Would This Bother You Re: Playdate Request

3 is a bad number regardless of how well they play.
Did you ever think that the girl requested the younger to play?
If one of my kids had a play date and the other didn't, so be it. I never told a parent that one kid could come over if I found someone for the other.

No, this wouldn't bother me. But that's because we don't do playdates.

Even if we did, this really wouldn't be an issue because instead of trying to guess or read someone else's mind, I'd just ask about the things that concerned me. The idea that everyone must reach the same "logical conclusion" as you do is a thinking trap. If you need clarification in a social situation, the best way to get that is to simply talk to them.

" She considers Sue a good friend. How do I say younger sister is going to play and you stay home alone?... "

Simple. You say, "Younger sister is going to play and you stay home alone."

And then you teach your daughter a life lesson about how things won't always be fair and go make cookies together.

I think from the other mom's point of view, your youngest will be in the same grade and its good opportunity to secure a friend in the same grade.

She might alo be concerned with your oldest being more mature and possibly leaving her daughter behind as she gets to be with older friends as the yrs progress.

I know your thinking is sound but she just has different priorities than you.

Haven't read the other 20 replies, but just want to give my two cents.

I don't think that, if one of your children is having a play date, you need to arrange one too for the other child. I understand the one at home might feel sad, but instead of scrambling to find her a play date too, spend some special time together. I don't mean take her somewhere fun every time, but just do something together at home - play board games, watch a movie, work in the garden, etc. They need to learn that sometimes one will get to do something fun and the other one won't. I'm sure it all evens out in the end.

I do understand why it's hard with this particular child, Sue. Because they are both friends with her, it's harder for your daughters to understand why one would be invited and the other wouldn't. I think you should just have a little chat with the mom and find out whether she's not inviting both because she doesn't like having 3, or if she or her daughter doesn't like your oldest as much. Not inviting her might be the mom's way of saying that the friendship with your oldest has run its course and she's trying to keep her play dates to girls in her daughter's grade.

In any case, I think you have two very different issues going on and they need to be handled differently. One is the situation with Sue where both think they are friends but only one is getting invited. The other is your mentality that both girls need to go on play dates at the same time (I understand that they are often separate play dates). Use the opportunity to have special one on one time with whichever girl is at home.

Maybe Sue prefers to play with your youngest, and is asking her mom if only she can come over, but not requesting your oldest - you say they are good friends also, but maybe not. Just because your oldest is out-going and well liked, it does not mean this particular girl prefers her.

I'm thinking if my daughter wanted to play with a certain girl, why would I always have to have the sister come along? I get the impression you are contradicting yourself. In one breath, you say you want the older daughter to be included and if you can't find a way to spare her hurt feelings if she is not, then little sister doesn't get to play either. In the other breath, you say you don't want your oldest to be a 3rd wheel.

I suspect the mother is tired of trying to navigate your family dynamic and has washed her hands of it entirely.

I think having your younger daughter go over and play on her own would be good for everyone. The youngest tend to live in the shadow of the oldest, so this would give her a friend and experience of her own. Your older one needs to experience little sister having plans when she does not. She needs to understand that she can't and won't always be invited and liked by everyone. If she grows up under the impression that everyone has to include her and like her she will experience very, very hurt feelings one day and her self esteem will be chipped away at every time she is not liked by someone.

why does your oldest have to have a playdate if the youngest does? life is not an exact accounting book. Is it a big deal for the older one to have to find something to do? If I was the mom of the friend I would be just like her. I would like 1 kid over for a playdate not the older one and the younger one. the older one should be playing with kids in her own grade.

EDIT: Not missing the point here at all. The younger sister is the same age as the girl that's inviting. You don't know for a fact that the little girl isn't preferring and that it's not just the mom. Yes, all of the girls can be friends and yes, still only one of your girls can be invited for a play date. No, it's not "mean."

As the invited person (or mother of the invited) you do NOT get to dictate which child gets to be part of the invitation. It's effing rude and out of line 100%. You think you're protecting your older daughter but you're not. My original post stands.

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Why do your daughters have to have the same friend? Why should they both have to have a play date with that little girl at the same time?

It should be perfectly acceptable for your younger daughter to have play dates WITHOUT her older sister tagging along. She should be allowed to have friends apart from her sister. Just like your older daughter should be able to have play dates WITHOUT her younger sister tagging along and have friends apart from her little sister.

So what if it means things aren't always "even" between your daughters in the moment? They're two years apart in age so guess what? NOTHING is even. Your older daughter has two years more of everything than your younger daughter. Not everything can or should be equal all the time. Your children and YOU need to learn to cope with that in a graceful manner and not make it other people's responsibility or concern.

It's YOUR responsibility to help whichever daughter doesn't go on a play date while the other one does to not feel "left out." They're not being left out. And you should NEVER EVER have said anything to that other mother about your older daughter feeling left out if she weren't allowed to go. That's completely ridiculous. And it explains why that other mother hasn't called you to set up another play date. She doesn't want to be guilted or chastized into inviting an extra child to the play date. Who cares what the reason is? Maybe she can't handle a third child, or maybe her child is more friends with your younger daughter. Oh well. That's okay.

Take that time you have with your older daughter as bonding time and teach her to fill her time up herself.

i'm coming to this late after you edited or added what ever.

But to me this IS a totally separate issue That a ton of people are missing.

what makes it different is that your OLDEST is closest/friendliest to this girl, and the girl is ditching/shunning your oldest for the youngest who isn't ALL that into her.

In a typical situation sure the advice you have been given would be good advice, but it's like your BFF calling to hang out with your husband and not you.

I think one poster might have hit it right that the mom is setting up the younger daughter to have a friend in her grade.
one other point that might be a bit difficult, is that maybe your older daughter's Outgoing nature is harder for mom to deal with and she prefers the more introverted younger sib to have over. even though to you, they all play fine to play. sounds like mom is a bit odd anyways so how knows what is in her head.

Since I homeschool, my answer is going to be different, and here is why: I dont get why age matters. I also don't get the third wheel thing...yes, sometimes, but I've seen lots of groups of three figure out how to play great together. My kids share a best friend, and I'd never think to excluding one while the other played with him, nor would his mother. They are all friends, so why wouldn't they play together?

I think...the other mom is thinking "Why does she (you) always have to find a playdate for the oldest? Why can't the oldest play home by herself? Can't she (you) stay home alone with the oldest?"

When a mom invites one child over for a playdate, I'm pretty sure she isn't concerned about the other kids in that child's family, whether she (the other mom) knows them or not.

If you feel your eldest deserves an explanation, then have her ask the other mom herself, because what you are doing is trying to come up with an answer to someone else's reasoning, which you can't possibly know correctly. This is also known as speculation.

My daughter is friends with 3 sisters, one is her age, one is a year older and one is 3 years older. All four girls get along great when they are together!

My daughter gets along best with the youngest and the oldest but not the middle girl (who is only 1 year older than her). So my daughter is invited over to their house when either the youngest or oldest is having something but not the middle girl. It's fine.

We've had all 3 girls over and it's just too much for me sometimes. Not always, but sometimes it's a lot. My daughter will only invite the youngest over if she can have just one over, and they are fine with it. We do not invite the oldest because even though her and my daughter get along, there is a 3 year age gap which becomes apparent sometimes.

I think the mom is trying to cultivate a friendship between your youngest and her daughter because they are the same age, and sometimes having two kids over is too much. You should not turn down a playday just because your oldest doesn't have a playdate on that day.

You can continue to invite the girl over to play with both of yours, but understand that only your youngest may be invited to her house. I think that's fine.

I don't really get your thinking about having to make sure both of your daughters always have play dates at the same time, I don't see how it's "mean" if one is sometimes home without the other. I have three kids and it's pretty rare that all three of them would be playing with a friend on the exact same day and time. I loved it when it happened, but it was rare!
I mean, I would never tell one of my kids, no you can't go play with a friend because your sister didn't get invited and she doesn't have plans today. Talk about a recipe for building sibling resentment.
Let their plans with friends happen naturally. Some days one of them will have a play date with a friend (or a birthday party or whatever) and the other one won't. That's just life. They are plenty old enough to understand this.

I think you said 'thanks don't want her to be a third wheel' because you were hoping that she would tell you that she's not, right? And then she just didn't, so that sucks. You don't know the reasons behind her not responding to the comment; it could be anything, really. And no, you weren't wrong to try and keep your oldest from getting her feelings hurt, of course not. That's how we moms are programmed.

If you don't want to keep the contact going, then don't call. If you do, invite her daughter over to play with both girls and go from there.

ETA: It's odd, but maybe she's just assuming that your youngest and her daughter are a better match just because they are closer in age. It could be as simple as that, esp. if you aren't getting any uncomfortable, weird vibe otherwise ...

Hmmmm.....since you say that Sue and her mom are a bit odd, I would take a stab in the dark that Sue likes to have play dates with your younger daughter so she can boss her around. Is this why your younger daughter doesn't care for these play dates? I imagine your older daughter can hold her own with Sue.

I don't think it is unreasonable for Sue's mom to only want only one of your daughters over for a play date. But I can also understand why you wouldn't want to send only one daughter over there if the other daughter doesn't have her own play date. It causes sibling rivalry because both of your daughters are friends with Sue. I think this mom is doing you a favor by making it a bit awkward for you. Setting up play dates with a kid that is hard to get along with shouldn't be so much work for you. Let this mom and kid fade into the background :-)

Is it possible that, as an older girl, your older daughter may be a little bossy during playdates, directing the play, so sometimes they wish just to have the two 2nd graders play? It may be that the mom is trying to foster lasting relationships, knowing that when your older daughter goes to school, she will not be in class with her daughter and there will be more separation in a couple of years when she goes to middle school. If this child is often ostracized already (as you say she is odd), the mom may feel it's important to foster a relationship with a peer. Older children tend to direct play and may inhibit her daughter's creativity or self-direction.

I would simply explain that you honor the invitations as they are given. Personally, I would explain to my fourth grader that she has a special mommy date and then do something special with her.

I think she should not have to have both girls all the time and it is okay for one to go to a playdate while the other stays home. I understand this is all new since your girls are both young, but you need to get used to the idea that they will get separate invitations to do separate things and both may not always have invites for the same day so one of them may be at home without the other. I don't know why you couldn't have been honest with the mom and said younger doesn't want to go, but older does if that's okay with you. Don't see any problem with that. Really, honesty is the best policy.

I agree with Lillym that people are missing a key part of the story. Your oldest was friends first and still seems to be friends with the girl and the mother is the one micromanaging by only inviting your youngest. This seems very different than your youngest having a friend and you making that mom always take your oldest too. And if you see all three play together well, whats wrong with that? We also have varying ages play together in our neighborhood and i think its great. I call bs on the poster who said your daughter should play with kids her age. You said she's only a year and a half older. But I guess you do have to assume something is up. The girl doesn't like your oldest as much anymore, the mother wants the younger one to be the friend or the mother doesn't like your oldest. Hard to say but sounds like their loss if the mother needs playmates and the daughter is a kid other mothers steer clear of... I would react similarly to you though. It's hard to watch your kid be hurt and while it's unavoidable sometimes, if your younger doesn't care about playing with this girl and the mom is weird anyway, I'd just skip them. I could see the mom asking for one to come over if two is too much but the way she's singling out your youngest doesnt seem to work.

I think if Sue's mom invites your youngest, then *that's* the child she wants to play with. If you don't want them to play together, then keep doing what you're doing (saying your oldest must have plans as well) and eventually they'll probably stop inviting any of your girls.

Personally, I don't try to make it 100% fair and even all the time. If my oldest gets invited to play at a friend's house, then she goes and the other two stay home. Same thing goes if my middle one gets invited; the oldest and youngest stay home. I'm not going to set myself up for a lifetime of "but SHE gets to/has/is going, etc" by ALWAYS making sure every moment of their lives is fair and equal. But that's me.

My oldest is friends with one girl who has a twin sister. She's never been in the other girl's class and only knows her as her friend's sister. I've NEVER heard their mom insist that BOTH girls have plans so ONE can go somewhere she's invited. Something to think about maybe.

I don't think Sue's mom is being mean or intentionally excluding your daughter. I understand you just don't want your daughter to feel hurt and left out, but I think you just need to let their friendships and social lives evolve and change the way their going to, and stop trying to micromanage them.

If you want to distance yourself, then just let it go. If you want to distance yourself, I don't understand why you even care. However, if she calls again, I think it's okay to ask politely. "I'm just curious. All three girls seem to be friends; but when you call you just invite one. Which is totally fine, I'm just curious why."

I'm on the other end of this. My daughter is in 6th grade. The girls across the street are in 8th and 3rd grade. My daughter plays with both girls, but prefers the older of the two. It does make it difficult sometimes because sometimes she would like to play with just the 8th grader but you don't want to be rude and exclude the 3rd grader. And often when we go place and I tell her she can bring ONE friend, the younger one gets left out. If it's something I think we can explain as something for older girls, I call the mom and she's always understanding. If not, I have her pick a different friend so as not to create problems. This mom is always really good about not expecting me to have both. So it's not the mom that we worry about, it's hurting the younger girl's feelings.

So if I'm reading this right, one girl can have a playdate only if the other girl has a playdate? That's just ridiculous. They need to learn to entertain themselves once in a while.

Good luck.

yes, i do think it's a bit odd. i absolutely agree that kids need their own friends and playmates, but when it's a neighborhood friend AND usually plays with your older daughter, i do think it puts you in an awkward position to insist that sue can only have the playdate with your younger daughter.
my response would depend largely on how the girls take it. if your older daughter is truly hurt and heartbroken about being 'left out' i might consider interfering more than i usually would. but i also understand the other mother's preference that occasionally her daughter just have one-on-one playdates. since she DOES include both girls sometimes, i think the best response is to take it absolutely casually. 'petunia, sue wants you to come play. are you interested? petella, she just invited petunia this time. how about if you and i have a monopoly afternoon? we can make tea!' if your girls are relaxed and groovy about it, no harm, right? but if it causes meltdowns in your house, just explain that to the other mom.
khairete
S.

Sounds to me like she's trying to push the two who are the same age into playing together more no matter what the personalities an previous relationships are. These could be many reasons, even as simply as: it's easier for her to just have one child over.

I have friends who offer to take all three of my kids even if they have only one, but I take it upon myself to realize it's not fair for them to take more kids than I do when I take their only child, so I just send one most of the time unless we're all getting together or they really insist and assure me my oldest helps out when she's there so it's no burden.

Your'e right that your oldest would naturally feel bad since this has been her friend all along. But I think you need to get everyone used to just sending the youngest more often since that looks like the direction of things if you want to keep these people as playmates.

Now it sounds like she may be offended that you refused to send both daughters even after she said oldest could come last time when she obviously only wanted to take one but she still offered but you said no. Sounds like you guys aren't really getting along. Just be nice and let it die off if it's meant to.

These things are awkward. My sister and i had sister friends (only it was 4 not three of us). My sister and her friend were about 18 mo older than me, and the the one in my grade was actually a year younger than me. To boot, the little sister (Erika) was a late bloomer and about the most extreme late bloomer I've even known. We were in 2nd grade together but grew up to be teenagers together. I can tell you that it was awkward as I became closer to her older sister. They are so young still, but before you know it they will all be teenagers together! And the age difference will mean even less. I don't see how you can prevent friend preferences from forming. To this day, i'm not sure how little Erika adjusted to me becoming closer to her older sister. We were nice to her when we were at their house, and included her in everything. But often, when going out, we just did things with the older sister.
I think its okay for now to tell the mother that the sisters are a package deal, but I stick with my original notion, you can't prevent friend preferences from forming and your oldest my need to move on at some point.

Maybe the other mom invites your youngest because they are both in the same grade and even if they play fine, she may not want 3 kids at once.

What happens as your girls get older and your oldest has activities and your youngest doesn't? Will you make your oldest "sit out"? Bottom line is your girls are two separate people and don't have to do everything together or even the same thing separately at the same time.

If I were you I would ask the other mom to maybe switch up which one she invites sometimes but I wouldn't require that either both go or you have to find a play date for oldest in order for youngest to go.

I'm thinking in terms that 2 get along better than 3. I'm sure there has to be moments when either your two girls fight or someone is left out at some point. Its inevitable and while you are used to it, this other mother being the mom of an only child is not. I think that's most likely the reason she doesn't want all three. Two definitely play together than 3.

A very good friend of mine has a daughter the same age as my oldest. I also have another daughter who is 2 years younger. On a normal given day my two girls get along really well. But when we go over to my friends and all three girls are together my friends daughter will be mean to my youngest. And even after five million talks with my daughter she tends to follow along. Not necessarily being mean herself but not very good at sticking up for her sister. So I find just sending my oldest over is always best. However, when all three are at my house, they tend to play together. I think the friend knows what she can get away with at home and knows what she can't at my house.

I think its definitely a thing of 3 is a crowd more than anything.

If I were you I would not worry about keeping play dates 50/50. If Sue's mom calls for a play date I would tell her Sue can come to your house to play with both girls since they all play so nicely together.

My oldest is in HS and she has a core group of 6 friends that are over here nearly every wk for the last 2 years. My daughter has never been invited to 5 of the kids houses which is fine by me. They just like hanging out at our house which is a great thing. (I guess we feed them well 😊).

While a lot of responses, I just noticed one thing that wasn't addressed in the "ETA" SWH. No. I don't think this mom gets it at all.
You said she was a bit odd, unless you have expressly told her X feels left out when sue asks Y to come play then there is no way she would "get it" because (from the sound of it) she doesn't have two girls:)

If you wanted to distance yourself this was a blessing in disguise, but moving forward perhaps being a bit vulnerable and taking the time to explain what is going on with your girls and being honest with the other mom would be best. as we say, we aren't mind readers.

Hope it all works out for you and the girls.

I don't have too much experience with playdates as I have just one 12 month old daughter, but I generally think it's better to be inclusive than exclusive. If the three girls have a long history of playing together, I don't understand why Sue's mom wanted to exlcude your older daughter unless she was causing some sort of trouble. If the three girls usually played together, but all of a sudden the older one was not asked to join (which is different than if your older daughter voluntarily chose not to hang out with them because she feels she's too mature to hang out with the younger girls), then I'm pretty sure your older daughter's feelings would be hurt. If there was a reason why Sue's mom didn't want your older daugther to join, she should tell you. If she doesn't and you're curious enough, you should ask and explain why you're asking.

Okay:
1) Just because one sibling has a play date, it does NOT mean... that the other sibling has to have one too.
2) If it is another Host asking a child over for a play-date, for one child, then that is their choice. And MAYBE it is the hosting child, that only wants... one child over. Versus plenty of kids. So the Mom could just be, asking your one child over (versus both), because her daughter only wants one friend over. The one that is her same grade/age.
3) It is not being "mean".... to only invite one child over. Unless, they are being mean on purpose and being discriminatory. To that other sibling.

4) I have tons of playdates at our house for my kids. AND when one of my kids has a play date, the other one does not or sometimes they have their friends over too. And also, my daughter has friends, who happens have little brothers too, that are the same age as my son. So SOMETIMES, my daughter's friend will come over, WITH their sibling to play with my son. Too. At the same time. Or sometimes, NOT. It is up to me. Because I am the "Host" of the playdate. And sometimes, I just do NOT want... TONS of kids in my home. And other times, I or my child, only wants THEIR own time, with their friend. It not always having to be.... a GROUP of siblings too coming over. Just by default. Each of my kids.... CAN have their OWN TIME, and their own playdate... with their friend or friends. It does NOT have to be... .ALWAYS the other sibling having to have friends over too at the same time. Just because the other sibling has a playdate.
And my kids have NO problem with that. My kids will even tell me "Mommy I want my own time today with my friends....." and its fine.
My kids KNOW and understand... that they are not siamese twins and they are not joined at the hip and they have their own friends and their own, playdates, too.

With families with more than one child... it is unfair.... to assume that just because one child has a play-date... that the other sibling(s) HAS to go on that playdate too, with their sibling. Just because that other family has other kids too. And it is unfair, to assume that that other family is being "mean" just because they do not invite ALL of a family's kids, to a playdate.

There are times, that my daughter has a friend over. And that friend has a brother same age as my son. But I tell the other Mom "Sally wants to invite Erica over, but today is just the girls..... not the little brothers. Is that fine?" And the other Mom COMPLETELY understands and it is just the way it is. Then, there are other times, that we invite my son's friends over... AND I will ALSO say "your other kids can come over too..." and then I have like 6 kids over at my house. Or I will say, "Today is just the boys over.... not the sisters...." And it is fine.
But that is at MY discretion. And my kids choice.
I always speak to them... .about social matters.
My kids are 6 and 10 and they completely understand.

This is rather complicated, but I'm going to try to understand and put my 2 cents in if you don't mind. Yes it is rather mean to envite one sister and not the other, but this is in your situation. It's different if you've got older children playing together and not wanting a younger child to be mixed into the group, because older children have a different level of interests. (Ex: group of 10 yros. would not appreciate a 3 or 5 yro. pushed into their group.) It's different if they are really close in age like only 1-2 yrs. difference. Usually younger children look up to older children/teens and want to be around them, so they can mimic them. You've got 2 daughters that are pretty close in age, so age should not matter much. Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do about this type of situation without any hard feelings on either side. Kids are funny. Some kids only like to have 1 friend. I know, my son went through that when he was in elementary school. He is very social, but his former best friend wasn't and didn't like to have more than one friend at a time. His friend made friends with another child at school, then requested that this other child not play with my son. This meant that my son was secluded from that group that formed. (Seclution is a form of bullying.) Rather than fight it, my son really liked the new friend so we'd invite the new friend over to our house and no longer invited his former best friend. Sounds cruel, but I didn't want to put up with the arguing. Your case is different. There is no arguing going on. Everyone plays piecefully; however, only one of your daughters gets invited. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your daughter. It's just that kids are funny. The other little girl might not feel comfortable playing with more than one child. Maybe she's used to having one friend focusing all the attention on her, and she's at that age when that happens. Doesn't matter if she's an only or not. My son's friend wasn't an only. My son is. What you might want to do is to become your daughters' best friend. If only one is invited, just explain that it's ok and doesn't really meant anything. Then let the one invited daughter go play, and take the one that wasn't invited and have a daughter/mom day. Don't do anything so grand that the other will get jealous, but something to keep the uninvited one busy and happy. Maybe do crafts together, paint your nails together, have a picnic in the back yard. You'd be surprised how just having fun with your daughter in the yard might cause the other little girl to want to join in. Read storys and share what you like about your books. If not, you both had a good time.

I think that you should have just asked her. If the girls would usually all play together and she suddenly requested one and not the other, I would have asked her about the difference that first time. Maybe she's noticed something different in how the girls all play--or not--together. Maybe she had a bit of a "run-in" with your other daughter that feels too awkward to mention to you.

I don't know that it would get to the point of "bothering" me because I imagine that I would have asked about it from the start. I honestly can't imagine leaving my child in the care of someone with whom I did not have an established (on some level) relationship and a level of trust and familiarity that would command more clear communication. I mean, unless it's a school or nursery, I can't imagine entrusting my child to the care of someone I only "know" through the children. I'm not saying that you're wrong, just that I can't relate to allowing it to get to this point.

I would not let this bother me. Your daughters are different ages and they will run in different circles with different friends. Eventually, your oldest is not going to want to hang out with your youngest and her friends. It's only a matter or time. I think it's ok if they have different events/activities with friends their own age. As they get older, both your girls will not be invited to the same activities, so this is a first step in that direction. Another option might be to just decline the invites when it's not convenient. Good luck.