Wit's End

Hi Sheila!!

I am so glad to hear that a Working MOM is finally getting a clue as to what it all entails! We get a bad rap because we choose to be SAHM, but it is alot of work as you are finding out!! Hang in there, you will get it!

On another note, you need to get some support from a MOMS CLUB!! I am the membership VP of the SE Allen MOMS CLUB, but we are out there every where! We are a national non-profit, non-religious organization of support group for SAHM!! We have Playgroups, MNO, parties, movies and just getting out of the house to meet other moms is awesome! You will feel less isolated and more in tune w/your kids! I don't know what area you live in, but check out the website of www.momsclub.org and click on your chapter link of where you reside.

Also helps if you have at least 1 to 2 days a week for yourself. There are MDO programs out the ying-yang girl and they all have different times and programs! I love mine!! Go Kids Kove!! Anyway, get out of your house, if you don't you will be depressed.

another great website to find stuff to do www.aroundtownkids.com

Good Luck!!

G. B.

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I understand but it will get easier. I'm in a moms club www.mops.org They have groups all over the metroplex and meet once a month and provide daycare for your meeting. They also get together for playdates and moms night out. A mothers day out program will help to get errands run and the house clean. I don't know if you have the oportunity but I had to be out of town one weekend and my husband got a clue as to just how hard it is to get things done. Hang in there! :0)

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Hi you are not alone. Support is the first step. Ask for help, not just from DH, but from other women who have been there. You didnt mention which area you are in, others have mentioned Moms Club, and I would love to tag Mothers & More. We have two chapters in the area, Mid Cities and Greater Lewisville, that covers most of Denton county. If you are close, we would love to have you check us out. www.mothersandmore.org is our national website. I am part of Greater Lewisville, we have a diverse group of ladies most of which who have altered their career to better fit their family. This group changed my life four years ago when I joined. I just cant sing their praises enough, check out the website and give the welcoming coordinators a call or email.

P.

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I went through a little depression, felt lonely, overwhelmed, and completely unproductive when I left work to take care of our son. My husband tried to be supportive and understanding, but how can one really understand without going through it personally? I had huge goals for our marriage and as a parent, but having never even witnessed what I wanted, it was that much more difficult to figure out at the beginning. Now we're in a good place and things seem like they're moving forward. For us, routine is key...with some fun stuff in between.
The way I do it is Mon, Wed, and Fri I am "all mom": we spend time doing cool activities, lots of dancing, lots of reading, picnics, little trips to a park or something, and on Wednesdays we go to Gymboree so that I can talk to other moms at the same time I'm playing with my son. Tues, Thurs, and Sat I'm still mom, but those are days when I take advantage of things that can keep him occupied and I do all the business for the household: bills, shopping, laundry, and cooking meals for at least 2 days while I'm in there is a biggie. I might have one meal going in the crockpot, one in the oven to freeze for later in the week, and something going on the stove in preparation for that night.
If you list what "chores" need to be done that week, then divide those chores into 3 days (except your basic daily stuff like making the bed, etc), then you can schedule your days a little better. Get up a little earlier than your children if you can and make the bed, get the laundry going, pick up the basic clutter and then you'll have a few things done before breakfast time. I just started viewing mother/wife roles as my job and tackled it accordingly....with a dayplanner, lol. It sounds a little anal, and it does take a couple weeks to get it down, but now our days run smoothly. My husband doesn't think I'm forgetting or neglecting him, I don't have to search for a place to sit down, and my son is happy and has weekly "adventures" to keep him growing.
After I got this down pat, I added Sunday to the mix: we get up and my husband makes a nice breakfast, we go to church together, and then after church I go to work at Babies R Us (partly for the discount, partly for the adult contact, and mostly to get away from being a mom or wife for 1 day/week). My husband takes our son that day and does guy stuff: he may read, watch a soccer game, or go to the park, but it's good for both of us. Good luck finding your own groove. Hope this at least gave you some ideas.

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I am also a SAHM but I am single, and I spend my days taking care of a 5 month old and my invalid mother so that my dad can work. It's super hard!!! My best advice would be to take things one day at a time. Oh, and try fly lady. The site is awesome!!

You should try FLYLADY.NET. It is awesome site that helps you get simple routines in place a small step at a time and helps you declutter your house. All for free. I absolutely love that site and so does my house, my boyfriend, and my laundry!!!!!!!!

I agree with being organized. I stayed at home for a while and even ran a daycare for a few kids. My own children have always been on a schedule, which make the day a little easier. They would also nap at the same time after lunch everyday, that was my time. It's a 2 hour nap that my 2 yr old still takes now, and I use it to get things done around the house that I can't with her, as well as just taking a break. I do all of my laundry on the weekend and just try to keep the house organized, and maybe do a deeper cleaning every other week or even once a month. Definitely have your 2 older ones put away their own things. I've now offered my 8 yr old allowance, but he has to keep his room clean, his bed made, and his toys put away everyday, and it's working like a charm!!

Great responses, so I don't have much to add but this -- I will absolutely echo the lady who mentioned getting the kids on a schedule and using at least some of the naptime for self-care. I think sometimes that the only thing that kept me sane!

I tend to be a little compulsive as it is, but I really don't know how families do it without a schedule and routine. It makes things run so smoothly.

And at naptime, take at least 30 minutes to just...sit. Put your feet up. Breathe. Listen to how nice and quiet it is. (I still do that after the kids are in bed.) Take a little nap. Read. Something just for yourself. It could be your sanity-saver.

Just learn that a clean house is not the most important thing. Just spend time with your kids, & everything else will fall into place. Teach them how to pick up after themselves, so that you don't spend the majority of picking up their messes.

It took me awhile to realize that a dirty house is not the same as a cluttered house. Put everything back in it's place...just don't worry about how clean everything is. Organization is key!!! Don't worry, you're not alone in these feelings. Even the most organized person feels like this.

Try www.flylady.net Don't get overwhelmed, you don't have to do everything all at once, just do what you can do. :)

Being a SAHM is definitly not a breeze. I have been a SAHM since my daughter was born 4 years ago and it definintly keeps me hopping. I think that it is a misconception that a household run by a SAHM is always sparkling and shiny and every meal being home cooked and still having tons of energy left. Thank-you Donna Reed. My standards of clean have definitly gone down some since having kids. There are certain things that will be messed up 5 minutes after I straighten it up; that is unless I do it after the kids are in bed. It amazes me that the kids have an endless supply of full on energy until the moment at night where they sit still for 30 seconds and are out for the rest of the night!

I bet you are a WONDERFUL mother, and that the reason that you are feeling like a failure is because you have idolized staying at home with the kids in such reverence and in a way that is impossible for most of us. Any one with happy, well adjusted kids is doing a fab job, and I bet the kids would take having more of your attention over a totally spotless house any day. You just need to re-evaluate your standards and rearrange and relearn how you do things. For instance to have more home cooked things for meals that don't cost any more you can look online for quick fix recipes or one day on the weekend make several meals for the up coming week and freeze them. That was you only have to defrost and heat the rest of the week. I bet your 3 year old would LOVE to help you with chores while the baby is sleeping. My daughter loves helping sort the laundry, put them in the machine fold it (yea its not as neatly folded as I'd like, but it makes her feel good). She also likes to get her little broom and help sweep when I sweep, and she is awesome at dust busting the crumbs my son leaves behind. If you get your son helping now, he has fun and learns a valuable leason also. Plus he gets the pride in helping Mommy.

I also know your difficulties in getting out of the house!! I have a 4 year old and a 9 month old (plus I am 10 weeks pregnant) and it takes planning and advanced work to get out of the house in any kind of quick fashion. I often wonder how working moms manage to get everyone out of the house in time to get to work!

If you want an adult that understands to talk to, I am would love to meet you. If you are interested email me: ____@____.com

A.

I found making a daily and weekly schedule helped. Pick a day or 2 for laundry, another day for cooking(making meals ahead of time-this day I need a little help from dad) etc. Also on the schedule, I make time for kid activities like story time at library, or go to gym/pool/grocery store, etc. You can also change it if you need to, but it also helps keep you on track for the day. It helps me to feel more organized. You can make it as detailed as you like; down to the hour or just break it down into morning, afternoon, and evening.
I also try to put all kids down for their afternoon nap at the same time, so I can do some quiet chores that require more concentration and less interuption.
Also, we have gates to keep the kids and their toys in the play room and not all over the house.
I also went from a full time office job to staying home with 2 kids and then I decided to start a day care.
Good luck

It's very hard and yes, most people won't get it unless they've done it. I work at home so there's an added level for me. You're not a failure!
1. I'd suggest that two of your children are old enough to pick up after themselves and should learn how happy that will make mom and then she'll have more time to go do fun stuff with them (natural consequences). They can also learn to fold clean laundry and put it away for the same reason. Treat it like a fun teamwork thing with a natural reward - "now we have time to play a game or watch a movie together." They won't be fast at it or very good at it at first, but you are planning for the future here. So don't be critical if the laundry isn't perfect.
2. Your crock pot is your friend! Get to know it. (So are paper plates.)
3. Start a craft or an art activity at the kitchen table when you need to do kitchen work. Once the kids are engaged in it, you can move in and out of it while loading/unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen.
4. Also involve the kids in the kitchen. They can learn a lot of simple recipes and will get a kick out of eating something they helped make. Teach them cleaning up after cooking is part of it. My daughter (also 3) loves to make muffins for breakfast using one of the enveloped mixes. They are super easy to make and some brands actually have vitamins in them. The nice thing here is you are getting everyone fed and also spending time with them.
5. Remember perfectly clean houses only exist on TV. (Well, actually there are a few people out there that have nothing more interesting to do...)
6. A bi-weekly or a monthly cleaning service may be worth the $$. They can just come in to do the deep cleaning/heavy cleaing stuff. It's a real stress reducer and worth the money.
7. Personally I don't watch any tv whatsoever. For me it's a huge waste of time. My daughter has a few programs she likes so it's not that I have anything against tv. I'd just rather be learning something new on my computer or checking stuff off of my to-do list.
8. I keep a notebook around. I make a prioritized list before bedtime for the next day and it helps me organize tasks mentally so that I can be more efficient the next day. And it feels good to check stuff of :-) Plus if I have written it down I am not going to lay awake thinking about it.
9. Relax. They are only little once and I keep hearing it goes by fast. I don't want to miss it. Don't forget that in the end you won't be remembered for how clean or dirty your house was anyway. You're hopefully making a lot of lovely memories for you and for your kids.

Sheila,
Welcome to the hardest job you'll ever love :) First, give yourself a break. Your home will never, never, never, never, be free of clutter, or perfect. Just decide what is most important to keep clean. For me, it was the bathrooms. After that, I hired someone to come in and just clean what I could afford, my bedroom, the living room. Later I realized that no amount of cleaning was working, so I just hired a gal to come in and do my laundry every two weeks. My house may be a mess, but hey my clothes are clean, ironed and put away. I promise you, it does get better. Well, it only gets better as the children get older if you train them to pick up after themselves, how to help clean etc. Now that you stay at home, support yourself with other Moms. There is a group called MOPS, and check the church you attend. All Moms feel as you do now at one time or another. Also, Moms Day Out, different Churchs offer this service, is a must. It will allow some free time for yourself. Again, don't be so hard on yourself. I bet you are a great, great Mom. Last, get yourself a crock pot. God Bless!!

Hi Sheila,

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. Being a stay-at-home Mom is a lot of work. We don't get enough credit until one experiences it for themselves. I've been an on-again/off-again SAHM, so I can relate going from one status to the other. Take time for yourself and try to enjoy the time with your kids and realize that it all doesn't have to get done in a day. Easy for me to say, as I haven't mastered that myself. As soon as my kids were old enough to help out with things, I started teaching them. My kids are now 15 and 10, but were taught as soon as possible that before they could play with another set of toys, they had to pick up the ones they are playing with first. That task has proven to be more difficult now than it was then. :) They have also made their own beds for as long as I can remember. They are never too young to learn how to take care of things and take care of others. Well, maybe your 9 month old is too young. I would strongly urge you to get your two oldest involved helping you out. The more hands you have helping, the sooner it gets done, and the more time you have to spend with them doing fun things.

You are not a failure. At the end of the day (and the beginning and middle for that matter) your kids aren't going to sit back and look at what you haven't accomplished around the house. They aren't going to see you as a failure, they are going to see the wonderful Mother that you are.

When my oldest started school, he started establishing relationships and I started establishing relationships with his friend's parents through different school activities and functions. Parents who are in the same situation as myself and those I, and they, became to rely on for help with each other's kids. I'm not telling you to get involved with your oldest at school, but it certainly helped me. We're all human, we all have faults and needs, and we all need help sometimes. It's a different crowd of people that you become accustomed to....working Mom's vs. SAHM's.

Anyway, I can ramble on forever on the subject. Just find some time for yourself, even if it means taking a nap when your kids nap. I know some pre-schools offer a Mom's Time Out where you can drop your kids off for a morning or two a week so you can do whatever you need to do. Relax and enjoy the time with your kids. It really is rewarding for both you and your kids. Good luck and I'll say a prayer for you.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It is such an adjustment going from work to home full time and no one gets it but another stay at home mom. I know with summer here it will be even more difficult, but have you found a moms group? There are so many support systems that are out there Moms Club, MOPS, your church may also have something. I belong to a moms group through church in Flower Mound called Busy Moms and Women at it got me through. When I was at home with a barely 2 year old and 2 month old when my husband went off for training for his job for 4 months. Talk about feeling unconncted. My moms group helped. Another think that help was planning the meals for the month and fixing them at one time so that I just had to throw things in the oven. I also during that time assinged myself one task per day. (ie. Monday bathrooms, Tuesday vaccuum, Wednesday dusting, Thursday Bills) once I complete my task I felt like I had done something so I could play with my kids. Hope this help!

I run a day care at home but I do not have a husband to care for too. We have a schedule to follow. All the kids take a nap from 12:30,1:00 until about 3:30 and that is a great time to do washing and cleaning up. I also cook dinners for lunch so they have play time. Then we do an activity or watch tv. Then it is lunch time and then nap. After nap a snack and more time or outside time. That time also is fun to do bubbles. But I also clean until 1-2 am and have it all ready. Bathrooms clean and floors. I usually vac now in the morning before kids arrive. I devote my time to them when they are here and when they live I run for more food. I have all the work to do as washing ironing and yard and house to keep up so there are times I just get behind. Then I get that spirt of energy to get to drawers or garage or vac and wash the car. I try to clean out the refer before garbage day and then I know what foods need replaced. I can not clean all day like I used to when I had no kids around. I just do a section at different times. Even if dad took the kids to lunch some time to give you one hour or two makes a big difference. I love being home. We do a lot of fun stuff. WE get loud with music and dance then quiet time, then loud fun time. We transision and I do different things so they do not get bored. I will add more toys or books we can take ideas out of. I teach them all the time manners and how to set a table and how to wash and how to care about each other. I hated working for others. I love this and I get hugs and kisses every day. Hope this helps. G.

Father, my friend Shelia wants nurture well. it's hard for any of us who like to have things under control to realize just how that is almost impossible with small people! The are a bundle of irreconcilable paradoxes and havoc to schedules and routines. Father, no matter how many books I have read or notes I have taken in classes on godly parenting, I always end up on my knees before you asking for your wisdom and some patience (not too much since it comes by out living trials!) and order in the chaos. God I know what it's like to feel like the house and kids are in control of me. I ask that you refresh Shelia's spirit. I ask that you place encouragers in her life so that she doesn't get bogged down with a sense of failure and stress. Father, help her relax and at peace with the tornado that staying at home can seem like. There is no end to laundry, dishes, and tiny needs so refresh her often to keep her feeling competent. Help her see the victory in the small things like keeping a toddler fully clothed and neat all day! Help her see the success of hug when the child needs it rather than the child having to wait until the daycare provider is free for a second. Help her find reward in the sunrise and sunset she can show the kids as they play together. I totally had to have a reset button on my mind and heart about how I measured successes before I could love staying at home so I know how tough it can feel. But Father you have taught me that it's about relationship not task. When I can see health in the relationships I have with my family, then the piles of clothes, dishes, and carpooling is a joy because I am making a difference in this career. The career of being a stay at home mother. Bless Shelia with a sense of success. Place order in her chaos and peace in her heart and home! In Jesus name-

Hi Sheila,

I completely understand! I have several friends who have gone back to work and declared it a million times easier than staying at home!

I've been home for 6 1/2 yrs now, and would not have mentally survived without my MOMS Club (I know Plano has several chapters...check out www.momsclub.org to find one). Having an energy outlet for your kids and a social outlet for you is priceless and necessary.

The cleaning/laundry/food prep is never-ending. Especially when you still have little ones at home full time. The best way to work thru it is to find a way to be very organized: Plan a week's worth of meals at a time and write them on your calendar...when your brain is dead at the end of the day, just check your calendar to see what there is to make. I also use my crockpot alot...makes life soooo much easier & you can find tons of crockpot recipes online.

Schedule the days that you will do all the laundry. I have 2 kids and do all the laundry on Tues & Fri, with an extra load of towels in between. If you don't schedule it, it will build up on you!

Cleaning: In my house, it's a daily thing. Every night after the kids go to bed, I pick up and run the vacuum. I deep clean my bathrooms on Mondays and just do a quick wipe down on Fridays. I usually get around to mopping and dusting once a week. If my house appears clean for at least 5 minutes, I'm thrilled!

I also work from home but can usually fit that in in-between naps, during the kid's favorite shows and after they go to bed.

Probably the most important thing to realize though is that as long as you have little ones at home, your house will not be spotless, there will always be laundry, and everyone else who has little ones has the same issues. I read a quote once from Phyllis Diller that is so true: "cleaning your house while your children are growing is like shoveling the walk while it's still snowing".

Hang in there....the years they are little may be stressful, but they disappear in the blink of an eye!! Best of luck!

I've never been in your situation before, but I do know that when you are not in the habit of taking care of your kids full time life seems crazy when you are. Give it time and you will work out a system that works for your family. Being a business woman you probably know how to run things very well. It's just a little different in your home, but you can do it there too. Please don't be discouraged, your kids need you and love you very much. You don't want them to feel like you don't want to be around them....they can sense a lot from their momma!:) Just make a list of what you want your home to be and what you would like to accomplish each day and make it work for you! Good Luck, I will be thinking of you often! :)

Hi Sheila,
Well, I also struggled and have been up and down on this transition. I agree with the organization part that has been shared with you...I am still working on this. I am trying to use suggestions on FLYLADY (online), but for some reason she overwhelms me. You may find it helpful. I do parts of it...makin' it my own, I guess. But as for the endless housework...I heard a lady at church discussing how your work at home is a way to minister to your family. Doing all the mundane chores is serving God (not sure your beliefs, but this helps me SO much). My perspective has never been the same. I really try to not just do the chore at hand, but to be grateful and do it in a joyful spirit. Is it always roses? No, but it has taken the resentment and frustration out of my day for sure. Definitely getting out helps...I try to designate errands/playdates on specific days, so I can plan better. Having a good schedule that is flexible helps....be kind to yourself....and treasure this time....

K.

Three words- MOTHERS-DAY-OUT! You do need a break. I have been a SAHM, but still never seemed to get it all done. Then I started my own business & now REALLY never get it all done, & I miss being able to be so flexible with my kids & not such a grumpy B seemingly all the time.

There is a fine line. I think b/c we see the home all the time we feel more pressure to be June Cleaver, but it just doesn't work for some. If you're a career woman, you're probably used to a schedule. So, making & keeping one at home may be a good idea for you. Just keep it loose. There are TONS of things to do out there w/ little ones now. Do some research & make some dates! For the flighty artists & similarly minded, I think it's harder to get a schedule set. So, you've got one up there, for sure!

Also, the key to staying sane is not getting isolated. It is very easy to do. So- church moms, park mom, playgroups, kiddo classes- check them out!

Good luck! Just know- it is worth it, it just takes time to "get it." Now that I'm not at home as much, I really realize what I'm missing!

D.

Don't feel as if you need to keep the house clean all the time. Enjoy your babies, they grow really fast and you will not get that time back. The house work will always be there. Do what you can and if you are having a hard or even a good playful day with your kids, don't worry about the house work. This will help you to keep sane. Hope it helps.

Playgroups!! Get out of the house at least once a day. I know it's hard with two little ones... but it's worth it! Pick your times to clean, and your times to relax. Your 3 yr old is big enough to pick up after themselves... so be sure that she is. Make sure the kids have a place that they can play and keep their toys, but don't allow them to just roam around the house. It really helps out a lot!

When my little guy turned 18 months, and didn't need me as much I started my own network marketing business... so now I have something that is for me. It was a great way to go for our family... and I feel like I get that intellectual stimulation, and still get to stay at home with my boy!

Good luck, and congratulations on staying home! I know it's tough... and Dad's often don't get how tough it is... and there isn't much appreciation for it... but it's SO worth it!

Oh, honey! First, you are not a failure, this is just a new job you have to learn to do! My kids (DD7, DS4, DS1.5) are the first job I ever took seriously. I didn't get very good at hte housekeeping thing (after #2) until about 9 months ago. My trick? www.flylady.net Her system is great, you tailor it to fit your needs, but for the first 31 days, you just do what she tells you to for that day. It's never too much, and it completely got me over feeling overwhelmed! Now, my house isn't perfect, but it is at a point that I can have company come over with only 15 minutes of work (including a quick "spruce-up" vacuum)... I still can't let them into my bedroom, and the kids need work on theirs, too, but the "big 3": kitchen, living room, and bathrooms are clean; the rest of the house is getting better day by day (most days). I homeschool the older two, and we have a school room set aside for that as well, and it is clean all the time! (major FlyLady miracle!) Anyway, I could really go on and on about what FlyLady has done for me, but that would take hours, and it's my DS's turn for the computer, so check her out!

Also, park days help a LOT for everyone's sanity (once we have done our minimal chores for that day, and thrown dinner in the crock pot www.savingdinner.com)

Hi Sheila,

How old are your little ones? I have two girls, 3 and one. It is hard, and I used to feel pretty frustrated. I also work from home, so that adds another thing I have to fit in. You are definitly right-getting out WILL help! I promise, it makes HUGE differernce. Yes, it is a pain to get out with two in tow, but it is well worth it. It makes my day go by much faster, and they enjoy it whether we go to the park or to a frinds house for a playdate. there are also lots of moms groups around-you migth try that. It would be good for you (adult interaction) and for the kids (playmates).

Since I work, I also have my girls in MDO 2 days from 9-2. That has helped trmedously. It gives me time to get stuff done, and they love it. Finally, I joined a gym (the YMCA , actually) in January and that ahs really helped. I take yoga 3 days a week and really look foward to that bit of me time while my girls enjoy playing.

I love my kids so much, but on days when I don't get out of the house at all, I feel much grumpier, and none of us are as happy. You have to tkae care of yourself to-your kids will be all the better for it and so will you.

i work, but on weekends i feel the same way, and find my self ready to begin work again by monday. lol! so i find that going places, even cheap places, works, gets you out of the house, even calms the kids down alot so they won't mess up as bad by the time you get home, make daily activities and nap time to have for your self. make rewards and activities for clean up time. make a chart together with your children, paint, oh painting is a good one.