26 answers

Wow, Just Wow. Help Please!!

Ok so my mother in law has recently told me about how she wants to take my daughter to her home in florida for a week when she starts walking (shes going to be 11 months old in a few days so shes getting close) problem number 1. i live in south carolina and the longest ive been away from her is 2 1/2 days, and at 8 hours away it scares me to be away for a week. problem number 2 and the biggest of them all.... my mother in law is severely bi polar, shes overdosed on medications 20+ times in the last 24 years... when she was living with us she did it yet again, this time so i would find her dead (thankfully i got home in time) i went to walmart for no longer then 30 mins and she had taken 200+ pills. when i returned home she couldnt talk, move or hold urine. I was TERRIFIED! I try my best to keep my daughter away from her, but as grandma i have to allow her to have some visits, limited to a few hours each (she has only seen her twice since she was born) she has offered to let me stay for the week also but I cant stand to be around her for longer then a few hours since im still angry about the fact that she did that so i would find her dead... A little side note: she takes morphine, anti depressants, sleeping pills and mood stabolizers everyday so her speech is very slurred and some days she just cant manage to get out of bed. So how do i tell her no without hurting her feelings? I know what it did to me emotionally and mentally, its gonna be with me for the rest of my life, i cant even imagine what it would do to my baby.... I know eventually i will have to answer her questions about why i dont allow her to go with grandma and why grandma is the way she is but i'd like to stay away from that subject for as long as possible. please help, i dont know what to do!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Just so everyone is clear, i REFUSE to EVER send my daughter there alone! I just need to find a way to say no without it back firing in my face. I'm nervous about whats going to happen if i do say no, she is bi-polar so it could get pretty nasty. (i'm also someone who's mouth will run and get me in trouble, trying to grow out of that because i have a baby now but im VERY short tempered) as for the comments of having daddy do it. yeah well, he doesnt see why i cant go, why i dont feel comfortable around his mom. He himself doesnt either and he has seen her OD several times so of course he isnt close to her at all. Basically its being left up to me, no matter what i say or do im going to look like the bad person and im trying to prevent an outburst of negativity around my daughter. I'd also hate for ANYONE to talk bad about me to my child later on in life due to me simply saying "no" thank you everyone for your responses. Its gonna be tough but i guess a simple no is all i can give her.

Featured Answers

where is daddy? i imagine with such a mother he has some issues of his own, but this is really his area. HE should be the one to handle this, or at least back you up. since you don't mention him i have to assume that's not an option sooo...i would blow off the subject as much as possible. if she pushes, maybe mention you feel you should wait until SHE is more healthy.

ps. HELL NO would this woman be alone with my child. EVER. you're not alone sister...

2 moms found this helpful

Easy just say no because I did not and do not let my 3 babies go to their grandmother without me being their.

More Answers

You want someone to tell you what to do, ok ~ I'll do it.

SAY " NO THANK YOU ".

Tell her that you are not ready for this yet and that you will let her know when you are.

Do not be so concerned with how she will feel about this. Always think and put your daughter 1st in everything.

My mother is really freaken crazy and bi-polar as well, and I don't care if she is one of the grandma's SHE IS NOT ALLOWED ANYWHERE NEAR MY FAMILY. And that's how crazy she is!

Be strong and firm and do not let her bully you into saying yes. Say no and stick to it.

I guess my worst fear would be my little one walking over to the night stand and putting pills in their mouth and dying from it.

That would never be worth her happiness.

God be with you.

6 moms found this helpful

Just tell her. "You are a liability to my daughter... from your experience with overdosing and having trouble functioning, I just don't feel it will ever be appropriate to allow you to be the sole caregiver of my child in these instances. I would be concerned that my child would get into your pills and overdose herself, and that with your mood swings and health issues, you just aren't able to cope with a young child without me there right now."

Really, you can beat around the bush and then have to give excuses every time she asks... which will hurt her feelings over the course of time, or you can be straight with her. She already knows she is a dangerous and crazy person, so telling her will hurt, but it will the the truth and she deserves to know it. When she freaks out, the good part is she lives several states away.

If anyone else has a problem with it, then ask them how they would feel if your daughter was hurt or even died from an overdose or something else by this woman who is out of her mind. Legally, the child's parents could be held responsible if they knowingly left the child in the care of a person such as this. Just tell protesters that and maybe that will shut them up.

And ps, this is your mother in law, your husband should be the one putting the reigns on the woman. If he can't man up and deal with it, and expects you to cater to her, then he needs to put his big boy pants on and do the week alone visiting her himself.

4 moms found this helpful

I'm confused. Why did you post this again?

3 moms found this helpful

I would very politely say, "No, I'm sorry but I am not ready for her to be that far away for that length of time." If she pushes, then just continue to say no. If she continues, then her son (if he is in the picture - you didn't say) should back you up and politely say no (even if he is okay with it, you are not and should back you up).

I love my parents and my inlaws very much (and they have no issues like that) and I am uncomfortable with the idea of my 6 year old daughter being in another state with them for a week. So, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to not want your daughter in another state with anyone at a year old.

3 moms found this helpful

I agree with what most said here: just say "no". I am pretty sure your MIL knows what her deal is - she knows why you are saying no. If she really wants you to spell it out, then do so. Your priority is to your daughter, not your MIL's feelings.

3 moms found this helpful

where is daddy? i imagine with such a mother he has some issues of his own, but this is really his area. HE should be the one to handle this, or at least back you up. since you don't mention him i have to assume that's not an option sooo...i would blow off the subject as much as possible. if she pushes, maybe mention you feel you should wait until SHE is more healthy.

ps. HELL NO would this woman be alone with my child. EVER. you're not alone sister...

2 moms found this helpful

Wow, bipolar is really tough. My doctor thinks I might have a milder case of it, so I know how frustrating it can be "within the skin" as it were, at the mercy of one's emotions. It's a tough place for her [your MIL].

HOWEVER. You have a sacred obligation to provide for your child's well-being. If you are concerned about your child's safety around your mother, then do what your gut tells you is safest. If spending any length of time with your MIL is frightfully difficult for you, spend as little time as possible. You have to interact with her as she is, not as you think she should be. We all have idealized images of how families ought to behave, which is one of the reasons we all get bent out of shape during the holidays, because our families end up behaving like they always do, instead of like they "ought." And that's tough, too.

Perhaps you could read some books like "How to Hug a Porcupine" by John L. Lund (how to interact with toxic personalities) and "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. I've found them invaluable in changing how I interact with some difficult personalities in my own life. And good luck. It seems like you care very much about doing the right thing and not being hurtful, which is a credit to you for having such charity. Remember - forgiving someone does not mean we allow them back in to hurt us again. If your MIL has not made the changes that would make her safe to be around, then you are wise to keep your distance.

2 moms found this helpful

I only read the first two sentences of your post. Seriously, your daughter is your responsibilty! If you know that she will not be safe with you MIL then there is NO WAY you should send her there for a week, period!
You can go and visit with your daughter, but under no circumstances on God's green earth should you put your child in the care of your MIL. Sorry. You'll just have to be honest with her or just go with your baby girl.

2 moms found this helpful

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