now). Being at the bottom of "the pack" to begin with can be debilitating over time. Why not let him start out a little older, more mature and willing to go to school?

SAHM of seven, used to teach public school (K-1) and now I homeschool

My son was the exact same way! His birthday is July 26 and had two years of preschool. He also was very shy and very much to himself. On his birthday before Kindergarten we invited 3 boys from his class to come and they all had such a great time. When Kindergarten started he went there feeling like he had some friends already. All the moms requested that they be together in 1st grade and they all will be. I guess I would suggest that you set up a lot of play dates. Maybe one child at a time. Keep encouraging friendships. Good luck to you and your son and hope he has a wonderful 5th birthday!!

M.

J.,
I'm a little surprised the preschool teachers said he was ready considering your desription of him. My daughter has a September birthday and we got conflicting advice when she was eligible to go to kindergarten. Some said she was so smart and academically ready, but her preschool teachers said they thought she wasn't socially ready. I think what finally swayed me to wait a year was after talking to several parents who'd had the same decision to make, there were some who'd sent their kids as soon as they were old enough who regretted that decision, yet there were NONE who'd decided to wait who regretted doing so. Also, talking to adults with summer and fall birthdays, a few expressed struggles of being the youngest. I know your question was more about easier acclamation rather than actually deciding whether to send him. Have you checked into any preschools that offer "high fives" programs for kids in just this situation? They usually do more age appropriate activities to keep them from getting bored and it's a little less intimidating. Will he be going to all day kindergarten? I've known some moms who've decided to start out the year taking them half days until they are ready (after the first quarter or semester) to go all day. Some districts are more willing to do this than others, but that's another idea. The disadvantage to that these days is that afternoons are no longer always nap and play time...they are having curricular content in the afternoon! I know I'm rambling a bit, but just a few thoughts to ponder. Good luck. The bottom line is to trust your motherly instincts and look and listen for your child's needs.

Nothing wrong with holding him back if you feel he is not ready socially.

I have a friend who is a screener for anoka school district. One of the things they look at is the ability for a child to talk socially and interact with people. They pay close attention to this because school is so packed full of activities and so scheduled, that children don't have the time while in school to develop those social skills they will need for their whole life. I'm glad my little one will turn in Dec so I don't have to think about the decision to send her in 08. You have a tough decision to make. If you don't think he's ready socially, I'd hold him back to develop those skills. However if you do hold him back, I'd get him in more activities over the next year to keep his mind active and interested so he'll be ready and advanced in school when he does attend, vs. being behind and always trying to keep up with the older kids in his class.

This is a tough decision. I have my daughter at a daycare center and many of the kids she's been attending with as infants turn 5 before the 08 school year begins. Many of those parents are choosing to hold their children back so they can have one extra year to be ready for school, develop more social skills and, they will always be ahead instead of struggling to keep up for their entire school career.

I only know of one child who will be 5 in Sept and her parents are enrolling her this year. I personally don't believe she is ready socially. She's always been behind all the other children and she can't converse with adults AT ALL. I've known this girl her whole life and if I try to talk to her, she stands their like a statue not answering. I've been told by other kids in the class that she's basically a brat and bosses other children around, losing friends hand-over-fist. She's going to struggle in school because she's going to have to learn how to make new friends. With rude bratty skills, she's not going to win any new friends over, especially since she will be younger in the class. It'll be interesting watching her throughout her school career. My daughter is WAY more advanced at just about everything she does compaired to this girl, and my daughter isn't going until 09. This girl is going to struggle.

It's a tough decision; I know from personal experience. I don't like to tell other people what to do because I think it depends so much on the individual child, but my now-12-year-old has July birthday (but was born a month early) and we waited a year to start kindergarten because I didn't feel he was emotionally ready for school. He had some anxiety issues. Like you, his preschool teachers thought he would be bored if we didn't send him because he was more than ready academically. I think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made as a parent to wait a year. He was much more prepared for school emotionally and it has worked out really well. He is also small so even though he is one of the oldest kids in his grade he is one of the smallest. Even the girls are taller than he is. I can't imagine what it would be like for him if he were in a grade ahead. We ended up sending him to a preschool class 3 days a week called "Just for 5s" and it was designed for kids going to kindergarten the following year. Although your son is registered for kindergarten you can probably pull him any time up until that 1st day of school. That is how it works in our district. Our son was registered for both kindergarten and two different pre-schools the summer he turned 5 and we didn't make our final decision to cancel the kindergarten registration until the middle of August. Good luck--it really depends on how you feel the needs of your individual child would be best met. (Oh, we did also consult kindergarten teachers and our school prinicipal in our decision-making process.) Feel free to send me a private message if you want any more information about how the decision has worked out for us.

Hi J.-
What you said about his preschool experience tells me he just isn't ready to begin kindergarten. As a mom of a son who has a summer birthday, I wanted him to wait and I have never regreted my decision. It was the best decision for him and he is happy and doing really well. As a first grade teacher, I am very thankful for the decision I made, too. I see too many kids, especially boys who are not ready to be in school. As he gets older, being the very youngest will be hard on him. Remember, he'll be in a class with kids that are a whole year older and a whole year more mature. Third grade teachers have told me that it's in 3rd grade where you see the major differences in social and coping skills. It's easier now to not send than holding him back later. A good teacher will make sure he gets what he needs academically, but no matter how good a teacher is, he/she can't help his age and maturity. You want him to love going to school and be confidant every day.
I strongly advise you to talk to other other parents from both sides and then make your decision to whether to send him or not.
Good luck. I know it's a lot to think about.
LT

J., maybe you can volunteer in your childs class, and help make him feel at home, and in time he will come out of it, and if he is a bright child he may need to be challenged, coloring and doing kindengarten stuffs, he might be beyond that, maybe if you see he needs to do more, maybe he can help the teacher with some stuff, like cleaning a black board, or rearranging the blocks, or given a play project, like can you rearrange the blocks according to color ? simple things, any way, enjoy life, D. s

Have you talked with the kindergarten teachers or the elementary school or just the preschool teachers? Some school systems offer a sort of "pre-K" which is a half day kindergarten, and then the following year they go to the full day version.

I think that if you only talked to the preschool teachers that you might be doing yourself and your son a disservice. Probably a good kindergarten teacher within a little bit of time could tell you if your son is truly ready to start, or if maybe he needs another year to mature a little more.

We started my 12 year old son a year after he was old enough chronologically for other reasons, but bottom line was he was old enough, but he was not mature enough. I have never regretted this decision. For him it was the best thing we could have done. Not only does he have more confidence, but we have had much better results with school work, interractions with peers, and now he is one of the tallest in the class versus being shorter than everyone else.

Boys mature slower socially than girls and between 5-6 seems to be a huge time of growth for them. Better to start a year later, and maybe even be slightly bored than to have to repeat kindergarten because he was truly not ready and have to live with that stigma throughout school.

I'm certainly not telling you to hold him back as I think every parent knows their child best. However, my daughter had a boy similar birthday range and sounds a lot like your son. He went to preschool a 2nd year, by the recommendation of the teacher and the mother, was a little uncertain but she agreed. Ask her now and she said it was the absolute best thing she ever did for her son. He now interacts well with his classmates, he isn't overwhelmed in a crowded classroom and he is excelling educationally because he isn't afraid to express himself. This child too was smart and ready for that move up, but wasn't ready emotionally! Good luck - it's a terrible decision that is an emotionally difficult one because you want to do the right thing!!

I will just share with you our experience. My dd is 7 yo now. She has a July bday, too. The summer she turned 5, we talked about her going to kindergarten and she was not excited at all, just filled with anxiety. She had been involved in out of the home preschool classes and other extra curricular activities, and all the teachers said she would do fine starting K that fall. As it got closer to school starting, she was so worried about it and so upset about starting, we talked with the staff at the school and decided to hold her back and wait a year. She went to 3 afternoon a week preschool instead. She started K the following year and it was the best thing for her. We were worried she may be bored (in pres and/or K), but she did just fine. She was more confident, being older and having another year to mature. She was very shy and quiet, always related to adults better than kids, but did fine in K - because she had that extra year. I do not regret for one minute holding her back. It was what she needed and she found her own way of letting us know. If you are not 100% sure it is in his best interest to start K in the fall, I would talk to the staff at school, talk to any teachers he has had, talk to your friends and family who know him, talk to parents who may have sent or held back their child, and talk to him about it. Also, think about what you would do with him for the school year if you did hold him back, he would need to be in some kind of program. I wish you best of luck, it is a tough decision. If you want to chat more about this, feel free to email me at ____@____.com
S.
mom of 3 and daycare provider

Hi J. -

You know your child the best and what would be best for him. I am in the exact same situation as you and we signed my 5 year old up for Kindergarten, then 2 months ago I started to do a lot of reading and asking other moms their opinions and ultimately decided to keep him in preschool one more year to gain the socialization skills he needs. We talked to our preschool teacher and he said to send him to Kindergarten, then we talked with the Director and she thought he would be more successful if we waited 1 year (she has two children with summer birthdays - and sent one and held the other back, the one she held back was much more successful and she said she never regetted her decision). School has a lot to do with social skills so make sure to keep that in mind when you make your final decision. Best of luck!

I have a teaching degree in Early Childhood and also have a boy who had a September birthday. We didn't send our son until he was about to turn six. I am really glad we waited. Our son is really outgoing and was ready academically but as far as socially and emotionally he wasn't ready. I never hear parents say I wish I would have started our child earlier, they always say I wish I would have held him back a year. My son just finished kindergarten this May and he will be 7 in September. We have all day kindergarten here and the extra year of preschool definitely paid off. Maybe see if there is another preschool program that might be more of a challenge for him or maybe has him go everyday for half a day. I think waiting the extra year will give him more confidence and make him excited about going to kindergarten. I know as a teacher and a parent of a child who had a late birthday, that the extra year of waiting was worth it especially for boys!! Good Luck, I know that it is a struggle but definitely think about it. We wanted our boy to be a leader and not a follower and waiting that extra year made him a leader, I know that if we would have sent him at five he would have been a follower. Good Luck Again, it is a hard decision

You can always have him home one more year, because he may not be prepared socially for Kindergarten. With a birthday coming up tomorrow, he is a "young" five anyhow. I might be inclined to wait a year if I were you. Also he has become a big brother in the past year and that is a lot to deal with for a kiddo, and then to compound his stress with Kindergarten may work against his favor in the future. Has his school got any kindergarten camp or "kindergarten preparedness" days coming up? Is there any way for him to get a little taste of Kindergarten so he could work on his confidence and get excited about school before it begins?

I have worked as a special education teacher in a middle school for 5 years and did an informal "study" on my inclusion science class and noticed that most of the youngest boys in the class tended to perform poorly. Not due to lack of intelligence, but I believe the contributing factor was social maturity. I would recommend that you could try starting kindergarten later as it can impact their progress through middle school. Provide your son with "school readiness" activities such as organized playgroups with "field trips" and activities.

To be honest with you, I would not send him to kindergarten. I work in a school system and this seems to be the problem with many young kids with summer birthdays. My son has an August birthday. He seemed the same way. I waited until he was six and he has done fabulous. What a difference a year made. He was very ready to go at the age of 5, but I felt that socially he needed to wait and it was the best thing for him.
I also held my daughter whom is highly intelligent. She has an August 7th birthday. She is now going into 8th grade and taking a high school algebra class next year and she is very outgoing.
Working in the school, I can pick out the young ones in the class. They are more reserved and not as confident when it comes to doing things. Children grow up so fast the way it is...don't rush it!!!

Did he like preschool? If so tell him it's pretty much the same but you go everyday. I would let his new teacher know the situation ahead of time. She probably has tricks to help over come shyness.

Don't worry about him too much. I was extremely shy as a kid (I wouldn't even talk for show and tell). My mom was worried. My 2nd grade teacher told her I would eventually come out of my shell. I think that didn't really happen until high school but I did ok before then.

I should add that I have a summer birthday and I was held back in first grade. I just wasn't ready and should have started kindergarden later.

My daughter just turned 6 at the end of June and was born at 34-35 weeks so should have been born in Aug. She went to half day K last year did great on the acedemic portions but just is true to her age and more immature than her classmates. In our school district most people hold their summer birthdays back so most of her classmates were a whole year older than her. We are holding her back for another year, and we did a lot of soul searching about this. The school put up a huge fuss about it and told us they thought she was ready, but we know our daughter and know what is best. I was you last year on this site asking the very same question and I REGRET SENDING HER OFF TO KINDERGARTEN!!!!!!!!!!! I can't say it strongly enough. Now she is considered a "failed" student according to her classmates perspective as they have not seen that her report card says she is doing fine, but it really is the best to hold her back. Plus all the friends she made last year are moving on and she is not. She will have to "repeat" the sports teams in the K level as well. I do know the frustration of never getting a direct answer when asking about this subject. I WOULD HOLD HIM IN PRESCHOOL ANOTHER YEAR I PROMISE YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT. I hope you are not sitting in my shoes next year...it was a hard lesson to learn.

It might be good to hold him until next year when he may be more socially ready. A lot of the families I know who have kids that turn five this summer are waiting an extra year. My daughter turns five in September. The cut off date for Wisconsin is September 1st, so I'm happy with her waiting until the following school year.

If you are concerned about him being bored in his current preschool, you could look for a program that is more academically centered or sign him up for some classes that would be of interest to him.

Hi J.,

If in doubt, at all, wait another year for kindergarten. Pushing him ahead can cause more problems. Waiting another year can give him that headstart he needs. You may be surprised how much he will grow and mature in a year.

C.

I agree with no problem in waiting a year. My son started preschool at 4yrs. He turned 5 at the end of October. In Michigan the cut off isn't until Dec 1. We were already pretty sure that we going to put him in Kindergarten but I took him to Kindergarten Round-up any how in May. He was 4 1/2. He wouldn't leave my side. He did eventually talk to the teachers but was REALLY nervous. When we lived downstate the school districts had Junior Kindergarten. Up here they call it Early 5's. You do some of the same stuff as the kindergarten class but with a smaller class...still 5 days a week though. When they screen for kindergarten alot of what they look at is social development as someone else stated. We knew my son wasn't ready yet. We chose to keep him at the preschool he attended (the program is for 3-5 yr. olds) since he was really comfortable with his 2 teachers. He really grew that next year when he turned 5. At kindergarten round-up the following May he was 5 1/2. When the teacher came over to take him back for testing he said "see in a bit mom...i'm going to go with the teacher now!" I was shocked! And really happy:) I think he might be the oldest in his class of 18 but we know we made the right choice for him in waiting. He'll be 7 this October. We moved up here when he was 4 and run a small resort. He goes up to people now and introduces himself and his little sister! Talk it over with your hubby then talk to the school district and see if they have something like junior kindergarten.