Wondering About Another Baby...

i don't know if anyone ever knows for sure if they are done, i know that you don't get a letter in the mail or the doctor won't tell you you are done! i think a lot of people are happy when they have a boy and a girl, and many times they keep going to have 3 or 4 children to make that happen. of course, there are so many things that can go wrong with babies that are conceived after age 35, but if you go to a reproductive endocrinologist, you can sometimes overcome that part. But, if you have 4 healthy children now, these days especially, that is still considered a big family with a lot of love! in 4 more years, you will have a 13, 12, 10 and 6 year old, and if they are involved in extra-curricular activities, you and your husband will be lucky to get all 4 of them where they need to be! right now, it's easier with having a 2 year old, because they probably aren't involved in anything yet... i think people can get addicted to being pregnant or having babies because there is nothing more precious and more exciting than the birth of a baby, but, there are so many wonderful things that can come from just focusing on what you have and forming even closer bonds with the children you have now, and being happy and content with the fact that you have been blessed with so many children already. i think the peace you are looking for will come from just stopping for a second each day and focusing on the smile of each child you have.... and thinking how lucky you are to have each one of them, and how lucky they are to have each other! and also, the idea that in 10 to 15 years from now, right as your youngest is going to college, that your older children might be bringing home grandchildren, and they will be more than happy for you to help them with their kids! and then you will have the joy and excitement of babies all over again! from what i've heard, that part can be just as wonderful! i guess the real question to answer is this... if you have another baby now, or in a few years, is that what's really best for your children? will it add more love for them or add something that they want or need, or will it take time away from them that you could be spending with them? but ultimately, i only think someone should have a child, no matter if it's their first child or fifth child, if they have a burning desire within themselves and won't feel complete without them. if you are on the fence, i think that is your answer for you....maybe you are done and fulfilled, but it's just tough dealing with the fact that maybe the newborn baby days are over, but as i said before, that's only a temporary thing.... i don't like when people just want to have children to fill some society quota, or to have as many children as their parents had or something else like that, (and i'm certainly not saying that you are doing that!) but so often, that is what happens and then people start feeling like their children are chores or tasks, instead of the incredible treasures that they are! and i feel that you are probably the type that does cherish each child and looks forward to making every happy memory with them! if your family feels complete now, then it is! keep us posted!

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Think carefully about the resources not only you and your partner will have to provide but also the planet.
This is not only a social issue it is environmental.

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Reading your request, it sounds to me that you would very much like at least one more child, but that it's not the best time right now and you're afraid if you wait it would be too late... and that you're trying to reconcile your fears of waiting.

Which is totally valid. You could wait and not be able to conceive, or worse. You could wait and have no problems at all. I think it shows a very thoughtful and mature approach that you're trying to see if you would be able to mentally/emotionally handle the worst case scenarios.

Obviously you're the only one who will either "know" or be able to reconcile. Here's my experience however:

1) Every decision I've ever made based on fear (except flight/fight type...I'm talking a life decision based on fear)... has turned out very very badly.

2) I would LOVE to have a huge family... between 5-10 kids. Big, loud, boisterous... would absolutely love it. Twins, triplets, singles... bring on the fun. (I too come from a large family -oldest child-, and have friends with large families, and simply love the lifestyle.)

I can't. I shouldn't, because pregnancy hormones trigger a cancer response in my body, treatable but painful and dangerous... and I won't because my husband is not a kind man.

What I've had to do is reconcile my actual life with what I want. I've had to decide what is important to me *right now*, realize that I have at least a modicum of control over the situation (I could, for example, leave my husband) and that a lot of life is simply based on luck and how we deal with what life throws at us.

If I never have any more children, I may be wistful (can't guarantee grandchildren either! I'm the only one of my siblings who wants children...so there aren't even nieces and nephews on my side... and my mum who could reasonably have expected a LOT of grandchildren only has one)... but it won't destroy me. There may come a time in my life where I choose to have more children, either biologically or adopted. There may not. And I'm okay with that. Some people wouldn't be... but I am.

I think we all reach a point where we're happy. Either with who we already have in our lives, or the potential of others, or both. I know moms who are "done!" at one or two or three. I know moms who keep having children until menopause (because they want to), & I know moms who keep having children even though they don't want any more.

Whatever decision you make WILL be the right one. To wait, not to wait, or to be done. You'll find the answer that makes you feel right in your heart... because you're LOOKING for the answer. You'll find it.

:) R

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J.,

It sounds like you have a very deep question in your heart. I can't tell you how to answer it: I can only share some things I've learned from my life.

Planning is nice, but the fact of the matter is, we don't get to make all the decisions all the time. Some babies come along that are genuine surprises. Mine was. That's not to say he was unwanted; my husband and I were thrilled to bits. Surprise babies are gifts, either for ourselves or someone else, and we love ours very, very much.

Had you asked me if I was ever going to have children at that time, I probably would have told you no. I won't go into all the reasons, but I was pretty sure parenthood wasn't in the picture for me. So despite what WE think, we can't always be sure.

Peace is elusive at times, especially when it comes to matters like these. We decided to stop having children after our son. It was a decision we both had a lot of peace about, and my husband went in and had a vasectomy. That's how sure we were.

But I had to rest in an uncomfortable space with that for a while. Sometimes the questions are supposed to sit with us, not to torment us, but to give us a chance to live in them a little bit. Imagine what the possibilities are like having another child, or not having one. If it doesn't feel right either way, you can use contraception for a while. I know women who have had no trouble conceiving into their 40s. Every woman is different, and 35 is not the 'end of everything' the way a lot of books and articles make it out to be.

There are other options to consider. If you change your mind down the line and feel your family needs to be larger, adoption can be a wonderful opportunity to share your family's love and resources with a child.

All this is to say: take the pressure off yourself. This isn't a decision you have to make today or tomorrow. Take your time. Contact a trusted friend, counselor or other confidant to talk about this with--someone who has no vested interest or opinion about the outcome.

It sounds like you have a lot of interests and balance in your life, by the way, and I think it's neat that your kids get to have a mom that's as thoughtful about family planning as you are. Give yourself time to work through this at your own pace. Let it go for a while...when you least expect it, an answer will come your way!

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I have found that I do not have peace with a decision until I actually make the decision and stop second guessing myself. How can one feel peaceful when they keep going back and forth.

Decide based on your current circumstances. Make a list of the pros and cons, leaving out your wish to have another child. We women tend to make decisions based on emotions and that is frequently not the best way to make them. Approach the decision from a practical manner. You mentioned some practical considerations but it sounds like you keep going back to the emotional reasons that you want another child.

There is no way of knowing what your family unit will be like in 40 years. My parents had 4 children. None of us gave birth to children. I adopted a daughter but that wasn't satisfying for my mother. She knew what she wanted her family unit to be like. Ultimately we have very control over what the future will be like except by making reasonable decisions based on today's life and how it will make our family unit like right now.

You say you would probably be happy with 4 if you could find the peace after making that decision. So make that decision and don't let yourself consider a different decision. I think that you'll find peace.

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J. -
I have a feeling that your responses will be all over the place. No one can tell you if you have had enough children! But, what we can say is our own experiences....
Here's mine.
I am one of 5 children. The oldest and the only girl. When I was 11, my brothers were 9,5,3 and then the newborn (or something like that!). It was extremely hard having that many siblings. I know that you said your husband and yourself both come from large families, but there are definite downsides to being one of so many siblings.
I resented my younger brothers. Or maybe my mother. All I know is I did a TON of babysitting. Someone else said there are extra curricular activities. She's so RIGHT ON! My mother never came to my soccer games. There were three others on the same day! My mom never came to my Orchestra performances at school, she had 4 young boys at home who would not behave for 2 hours at a concert. My dad wasn't home that often, just weekends, because he had to WORK to support all those kids. Feeding that many kids, going to school activities, laundry, soccer, baseball, ballet, clothing them, keeping the house in order...that's a lot to do!
If you can keep your sanity (smile), NOT use the older ones as babysitters, afford it (which is probably very hard with your hubby in school), have time with each kid individually, and your husband is on board (!) then I say go for it.
The woman below me said it best though when she mentioned looking at the happy healthy children you DO have and loving that moment of it.
I would not trade any of my brothers (well maybe one :) ), they are all fabulous people. But, I know that i left home 1 WEEK after I turned 18 to get away from it all!
L.

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Imagine that you're at the doctors office and he's just walked in and told you that for your health's sake - additional children will not be an option. Or maybe your husband has just said he really thinks you're done and he's not on board for any more children.
What's your first reaction?
Acceptance and gratitude for the 4 you've got - tinged with a little sadness for what might have been OR
a sense of real loss and mourning, along with feeling of things being incomplete?

Sometimes examining the response to a situation, rather than an analysis of an issue can yield the answer.

Good luck - either way!

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You sound like a wonderful mother and have 4 great children. What a blessed family...

Have you considered providing infant care in the foster system? I too grew up in a large family (5 kids) and enjoyed it and I have 2 kids (had my first at 36 and second at 37). I would love a 3rd but will not get pregnant again because personally I feel there are so many children here already to be loved... We will look into foster care when my 21 mos son is 3 or possibly adopting.

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Look at it this way...

You will never regret having that child, but you may regret not having him.

Of course, don't ask me. I have six.

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The wisest bits of advice I've ever heard on this subject are the following:

A: Don't have another child until its impact on the family will be a blessing for all concerned. In other words, if another baby will detract from the care, attention, and resources now given to existing children, don't do it (yet, anyway). Obviously, this would result in many families being smaller, and/or more widely spaced, than they are.

B: Don't think about your children as a collective called "family." They are, of course, but they are also individuals, and will have individual needs, preferences, motives and desires. I've had a few friends that came from large families and hated it, though their parents apparently believed they'd all had a blast growing up.

If any part of your intent is to have more siblings for the children you have, have you asked them what their wishes might be? You might gain some clarity if you learned they would be thrilled or horrified.

I'd like to add one more very strong feeling of my own. I limited my family to one child for the good of children everywhere. My daughter has done the same, at least in part for the same reason. I have a strong need for this earth to remain habitable for my grandson, your children, and all future children. Whether it's comfortable to think in these terms or not, the more we contribute to overpopulation, the greater the eventual impact on all future generations. Might be worth adding to your list of pros and cons.

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I would back up Zoe answer. It is a wonderful thing having a big family but at the same time we have to think about our kid's future. The Earth is already overpopulated. God bless you all!

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I don't have an answer for you. I was done with 4 kids and absolutely at peace with the decision. Then, surprise! I got pregnant with number 5. I was freaked out and really worried with how we would handle it. It turns out that number 5 has been wonderful. All my kids have reacted to their baby sister better than I could have hoped. We are all thrilled. Before she was born, I knew I was done. But now that she's here I'm open to the idea of another. All I know is that the Lord has a plan for me and my family. I'll keep going as we are and try to figure it out as we go. Good luck with your decision and I hope you find joy and peace with your family.

Why don't you just let it happen. If it was meant to be then you will become pregnant and if not then you know that your life will be fulfilled with the 4 wonderful children that you already have.

I guess the real question is, do you feel called to have another and can you do a good job for another? I too have 4 children. I had the last 2 when older than you are now. The youngest is 3 month and born with me in my 40's, not totally sure we are done, like you our family did not at all feel complete with out him.

I too wonder about another. I don't feel I must make that decision right now. The biggest factor for me in deciding is simply can I do a good job at the same time? I work and take the babies with me always while I work. I also do much work from home and take the older ones with me while I work, but it is difficult and some days I feel I have more on my plate than I am handling well.....

You do not say what kind of support you have around your family, is your extended family in the area? Are your older kids helpful? How is your health, do you have lots of energy and stamina or no?

I would not worry about your age right now if your health is good. Your health is so much more a factor than your age, I am healthier now than I was in my 20's and I am now in my 40's.

I would pray about it, I would talk with my husband more about it, I would talk to my kids about it. I would talk to others with successful families that you admire who have that many or more kids....

Don't let other's opinions of larger families make your decisions.

I am one of five children. With uneven numbers, especially as the family gets larger, someone is ALWAYS left out or excluded. People have a natural tendency to pair off. Just something to consider.

I say go for it! Trust your gut instinct. You will never know for sure if it is the right time, if it is good for the family, etc. There is no way baby #5 will not be a blessing. My husband and I have three children with the fourth on the way. I would love five children, but we started late. I am 39, and very tired with this pregnancy. But who knows...maybe a fifth one is in our future. Good luck!

J.,
Only you can decide whether you want and need another baby. The thing that I see in this day and time is: Do you have the money to raise them with all the things that all the other kids have that they are gonna want and/or need. If you are wealthy then I would say go ahead.
I had 2 other sisters. I was the middle. I had a terrible mother though. She was partial to my younger sister and pitted us all against each other so no one would know what all she does (in partiality) for my younger sister and her kids... (because she does absolutely nothing for the other two of us or our kids). I have always wanted to live way back in time so I could be like the Waltons or some kind of big family with lots of brothers and sisters... kind of like the show Brothers and Sisters on Sun night. (that may be the modern day Waltons) I like the idea of having a big family and I would have loved to be a part of a BIG family but my situation (when I was born) didn't allow and now it is kind of like being on my own with no family now; just my husband and our baby daughter.
I wasn't able to have a big family because I couldn't afford to have more than one.
Some families are meant to be large and some are not. I think that you have to follow your heart, consider your husband's feelings but yet make sure that you have the money to support them.. and I don't mean money to raise them either... I mean... when the other kids in their class go to disney land... do you have the money to take your BIG family on a trip and do things with them. Depending on the disposition genes they are given, they could resent not being able to do things like the other kids do or they could be just as satisfied staying home and being "the Waltons".
Being that I come from a bad family and I feel so alone without family now... I would love to have had a BIG family and NOW I would say I don't care if I ever get to go to disney land as long as we are all happy and love each other. But would I have said that when I was a kid in school and listened to all the other kids talk about their fun trips? Maybe you all can afford all the kids and trips too. I don't know.
You just have to follow your heart and TRUST your instincts.
I know you will make the right decision. I hope this helps.
Just weight it all out... and if it helps at all... you are just 35... you may not think that you have much more time but I had a baby girl when I was 45 and she is healthy and perfect. So you still have lots of time.

Dear J.

Nobody can tell you what decision to make. If a specific soul wants to come through you into this world they keep after you until you decide one way or the other. At 35 I told the soul who wanted to come through me that it was no longer possible. To please come as my grandchild. My Mission in this life time had begun and it too was calling me.
Every month I continued to want to be pregnant with that soul. Years went by and then he was born to my daughter. I am really close to my grandchild.
This is a decision you not only have to make with your husband but one to pray over as either choice one day will be irreversible.

First of all, you don't have to make a rush decision. 35 isn't 'old' and while you make hear the ticking of your biological clock, you still have penalty of time to make a well thought out decision.

While I struggled with the thought of adding one more child to our family after I had our first two, a girl and a boy, and everyone telling me I had the perfect family, I knew that we weren't complete yet. My husband and I talked about what we wanted. What our kids needed. What they would need. Time is the most important thing you can give a child, that and love, but you need to be able to spend time with each of them. We have three kids, our 3rd is a boy who has made us complete as a family. After I delivered him I knew, I felt our life was full. As the kids have gotten older, money is an issue, as they're all in college, and making sure that we have enough to satisfy their wants, needs and dreams is challenging, but we're working together to make it all happen, for all of them. Yes, there are larger families out there, like the Duggars and their 19 kids, but not everyone lives in a huge house, has the time or the energy to home school their kids. Their kids parent the younger kids, they help out raising their siblings.

It's a decision that you and your husband need to make together. If he's still in college getting his doctorate in music, is he a music teacher? Is he teaching in the K-12 system or at the university level? The reason I ask is that many school districts are cutting their music programs, and while his doctorate would garner him a higher wage in his job, he first needs to keep the job in the school. So your husband's ability to bring home the bacon to support 5 or more children is something to consider, and if need be, would you be able, willing to work outside the home to help support your family? Then you need to see how much daycare would cost, and when you subtract those costs from your wages, how much more are you adding to the family budget? What costs are there to your kids that can't be measured in dollars and cents. In our home, my husband and I worked opposite shifts of one another, trading our kids at work, as we both worked for the same employer. Our complete family time was on the weekends, and we did that until our oldest was a jr in high school and I retired from my job after 30 yrs at it.

In closing, you've got time. You'll know what's in your heart. Talk with your husband and make the decision that's right for all 6 of you now. Whatever you decide will be the right choice.

I think you're overthinking and planning too much, personally. My advice... if you're ok with the idea of having another, then let nature take it's course... if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then accept that it wasn't meant to be. I believe things happen (or don't happen) for a reason.
I know that when I got pregnant at 19, it was nothing I would have ever planned. But... learning a month later that my dad had brain cancer and was dying, and having that baby to get us out of bed and put a smile on our faces when all we wanted to do was cry, was the reason I had him... he got me, and several other people, through the hardest thing in our lives. Children are a gift.

I think it sounds like you want another one and you should really follow your heart. You know the risks after 35 so if you feel ready, go for it. If you dont, it sounds as if you may regret not having another one later! Please keep us posted :)