Wisdom in Dealing Wtih a Difficult Situation

C.,
I wish I had a magical answer for you, but I don't. I am responding because I want to say NO, I do not think you should just write off the relationship with your Mom. I think you will still suffer hurt if you do. Obviously you care about her, but you are still allowing her to get to you too deeply.

I think you will have to be a work in progress. Are you as hurt as you used to be? Probably not. You are probably learning how to accept your Mom for who she is while simultaneously learning to protect yourself from her behavior. And please.....Do know it is okay to protect yourself. Ask your husband for support in accepting Mom the way she is.......I say this because sometimes spouses can "fuel a fire" instead of helping you "put one out."

I'm not saying he should not say what he did, but now that your Mom has decided to react so poorly possibly he can help you shrug it off. You can help each other.

You can't change your Mom, but you can do your best to deal effectively with her. I'm sorry, but from what you describe I'm afraid that may mean not always being yourself and open when you are with her. You may need to make a few changes in how the visits occur. Strategize with your husband and I believe time will heal and help you.

Sorry this relationship is not what you want it to be, but that doesn't mean you can't have one at all.

Best of Luck

4 moms found this helpful

If I don't treat my mom with kid gloves it will result in behavior that is childish as well. If I do decide not to mark my words on occasion I have no problem dealing with her "silent treatment" gig. When she's ready to talk she'll call me and act like nothing happened. You KNOW her, so I dont think you should let it bother you. If she thinks she's hurting you by not talking to you and she likes hurting you that is just "sick". I would try to be more casual about it. Dont take it personal, you know she has problems.....If you are wasting time being "hurt" over probably nothing that is YOUR fault not your moms.

3 moms found this helpful

I'd bet all of our moms have their "buttons", their "soft under-bellies" and we all avoid topics or minimize discussion on topics that we disagree on with them--the vigilance is probably proportional to their inability to deal with the differences.

Wondering why your hubby would make "a very pointed comment to my mom regarding something she was doing that we do not come eye to eye on" as he most likely knows her fairly well.....

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds to me like your mom is dealing with depression in addtion to the anxiety disorder. Because I have a very close family member who I dearly love I have learned about depression and all of the ways it impacts the depressed person and relationships. She sees everything as a personal attack - they can't differentiate between something done unintentionally that's annoying, or soemthing that's done intentionally, on purpose intended to annoy. Responses are disproportionate - things that are bad are horrible awful. Things that make us feel sad are instead tragic to the depressed person. A mild discussion about a difference of opinion becomes a huge major confrontation in their mind.
Keep this in mind with your mom - you have only one mom - and as you said, no siblings. Sounds like you are mentally healthy and that you love your mom. Let her know that you love her, let her know that you don't want to hurt her and that you want to always find a way to work through honest differences of opinion. Send her a card or note - handwritten and give her some time. God will honor how you honor your mom - and your kids will learn from you by example. Good luck mama!

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Hi, you didn't mention what the comment was to your mom, so it is a little hard to advice you. The first thing you have to realize is you were a guest in HER home. Then you have to ask yourself was it even your husbands place to make a comment to your mother. You don't see eye to eye on something, but unless it was about you, then the comment probably was out of line. my mom is dead, i had many regrets of things i should have said and done, don't make the same mistake. J.

Updated

Hi, you didn't mention what the comment was to your mom, so it is a little hard to advice you. The first thing you have to realize is you were a guest in HER home. Then you have to ask yourself was it even your husbands place to make a comment to your mother. You don't see eye to eye on something, but unless it was about you, then the comment probably was out of line. my mom is dead, i had many regrets of things i should have said and done, don't make the same mistake. J.

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I wanted to thank you for your post. Your mother sounds very much like I used to be and so I am looking at things from her perspective which is different from most of the other writers. I know nothing about your mother or what her life circumstances are, so I can only speak from my own experience. I was severely abused as a very young child and it did a lot of damage to my emotional and social development. When someone said something that hurt me, I just disconnected. It had nothing to do with the other person or with the validity of what they said or did. It was a defense mechanism to protect myself. I didn't know any other way to respond. As a young child it kept me alive but as an adult it hurt every relationship and made me a very lonely and unhappy person. I finally got professional help from a competent therapist. It was like getting a new pair of glasses - no, even more dramatic than that. It was like getting a new pair of eyes and having everything seen in a completely different perspective. I would suggest that your mother's problems have nothing to do with you or your husband but have to do with how she feels inside herself and how she views her inner world. I don't know if she is open to therapy. Many people are very resistant and the slightest hint of suggestion that she is suffering from a mental illness is so stigmatized and terrifying that this approach may not be possible with her. If she is taking medication for anxiety perhaps her physician would be in a better position to make a referral for an assessment. These conditions can sometimes be caused by early childhood trauma and sometimes by brain chemical imbalances. There is often a correlation between the two. A competent therapist can help her with these issues and a psychiatrist can prescribe and monitor medication to help with the brain chemistry issues. Of course, your mother may not be able to even look at these possibilities. In that case, continue to love her and pray for her and know that God understands all things. Give her periodic pictures and updates on your child (children) and keep your children safe from any unhealthy or abusive experiences. You may also wish to document dates and places and the triggering topics. This may be helpful in the future.
You don't mention your father and how he handles these situations. Is he in the picture? Is he supportive? Does he also respond in this manner? Were your mother's parents like this as well? I am so glad that you got therapy for yourself and are working on breaking this multi-generational chain of unhealth so that your children can have a more promising future. I wish you and your family all the best.

H. T.
Torrance, Ca

2 moms found this helpful

Ah, family. We love them, but they exhaust and frustrate us.

You're right, her behavior is immature and hurtful; just realize that she does not, and never will, see it that way. It's not as if she knows that she's being self absorbed and alienating. She's convinced that her behavior is not only justified, but virtually inevitable.

I can't really tell you why you allow yourself to be hurt by this, except to say it's the same reason your mother allows herself to be hurt by the fact that people don't always agree with her. While you're thinking, "How can she do this to everyone around her?" she's thinking, "How can they do this to me?" I'm sure she allows the fact that you're an only child to ramp up the indignation on her part.

I view any kind of communication as an effort to help people understand others and their feelings, and I am forever butting heads with family members who feel that verbal communication is like a dance, and there are certain patterns everyone should follow. If you give a response that it outside the pattern, well, that's just rude. So, I'm frequently dealing with people who are hurt or angry because I said something they found unacceptable, like, "I like the blue one," or "My kids are in bed by then," or "I don't care for rare beef." I don't get it at all - this is no reason for anyone to be upset - but they cannot believe that I don't follow the "rules," and never disagree in the slightest. They are very much of the opinion that there is only ever 1 correct response to anything. Variation of any kind is not tolerated.

It also exhausts me that these same relatives find direct, clear communication of any kind to be just lower class and rude. They hint and hope people pick up on the hints. It's just exhausting. I'll take something literally - something like, "I don't make a big deal out of birthdays" - and they'll be furious and hurt because I didn't do the opposite of what they actually said. I am baffled by this. I am also baffled when I say something that I think is very clear, and they'll assume I mean the opposite. If I MEANT x, I would have SAID x, not y! Sigh.

Anyway, just be aware that you can do nothing about her behavior. When she gets in these moods, just behave as if it hadn't happened. If you normally call her every week, call her every week. If you normally e-mail every day, keep e-mailing. Don't try to talk her out of her funk, or apologize, or expect her to apologize. Just keep everything very normal - "Johnny did really well on his science test! We're so proud!" - and leave the ball in her court. If she chooses not to respond, OK. If she does respond, OK.

Hang in there! You are certainly not alone.

1 mom found this helpful

My only idea is to basically send her a copy of what you put into this post. I only say that if you think you may be headed for another year of no communication (or more). I honestly don't know if that would work or just serve to make her dig in her heels but I can imagine how painful it is to consider have a surface type of relationship with someone you love dearly. If you can communicate to her how much it hurts you to be given the silent treatment, maybe she will respond. At the same time she may resist opening up when this pattern of behavior has become her way of dealing with any conflict. Good for you on seeking therapy. Sometimes the best you can do is not to repeat the same mistakes in your own life.

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Is she this way with everyone?
If yes, then don't take it personally.
Just chalk it up as something she does.
When she sulks like this, just pretend she's off on a long trip somewhere and she'll come back when she's good and ready.
If you don't let it get to you, the only person playing this game is her and she can play solitaire as much as she likes.

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It's only been 2 to 3 weeks since Christmas, so maybe she just needs more time. It's apparent that even though you haven't talked to her, you're fairly certain what she's upset about so the remark must have been pretty pointed. And it's true that there are ultra-sensitive people who can sadly end up isolating themselves - so I hope she opens up to you. I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope you find a way to communicate with her.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello, While her behavior is immature, perhaps your husband's opinion was not necessary. You didn't say what he spoke to her about. It could be that this is not the first time this has happened and she is also very hurt. She really should talk about it, I agree, but I just wanted to say that perhaps all of you should think before speaking.
Good luck.
K. K.

1 mom found this helpful

I sat here reading your question almost thinking "wow is she talking about my mom?" Only I'm one of five. Girl, I'm 42 years old and my mom is the same way! It took me YEARS to get to the point where I am right now. Have you ever heard the saying "giving someone you're power"? We all have personal power inside of us, its what makes us get through life. People like your mother try to steal your power. They aren't even aware of it most of the time. So you have to learn not to give that power to her. Another words, don't let what she's doing or not doing hurt you. You have that right to say within yourself. Because I used to do the same thing, call and she wouldn't anser, I'd leave message after message. Then when she was done being angry she would jut be like nothing happened and we'd never talk about what happened. I would ask my grandma why my mother was like this, and she'd explain how she grew up, her illnesses, all the medications she has been on. But it doesn't excuse the behavior does it? I mean even throughout all of that, we still are in control of ourselves to some degree. My grandma would answer, you have to love her inspite of herself. She's not going to change so you need to understand her and love her regardless. Ok I'm 42 and I've done that but not giving her the power to hurt me took many more years to acheive. When she won't talk or gets "ugly" and seriously sometimes it could be someone just looked at her wrong. Instead of caalling n calling her, I call once....leave her a message that I love her and leave it like that. I walk away and go on with my life. No longer paralyzed by hurt and guilt. I just know life does not stand still no matter how hard we want it to. Eventually you learn to continue. Now she doesn't do what she did to me when I was younger. She stopped trying to hurt me, realizing it really doesn't affect me much. Think of it like the school bullies. They do it to get a rise out of you. When you don't it stops being fun and they walk away. Don't write her from your life, just write her a different script as to where she fits in your life and you will be a healthier person in the long run! Take care!
M.

If you know how sensitive your mother is, why would your husband say something so pointed to her? In her own home?
Okay, so you don't see eye to eye on something. You don't say what it is, but was making a point worth her feeling criticized? I understand you think your mom is being immature, but has your husband considered apologizing to her? Being right about something isn't always all it's cracked up to be.
I don't advise writing your relationship with your mother off over something your husband said to her.
Maybe she just needs some more time to get over it.
I don't think you should have to be afriad to say any little thing to her, but I know with my mom, some subjects are just best left alone. For instance, I didn't agree with how she handled things when my grandfather died. It caused a rift between us and as time has gone on, we can talk about him, but nothing to do with him being sick or passing away. Neither one of us bring it up. No good can come of it. There are things with my own sister that I dare not mention because absolutely no good can come from it. I have a very good friend whose dog is the most ill behaved animal I have ever seen in my entire life. I don't agree with the way she allows it. But, it's not my dog, it doesn't do structure damage to MY house and ruin MY furniture. She knows her dog is a monster. I don't even like going over there. What good would it do to bring it up and rub it in all the time? Nothing I say will change anything.
My point is, sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Apologies aren't one of them.
I don't think the apology should come from you, though.
Your husband doesn't necessarily have to apologize for WHAT he said, but maybe for saying it at the wrong time. Maybe for saying something that would make your mom upset enough to not want to talk to you?
You can be mad at your mom and feel hurt by her, but she has some issues and you're well aware of that.

She's the only mom you've got. She won't always be here. Maybe she's got some depression on top of anxiety. It's pretty common.
I feel for both of you, I really do and I hope you can get it worked out.

Best wishes.

My mom is the same way and has cut so many people out of her life for the slightest perceived "wrongs," including each of her children at some time or another. She is also extremely critical of other people, making nasty comments about and criticizing the most mundane things, sometimes to the point of real vitriol. She constantly complaints about petty things other people do "to her" to hurt her, when in reality those things are not intended to hurt her at all and really have nothing to do with her -- she just doesn't agree with them and takes it as a personal affront that people don't agree with her or don't do what she thinks is "right."

She now has very few friends and only the most tolerant of family members will even bother to keep in touch with her. She lives in a town where many of her relatives live, yet she hardly ever sees any of them -- they don't much care for her, and she doesn't much care for them. She seems to think she is better than everyone and doesn't hide this in her behavior toward people, including family. They don't visit her -- in fact, few even bothered to visit her when she was hospitalized and almost died last year. She rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and she will blow off a relationship over the most petty of "offenses." Yet, she will complain when she isn't invited to a family get together. She doesn't get that people just don't like being around someone they constantly have to walk on eggshells around for fear of offending, and who has an obvious air of superiority.

After she and my little sister (who also tends to be very dramatic and selfish) completely ruined the day I graduated from law school with embarrassing tantrums (in stereo!!), I also saw a therapist to try to figure out how to deal with the relationships. My therapist suggested (without diagnosing her) that my mom may have narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. I read a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and that helped me understand her personality and how to deal with it.

My mom and I didn't talk for six years after the graduation fiasco, even though my brother tried to intervene and told my mom she was not being fair to me. When I learned that she had cancer, I decided that I didn't want to have any regrets, so I contacted her. She was glad to hear from me and we started talking again. She actually said to me "I forgive you for what happened in the past" (as if I needed forgiveness!!). But, I decided not to let her pettiness get to me anymore. She made it through the cancer treatment (I stayed with her for weeks as she went through chemo and radiation, driving her to appointments, cleaning up her vomit, and taking care of all the household chores).

We still talk fairly frequently. If she gets angry or hurt about something I did or said and I don't feel she is justified in being upset, I don't let it get to me at all. I don't apologize, I don't try to contact her to smooth things over. I just let it go. If she is hurt by something that she really has no reason to be upset about, why should I apologize or feel guilty? If she wants to stew over it, she can and I won't feel bad or that I should try to do anything about it at all. If she wants to complain to other people about it, so what? I don't call her or email her -- I just let her get over it and wait for her to realize how petty she is being. I ignore the bad behavior and usually she gets over it and calls me (and acts like nothing is wrong). I don't succumb to her "guilt trips." I simply decided not to let her have that kind of control over me anymore. I won't be made to feel guilty for something that she doesn't have any valid reason to be upset about. Taking that power over me away from her has made her much less sensitive. She only acts that way to try to control me. If I don't let her control me, she stops acting that way.

Does she see a Therapist, herself?
She very much... needs to... along with taking any anxiety medication.
Unchecked and without proper professional guidance and/or treatment... you cannot expect her to heal herself nor to self-manage......

I would, speak to her.... about getting Therapy for herself. Not just taking medicine. Unless a person learns.... how to self-manage... a medicine will not be a magic-bullet miracle eraser of their issues.

The other way to handle it is this:
Simply do NOT expect anything of her.... because, she cannot do what you expect. She has her own issues. And cannot satisfy.... you nor anyone else.

C.
I am so sorry that you cannot have a better relationship with your mom but it sounds like she has some real issues that you cannot solve. I know you wish you could solve some problems but you are not her psychiatrist. if she is not talking to her own sister who shares so much DNA and history that has to tell you something about where her head is at. You have a young child and need the support of a grown woman. Family is all around you, Find the ones who can support you and love you. A neighbor, an aunt, a cousin, a female minister, your husband's family. Surround your self with women who can counsel you on babies and marriage and support you and not ask you to walk on eggshells and conjole them into being your family. You need support to be a mom, not strife. I'm not saying turn your back on your mom, continue to love her unconditionally, send her pictures and notes, just find others that you can rely on and pray she comes around , but don't spend your precious moments "working" on her spend your time on your child and husband and yourself.

Whoo, that's a lot to deal with... for you *and* your husband. It sounds like you have a good plan, based on your update. I would only add two things. One, maybe you can invite your dad out for lunch. Just because he's hard of hearing and lives with your mom doesn't mean he should be left out (poor guy, lol). And two, you are just beginning your second chance at the parent-child relationship. All of this is such a powerful lesson in how to become the mother you wish you could have.

Hugs,

S. :+)

Hi C.,
I highly recommend that you read the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. This will change your life. It's such an easy read, you can probably read it in one sitting. But I tell my friends to read one agreement each day, finishing the book in four days.

You will want to keep this book by your bed and continue to re-read it every several months or so.

Let me know what you think after you've read it,
J.

Some people are plain difficult. At some point you have to let go of the emotional burden and cease carrying the pain of your mother's sins.

You can argue that she is ultra sensitive but in acting the way she does, she too is ultra insensitive. I have been there , done that with own mother. Although the situation is a bit different (she has a tendency to treat one kid above all others. She did it when we were little and she does it to the grandkids now. ) but the gist is pretty much the same. You are basically getting hurt over the actions of another.

I will remind you of something you already know. You can only control what you do. Other peoples actions well... sometimes you have to let it go and put that all on them. Let her be miserable on her own and let the hurt slide off you like water off a ducks back. Don't know about your mom but people like that usually have a dose of narcissist. She may not be open to talking about it unless you monopolize the conversation with "I'm sorry mamas." I bet she is looking at this whole situation as being your hubby's fault. You may not be able to win this one with her. I would personally just totally ignore her little tantrum and pretend that it didn't bother you one bit because really (although easier said that done) it shouldn't because the behavior is downright silly. You already called her and emailed her. Her situation is sad but what more can you do?

(((HUGS)))

I had a very difficult situation with my mom and I didn't want to speak to her for a long time. After 10 months of almost no communication I found out from my brother that she was in the hospital with terminal cancer. She died 2 months later. I spent as much time as I could with her during those last 2 months but I kept kicking myself when I thought about those other 10 months that I could have had with her.
Look at the situation as I finally did. Your mother is not all there, she is handicapped in her own way. People who have handicaps require an extraordinary amount of patience on your part. It won't be easy, but don't give up. She will not change most likely, but your view of your relationship can change. Send her hand written cards and letters, but don't expect anything in return just do things for loves sake.
Good luck! Remember, you never know what life might throw your way.