Wills

We were in a similar boat. My parents are in their 70's but very close to our kids, and my husband's parents are in their 60's but far away and not as close emotionally to the kids. Both of our sisters are unmarried, so we looked at our friends. We spent about 2 years deciding, and ended up chosing dear friends of ours who also have two kids, who we spend a lot with and who our kids adore. (The 3 year old calls them 'aunt and uncle' already.) We told my parents, and my mom understood - but it took some time with my dad. (My husband's family was fine with it. ) My sister would be upset, but she couldn't handle raising them on her own, and frankly, i feel i have more in common with my friends than her. So we chose not to tell her. If she or my sister in law get married and we love their husbands and the way they live their lives, we decided we could always change custody to them later.

Back to not chosing our parents: we decided that our kids will always have that special bond with their grandparents, but it would be important for them to feel like they had parents (not to mention "siblings") as well. I mean, how shattering would it be to lose your grandparents, who were like parents to you, as a child or as a teen? When i explained this to my dad, i think it made him realize he was being selfish. And besides, looking at the practical side: he and my mom get pooped now from a few hours of babysitting a toddler and an infant, so how could they tote 2 boys to baseball games in 10 years time?

But what it came down to chosing friends we had to think about a couple who had similar values as us, and would expose our kids to the same things in life we will expose our kids to. I think that's important to think about. I hope this helps. Feel free to write me back if you want more thoughts. Good luck - i know it's not easy!

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I have 3 boys. And I set it up so that if anything happens to me, they get custody of the kids. However, if they are unable to then My oldest sister and her husband, and as a last resort for now, My little sister. She is engaged, and has no children of her own yet. Always think about what would be best for all people involved. And make sure who you pick will be able to care for the children the way that you and your husband would.

Hi there, Wow- my husband and I were in the same situation last year. It was our 4 year Anniversary and we wanted to take a "Honeymoon" for a week (we never had one cuz I got pregnant unexpectly while we were engaged). Anyways, we talked about it and decided to make out a short will stating that the kids should go to my parents if anything was to happen to us while on our vacation. My husbands parents said it was okay since they were planning on moving to Florida to retire there. My parents are in their 50's also, but my husband and I felt that they would take great care of our children while being reasonable with letting my husbands parents take them once in a while. You'll need to decide who would take the best care of your children being their situation and willingness to make everyone happy by agreeing to let the other parents, friends, and family see the children also. Good Luck and have a great vacation! :)

Well it is a tough decision but my husband and I just did our will to make sure if anything happened our home and savings would not go to the state but to our children. We picked guardians by determining who would do what was best. I come from a big family and all my siblings have children and would not want to burden them. My husband also comes from a big family and has one sister and brother-n-law that were not able to have kids but absolutely love them. We talked to them and how they would feel about it first. Ultimately you have to find someone that will love and keep your childs best interest at hand. Good luck

I'm going through this same problem, and have almost gotten to a solution. So, I'll tell you what we did so far. First off, you need to write out a list of possible candidates. It depends on who you know that has values that you hold dear. Even a single person, with good values, is a good choice. Next, you need to contact each of the people you would consider. Talk to them to make sure that they would not consider it an inconvenience to raise the children. I know it sounds horrible to phrase it that way. But, you don't want to name someone that would prefer not to act as a parent. It's not wrong for grandparents to feel like they would like to put their child-rearing days behind them. And it doesn't make them love the kids any less. It's just that this is their time to relax. You also need to make sure that someone that says they are willing to raise your children also knows everything that goes with that resposiblity, such as are the candidates willing to make sure that the kids get to stay in contact with all other relatives. It's not an easy choice. I had a really hard time, because all I knew for sure is that I did not want my sister to raise my son. I love her, but her children were unholy brats.

Good luck with all of this. It's not an easy choice. But, it's possibly the most important decision you can make as a parent.

Hi T.,

You request popped in the "Spotlight" section and caught my eye. Maybe you have already taken care of this, but we chose one of our siblings. We wanted our kids to be raised in the most similar environment possible as our own. The sibling that we chose has children, and we are very close to them. They are able to provide a life to thier children that I hope to be able to provide to mine.

As far as the hurt feelings, I wouldn't even bother telling anyone except for who you choose. Why bother starting a tiff over something that (hopefully) will never take place anyway? If our other siblings ever find out, we will probably be dead, and the will has been long written up and can't be changed. It is OUR wishes for OUR children that will be carried out-not a COURTS wishes for OUR children.

I work in this "industry" and you also need to make sure that you leave your children's caregiver enough life insurance to make sure that they can carry out the life that you would have wanted to provide for your children.

And remember, if there is anyone that you DO NOT want to have custody of your kids, than you better get to an attorney and make sure that your wishes are known in writing. It will also be much easier on your kids to not have to go through a custody battle after losing thier two favorite people in the world.

Let me know if you have any questions or need a referral to a good attorney.

K..

I know this is late from when you posted but oh well. My husband and I wrote our wills after our son was born. He will become the responsibility of my sister and her family (they have 2 kids now). Controlling the financial side of things are my inlaws. This is a tough decision but needs to be done. Good luck!

That is a difficult decision and unfortunatly we are in the same situation. My boys are 13 and 15 but do have special needs. One more so then the other. The only people in their lifes are my mom and their step dads mom whom loves them more then anything. But they are older and we don't have anyone we can put who we would trust taking them. The only thing going for us is their age but who do we use. We will probably put my husbands mom just because she is a much bigger part of their life and 10 yr younger then my mom. All I can tell you is nothing is in concrete and we never know what path we will head down or the people we chose. It is scary to think about not being there for our children. I think you need to chose the ones who spend the most time with your children and who will be home the most. Not ones who want to travel the world etc. You have to do what you feel is right for your children. I wish you the best in your decision.

I just read that you should always make sure to talk to the people you want to appoint first. The article also said to be sure to appoint a gaurdian, a back-up, and some to be in charge of any money for the kids. They said to be sure to keep several people in the loop.

I urge you to check Suze Orman's info on this type of thing. She's got a website suzeorman.com My husband and I are doing the will think so that our son has a place to go and will be provided for. Good luck.

My husband and I need to do this too. We keep putting it off because we can't agree. I don't want to leave brendan in the care of either of our sets of parents, they are old, my family is not in good health (I won't even let him stay there overnight without me yet) and his are a lot older (in their 60's). He wants to give guardianship to his Brother and his Brother's wife. His brother drinks, though not as much as he used to. They fight ALL the time, in fact just recently he was scheduled to go visit a friend of his and they got in a fight so he just left without word three days early! This is not a stable relationship. I want to give guardianship to my Best friend, who has always been like a sister to me. He worries that she isn't stable enough. She's in school full time and works full time as well. She lives with her mother currently so she CAN go to school. She will probably get her degree in elementary education in a year. She is unmarried. I still don't know what to do....I wish you luck.

I just want to start out by saying when you set something up, make sure you discuss the paperwork with a lawyer that specializes in wills and trusts. Most likely you would want to set up a trust for your children and their caregivers. This way the state doesn't have to deal with it and they wouldn't have to wait for the court to decide it was ok for your children to have thier money. This also eases the burden on the new caregivers in the event of something happening to you. It can take up to 18 months for probate courts to distribute your assets.
After that being said we did pick my husbands brother and his wife, but if they do get divorced or something happen to them, my brother and his wife who don't have kids would take care of my child.
It is a very difficult decision. One that nobody else should make for you. I agree with weighing out pros and cons to all the people you are considering.

Good luck,
A.

Hi T.,
My fiance and I have three children one in which is his from a previouse relationship and we have custody and there is no contact with his biological mother. We have talked off and on of who to place the children with incase of the worst. We have one friend that is there for us no matter what and he has no children nor is he married we hope that one day he will find the one for him, but we have either decided on him or my sister she has only one child and my fiance's brother and sister each have two children already that and I don't care for their disciplinary skills. The problem we have is where our oldest son will go to because of us not being married yet and his bio-mother can still take him in any event unfortunately but we are working on that issue. My fiance's family I know will want all the children but between my sister and our great friend they are more financially abe to take all three children. The biggest fear I have is that the younger two may get seperated from the oldest and we need to make it clear that there will be visitation to all relatives on our sides of the family. So my advice is make sure when you make the Will that it states that you want family members to have visitation with your children.
J.