My babysitter recently discovered that she is pregnant. She didn't know she still had to use protection for the first month after starting the pill. She's young, 22 and still in school. She was going to have an abortion last Saturday but when she got there she couldn't do it. After talking to her about this, she told her parents and her mother asked her to leave. Her father hasn't been much help, told her she needs to figure out what to do or work things out with her mother. She's now staying with friends that is charging her $250 a month for rent. The girl has no insurance, is still in school, now has to pay for the car that her father leased for her (and no, he won't take it back, said she's going to have to learn a lesson here), makes only what we pay her once a week for babysitting and now has to pay rent and whatever expenses that this pregnancy is going to bring on.
I really want to help. It's killing me to see this happen to such a young girl. I've already told her that if she needs help she can talk to me and I will try my best to help her, but can I just step in and arrange things for her? Like finding a clinic to apply for prenatal care assistance, finding a doctor and hospital, finding free classes to educate her on what's ahead. Helping her apply for welfare, medicaid, wic...etc.
I feel like this is something that her family should be helping her with, but it seems like they left her to do this on her own. I'm honestly tempted to take her in myself. I'm just not sure how much I should be doing for her. She hasn't asked for help yet. She just told me that she wants her baby, she's very scared and it feels like her life is out of control.
P.S. Yes, I've spoken to her about adoption and no she doesn't want that, she wants her baby. She is covered under her mother's insurance but her mother has taken it away from her and said she is going to take her off her plan. Her boyfriend is emotionally trying to support her, but that's about as much help as he can be right now. He lives with his grandmother, works as a night manager at a fast food restaurant and is in school himself.
If you can, reach out to her and help her. Set some ground rules, sounds like she could use the support. Don't get taken advantage of, but you could really impact her wellbeing (and the baby's) and her chance at success. Maybe after awhile her mom will cool down, but for now I don't think you will regret helping out. I say take her in!
I have read a few other responses and I can tell you for a fact she can and will receive State Assitance. she can even get subsidized housing where rent is base don income. These are State programs funded by the feds, every state has them. She is 22, perfectly capable of taking responsibility.
If she was going to have an abortion, perhaps she would consider an open adoption. Open adoption might be a way that she can be some part of a child's life but continue her own as planned. If so, perhaps her family would continue to support her.
It's great that you want to help her. She is NOT your responsibility. It sounds like her parents are giving her a life lesson. You can be her sounding board and guide her....
Yes, her life IS out of control. *YOU* cannot change it or fix it for her. What you CAN do is:
* Direct her to the state agencies (Section 8 housing, food stamps, WIC and grants for schooling/education) that can help her get on her feet.
* Get her a Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman book on finances.
* Tell her to take it one step at a time...she tries to do it all at once...it WILL seem unmanageable.
* Help her find an apartment.
DO NOT help her financially. You only be enabling her.
She's an adult. She made adult decisions and now she has to live with those consequences of those decisions. At the age of 22, she SHOULD be on her own. I was done with college at 21...is she going for her Masters? I would encourage her to complete her education - that will be key to her success in life.
She has decided against abortion - good for her.
She has decided against adoption - okay - make a plan girl.
With Obamacare - she should be covered under her parents insurance until she's 26 - I think the stipulation is that she has to be a full time student. I believe there is coverage under the school as well...she needs to talk to the counselor.
It IS "open enrollment" season so her mom may very well be able to drop her from her insurance if she's paying for it. I don't know. That's NOT your business. While it sucks for her - there are options out there. She needs to grow up and be an adult now.
Guide her. Don't enable her. Be her sounding board. I kinda get where her parents are coming from - she IS an adult. They are giving her life lessons. It's gonna smart - hopefully she will learn and be a better person because of this experience!
A far as young, she isn't THAT young. I got pregnant at 22. Our son was planned.
She may be able to get insurance through school. She should get on WIC asap. She should also look into her college's childcare program. Some have waiting lists, so she may want to sign up now.
It's great that you're willing and able to support her as she learns how to manage. Yes, give her ideas of where to get help but let her make the calls. She is now an adult who has to learn how to manage for herself. You be there to listen and guide.
My daughter was pregnant at 19. She and her boyfriend were living with me and going to community college. I lovingly told them that because they were pregnant they needed to be on their own. I helped them find an apartment and helped get them set up in it. He left town.
My daughter applied for state aide which provided her with medical care and food stamps. She applied for grants and switched to a school that prepared her for a career. She lived alone in the apartment for 3 or 4 months before her boyfriend came back.
They both then were eligible for state aid that offered more training in job skills. With my $600/month they qualified for a moderate income apartment. When the baby came the state paid for child care.
My daughter made plans on her own. She found out about state assistance and made the calls and went thru the process of applying. I supported her emotionally by being a sounding board.
I suggest that at 22, this girl needs to work out things for herself. She and her boyfriend can find a way. You be the emotionally supportive person. If you're able provide some monetary support but first be sure that they are working towards getting their life together, together.
I don't know the family but it does seem to me that they are going overboard with the tough love. Taking her off insurance seems very hostile. Refusing to turn the car in also seems hostile. Whether or not she can effectively turn it back in depends on whose name is on the contract. I suggest that she investigate that possibility.
Be supportive but don't rush into helping her. Wait until she asks and then talk with her about what she's done/doing and make suggestions. Encourage her to stay in school, if that's a possibility. School will have some resources for her. Don't try to do too much for her. As Cheryl B. said, this experience, if she's allowed to work it out for herself, will give her confidence and high self-esteem.
Yes help her as much as you can! Perhaps this is the very reason you are a part of her life. She needs you. Dont be pushy with it all but give her the infomation that she might not know about. If you all can take her in please do. Treat her how you would want someone to treat you if you were in the same situation. God bless her.
I don't know what services you have in New Jersey, but in California she would be able to get Medi-Cal to cover all of her prenatal care and delivery, I believe. I don't think you should "do" things for her, but give her suggestions and let her know what's available and where she might go to avail herself of the services, but make her do all of the leg work herself. She chose this path, and she needs to walk it. Also, as she gets things accomplished, she'll feel a sense of pride and it will boost her self-esteem. I think her parents will probably come around in time, but I believe what they are doing is letting her see how hard life really is and making her become prepared for facing life with a baby by not babying her now. Don't be h*** o* them - tough love will serve her well right now! Also, don't offer to take her in. She's going to have to figure out how to live within her means when she has the baby so she should begin doing that now. Perhaps you could just give her a raise?
Aren't FT college students covered under their parents' insurance?
At 22 she should be just about done with school, right?
I'd encourage her to finish her education, at all costs.
I don't see what the harm would be in getting together a list of resources and numbers for her handy0like in a list: WIC, etc.
As for the rent and car--maybe it's a good thing and will be a good lesson learned. maybe that's what the parent's are trying to get across to her. That life (especially a single mom sans degree with rent/utilities/car payment) is not all that easy. Maybe she wasn't grateful for the help they did provide? Hard to say--I don't know her or them. But if her parents are like most grandparents, they will allow her back with the baby--maybe if she goes back she will be appreciative of the help they can give.
22 isn't that young. I would say help her find the places for assistance like wic, medicaid, free clinic for doctors visits and all that fun stuff. I know there is a program called CHIP in the state of OH and i think it is insurance for the baby. Shes probably going to need a lot of guidance through this. I wouldn't offer to have her live with you just yet. I'd wait and see if the parents will come around. $250 for rent isn't bad but I think she needs to find at the least a part time job and she can work that around the babysitting for you.
I think its awesome that you want to help her out.
I was engaged while living with my parents, but not married yet when I got pregnant with my son at the age of 21 in New Jersey so I can give you a bit of info. Yes, she's young, but she's not incapable of making this work.
Her mother cannot drop her from her insurance, so reassure her of that. As for getting her own insurance, she'll need only to go by the county offices for wherever she lives & they will be able to point her in the right direction. It's honestly not very difficult at all & it's very quick. I never used WIC/Welfare/Medicaid so that much I cannot offer any info on. My husband & I were married within 2 months of when I found out I was pregnant so then I was on his insurance & we never had to worry about the state assistance again.
As for her living/car/money situation, I have no advice for what you should do for her. IMO, she's an adult & should be able to figure that out. I mean, sounds like it's time to find a full-time job & have some serious talks with the boyfriend. If her father leased a car in his name & was having her make the payments to him tell her just to drop the car off to him & walk away from it in the exact same manner both of her parents have walked away from her. I would have absolutely zero guilt doing this.
She'll be ok, she'll be able to make this work. You're a good person for doing everything you can to try to help her. ;)
If she is in school she should have insurance. I can't remember what the law is but schools are required to add to the tuition cost of insurance if no proof of insurance is provided. I think it has been this way for four years.
She really should check into that.
Come to think of it I had two kids at 22, that really isn't that young to be having your first. :( Maybe that is why her parents are trying to make her grow up.
You have a very kind heart! My advice would be to help her with things such as finding assistance, prenatal care, etc. I would be skeptical of taking her in just yet unless the situation becomes quite dire. I suspect that tensions are running high with Mom and Dad, but that will lesson as everyone gets used to the idea and has time to process it.
I believe helping her is a great thing.....as long as she also attempts to help herself!! I have a co-worker whose sister got pregnant at 21 years old....similar situation. She was given LOTS of help from friends and family....which was great. However, the downside is that she basically made no attempts to finish her school or make future plans while she was pregnant. She was shell-shocked at first and then when everyone starting doing for her.....instead of helping her do for herself.....she sat back and got a little too used to that. She had all the diapers and onesies she needed, as well as a free place to live and car when the baby got here. Needless to say, those things ran out and now with the baby at 1 year old, she is back where she started....but with a child to care for.
What I'm trying to say is help her to help herself. Help her PLAN for what is coming so that she is a little prepared when that baby gets here. Opening your doors to her is a lovely thing to do.....just make sure the expectations are clear and that she makes the effort to start readying herself to support her and baby. That is the best thing you can do for her!
What kind of parents do this to their own child? I'm so glad you are there and willing to help her. The first thing she needs to do is get on DS. You can go on line and get the forms for her to fill out. She may need help with this. At her first appointment they will help her get medical insurance. Then she needs to see a doctor and make sure everything is okay with her and the baby. DS Will also help her get some financial support from the babies father.
She also needs to sign up for WIC right away. And Section 8 for housing. She can also find the forms for both of these on line.
If the car is in her fathers name, tell her to take it to his house and drop it off. It's his problem now, just as he has shown her the baby is her's.
Her mother CAN drop her from her insurance since she is not living at home anymore so she needs to do all this right away. I know you said she is going to school but she should check with the school to see if they can offer any help to finding a part time job. Keep in mind this may have an effect on her babysitting for you though.
Once she has all of the above started and in place she needs to talk to the school finance dept to let them know her finances have change so they can get the proper paperwork started so she doesn't have to drop out.
These are all things she has to do for herself but you can still be there to help her get them started. Stay on her about them. You can not slack when it comes to all of this. The state doesn't care if you are busy, if you don't do things when they want you to do them, they will drop you also. She is not a child but sounds like she has been sheltered by her parents and may not know how to do things on her own yet. She may need pushing. Push her. Once that baby is born she will have to grow up a lot, she has a hard road ahead of her! Be gentle, but be firm. She is lucky to have someone like you that is willing to help. Especially since her own parents have abandoned her!
I think that's terrible that her parents are trying to push her for doing the riffy thing. But this happens a lot and usually once the baby is here they put it all behind them for the sake of the new life. There are plenty of services out there for young mothers pregnancy cares provides items for the baby and possibly even housing. Have her look of pregnancy care center in her area. Your salary is not going to support her and her baby she needs more than that. It's nice that u want to help and if u can go ahead but there are many services out there to help her and she should be eligible for health insurance especially for her baby. To drop her from the insurance now would be a terrible thing for her mother to do to her. Good luck and God bless you for being so kind to this young girl she needs someone like you right now.
I think offering to help her negotiate all of this is a wonderful thing. Don't do it for her but guide her through it. She is going to need some help. Also not sure if this is even in her thoughts but if she thought about abortion maybe she would consider adoption. You dn't mention the father of the baby at all in your note. What is his part in this going to be? She needs to realize that he has some say also.
Not sure what the process is in your state but have your babysitter contact your local Medicaid office immediately and get the ball rolling. Then she can sign up for WIC, also see about getting housing help. Would she be able to get a part time job to help with the rent cost. She is going to have to learn quickly to grow up, I'm just glad that your supportive of her and her sweet unborn baby. Just make sure she knows your available if she needs you even for just an ear. Good for you for stepping up when her own other couldnt or wouldnt.
is it your place no, but given the situation I'm sure she would appreciate any help you have to offer. I would just ask her if she would like for you to help, tell her what you are willing to do for her (ie. help her apply for aide, like medicaid, wic, food stamps etc.)
I probably wouldnt take her in unless you really feel the need, you never know what will happen & although I like to help people helping & getting too involved is a thin line.
if her father leased the vehicle (like its in his name) then he can't make her keep it, especially if she can't afford it, but what would she do for transportation otherwise? If it's too much strain though personally I would just drop it off at his house, he would either have to make the payment or let it go back...even if her name & his name is on it she can still let it go back if she has no other choice...
good luck & God Bless
well I think before you go over board with the help, its a better idea to find out from the family what the situation is. She IS 22, shes not a child and knew better about what to do and what not to do. She seemed responsible enough to try an abortion, so she SHOULD be responsible enough to figure out other things. I doubt taking her in is in her best interest but what you are doing is wonderful. I am sure she is very grateful for it. It takes a certain person to want to help someone completely. Is there anyway to talk to her family or will it put you in a bad spot? They are angry now, its probably pretty new to them and they are angry for what she did for her future. I bet they DO come around soon for the help. Sometimes it takes a while for the other family members to accept whats about to happen. My sister got pregnant in college as well. she was 20, she also got pregnant with a bi-racial child and my father was well known to be on the pregidous side. To say the least, my family disowned her for about 3 months. Then they got over what was going on, stepped up, helped her, and accepted and forgave her. She decided to finish school, keep a job, and an apartment all on her own and pregnant. She eventually had to move home for other issues, and we all took care of her son and he was the love of everyones life. So you might be jumping the gun on the family. I would just keep in touch, try to find out what her immediate needs are, but dont get deeply involved yet.
i dont think 22 is that young but given her sittuation and naievity it seems she needs all the help you can offer, but i wouldnt take her in, b/c that means years of helping, you're going to feel horrible asking her to move out once she moves in, unless you know you can set up timelines and she will follow through and eventually be able to support herself
I'm still blown away by her parents.
She's 22 for crying out loud. Not 15.
It sounds like they've kept her pretty sheltered and dependent (or she's the kind of person, like one of my sisters who NEEDS to be told what to do and have someone hold her hand. Don't get me wrong, my sis is wicked smart, she's just very. very. timid. She doesn't SEEM that way -she seems pretty gregarious personalitywise- but she's not. She'll run out of gas passing 10 stations on her way to "her" gas station that she feels comfortable at, and in her 30's now has only lived away from home for a max of 2 years at a time. My sister is the kind of person who needs someone to care for her.)
I had my son when I was 23. Bit of a miracle baby himself (3 forms of birth control, used religiously -and not just sundays;)- for 5 years. i STARTED school when he was 2 months old. (I'd been military straight out of highschool at 17)
Pretty much, having a baby in your 20's or 40's... it's just the same. As in, everyone is new at this at one point of another.
Since it sounds like her parents have been fully supporting her... just treat her like a friend who is getting divorced and has nothing. If you're a friend, be a friend. You can help her look into support via her school, state agencies, recommend she call her insurance (and if it is legal for her mother to drop her while in school -it's not in some places-), send her to women and family services through her school. They'll have loads of info on funding, daycare, programs. Ditto the state. The car is pretty easy... haver her phone the dealership.
Just sitting down and brainstorming a list is helpful.
It's fine to offer her some resources. While her parents are being jerks, she is too old to be "taught a lesson," and adults do not need to be punished for having sex, the fact is that she is an adult and if the boyfriend is her age, so is he. They are not in high school, they are in their 20's. If they opt to have a baby, the financial responsibility is theirs alone and they need to determine if and how they can afford a baby. No one else is obligated to provide for that baby - but if her parents were already paying for her car and her health insurance, I feel they are being extremely controlling by stopping that assistance simply because they are displeased to learn that their adult daughter is sexually active.
Where on earth did she get a prescription for birth control pills where her doctor, midwife or nurse practitioner did not tell her to continue using other birth control for the first month?
I don't know what kind of school she's attending (college? community college? full/part time?) but most colleges have a women's center, counseling center, health center, etc., all free. If she is a part time student she might not even realize that her school has these resources. Her student fees pay for them so she might as well take advantage. Send her to all of them.
Good luck,
B.
There was a time in my younger days when I'd have said she had to work it out with her parents. At this point (they are still adjusting), I'd probably just keep a watchful eye and maybe they WILL come around. I've said some things in shock and anger that I didn't mean, and maybe they are in that stage of things.
If they really don't help her more extensively as things go on, do what your heart says. This is a cold and cruel world at best, and she's going to need all the support she can get.
If you know how to get her into a clinic, etc., I'd say do it now--that's a complicated system, and her anxiety must be over the top, so all things are hard right now. She's lucky to have you, no matter what degree of involvement you decide to have..
I guess I don't see the harm at all in taking her under your wing (so to speak) and helping this girl out. You trust her with your own children, so you must know she is a good person. How often do we really get the chance to do some good for others in this world? I would just let her know you want to support her as much as you can and describe to her some things you can help her with (some of the things you mentioned here) but let her know that you don't want to step on her toes and if she wants to handle things on her own to please let you know. No, she's not your responsibility, but as long as this isn't bringing your family un-due stress, why on earth would you turn your back on her?
Sounds like you have a kind heart. Nothing at all wrong with that, the world needs more of you :)
Not sure if it's still around, but NY used to have a program called PCAP for medical assistance for pregnant people
You can also help her/direct her to apply for section 8 housing, contact a group that is called modest needs. The housing is a must do fast as there are long waiting list. There is also a program called coabode.org. Single parents can get matched with roommates who are also single parents. Often when they can one will work a day shift/school while the room mate keeps all the children, then the day worker stays with the children at night while the other one works/school
Definitely check into if she can return the car-she needs to find out if her name is on the lease alone. Did Dad sign the lease as a co-signer etc. If she is stuck and can't pay it her credit will be shot from the start. Does your area have public transportation she can use? She can apply for a pell grant for college. She also needs to check into what programs her college may have for single or young parents.
I was a single parent (in process of divorce at the time) and the junior college had daycare assistance if you were either a vocational/office personnel major or a nursing major. Stunk for the rest of us but our group was instrumental in helping create the program it has now-your major doesn't matter, your need for help does.
Just because she is 22 doesn't mean she understands how to go about all this. I have a friend who took in a 25 year old that has not a clue. It seems that they may have some learning issues that the parents never addressed. (the parents really didn't want him and it continues to this day)
So teach her how-you know the old saying about "give a man a fish he will eat for a day, teach him to fish he will eat for a lifetime"
It sounds like the bf is using his situation as an excuse-they could be doing this together. But if emotional is all he can do then she needs to learn how to be strong and become a rock. She doesn't have any easy path.
She is Blessed to have you though. May your love and light and mentoring illuminate her path and her to appreciate it, understand it and pay it forward
Thank you for not shutting this young woman out. I was estranged and single due to a divorce and was treated so very horrible on top of losing my husband and I was young too so I understand.
Good luck
Oh and check on the insurance thing I know in some areas I live that the person who has the insurance can drop anyone from their plan after legal age unless there is a court decree. I know we can only cover our kids until 21 as long as they are full time students.
I would look around for a home for pregnant girls. They can help her in ways that you are not set up to help her. She's not that young. By the time I was 22 years old, I had 2 children, was shortly after that pregnant with my 3rd, and had started my 24/7 daycare. I was married and owned a home as well. She's going to have to get a full-time job, pay for daycare, and go to school nights and weekends. If your area is too expensive, she may need to try and find a way to move to a better climate to raise a child.
NW,
Sounds like your sitter has run into what my parents warned my sister and I they would do if we ever found ourselves in that situation. Literally, if you come home pregnant don't come home.
Communicate. Talk to her. Overwhelmed she may be, but if you want to help her, each day is one more day towards that day when she will be VERY overwhelmed.
You might consider whether you wish to take her in yourself, either be her parent, or help her find work with you that is more full-time.
...and my baby calls, but I had more...
M.
