Would You Say Anything or Let It Go?

And what would you accomplish?

Nothing. The discussion that needs to happen, is with your own children.

9 moms found this helpful

Why say anything to her? You should be talking to your kids. It's important for children to understand that different people have different values. You can't expect your kids to grow up thinking that everyone has the same values/beliefs as your family. This is a wonderful, teachable moment, embrace it. Use it as an opportunity to have real discussion with your kids, about what it means to be a family, the importance of marriage and commitment, etc. You can certainly do that without making your SIL and her brother look bad, they are just different, that's all.

7 moms found this helpful

You are more than welcome to your beliefs just as your SIL is welcome to hers. Isn't diversity great? So, you talk to your daughter about how your family believes what they believe.
BUT, can I just say, it may be nice for your daughter to hear that even though you hold your conservative beliefs that you would still love and cherish her if she "messes up". That's what your SIL seems to be doing. (said as a woman, who at 25, got kicked out of my parents house into a halfway house when I got pregnant out of wedlock)
Laura

6 moms found this helpful

I think this is a perfect opportunity to talk to your children about your personal family morals. It's also a great time to explain that others are entitled to their beliefs and that it's important to respect what others believe. An appropriate response to the cousin could be, "I would like to be married when I have children." Your kid wouldn't be judging her uncle, she just would be stating something that she wants for herself.

I would not say anything to the SIL other than it's great that she's supporting her brother.

Kids are going to be exposed to all sorts of opinions as they grow and the best that we can do is teach them what we believe. Although, we can't guarantee that our kids will believe what we do, but we can hope!

6 moms found this helpful

1st of all, I don't think it is "conservative" to believe you should get married before having a baby.
2nd, I agree with what someone else said - this is the perfect time to tell your daughters how not everyone has the same beliefs. I wouldn't say anything to your SIL.... I would just have a conversation with my own daughter(s) about it.

6 moms found this helpful

Your kids will always be guided by YOUR belief system first.
You can't stop them from hearing and seeing things.
They will be who THEY are no matter how much you really want them to be like you.
Keeping up the communication is the best thing you can do. They should always know where you stand and you should talk to them enough so you can know where they stand on important issues.

5 moms found this helpful

As long as you have said your own values with your children, it does not matter what others say and think.

Just remember to tell them, never judge others. Just try to be the best you can be.

5 moms found this helpful

Funny story - I had my son out of wedlock 16 years ago. I was 30, stable, etc. But, I have been preaching abstinence to him since he was about 8 years old. At 16, he is currently committed to being abstinent until marriage.

So, we can teach our children different values from what we have modeled, and from what others model.

I would not say anything to the SIL. Just continue to have an open dialogue with your children about the values that you want them to have. Expectations, moral compass, all of that, we can teach our children despite what goes on around them.

5 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't make an issue out of it with your SIL. She was reassuring her own kids that the baby was welcome and wanted and that their uncle's situation what it was, that they are not getting married.

Be comforted that it is precisely your modeling your values as a parent and your own actions which your children are more likely to emulate. There is a lot of reassuring information in this regard in so many of the studies I have read on families.

Personally, I can say from my own, good experience that sometimes having a baby before being married can be a good thing. My husband and I were happily partnered for five years when we got pregnant, and chose to marry about a year and half after he was born. I was so pleased to know my husband before we had a baby together, and having a child with him only confirmed my belief that we were good together. If both parents support each other, speak well of each other, and treat each other and their child well, that is most important to me. Think about all the married couples who damage their children by not getting along but wanting to stay together for the sake of the kids?

So, while I appreciate your concern and your beliefs-- and yes, it often is the case that marriage before babies is more beneficial, I agree with this-- know that your SIL was probably trying to be happy and let it go. Your way of life, the 'culture' of your family- this will be far more of a good influence on your daughter. None of what any of us believe are universal truths... your kids will realize this soon enough as they make their way through life.

5 moms found this helpful

I probably would not saying anything to SIL. Your girls will have to deal with people who have different values throughout their lives. When I come across a situation that goes against our values, I discuss it with my kids. I usually say something like; So and So does not feel that marriage is important before having kids, however this is not how we feel, our family has a different value system and believe that it is wrong to have children before getting married because....

My Disclaimer - My above example does not represent my feelings regarding the subject of marriage, every situation is different and my feelings regarding the issue is based on that individual situation.

4 moms found this helpful

I would not make a huge deal out of it, but I would tell your SIL that you were caught off guard when she spoke about this issue in the car with your younger children present. Let her know you would appreciate if she gave you a little heads up and some consideration in the future.

In terms of your kids. I agree that kids will be told all sorts of things contrary to their beliefs whether it is from other adults or their peers. Having discussions about how you believe differently and why is such a great way to help your kids learn how to weather the world and its differing beliefs.

4 moms found this helpful

She is not going to be the last person to present something that confuses your children. Take it and run with it as a teaching moment.

Honestly how you react to this will not mean beans to whether your daughters get pregnant as teens, or gets married before having kids. What this defines is how you will communicate with your kids going forward. Are you going to be open and honest or are you going to pick your words considering your agenda.

The problem with pushing an agenda of I don't want you....is that it isn't you, it isn't honest and going forward they will weight everything you say with the fact that they felt you weren't being completely honest with them.

An example would be my older daughter. All through high school she was a youth retreat leader giving the chastity speech. After going out with her boyfriend she met her freshman year for six months they were having sex. Thing is she still clings to her more important principal, abortion is wrong, so she is very careful, is on birth control pills, because she knows she could never have an abortion. In the end she will not get pregnant out of marriage, I don't care how she got there only that she does. At this point she is 22 and teaching while her boyfriend works on his masters, yes, the same boyfriend. :)

Oh, so let it go and concentrate on what is important, your kids!

4 moms found this helpful

You need to talk with your kids and tell them your views and focus on that.

You're kids are going to grow up hearing tons of other peoples views. You can't change that. You can only expand and talk to them about yours.

Explain to your kids why you believe it's "not ok".

Just because she knows how you feel doesn't mean she should hide how she feels.

4 moms found this helpful

I've got news for you. Your children are told things that are contrary to your beliefs everyday. Don't repremend your sister about speaking in front of your children, unless she was intending to give this lesson to your children too.

Speak to your children about marriage and babies and do not be afraid to let them know that their auntie was wrong.

Next time, I suggest that you correct your SIL in the car immediately. Not in a mean way, just say, "Actually, having children outside marriage puts the child at risk of an unstable home.....Statistically speaking, children born out of the wedlock are more likely to live in single parent household. How would you guys feel if Mommy or Daddy didn't live at home with you?". There's no reason she can assert her opinion and you can't assert yours. After all it's not personal, it's just ideas.

I'm surprised how upset so many people are who responded to this post are about anyone speaking about an idea they disagree with. Or who are ultra sensitive about sharing their own ideas for fear of "offending someone". We ought not be afraid of ideas, especially those rooted in poor reasoning. If your ideas are rooted in truth then you have nothing to be afraid of. And if your children are exposed to ideas rooted in poor reasoning then it's easy to help them see the foolishness.

That said, I'm stepping off my soapbox.

4 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't make an issue out of it with your SIL. You can continue to have your beliefs and talk about them with your children. You can continue to tell your children that you believe marriage is important before families have children. To address the differing opinions your kids have heard from their cousins you can say that the world is made up of people with a lot of different beliefs and some families may not feel the same way as yours. Your children are likely to run into people with all sorts of belief systems over the course of their lives. The best you can do is show your kids your value system and teach them to think for themselves.

4 moms found this helpful

Not sure what you would hope to accomplish by saying anything to your SIL. She has her views and you have yours...they just happen to differ. The best you can do is damage control with your 2 kids. Explain to them that everyone is entitled to their beliefs...and you SIL's beliefs are different from yours. Explain to them why you feel as you do. Then listen to their responses and answer any of their questions truthfully.

And yes, I too belive that the optimal situation for a baby is to be born to two loving parents through marriage. However, the reality is that this just doesn't always happen for a multitude of different reasons.

4 moms found this helpful

I think that if you say anything to anyone, it should be your daughters.

They will be exposed to other people's circumstances, beliefs, and values their entire lives. That's not necessarily a bad thing. The important thing is that you instill your values in such a way that your girls can make the best decisions for themselves in spite of others' value systems.

This is just my opinion, but there are definitely times when pregnancy and marriage don't and shouldn't go together. My daughter had a friend whose parents were extremely restrictive. They didn't even want her going to birthday parties if there would be boys present. She got pregnant at 14 by a much older boy that attended their church. She got pregnant on purpose in order to get out of her parents house. It worked. They threw her out and forced her and the guy to get married. She left school. By the time she was 17, she was the mother of two babies and working two jobs while her husband stayed home and played video games everyday. She walked to work in all kinds of weather because they didn't have a car.

She traded being trapped in one situation for being trapped in another. I personally don't think marrying her off at 14 so her child wouldn't be "illegitimate" was the best thing for her, but she wasn't MY daughter.

I do know that situations like these actually turned out to be the best forms of birth control for both my daughter and my son. In the case of your extended family member, they guy is 29 years old. I'm assuming the girlfriend who is pregnant is of similar age. They are far from innocent teenagers. To them, marriage may not be important if you want to have a baby. You can certainly make it clear to your daughters that you feel quite differently about that without sounding judgemental or encouraging them to be so.

This situation can actually open a dialogue between your and your daughters that might not have presented itself otherwise. You're not going to change your sister-in-law's views, so just reinforce your own with your own kids.

I honestly believe that's the best approach.

Best wishes.

4 moms found this helpful

I would just tell her that you'd appreciate a little more discretion when discussing her very polar opposite beliefs, especially when your children are present.

That being said, you're never going to be able to control the fact that your kids will hear opinions & beliefs that differ from what you're teaching them. And, honestly, I think that that's okay, as well, and that it's a great time to teach them about understanding that not everyone is the same, and not everyone thinks the way you do.

Ultimately, as long as you are raising your kids how you want to raise them 100% of time, the occasional differing opinion from someone else is not going make or break your kids.

3 moms found this helpful

Yeah, it's very frustrating when family members do things like this. My husband's sister and her husband do this to us all the time. Thankfully our kids are still too young to notice it too much.

As tempting as it would be to give her a piece of your mind, I don't see an upside.

I also would like to see my kids wait until they are married to have kids for several reasons. My husband and I were both raised Catholic, so that's part of it. Also, our oldest is a honeymoom baby, so we weren't married that long when he was born. Would have been nice if we had been able to just be married for awhile before having a kid.

While your reasons for wanting your kids to wait until marriage are valid on their own, should your daughter continue to ask questions, you might let her know that having a baby and raising a child is a huge commitment. It's something that's hard enough without having a partner. Also, not being together can be really tough on the kids. Those types of reasons my help her understand better.

She's always going to be exposed to other people's values, so you just have to keep the lines of communication open. Make sure she knows she can always come to you with questions, and you will always hear her out and not get upset, that you'll always have open and honest conversations with her and respect her feelings.

You will be the biggest influence on her. You have that power. Your SIL doesn't.

3 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't say anything to SIL. I would take it as another opportunity to discuss with your daughters family values and "our" beliefs, YOUR expectations and hopes for the girls, etc. We get slammed with messages that go against our personal beliefs all the time on TV, radio, real life. Sad when it hits close to home but what can you do?

I remember when I was in 8th grade we had hired some woman from a charm school or something to teach our entire girls scout troop etiquette for like 8 weeks or so. She was beautiful and captivating and young and we were all in love with her. We ate up everything she said. One day she decided to share with us she was engaged and expecting a baby and that's why she was getting married... and we were all so cute and lovely we were going to sing at her wedding in the crystal cathedral.... well my devout Mormon scout leader was appalled and we never saw that charm school lady again - her superior head cheese charm school lady came in and finished up the badge with us. What I remember most was a beautiful heartfelt letter that came from my scout leader to all the moms and girls explaining the situation and encouraging all to have family dialogue about our own views about premarital sex (it was very mixed troop, not a Mormon troop or anything). My mom and I discussed the letter, the situation, and our troop leaders actions. To this day I think of my mom and my troop leader as such wise, influential women in my life. And the charm school lady? Just some kooky lady I once knew about.

3 moms found this helpful

Address your children, not your SIL. Help your children understand their confusion. Help them understand that everyone does things differently and discuss what your beliefs are in your home. Explain that is is ok to have different beliefs, like in your SIL's home and re-explain what your home's beliefs are. Children are easily confused by the world around them and you just have to provide the stability and answers of what goes on in your home. Reinforce what you'd like to teach them. Talking to your SIL will only cause that political debate you seemingly want to avoid, so don't.

3 moms found this helpful

Whare do you stand on abortion? Are you against pre-marriage sex or just pregnancy? Where do you stand on birth control?

I ask this because if you are okay with premartial sex but against abortion, you have to know that with sex pregnancy happens, even with the best birth control. While this may not be the best senario, a baby out of wedlock, it happens. So bascially it's a done deal and now everyone has to work to make the best out of the situation.

As far as the messages to you daughters, work with it. You can explain that yes women get pregnant even when they are not married and that is not good, it's better if they are married. But it doesn't change how much we love the father, the mother or the child.

My own opinion is marriage is not really important if you have a baby. But to quote you the words you heard were "marriage isn't important if you WANT a baby" . I think a little out of context for this situtation, it doesn't sound like this baby was exactly wanted -- the child was more of an accident. But again in my opinion it doesn't change how much the child is loved.

Your own conservative veiws are fine as long as you don't toss guilt around and tell people they are sinners and going to hell when they make a mistake.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm in the camp that feels your kids are going to be exposed to conflicting beliefs and opinions all the time in their lives.
I would once again explain YOUR beliefs and YOUR reasons for them and explain that the world is full of others who don't believe what you do. Then that parlays into a discussion on judgement, diversity, character, etc.
I'm (politically) pretty liberal, but I believe what you do.
You have to be careful. My son at around 7, started asking me about a cousin who had a single mom & why. I had always told him when a husband & wife wanted kids, they prayed and asked God to bless them with a baby. He asked me if God made a mistake with his cousin. Man! Talk about a conversation about judgement, acceptance, forgiveness, and more!

3 moms found this helpful

Don't say a word to your sister-in-law. Instead, take this as a chance to discuss with your children how some people have different values and beliefs and why you're teaching them what you are. This is a GREAT morals lesson for your children. I've had to do this exact thing already. It's not easy, and will take some finessing, but you can do it.

3 moms found this helpful

Your children are always going to encounter people of a different belief system. While you and your sister don't agree, that doesn't make her wrong and you right, it's just a different belief.

If your convictions are strong enough, your children hear you, but you have to realize that at some point your children will have their own convictions also. Raise them to believe what you believe, and your sister will raise hers to believe as she believes.

You just had a teachable moment with your kids. They heard something that confused them, they came to you, and you explained your pov. This won't be the last time, accept that people differ in pov's and move on. Your sister did nothing wrong, at some point your children will over hear he is having a baby, and is unmarried.

at least you had the opportunity to correct it when it did.

3 moms found this helpful

I wouldn't say something to your SIL but I would talk with your own daughters. I would tell them that other people have opinions and that they aren't always yours and shouldn't be theirs but that we love people even if they are doing what we don't think is right, such as the brother of the SIL. We can love the people and treat them with respect but not agree with their beliefs and your kids will need to know how to stand up to that even more in this in time than ever before. You can't force your beliefs on your kids but you can teach them what you believe to be right. Just calmly discuss it and tell them why you believe as you do.

2 moms found this helpful

When your daughter approached you, what did you say to her?

While I agree that I prefer when marriage comes first, I have several family members and friends that have become pregnant out of wedlock. Do I agree with it? No, but then again I wasn't there at the time of certain decisions. Most of them have gone on to marry their boyfriend/girlfriend, but a few have not.

For those few, not getting married was the right decision. Their relationships were rocky to start with, several breakups and reunites. Was bringing a child into the mix of that the right decision? If the girl did it on purpose, no. It wasn't. However, I do know that in all situations, that child is the 'apple' of at least one of the parent's eye and they are glad that that child is here.

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OH heck no, I would not be OK with this. Topic aside, she cannot announce her beliefs as FACT to all of the kids including yours. At the very least she should have put an "I believe" in front of it and made it clear not everyone believes that. You should do the same. Let your kids know your beliefs very strongly and that you disagree with SIL. I WOULD say something to her if the kids always talk and the cousin is saying things like this to your daughter. Your SIL had no problem declaring her beliefs as "law" to your kids, so you should not feel bad whatsoever to tell all the kids YOURS. I would gather the kids up, including hers and say you just want to clarify a DIFFERENCE in beliefs on the topic of babies in marriage. Let them know that unlike SIL, You do not think having children out of wedlock is a good idea and you don't want COUSINS (look at the one who said that when you say it) teaching your kids differently. You can be diplomatic if you are pro choice and say you realize it happens, and people can choose that path and work around it, you're not judging, but you don't think it's "totally OK and not important" like SIL. Tell your SIL not to teach your kids her beliefs as if they are facts. She should have known better. I would never have made some "announcement" like that to any kids but mine. Even when it's just mine I'm careful to say things like, "I believe X but not everyone does" for matters of religion etc.

2 moms found this helpful

Your children will come across many people and ideas that are contrary to yours as they grow older. They may even form their own opinions contrary to yours!

We deal with this every day of our lives, and it's not the big deal you think it is. My husband got his girlfriend pregnant and they got married and then had the baby (My SD). The marriage was doomed from the beginning (but at least they gave it a go) and are now divorced.

My SD's bio mom has had 3 more children out of wedlock after my SD. Two of them have different daddies, so that makes 4 children and 3 daddies.

My SD's mom doesn't believe in marriage anymore (because you can't collect welfare if you're married because you make too much money). We strongly believe in marriage.

My SD is only 11, but she has said numerous times that she wants to get married first, then have babies. She says now she's waiting until she's 30 LOL!

Anyway, your children will form their own opinions so exposing them to contrary beliefs, even if they are from a family member, won''t change too much in the long run.

Be open to answering your children's questions and you should also say "We believe" and "others believe" so they know it's okay to have different beliefs. As long as you give them solid reasoning for your beliefs, it will be fine.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I would definitely tell her that you wished she had waited to tell her own kids that it's okay to have children out of wedlock out of earshot of your kids. Tell her that if she wants to teach her own kids that, that's one thing. But you will be teaching your children your own values.

You two may end up clashing about this, but maybe that's okay. Maybe she will remember next time that you stood up to her and hold her tongue.

D.

2 moms found this helpful

I would address it with your daughters and reinterate your beliefs. In addition tell them you did not say anything when their aunt spoke about the news of the unwed parents because you did not want to embarasse her.

I would privately speak with your sister in law and let her know that her news put you in an awkward position because you and your husband have raised (are raising your children with different values).

2 moms found this helpful

Yes! I would address it. I would take her aside and tell her that you understand that she feels a certain way but her conversation was inappropriate in the car with your kids. It confused your kids and thats not ok. Tell her in the future she should keep her comments to herself about those things especially in your children's presence. GL

2 moms found this helpful

It's time to have a talk about "opinions" vs "facts". Make it clear to your kids that your SIL's point of view is *her* opinion, and that it's NOT yours. And that it's ok for different people to have different opinions. And that just because someone tells them how *they* feel about an issue, it doesn't mean it's a fact and your kids have to believe it.

You are still their No. 1 influence. Keep communicating with them about why YOU have YOUR opinions and most likely, they will agree with you in the long run. And if they start challenging your opinions when they're older, that's a great opportunity for some real in-depth discussions.

Since your SIL seems to think it's fine to spout her opinions in front of your kids, she should be equally accepting of you mentioning YOUR opinions in front of hers...in a diplomatic way, of course. "Weeell....I don't totally agree with that...I actually think it's a better idea for the mom and dad to be married, but whatever your uncle and his girlfriend decide for THEIR family is THEIR choice. How EXCITING that you're going to have a new cousin!!"

2 moms found this helpful

I think if it were only the one time, then I wouldn't say anything to the SIL, only talk to your kids and express that you disagree with that opinion.

But, since it sounds like she keeps bringing this up to or in front of your kids, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to take her aside (not in front of your kids OR hers) and ask her to please refrain from discussing her opinion about it in front of your kids. That you respect her right to have her own opinion about it and you don't intend to sound judgmental on the subject, but that you'd prefer to be the ones to tell your kids what is "ok" and what is not.
Don't make it about whether she is right or not, but about it being YOUR place to teach your kids what you believe is right, and not for her to undermine what you are telling them.

ETA: Oopsie.. just re-read your original post. I misunderstood something. I thought the SIL is the one who keeps bringing it up to your kids. But if it is her children doing that, then no, you don't say anything to your SIL. (Actually that is what I originally said at the top). But you can help your children understand how to explain to their COUSIN that they believe differently. Or give them reasons why you don't agree that it is "unimportant". "Importance" is subjective and based on values, and if your nieces/nephews don't find something important, that is fine. It is also fine if your kids DO think something is important that others don't. So talk to your kids about different values. You might even be able to explain to them that SIL/Aunt may have had to revamp what she thinks b/c she doesn't want to appear judgmental to her brother. There is a lot of personal politics in these matters within families.

We've had to deal with similar stuff in our house (not out of wedlock births, but divorces, religion, adoption, politics, etc).
It is not okay for another adult to impart their personal opinion as law to YOUR children. That is usurping your role as parents. And unfair to the children, because if your kids have any manners, they know not to argue or contradict adults, generally speaking. Especially when they are very young, like yours. But within "authority" levels (between cousins, for example instead of aunt to niece) having a debate or argument even, is fine (if you behave civilly and like mature adults). Or stating something as truth (which the other party can disagree with and debate) is fine. Just teach your kids why you believe what you do. The rest they will learn as they observe the world around them. You can even give them practices responses for when their cousin reprises the "it's not important" mantra....

1 mom found this helpful

Let it go. She has her beliefs and you have yours. Your children will be exposed to many beliefs that you may not care for. They will have to learn to think for themselves. Tell them again what your family values are and how you don't condone having children outside of wedlock. Just because your SIL said that in front of your children doesn't mean they will adopt her position. My children know my position on most things and when they hear an opposing view they will say, Oh my mom wouldn't go for that!! I am sure yours would say the same, that is why they gave you that funny look when they heard it. They were just too polite to disagree with a grown up.

Honestly, I am more concerned that you are in a car with your kids when SIL is receiving texts. If she was the driver, that is way more dangerous than any messages your kids might receive about pregnancy.