Won't Get Ready for School

I know you both work full time. I think it is very natural for your little 4 year old daughter to want to stay at home where she feels the most secure instead of being pushed into a very competitive world where she is not surrounded by people who love and cherish her. Our children long to be at home most of the time. This is where they thrive, where they are loved, where they are nourished, where they feel secure. I don't know what to tell you. I don't blame her for wanting to be home...

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Oh my heavens yes. I fought that battle forever - including the day I sent my daughter to preschool in her PJs because I warned her that I would if she didn't comply. She didn't care. <sigh> What finally worked for me is 3-fold. 1) I let her pick out a big girl alarm clock. It's a Princess clock from WM that shines the time on the ceiling & also serves as a nightlight. her instructions are to turn the alarm off, pick out her clothes from the pre-selected outfits in her closet, and come downstairs to our room for our morning "beauty routine". 2)(I've already prepped everything we need the night before & been up for an hour so I can shower & dry my hair, let the dogs out, and whatever else before she gets up) We brush our hair together in our undies & camisoles, brush our teeth, apply lip balm & a dab of perfume - whatever you want to do... 3)Then we race to get dressed first. If SHE wins, we go to McD's for breakfast. If I win, it's yogurt & granola. She wins at least 1 day a week.

This gives her mommy & me time, makes her feel like a grown-up & my only morning aggravations are hairy 4-legged ones or 1 grown-up male ones that I can holler at later ;-)

1 mom found this helpful

I have just made a little progress in this arena myself, and it took me finally being serious about consequences. I told my son I was no longer going to ask him to do things 6 or 7 times. He would get asked, and then get one warning, and then he would lose privileges. So I ask him to put his shoes on, and if he doesn't, I say, "This is the last time I am asking you. I am going to count to five, and then you are going to go put your boots on, and if you don't then you won't be watching TV after school."

It's really made a big difference, but he had to face the consequences a few times first. It's still not an automatic process, but at these ages (my son just turned 5) they still need some reminders.

We have a child who is 9 and still like that (he is autistic, although some kids are just like that). What works best for us a laid back approach- give them time and let them decided to do it. The other things that works really well for us is rewards.

Make something special for breakfast, and tell her she can't have it until she is dressed and has her shoes on.

I had a very hard time with my 5 year old getting ready for kindergarten. I've found that 2 things have helped. First, instead of just waking her up and draggin her out of bed, I wake her up with a short book, sometimes 2. This gives her time to stay in bed, but let her mind adjust. The second thing that really helped was I found an old clock (not digital) put pictures of what she should be doing by that time. for example, when the long hand is pointing to the "10" (which is really 6:50) I put a picture of a potty, meaning she should go potty first at that time. I then spaced out pics of toothbrush, clothing, hairbrush, cereal bowl, hat and gloves, backpack, and schoolbus, all the way until 7:30. I actually did this with 2 clocks (one up in the bathroom and one in the kitchen) She loves this because she can actually time herself. It's almost become a competition for her. Good luck! I hope this helps!

Hi J.,
I have often had the same battles with my 4 1/2-year-old girl, and it can be a very frustrating start to the day. I can't say we've conquered all of those battles every day, but here are a couple things that have helped. The main thing that seems to get her motivated is having a race. I race her to the bathroom to see who can get their teeth brushed the fastest. I often race her to see who can get their coat on and zipped first, who can get to the car first. It's frustrating she just won't do it herself, but it takes very little time, puts a smile on her face, and makes things less crazy. Hair brushing still needs work but we are doing a free trial of a computer program called Reward Board, and that is actually helping in many areas, including hair brushing, listening, talking nicely, brushing teeth to name a few. It's very easy to use, calculates points when you earn smiley faces, and they can earn any reward you want to make up. You can download it and try it for two weeks. In addition, I printed off a sheet that says Listening and Talking Nicely, and if she gets five X's in those categories, she doesn't get her smiley face at the end of the day. She gets stickers when she does do those things, just a couple a day, and she seems to enjoy it. It's often difficult to stay with something like this, but hopefully we can because it's really helping. My daughter isn't a huge eater in the morning, but she often watches a movie while I take a shower and just eats a bowl of cereal or banana or something then. Having a strong-willed child can be very overwhelming sometimes and if you're like me, it can just ruin the whole day. I know we have many battles ahead, but for now things have been improving, which is a huge blessing. Making things a game for her seems to really help. I really hope you're able to find something that works for you. Have a great weekend!

Hi J.
I have daughter who was the same way!! Do you think she is over tired. Did she get up well before she started school. Maybe there is something about it she doesen't like. What has worked for my daughter is a earlier bed time(7:30)and if she gets up and ready for school good. She is allowed to eat breakfast at school which is a BIG deal for her. Have you tried to give her a incentive. Mornings are so Tough. Good Luck :) T.

Make it a game. Can she get dressed before Mom? Can she brush her hair before the buzzer goes off? Can she get her school things ready before you can get your work things ready? Give little updates. "Mom only has to put her socks on and she will be ready to go downstairs." "My purse is ready, I'm putting my coat on now." This worked with our four year old. There was no more battle, and he was really proud when he could 'beat' Mom.

J.,
I feel your "pain" - I have a four year old son, and we have had these battles with him since he was old enough to talk! I think some of it is personality/temperment. Having him get enough sleep is our biggest weapon, followed by a combination of routine, rules (ie., no breakfast until you get dressed), and consequences (if I count to five and your teeth are not brushed, your cars get a time out today). Nothing works perfectly and what works one day does not work the next. I wish you the best of luch, and if you find a magic solution, please send it my way!

Every kids is different. It's hard to say what will motivate her. Here's a couple tacticts to try:
*Race her - see who can get out of their pjs first, mom or daughter?
*reward cards - make up routine cards where on one side is a picture and a word for each task and on the other is a big gold star. Put a magnet bar up and put the cards on there. Her challenge is to do each task herself and see how many gold stars she can get. You'll need to do it with her at first.
*non-monetary rewards - no tv, internet, games, etc... until she's dressed and ready for school. If she's ready in early enough she can spend what time is left doing whatever it is that you've chosen to motivate her with.
*immediate consequences - a little "if you don't start doing x by the time I count to 3 your going to get a time out" never hurts

Whatever you do be consistent. We've done all of the above with our 3 yr old son. The reward cards helped him learn what's expected of him. We no longer flip them over every time we do a task but they are up as a reminder of each of the items he needs to complete. He knows he can't play on the internet until he's done them all. Not only that but he knows if he doesn't get ready fast enough there won't be any time left to play on the internet. He usually only ends up with 5-10 minutes of play time but it's enough of a reward for him. Also make sure your getting her up early enough so that your not rushing through and are able to provide a little relaxed play time. The more you rush, the more she'll resist.

I would recommend the book "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" by Jim and Charles Fay! They have a whole section on this issue, plus lots of other great advice for making the days easier! But take it all with a grain of salt, there are some things I don't agree with, I just pick and choose what to try.

J.
Have you tried to let her pick out her clothes the night before? Also, since you both work, let her know her JOB is going to school.You and her daddy don't make a fuss about going to your job, so she shouln't either. Also, tell her for every day she dosen't battle, she will get a point. At the end of the week (Saturday) she gets to turn in the points for something the THREE of you can do (zoo, skating, etc...) you get the idea. If you make it worth her while, usually kids respond more favorably. Goood Luck
A. S
Mother of 3 girls aged 9-23

We were having the same dilemma! It drove me to take a parenting class, which helped in many areas. The bottom line is that my daughter just did not want to go to school. We talked and there didn't seem to be any problems at school, she just had more fun at home with me. That said, my parenting class helped me with a plan.

I bought an inexpensive clock and popped the clear plastic cover off the front. I put a heart and diamond sticker by the hour and minute of the time we would be walking out the door for school. Then I put the same stickers on the corresponding hands of the clock. I snapped the plastic cover back on and hung it next to her closet in her room.

I talked with her teacher ahead of time and told her about "the plan." She said she had three students with the same problem the year before, and she was happy to work with me.

I took my daughter aside that night and told her I loved her too much to nag her and fight with her in the morning. We were all tired of that - we agreed. I told her we would be walking out the door in time to get to school on schedule. If she wasn't ready on time, I would put the remaining items in a bag and she would have to dress at school.

I was a nervous wreck. My daughter sat on her bed playing with her cats - in her underwear. When it was time to go, I wrapped a blanket around her and sobbing, she walked barefoot out to the car. There was lots of drama, and it took everything I could muster to follow through.

Being a strong willed child, she tested me another two days, and I just bagged her clothes up and took her to school. I genuinely sympathized a lot with her about the sad situation she had put herself in.

This became her problem to deal with not mine.

Now, we have NO problems getting ready to go. She later decided to put her clothes on the night before so she can watch a few minutes of cartoons in the morning. I thought that was a good solution, so I let her.

About eating, I tell her, "I will be cleaning up breakfast in 10 minutes. I hope you have eaten enough to last you until lunch time." Then, I follow through.

at the start of school my son didn't want to get ready for school...i talked to his tweacher and she told me that is was alright to send him in his jammies to school!!!!!! guarnteed he wouldn't go the next day to school!! just a thought!!!

had that prob too...i put my daughter in the car and took her to school in her pj's...told her that she will go either with her clothes on or her clothes in a bag. Did that once, and have never had the trouble again. May sound a little harsh...but the key is consistency with only one warning.

i had the same problem with my 5-6 yr old boy, and we finally found that a sticker chart worked for him. we had a row for each activity that we needed him to do and we had a "magic circle" randomly on each area and each time he did each activity he got to put a sticker on the next circle. each time he got to a "magic circle" he got to pick a treat from the "magic circle bucket" little things like stickers, erasers, little plastic cars, gummy candies, etc. we used this daily for quite a while, eventually doing these activities became a habit and he outgrew the need for the chart.

Well, when you figure it out, let me know! ;o) I have 4 year old twin girls and have the same problem with only one of them. They both go to bed at the same time, they both get up at the same time. I believe it is just their personality. One is very controlling and has a hard time transitioning. The other likes to look pretty and get dressed, brush her hair and teeth herself and actually tries to help her sister! I'm hoping it will get better with age and when they start to develop a better sense of "pride" and self-respect. It's not just the morning that she has problems, it can be anytime of the day that we need to get ready to go somewhere. Good luck and remember to breathe - they are only this age once! Seems like we both got a lot of advice and suggestions - thanks for writing!

Try setting a timer. Get dressed within 2 minutes, eat before 10, brush your teeth before 3... Sometimes it's a game and they like that. Sometimes they miss it and breakfast is off of the table. Prepare to handle some fits by just moving on. Prepare the teacher that you are trying this. Most likely you'll have to say, or so sad for you, you have to go to school today without breakfast. Hope that work out. Then the next day do the same. She will probably make better choices. You can say, how did that work out for you yesterday not having breakfast? Were you hungry? What do you think you are going to do today. Ok - good luck with that choice. Give her some power - do you want breakfast or get dressed first. Do you want the blue skirt or the purple.... That will make it easier.

Try getting her to bed earlier. When my son started going to school he did this and I moved his bed time up in half hour increments and now he is up before me! Typically they are just tired. If she is going to be like that in the morning no matter what she is old eneough now to be learning consequences....if she wants to stay up later then she has to get up and get dressed nicely until she do that you have an early bed time. Sometimes it will put a cramp in the parents lifestyle but it is soooo much better once I trained my husband on this issue ;)

We get our 5 yr old son dressed the night before. Yes he sleeps in his clothes. This makes all the difference in our mornings. As far as breakfast....if you want to make sure they are eating something and they wont sit down and eat how about a cereal bar? They can eat it in the car if that is allowed. I also had a daughter that hated to have her hair brushed. We took her and got a very cute short hair cut. I have raised 5 and have 4 still at home.

I could have been reading a post that I wrote. Right on down to the both of us working full-time and home life being qaulity time. With us - we have kept her crib up and that is where she goes for time out. She is unable to get out of it so in the morning when she goes into "her routine" we say do you want to go to time out and she screams nooooooooo as though I told her to jump off a cliff. That calms things down a bit. We just started it so hopefully she'll catch on. Another one we use more frequently is turning off Dora the Explorer if she won't let us put her coat on. Hang in there!

My kids go to bed at 6:30 every weeknight and get up at 7 am for school & preschool. My 5 year old is the hardest and I just tell her that if she needs more time we can go to bed earlier and get up earlier. That gets her going.
You have to mean business though. The other thing is that getting her hair fixed is the last thing we do and if she doesn't have time for pony tails and braids then she doesn't get them.
Good luck,
J.
Mom to 4 and soon one more through another adoption.

J.,
My husband and I had this same issue with our daughter. What we figured out was that she needed more control. So we got a dresser and put all her clothes in it so she could access them. Then everynight before bed we tell her to pick our her clothes for the next day. I had to give up a little of my control( ie. not carring if the outfit matches perfectly, but still insisting that it is weather appropriate) and it has worked wonders. There are still times when she had a bad morning but all and all our mornings are much better.

I've been having the same issue and I am going to try a countdown timer. There is the Time Tracker from One Step Ahead or the Countdown Critter kids timer. They have a countdown digital timer that you can set for however much time you need, but it changes color from green to yellow to red so they have a visual reminder instead of having to know how to tell time.
I love the picture clock idea, but I think it would get confusing because her preschool schedule is different MWF and TU Th. But if you had the same schedule every day that could be really good.

Hi , I had the same trouble with 3 of my kids, so I put it to them like this, when you can read the funnies to me, cook

Dad and the rest of us by following the reciepe then you will have to also know how much money u will need to buy the food and pay the bills, then you can stop going to school, until then, STAY HOME AND STAY HUNGERYand I hope u will wise up....

My suggestion is put her to bed earlier. My son battles me nearly every day- and we are now 7-I have him on an earlier bed time, and things seem to be improving. (Yes I am late for work every day as well)Battles and screaming matches in my home first thing in the morning are a real downer for the day. Good luck

I am a grandmother but this worked for my two girls. Have you tried letting her help pick out her clothes to wear the night before? When she gets up in the morning she will know that the clothes she is going to wear she helped pick out. I also had a routine that the girls knew they had to follow to be ready on time. I didn't fuss at them about their rooms until after they got home from school. All they had to do in the morning was get ready for school. I also would let them pick what cereal or breakfast they wanted. They loved frozen waffles. I didn't mind because they were easy to fix. If they got cold because they dallied they had to eat them that way. Your daughter might just be trying to show a little independence. My granddaughter is nine and her Mom went through this with her. These ideas helped her I hope they help you. She only has problems now when my granddaughter doesn't get a full nights sleep and wakes up still tired.

Mornings is not my thing also. Have you tried getting ready the night before. Such as have them pick out the clothes they will ware, pack their lunch the night before. Or what also works for me is make it a game. See how fast they can get dressed, brush thier teeth. Of course this means you play along. Each day of the week pick a different thing to see how fast you can do it. Soon or later they don't fight as much. It's more fun for them and you.

LOL! Sorry not meaning to be rube by laughing, I just went through the same thing with my daughter.She is four also. She is just testing her bounderies, yet again. They are getting older and know they have more responsabilities and they are seeing if you are still going to do everything for them. Just talk to her, let her know how much her helping you guys, by getting herself ready, means to you. Tell her that being a family and working together is the best thing a family can do. Next morning, if it continues. Ask her(it may sound harsh) "Do you want to be a part of this family?"
Depending on her answer is how you would react. She told me "no" so I told her fine if your not ready by the time I am, I am leaving with out you... and do it.(not actually) go out to your car get it started and sit in it for a minute. Come back inside and say "Get your things and get in the car, NOW!" Then once in the car tell her next time you WILL leave her there." I did have to do this, fortunately I live in a apt complex with only six units. She watched me get in my car and drive away.(I only drove to the back of the complex) and then went up the back way to the apartment. It got her attention though. I havent had problems since. Some times you have to do tough love, it hurts when your doing it but its the only thing that works. Thats why they call it tough love.

I would talk to the teacher and see if there is something going on at school, if there is that may be way she doesn't want to get ready to go. If there is nothing going on, try getting up earlier and letting her do it at her own pace, just remind her what needs to be done and maybe a timer would help' "you have to be ready before the timer goes off" maybe a dry run on a weekend to see if it would work. Good luck

Since I had to work and my mom watched my daughter for me, this is what she did. She would set a timer for everything. If she was eating she would give her say 10 min. When the timer went off and if she wasn't done eating, too bad, the food was taken away. When she had to get dressed and brush her teeth, she'd do the same thing. If she didn't get it done before it was time to go to the bus, she went as she was. It doesn't take them long to figure out that they don't want to be going to school in their pj's or being hungry. But it cuts down on the fighting over it which just gets everyone irritated. Hope this helps.