Worried Mom Holds Guilt

Hi P.,

First of all, your sec. 8 can be compromised if she and her child move in. That can be a good excuse for saying "no" as well. Secondly, you have a duty to your younger child to have a safe, calm environment. Your older daughter should check out domestic violence shelters in her area or transitional housing. Call 211 if it is in your area for referrals. If you can, find a counseling center with a sliding fee scale and get family counseling for you and your two daughters. Don't let her play on your guilt, she's a grown women now and needs to take care of her son herself. If you think she, or anyone, has been abusive to her son, you can file anonymously with the local Child Welfare Services.

If all else fails and you need to take them in so they won't be homeless, make it conditional on going for counseling. Then, get prior approval from housing so you don't lose the section 8.

V.

http://www.rainbowservicesdv.org/index.php/site/whatwedo/

I also came from a loving family. I have a college degree, yet I got into an abusive relationship in my 30's. Your daughter doesn't need tough love right now, she needs to know unconditionally that she is loved and wanted. You do need to think of yourself first and your own situation. By all means, check to see if you have your daughter and her son move in with you before you take her in. If you all end up without housing you will be in a much worse situation. I just quickly googled "abused women with a local zip code" and this link came up. I would call them and see what information, services they might be able to offer you. Your daughter needs to learn to love herself, to know she is worthy of a supportive, loving person. There are many self-help books that are inspirational, but I doubt at this juncture that your daughter is ready for something like that, although you can try. WHat she really needs is some counseling. Call around to these different shelters, check out some local churches to see what they might have to offer. I offer the following prayers, affirmations that got me through my dark days:

Divine Love works through me and in me.
Divine Love guides and protects me, now and always.
Divine Love prospers me now.

I repeated these everyday, all day until they became ingrained in my soul. I strongly recommend daily meditaion. Just start with 5 minutes. There are several methods. Here's just one link that you can use as a resource. Meditation quiets the mind and will help release anger. It will help you both to focus.

http://www.wildmind.org/

I commend you daughter for getting out of this abusive relationship. That is extremely hard. Already she has shown she has the will, she just needs the direction. None of this works over night. Be patient and have faith.

If your daughter is not open to these suggestions, you shoulc go ahead and do them for yourself. Commit to doing it with your 16 yr old. Maybe the older daughter will be inspired by your actions. You can also use the above afirmations for someone else. After you say them for yourself, simply change the wording substituting your daughter's name for "me."

Bless you.
A.

If your daughter wants to come home with her son and live with you, she will have to be willing to follow your rules. Make it clear that while she is welcome in your home, certain behaviors (or people -- like her abusive husband/boyfriend) will not be welcome. Clearly outlining what is expected of her and what will not be allowed before she moves in should make the transition easier. She should be adult enough to realize that you already have a routine and another child to care for. If she isn't willing to make the adjustments and live with your rules, she will have to find another place. Make sure she understands the consequences for poor behavior and don't go back and forth about punishments. Make sure that you are clear about rules, living arrangements, money, chores, schedules, whatever you feel is necessary. Check with your housing authority to make sure it is okay for them to come, because you don't want to end up out of a home too. I know it sounds harsh, she is your daughter and you love her and want to help her and your grandson, but sometimes making people pay for their mistakes and deal with the consequences of their choices is the only way for them to learn from those mistakes. But mistakes or not, she should not have to stay with someone who abuses her or her son. With love and a lot of prayer, I know you'll make the best choice for your family.

This is one you need to think about. I know that you are not going to see your daughter in the street with a 7 month old baby, however if she comes to your home you need to make it clear that her abusive partner is not welcome and that you will get a restraining order if he comes around creating problems and if she starts to become abusive that she will have to leave. She also need to be actively trying to solve her problem with regards to her getting some type of aid so she can move on, but while she's there she should be of help to you with the household chores and be totally resposible for her baby. If she presents any kind of behavior that is negative nip it in the bud immediately you still have to raise your 16 year old daughter and hopefully your other daughters influence, while she's there, will be positive.
Times are hard as we all know and finding someplace to live is a nightmare with rents sky high and trying to be in an area where it's safe. Emphasize those things to her so she won't take you for granted and think there's an "open door" policy if she and her abusive boyfriend decide to get back together. Let her know it's a one-shot deal and if she messes up she's out.
I can tell you from experience that if rules aren't laid down (and stuck to) you're walking into a nightmare. Two women in the same house is tricky at best but it can work and be a help to both of you but RESPECT is the main ingredient. And talk to your 16 yr old and get her feelings about it afterall it's her home too. GOOD LUCK!!!

NOPE! She is playing the adult game let her be an adult. If you allow her to come back and live with her abusive partner, they will take over your house and you wont have any place to go, they will walk all over you, your 16 yr old will watch this happen and see that the bigger one can walk all over you so she will start to do the same.

Tough love.

This is diffent if she is trying to be a better person and get away from him. Therefore you need her to sign a contract that she won't ever allow him in this house or her stuff will be out on the front lawn the next day. Also she needs to take some counsiling classes while she is in your house on how to control anger and abusive trats.
You need to keep up your end of this bargan though. The first time she has an issue with the rules and contract, she's out. Simple as that. Good Luck! J.

If she has a seven month old son, your grandson, how can you tell her no? As a mother you should be willing to do whatever you can for both of your children, and even if you feel your daughter is beyond hope you have to help her son- he is too young to look out for herself. In the meantime, think about why she is the way she is. Why does she tolerate being in an abusive relationship and resort to violence and yelling herself? Basically I'm trying to get you to reflect on your own role in her life without outrightly pointing a finger. But odds are that whatever affected her has also affected your 16 year old, so your older daughter probably can't do much damage.

In your situation I would use tough love and say "you can come live with me, if..." and fill in whatever rules you feel she would need to follow to keep peace in your house, but don't be excessive for it's own sake. Just, for example, say that her abusive boyfriend isn't allowed in the house or around the child and she can't bully or be abusive towards you, your other daughter, or her son, and that if she breaks a rule she's out, no warnings or second chances. And consider encouraging her to enroll in parenting classes- most community colleges hold them for free.

She is at an age where she needs to be responsible not only for herself but also for her daughter. If she chooses to live with you lay down groundrules that she must abide to or she can find somewhere else to live. If she needs time to get on her feet then possibly offer to take your grandchild in until she can get it together.

First off, don't feel guilty, we all do the best we can, and that's all we can do. Personally, I would not offer your oldest daughter a home, but what about offering to keep her child while she get's her act together. If she's abusive to you, she'll also be abusive to your 16 year old, as well as her child. Also, I have no clue how sec 8 works, but you might want to check with the appropriate offices. Good luck!

She's been out on her own and is old enough to start having her own children, she can work things out on her own. I know it is tough & I know it is easier said than done. One of my older sisters had my first niece when I was 11. Shortly thereafter, she moved back home and lived with us for years (while she was on state aid). Putting things mildly, she was not a great mother and I got very angry at her often because all she did was yell at my niece. It was not easy to have my sister there like that, and of course, she also felt like she was my boss too! That didn't sit well with me. It would not be good for ANYONE for you to let her move in. Pray for her & a good outcome for her to emerge from her! That is all a good parent can do - is pray! Tell her you love her...& will help with whatever else you can, but with this you have to consider everyone, not just her. Good luck & God Bless!!!!

P. Good Morning, If your daughter is an abusive relationship, as a mother you have the responsibility to guide her and protect her but when you mean " she too is abusive and loud" is she abusive with you? You have Section 8, will that be a problem if she moves in? If she is planning to move in with you, It is not advisable for your 16 y.o to observe your 19 y.o relationship since it will only make her think an abusive relationship is normal. Good Luck Y.

I am a 31 y.o happily married mother of 4 children

Set up a few guidelines for her behavior, chores that you can expect her help with etc.. .and the limits that you set on her 'abuser's' visits, but let her come back home for a while. Maybe look into getting some counselling together. It can help a lot with communication. My mom helped me when I was having trouble and I was an angry young woman as well. Now I am 45, with a collage degree, three great kids and a thriving business. I am more grateful to my mother than words can express.
good luck - and have hope.

At first I was like, "NO WAY." but then, when I thought if it were my daughter, I couldnt just shut her out. I would tell her she has one month trial time. Within that time, she is to live under YOUR rules because it is YOUR house. Sit down with her and lay them out clearly and sternly. Tell her your feelings and concerns for the other children there and it's no light matter. She also should be looking and working towards getting her own place from day one. Only if it is working can you decide if she can stay permanantly. But dont tell her that part. Have her think it's temporary until she can set up a plan for herself and make it work. The goal must be from the get-go.
I know you love her. Think of it in the way that you will be 100% helping her...and it IS. This is what a MOTHER does.

Wendy

Hi P., I to have a 19 year old daughter (no baby) and if it was her I would take her in, in a heart beat, but I first would set some ground rules, and and the first rule would be she needs to get a job, I never believed that parents should make it easy for thir daughters who have babies outside of marriage, they need to feel the consinquences of their behavior, but your grandson shouldn't have to. Will section 8 allow you to move your daughter in with you? if so, I would, that's your baby. J.

If you let her come and live with you then i would make her sign a contract that makes her go to anger amnagement classes. And also states rules that she needs follow while living in oyur home like no free babysitting and she has to help clean the house. What ever you want to happen.
Tough love is so wonderful, but tough for all involved.
Good luck to you all

1. Pray, very hard and very often.

2. If your daughter comes to stay, put in writing what you expect. Put in anything about how long, whether you expect her to look for a job, and what behaviors will result in her having to move out. If she doesn't agree to your rules, hard as that would be, she can't stay with you. Offer to help her look for a place of her own, fill out paperwork, and/or babysit while she looks. If she does sign your agreement and come to stay, if she acts in a way that violates the agreement, make it clear that she'll have to move out. You need to protect yourself and your 16 year old. Your girls also need to see how a responsible adult functions, so they can learn to be one.

Good luck! You have a good heart.

It's very important that you remember that your minor daughter in your house takes precedent over your older daughter, eventhough she has a baby. If your daughter is not somebody you think your daughter can look up to, then you cannot let her come back. You can offer to help babsitt for her, but you don't want a repeat of the older one.

Hi P.. I too I'm a mother of a 19yrs old son and 16yrs old daughter. I'm 43yrs old and that is a hard thing not to feel guilty because we love our children!! I think if that was me, i would allow her to come back home but i would be very specific about rule in my house! I think the first step is to leave the abusive situation then deal with her later. She needs to know that you love her first and that you are willing to help her!! Your relationship will get better because she knows what an inconvience it would be for you!! Now once she moves in and starts abusing you then you can kick her out!! Give her the benefit of knowing that you love her and don't want to see her get hurt by this jerk!! She has you! Her Mother!!

Don't let her move in. I don't know what kind of parent she is but it may be worth it to offer to care for her son until she gets her life in order. If she agrees then have her sign over her parental rights so you can get some public assistance to help pay for caring for your grandson. Being 19 and having so much responsibility is hard, but she chose to put herself in this position. Take heart in the fact that if you can help her care for her son, you are doing the best thing you can for her. She is old enough to hold a job and pay rent, but maybe not mature enough to handle the extra responsibility of caring for and paying for a child.

Hi P.

If she did not come to live with you , would she have any other place to go, if the answer is no , here is what you can do, draw up a contract that spells out everything you expect from her, do not leave out a thing, from chores, to attitude, to babysitting, to rent, to attitude with sister, on the contract, if she fails to keep her part of the deal, them also include what you will follow through with, if she is late paying rent them the rent goes up $ 10.00 a day, if she is rude disrepects you then, yada yada yada... if you babysit and she does not come home when she says she is the door is locked, if she does not show up before noon , then you call the police for abandonment, this is not to hurt her but to make her accountable, plus saying to her I will not put up with you being disrespectful, get a job, find day care, time to grow up.

Good Luck

Dear P. H.,

Get rid of the guilt. She is an adult now and you have raised her the best you can. She has to make her own mistakes and choices to fix them herself. First, if you really want to help her, call your local social services and inquire about the housing and placement for women and children in abusive situations. There seem to be quite a few places available. I don't know where you live, but we have several places here where I live. So start calling. Second, get her into a anger management counciling group to help her break the cycle of loud and abusive before she passes it on to her infant. No time like the present to break a downward spiraling cycle. Third, do not let her move in with you. I let my nephew and family stay with me after they were evicted and it was no good. The police got them to leave before a bad situation turned worse. The police officer gave me some wise advice: Never take someone into your home to live unless you want them to live with you permanently. Once they start calling your house their home, they have squatter's rights. It's pretty hard to get them evicted. Finally, get her as much outside help as you can; get rid of your guilt by doing the legwork and calling for her to get the help; remember to protect your younger daughter and yourself from an abusive situation. God be with you.

M.

Dear P.,

I think that the first thing that you should look into would be the Section 8 housing. Find out if your daughter can move in with you through them. My 20 year old daughter and grandson moved back in with my husband and I when her marriage didn't work out, and I still have 3 other children at home. Yes, it's been stressful, but we all talk together and try and set down some rules that everyone can live with. I love having my daughter and grandson here, even though it is crazy at times!! If your section 8 doesn't allow them to move in with you, there are programs that help mothers and children in abusive relationships. And P., please don't feel guilty! As parents, we can only try and do the best for our children with what we have.

Best to You!
S.