Worried About What My Daughter's Friend Said

It wasn't the same situation, but over the years there were several girls I didn't like that were friends with mine. Instead of banning them from being friends I talked about what I didn't like in a non-lecture way and explained why and told the girls I just wanted them to have friends that were good to them and didn't get them in trouble. We talked about how sad the behaviours were, like "isn't it sad that so and so has to make up these bizarre stories to impress you?", "do you enjoy being around so and so?" etc etc

Anyway, in time they dropped them on their own, which I think (for us) works best. The girls are teens now and I know they don't tell me everything, but they tell me alot and feel comfortable telling me. Because I try not to freak out when they tell me what other girls are doing or saying.

I would talk to the parents and to your daughter. Just tell her you overheard (unless you were clearly spying and then you have to decide whether or not to confess) the girl saying she had sex and what you think about that.

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First of all, you need to do what is right for your family. What is right for one family may seem absurd to another.

We have a 14 yr old daughter and we've been through some friends we are certainly not fond of. From experience, most of the girls we have not been crazy about have disappeared from daughter's main group of friends.

Continue to teach your values and things fall into place. They can't be protected 24/7. You must trust in your daughter. No, I do not "ban" any friendships. There is a lot to be learned from different friends, good and bad. I refuse to be so controlling and be the helicopter mom. My daughter knows that we respect her and we listen to what she has to say. Man have I heard some stories that make my skin crawl about some girls. I have been thankful my daughter has told me... " we just don't have that much in common anymore" about a friend.

As for the remarks made by the other child..... She obviously does not come from a stable home. Maybe she was just saying things to attempt to impress her friends. Maybe she felt insecure because you do have a good relationship with your daughter and that makes her a bit jealous.

My daughter had 1 friend who would have over with us if we let her. She hates her homelife. To this day she "couch surfs" where ever she can. Her lack of a father figure was disturbing and made her extremely interested men. She would openly flirt with my husband in front of me and my daughter. We truly felt sorry for her. In the end, I was a part of the friendship ending because of some activity I found out about. Everytime she was here she wanted to go to movies, starbucks, etc and never had $$. We did treat a few times and then she expected it and I figured out that she was using my daughter and our $$. My daughter was hurt and it was the last straw when I said I could not give them $30 for movies and an extra $20 each one Saturday. I could have done this for them but I had had enough. I said no and the friend said " well Erin, let's just use your savings that is in your room". My Erin said..no and we never heard from this girl again. I ended up having to call her mother because of all the clothes she "borrowed" and would not return. These were all high end pieces from Abercrombie, Neimans, etc that I personally was not willing to let her take them. I am not one to ever step in but I wanted my daughter's clothes back. Eventually we did get the clothes back and now when girl and her mother sees us they give us nasty looks like they are mad. Mind you, we had purchased six flags season passes, trips, state fair days and more for this girl.

Sorry for the length, hang in there and don't ban anyone. If you ban someone then they are more attractive for your daughter as a friend. Don't choose her friends either. Do some parents think they can handpick everything including spouses (UGH), etc for their own kids? We have to teach the best values we can to our children and hope they make good choices when we let go and watch them grow into responsible adults. Even the best hand picked kids from good families have imperfections that can be negative toward your child.

Best wishes to you.

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I have an 8 year old girl, who is in "love" with Troy, but would never dream of even thinking something like that! But, when I was 8, I had a neighbor girl who was from a not-so-traditional family, and she talked liked that heavily, and taught me all about sex. She showed me with our barbie dolls, and tended to get me into a lot of trouble. I am from a strong christian home, and if my parents would've only known some of the things that this girl taught me, they would've banned me from speaking with her after having firm words to say to the parents and the girl.
I say, let your daughter know that you heard the remarks, and that those types of things are not acceptable. Talk to the mother, as she may have no idea what her daughter is thinking about. I wouldn't ban the friendship, just limit play times to open-door, limited time playdates.

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I probably would not want my daughter being friends with that little girl either but here are some things to think about. 1. the girl probably doesnt know what sex is either but knows the word. she probably got it off tv and just wanted to sound "cool". she PROBABLY also fibbed about the boyfriend and having kissed him. I used to lie when I was younger too. 8 is definitely young for this, but the girl may not know what she is saying. Someone needs to explain to her that it is not an appropiate thing to say.
Secondly, how exactly would you end the friendship? They go to school together. She can easily still be friends with her at school. They've been friends for a couple of years, you said? Good friendships are hard to break and not necessarily up to you(once they reach school age).
Instead,I think what you should do is talk to your daughter about what is appropriate and what isnt. You don't necessarily have to go into "sex", you can use the word "kissing" instead of sex.
We would all like to keep our daughters innocent but chances are, they are going to find out about sex before you give them the "talk" when you think they're ready. Ending the friendship may not be the answer b/c that girl may not be the only bad influence. Your daughter will come into contact with lots of other people who may do or say things you would never want your daughter exposed to.
So, I think the best thing you can do is to continue to teach your daughter good values and morals. If this other little girl really is as bad as you think,your daughter will eventually part ways with her on her own.

Here is an excerpt from a very good article on the subject you may find helpful:

What's a parent to do when you don't like your child's friends? This situation is bound to arise on occasion because you and your child have different perceptions. Where you see a rude child, your daughter sees a play partner who always has lots of good ideas. Where you detect rampant materialism, your son simply sees someone who shares an interest in stamp collecting or tree climbing.

In extreme situations, of course, you have to intervene. If your son's friend has a great interest in fire and persists in experimenting in your basement, you clearly need to act. If a girl often bullies your daughter or calls her hurtful names, you need to put a stop to that "friendship." But more often the decision will be less straightforward. You understand that your child needs to be able to pick his own friends, but you don't want those friends to be bad influences. Here are some things to keep in mind as you find the balance that's right for you:

The younger your child is, the more control you have over his choice of playmates. Once a child is in school, it becomes less and less practical to make enforceable rules about who his friends can be. So, to a certain extent, you have to accept that the choice is somewhat out of your hands; you have to trust your child.

Although peer groups often exert a lot of influence on how a child dresses or talks, a child's core values are much more strongly shaped by what goes on at home. In particular, they learn the values of kindness and not hurting others in their relationships with parents. I think that it is unlikely that a peer group changes those core values--children tend to choose friends who share their values, if not their outward style.

One alternative to a complete ban on a friendship is to set rules about how the friends can interact. For example, you can make sure that your very active son and his equally rambunctious friend only play together outside, when there is a grownup present.

You can help your child think about the behaviors of her friends. If you notice rudeness or materialism, you can take the opportunity to let your son know how you feel. If a child habitually treats your daughter badly, criticizing or ridiculing her and eroding her self-esteem, you can help her realize that maybe she doesn't have a real friend there. Children really do listen to their parents' opinions on a host of matters.

If you are extremely irritated by the behavior of a particular friend, chances are that your child also is aware of these negative aspects of her personality. Sometimes children need help saying "no." If you've decided that a certain child is truly a bad influence, it's best to give a simple, honest explanation. You might say, for example, "I'm not so sure about Suzy anymore because she always tries to get you to do things that you know are off-limits or says things that are inappropriate. Maybe she shouldn't come over for a little while"

You can increase the chances that your child will choose friends you approve of by participating in community institutions, such as religious or social organizations, where your child is likely to meet children from families who share your values.

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Tracie O gives great advise on this one. Your daughter needs to learn how to make decisions about her friends on her own. It is a great oportunity for you to give your child a chance to make a decision that she will carry with her as she grows.

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Look what is expressed in t.v. every day, she is just parroting (and later will do) what she sees and hears (so will your daughter)! I suggest you get the movie Pamela's Prayer and talk with your daughter. Also, the movie The Pretender(Christiano Brothers films) is a good one for the 3 of you (remember Daddy is a MUST in this) to watch and discuss.

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I was eight when I learned all about sex from a girlfriend who was exposed to far too much info at too early an age. I didn't tell my mother, though. My friend and I were inseparable for 6 years until we moved away. Now, some 40 years later, we are living in the same town, and our friendship took up where it left off. She didn't turn out bad. In fact, she said our family and my mother's example, teaching us from the Bible at night when she spent the night, actually guided her to choose a better way of life. She's been through some very hard times, married (and was a virgin when she married), had 4 children, and divorced, but she's a wonderful Christian woman. So, rather than banning the child, talk to your daughter, teach your daughter, and you'll find she'll choose better. If you overhear another conversation like the one before, interrupt the child and, in a non-judgmental voice, offer the better way to think and act. This is what the Bible calls being "salt and light" to those who don't have it.

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I am surprised and somewhat saddened by how many moms were so quick to say "don't be friends" "get her away from your daughter" - while I wholeheartedly want to protect my children's innocence and have only "the best" friends for them - where is the compassion for this child?? It is obvious she has had a hard time with her mother, now living with her grandmother - she needs love, boundries, good role models and compassion - she probably needs counseling if she doesn't get it alreay. My parents have been foster parents for 40 years and we have had so many troubled kids come through our home - and somehow - I came out unscathed as have my children who have been exposed to many of these children!!!!

I would obviously use a lot of wisdom when it comes to this child, as far as play dates only (probably no sleep overs) - only at your house, only where you can see/hear them - but cutting her out of your daughter's life seems really unloving and harsh - but do what you feel is right for your daughter.

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Do what is best for your daughter. :)

Definitely talk to the girl's mother (and her grandmother if you're worried about offending her). Definitely do not allow your daughter hang out with her. And, I would also probably talk to a school councelor who will be better equipped to talk to the little girl. That way, someone who actually sees the child on a regular basis can watch for any 'problems' that may be going on at home.

First you may need to climb down off the ceiling. If something has happened that this little girl knows to much then she will need the love and support of stable family friends. It could aslo be that she has just been told about the subject and so many people tell their children people do this when they are in love- she may not really grasp it. If your daughter is really bffs with this child telling her she can't talk to her friend is not likely to effective. I would encourage other friendhips, but not cut the cord. That said I would not let my daughter stay the night there until I was more sure of the situation- I'd have other plans.

I don't have a daughter but I am a firm believer that our children will be our babies for a very short time and we should keep them as sheltered from certain things as long as we can. Obviously, you should educate them when the time comes but 8 yr old is sooooo young. I think if it were me I would not want my daughter hanging out with her anymore. This little girl is lacking guidance and it will only get worse as she gets older. If you continue letting your daughter hang out with her, what will you have to explain next? It's a very unfortunate situation as it is not entirely this little girl's fault but you have to do what's right for your children. If you are frienly with the grandmother I would have a heart to heart with her to express your feelings for the little girls sake. She might be better off back with her grandparents.

If you let her still associate with this girl, I would have it be in a group setting that you are also there, like a trip to the zoo etc. No, I wouldn't want that influence on my 8 year old either. If you haveto not let them be together anymore, you could just tell her grandmother that latealy her behavior and talk is completely inappropriate, so you just don't feel comfortable. I personally don't thing this is good for a 13 year old . What happened to values, and you get to know someone, value them, respect them, grow to love them, then marriage and then sex. Sex is supposed to be a beautiful thing, not some meet you once , have a crush, have sex sort of mind set. How can it be special and beautiful if it is treated so casual??

I have to tell you my first instinct is to say she has been sexually molested to some extent by an adult friend of her mother's, or some other adult. Eight year old girls don't normally act or talk that way and don't usually have boyfriends whom they kiss. That is a huge red flag to me. I would encourage you to talk both with the mother and the grandmother (the mom may need someone who can hold her accountable to what she may be exposing her daughter to). I would be very tactful and kind, but very firm in the way I presented this as a deep concern. I would also encourage you to tell the school counselor, so she can be aware of it as a potential issue to deal with. I don't mean to overreact, but I have been around this age group girls as a teacher, a school counselor, and now a mom, and this is not normal behavior.

As for talking with your daughter, wow. I agree you probably need to address it, but I would downplay it as much as possible and follow her lead (only give information if she asks for it). I would be honest, though. I think children can handle honest discussion about anything, but I do think it needs to be moderated according to their age. No matter how mature we think our children are, there are just developmental realities that come into play as to what they can really understand and evaluate. I wouldn't ban the friendship outright, but I would definitely limit it. I think I would explain to my daughter that this girl has issues in her life that are not what you and your husband are choosing for your daughter, and you think it is good to care about this friend but not be too close to her. Good luck. I'm so sorry this happened - it brings a lot on your doorstep to now handle, but that is life, and sometimes that is the best lesson for our children, anyway! God bless.

The word sex is everywhere, on tv ads, radio ads, and in family shows. I actually had my 6 yo daughter say to a friend you want to have sex with him about another friend that her friend likes. I pulled her aside and talked with her and talked later. She absolutely does not know what it means, to her it is just a word related to 2 people that like each other. In your case it sounds like this friend of your daughter needs guidance. When she is over try to have an activity where you can be present facilitating the activity. For example making pizza or cookies. Try to be involved with the conversation and if something like that comes up you can interject into the conversation and steer it appropriatly or educate to what is appropriate conversation. This is hard. If you are close to the grandmother maybe you can speak with her. I actually overheard a conversation with a girl a year older then my daughter (7) and my daughter, and the other girl was bragging about her boyfriend and how at her house they laid on the bed together and kissed. I was so shocked I did not say much. I did ask her if her mother knew she did that and she claimed yes. Oh My! I only knew her parents from sporting events with our kids and did not feel comfortable reporting what was said. I hope you are able to work this out.

Given the situation and that the girl's life doesn't seem too stable, it's probably something said for 'shock' value. Even at 8, they can immulate what they see on TV and know what is 'acceptable talk' around adults and 'envy talk' amongst friends (typically envy being due to something they know the meaning of and another doesn't). Possibly you can arrange play dates where the girls are having fun together while doing activities with you; keeping them engaged in a project (crafts, dress-up, etc.) with you in the room may avoid unwanted discussions but still keep some form of contact.

Possibly a light conversation with the grandmother may help? The mom may be a lost cause on any corrective type conversation and see it as an attack instead of genuine concern.

Ok first I would calm way down and collect my thoughts. You have a good relationship with the grandmother so I think I would start there. Go to her not accusing and do not mention who just that you are coming to her for advice as someone who has raised a daughter and partially raised her grand. Tell her briefly what you heard and saw but say one of the girls not who. Do not mention the not allowing to be friends anymore just the facts of what happened and her opinion. I would then have a talk with your daughter and explain that saying having sex sounds very dirty and it is actually making love and something that 2 people who are vry much in love share together and acting out like that is very inapproperiate behavior. Make sure she understands you know she was not doing it and you are not punishing her you just felt you needed to explain this to her before she picked up on this behavior. I would then invite the other girl over for a day time visit. You have known her long enough to be able to let her know that you heard and saw what went on and in your home and around your daughter that was unacceptable behavior and she would either have to refrain from this or she would not be welcome back in your home. Do not do this as soon as she arrives and do not make it the last thing. Stay back after and monitor the conversation between the girls. If she takes the attitude with your daughter that you need to lighten up then by all means approach her and let her know she was not welcome back to your home till she learns to respect your rules and behavior expectations. She may not be getting any guidence now that she is back with mom. Mom my not be used to her being around and still living openly in her home and inadvertenly expossing her daughter. Good Luck

Everyone has such interesting advice. Honestly, I'm in a similar situation, except it is with my 5 year old boy. For the past year, he has sporatically seen a friend of his (that he went to pre-school with, but they now go to different Kindergartens). Everytime he comes back from playing with that friend, his language and behavior is terrible (talking about cutting a P*n*s off with a knife and talking about cracking his "nuts"). I have been HORRIFIED by this language and decided to end the playdates. It takes me about 6 weeks to de-program my son after he has played with this boy. It's not worth it.

I would definitely not allow my daughter to be friends with that girl....now, however you want to handle that is your decision. Also, I would speak to the parent and the grandparent. It sounds like the grandparent has probably been a stabilizing force in her young life. The grandmother might be able to better handle and change the situation with the girl's behaviour. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't completely explain what sex was all about just because she heard the word. Just tell her it's something that little girls should never talk about and it's something only for mommys and daddys. My daughter came home from school and asked me what it meant when you stuck your middle finger out. I told her it meant a really, really bad word. She then asked me what the bad word was and said that she was too young to even hear the word (she's 5) and that she needed to trust me. Also, you might want to encourage friendships with other girls to help out with the void of losing this friend. have a sleepover, etc. good luck.

Ok, in this case, I would definitely end the friendship, but in the most gradual way. I have had this happen with one of my son's friends that I came to realize was just growing up into a rough, aggressive kid who said unacceptable things and had unacceptable behavior. The problem was I was friends with the mom and she was always trying to "get our boys together."

It's easy enough with a busy life to just always have something else going on when the grandmother calls for a playdate..i.e., you are on your way to visit cousins or other friends, or you have family coming in to visit, or you are headed out to buy school clothes, or whatever. I would actually have three or four things in mind so when they call you are prepared to say no. Over time, the requests will diminish as they realize you are not available. Just make sure you don't tell them something where they can easily check up on your excuse!

I know this is a little devious, but I have found it the best way to retain a friendship without having to have a confrontation where you have to say that you think this child is a bad influence on your daughter. I agree with one of the other posters that while we can't protect them forever, we should let them be kids and shield them from adult issues until they are mature enough to handle them.

I have always observed that kids will always go down to the level of the worst-behaving kid in the room, not rise up to the best, so I have to be honest that I have handpicked my son's friends so that his friends are all exclusively good kids from good familes with parents who are involved and reasonable about dealing with any issues that come up. If they put "overcontrolling mother" on my tombstone, so be it! Good luck.

I would ban her from coming around anymore. Girls like that just tend to get worse. Don't worry about who you offend!!!