Wisdom and Advise Needed

Hi L.,
I feel your pain. I too come from the same and had to make the decision that was best for my sanity and my home. The only difference is I am the only child. I have to to cut ties with family members. Your family comes first. When we married, it didn't lessen the importance of other family members but their is a priority and boundaries that are very important. I am praying for you and you'll make the right decision just don't allow yourself to carry any guilt. People no matter if they are family are friends have to have boundaries or they will run over you and use you.
E.

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L.,
I don't know much about you or what your family is like. But I do know this - you are a grown woman, with a family of your own. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF, YOUR HUSBAND & YOUR CHILDREN. You can only live your life, influence and support your husband and raise your children.
You are not responsible for your mom's bad choices or anyone elses. While it is true that you should honor your father and your mother & help your siblings - you can't live their lives for them or make their choices for them- nor should you be responsible for cleaning up their problems for them. When you go behind people and clean up their 'messes' - you make them dependent upon you & in dsyfunctional terms that means you make them dependent and unable to clean up their own life. It makes you co-dependent and enables them to continue to live the way they do.
You need to tell your family that you love them very much; that you will be glad to give advice; but you will not under any circumstances make any decisions for them. You also need to make it clear to them that they must have some kind of solution on their own before they even call you. They have to own up to the fact that they are responsible for their own happiness and they are responsible for their decisions and behavior. This is a hard place to be in; just continue to pray about it and start stepping back slowly. Think of your family - your husband and your children & be selfish enough to think about how this is affecting YOUR life. Much luck to you.

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I too grew up w/disfunctional family. I want to do the same thing and it IS a hard decision to make. I would just distance myself as much as possible & if they ask 'why' then just explain that you don't live the same way they do & it makes you uncomfortable around them. Tell them that you love them (whether you do or not) but you have to live as YOU want to, not they way they think you should. Good luck!!

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I don't think you walk away, just realize you can't live their lives for them and the decisions they make are their own and not yours. I, too, had a hard time learning this, but eventually I was able to get over my guilt. (As if I could make the right decisions for them and live it out for them.) I think you need to pray for your family, love your family, but don't let their choices affect you. Otherwise, your own immediate family will be hurt. Praying for you!

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I believe you walk away when you are in danger (physically/emotionally) or when there is an addiction (drugs/alcohol) involved. Anything else, and you may have on again/off again periods, but family is always there and we were given our families to learn.

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leave your parents and cleve to your spouce. 17 years ago was the time you were suppose to leave your family and focus on your husband and family. i say now is good of time as any. sometimes when your helping people your actually just not letting them grow and take care of themselves. its tough love but its love to let them be on there own. good luck i know it will be hard but its the right thing to do. see them on holidays call them still be there friend but not there support system.

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I would say as a sister in christ to her fellow sister...
Keep on loving them as God would love them. you can set boundaries if there needs to be some with the family members, but always show love. We have issues in our family as well, but we try to make them all feel loved as God loves them even if we are not as close to them as we'd like to be because of their lifestyle choices... also, pray, pray, pray... God can change hearts and lives. Don't give up, it may take many many years but you are the light in your family to show them the love of Christ.

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Hi L.. I can definitely relate to you on this one. Being there for your family doesn't mean being an active part of their life and enabling them. Especially if they are making poor choices. Being there for your family means you intercede for them with prayer and if you want to, listen to them when they call. Just yesterday my sister called me crying because she got pulled over because her tags and inspection were expired. Her insurance is also lapsed. She doesn't know how she will be able to pay for the ticket. As much as I would love to help her, I can't because she has a boyfriend who lives with her and doesn't work (by choice). If I help her, I would be enabling her and I can't do that. If her boyfriend would get a job, she would have the money to get her car legal. I just told her that I loved her and that everything would work out. Perhaps you should seek the counsel of your pastor. I will pray for you and God Bless!

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You have to remember that the choices your family memebers make are not necessarily your choices...nor do they have to be.

If the lifestyle of your family members does not line up with the choices of you, your husband and your family, do not feel as if you need to integrate them into your lives.

What examples do you want your children to see and live by - your examples or the examples of your family members.

You can always limit your exposure to them for holidays and birthdays.

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It depends on what you mean by walk away. Don't turn your back on giving them advice and lend an ear when needed. But, don't financially support them, etc. if it is not going to handled wisely or paid back if a loan. They are not your responsibility other than to be a good sibling and daughter. In order to fulfill that obligation, it is only to be there for them when you can and when it is truly needed. But, if they are a bunch of babies and it is only hurting your marriage and family, then you have to back off. I wish I could give you more specific advice, but I don't understand your specifics. You are not obligated to financially support your extended family. But, you are obligated to be there, when you can, in times of trouble and to honor and show respect to your parents (even when they don't deserve it). But, that does not mean that it should cost you your own immediate family. It should only be when it is at your disposal to do so. The Bible says not to turn your neighbor away when it is convenient to help him (proverbs). But, it doesn't expect you to go into debt to help him. It is when you are able to help him, you should. You have to set limits.

With a family of your own you have been doing good that care for them. Your siblings etc. have got their own and need to do the same, without your help. You can be a shoulder that is as far as you can go. They will find a way and hopefully will go the right direction. It is their choice.

Maybe you don't necessarily have to kick them out of your life, just let them know their new boundaries. You don't have to be everyone's rock. Just let them know how you feel. If they want to be a part of your life them they will respect you.

Hi L.,
sounds like you are a very warm and caring person and one who truly loves and cares for her family. One rule- my family comes first- this is not to say that nothing matters for any one in my extended family- but that my family comes first.........so having said that it is time to just let your extended family know that you love them and will always be around to "pick up the pieces" but if they make bad choices the consequences will be theirs.
While seeing them fall and get hurt hurts you it is time for them to learn to rely on themselves and their decisions.
Life's experiences have taught you things you want to prevent them from experiencing- but how will they grow if they don;t experience things for themselves.
you don;t need to "totally walk away" ...just take some steps backwards and loosen the ropes for them. They will fall and get tangled up but if they pick them selves up- or untangle the ropes themselves they will be stronger.
be there if they "ask" for advice or help but don't offer.........or if they ask- simply put the question back on them with "well, what do you want to do......or what do you think will happen if you do such and such......" etc
since you have been such a strong support system for such a long time it may take some time for them to realize they actually need to make their own decisions and live with them as best they can.
As you begin this process it will be hard for you just to "let go" but if you give this issue to the Lord, he will see you thru it and the results will be marvelous.
good luck and blessings

I don't think its a matter of walking away, but maybe changing focus and busying yourself with the needs of your immediate family. If you've been the support system, then you may be part of the dysfunction, too. You may be the enabler that allows them to stay in the same bad place that they have been in your whole life. Maybe instead of walking away, you can call it a step back to get perspective. You can still love your extended family (mine is crazy, but I love them, and boy have they all been doing a lot of growing lately!) but you need to make sure folks know you are busy concentrating on your husband and kids. If the need is financial that you are meeting you need to look seriously at your immediate family's needs and budget every dime of them before setting asside funds to help others. Hope this helps.

L.,
I grew up with a wonderful family, very supportive and loving, so I do not know exactly where you are comeing from. But, I have had MANY friends that were as close to me as family that at some point I finally had to disconnect from. I know family is totally different and I know that my family help to mold me into the person I have become, and I know that they help me make the decision to disconnect. BUT, with that said, I would have never been able to do that without God, and without my present family of my husband and two girls. Put your priorities in order and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY... God Bless you.

Walking away is probably not what you really want to do. What you want to do is to figure out how to change your behavior so that your life is productive and fulfilling even with dysfunctional family members. You can't change their behavior, but you can change yours.
Start by setting a boundary and sticking to it. For example,"Mom, thanks for calling to let me know what is going on. I'm not able to discuss this situation with you right now. I am focused on caring for the kids. Let me know when things straighten out, I'll be thinking about you. Love you, bye." And don't let her hijack your whole day with the drama. I know it's hard to break these patterns, but once you start, they will respect your space if you respect it.
You are REALLY brave to recognize the dysfunction and want to do something about it!

The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud is a must for you. Someone already mentioned it. It talks about supporting, not enabling, those we love. Some people are like a black hole that suck the energy out of your life. Helping them continue this behavior is not benefiting them either.

I agree with Pam B. I took a Boundaries class through my church over the summer and it really opened my eyes to things I did and said in hopes to keep the peace between my then-husband. All it ended up doing was hurting my relationship. Healthy boundaries are good for all involved. I'd definitely recommend the book and the class if it's offered somewhere near year. The book was great at laying out things, but the authors put together a video that really went into great detail.

L.,
It is hard to walk away from your family in most ways...all these ladies have gave you great advise but my advise is to search your heart and in your heart you know the answers to your problems as God is in your heart. He will give you the answers you need. They are your family and you can't not turn your back on them but you have to have limits. Not knowing what the problems are I can't tell you the limits you need to apply but there needs to be limits of you time, money, or whatever it is that is causeing you grief. Good luck and pray about this, he will guide you.

Hi L.
I know its hard to walk away but believe me its what is best for you. I have disfunction in my family too and with one of my sisters it was always an on again off again relationship. Finally about 2 yrs ago I decided to walk away. I feel so much better w/o all the stress to deal with. I "keep in touch" through Facebook but thats the extent. My other sister I have absolutely NO contact with. She said some things that cannot be taken back. I will never have anything to do with her again. I get along great with my older brother. We have an everyday relationship. He is on board with me with our sisters also. It saddens me to be this way, but it didn't just start. We have always been this way. My life is just so much better. The stress, arguing, I'm better than you stuff, is all gone. I just live my life for my husband and son and my brother and his family. I guarantee you will feel so much better. It will not happen immediately. It will take some time . Good luck...

Excellent book: When to Speak Up and When to Shut Up by Dr. Michael Sedler!!!

Written from a Biblical perspective, and a very quick read for busy people! Only 156 pages, is in paperback and I am about 2/3 done with it. I bought it b/c I was having major problems with a very mouthy, very opinionated, selfish co-worker and wasn't sure what to do.

I found it in the grocery store in one of those end aisle displays for $ 5.00 ! I highly recommend it.

There's a book called Boundries - I'd buy it and read it. Some may feel very hostile to begin with, but YOU"LL feel better and don't let them guilt you into caving. I'll tell you something that I tell my kids all the time.....Consider people who do the right thing as wearing white gloves. All the bad stuff is MUD. You can not hang out in the mud without dirtying the white gloves and you NEVER see clean mud, only dirty gloves. Destructive behavior rubs off on everyone around it and until they see it as such, they will not change. Be kind, be polite - but set boundries and STICK to them. In case it isn't clear, I wouldn't cut ties - you'll only be doing the what if thing later. Don't get angry, just set boundries. Good Luck.