Why Is My 6 Year Old Soooo Defiant?

If it were any one of the three things you mentioned I might say, this is typical kid stuff pushing boundaries and buttons. But all this together and her decision to say she isn't upset (because she knows that will get your attention if she says she doesn't care, right? Even your anger and punishments are a form of attention and she's gettting it) -- it all makes me think you should make an appointment to see the school counselor. Talk to the counselor first alone, just you and the counselor, and then set up a series of times when the counselor can see your daughter. A good counselor will make those meetings fun -- games, or books they read together in that time, or lunch "dates" -- and should work with your daughter on why she seems to need attention so badly, and why she lacks an idea of boundaries (especially with touching or hurting other kids). It would be better to go ahead and have your child talking this out with someone now than to dismiss it, as some parents might, as "Just growing pains" and let it go on.

You mention that you are divorced; could it be that she is feeling but hasn't expressed to you some stress and/or anger over having two places to live? Are there other siblings in the picture and she wants more attention for herself? Are there other adults, like new boyfriends or girlfriends for mom or dad, and that makes her crave more attention? Is she having other issues in school, such as academic struggles that make her want to throw up her hands and say "I give up, I'll just do what I like to get through the day"? There are a lot of unanswered questions like these that don't come up in the post. That's why it might be a good idea to have another, third party, someone who's professionally experienced in working with kids, talking to her. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask the counselor if her behavior seems to warrant getting a referral to a child psychologist; it may not be at that stage yet, especially if you intervene immediately. But do sit down with the counselor (with your ex present if you can) and work through whatever stresses she may be under that could be triggering a need for attention. Even "negative attention" like being punished for these actions is still attention and kids willl do silly or very inappropriate things to act out and get adults to notice them.

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You have a fussy baby, she has a disability you have not been quiet about, you and dad are divorced. Her world is a mess.

She needs some attention, positive attention.
Leave baby with dad, THen take your little 6 yo out, even if it's just McD's.
Read to HER every night. Let dad take the baby, he can drive baby around the block if he is cranky.
Give her something to strive for. My oldest got chocolate milk for dinner if he behaved at school and brought home a smiley face.
Ask the counselor at school if she can give your daughter some one on one positive attention. Just going to her office to play Crazy 8's might help. My youngest acted out during my hubby's last deployment. He would go with the counselor and play ball in the halls. It helped a lot and he had something to look forward to on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Have consequences for her.
She is trying to make sense of the new life and right now she is lost in the world of occupied adults.

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This doesn't sound "defiant" it sounds like perfectly normal behavior. Children are not perfect. They annoy their friends, and sometimes they are NOT sorry about what they did. Also I don't know of many little girls who HAVEN'T attempted to cut their own hair at one point or another, including both my daughters (one at age two, the other at age four.) If she cuts it, she will have to live with it, but honestly why not take this opportunity to take her to the salon for a haircut? Leave the baby at home and spend an afternoon together. Having a newborn in the house is a big adjustment for both you and her, but you are the grown up and she is only six. Please try to cut her some slack and "tolerate" her a little more.

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Counselor time - school counselor and or family counselor.

I'm not saying you should tolerate this behavior, BUT, sometimes adults don't stop and think about how children are affected by major changes in their world, and we don't always prepare them or help them deal with it cause it doesn't always occur to us.

Put yourself in her shoes - parents aren't together, mommy just had a new baby she spends ALL her time with (that's probably how it feels to her and honestly, as a mom of a newborn, that's kinda true). She needs help to adjust, and you'll need tools to help deal with all the changes.

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I don't think your child has a disability or is even 'snotty'...It's her hair, she is coming into her own self, if she wants to cut her hair, take her to the salon & allow her to have it cut.

Girls do things to boyz, boyz do things to girlz when they annoy each other.

As to the butt thing, I am not even going to get into what my girlz & my friends & I did to 'check each other out' sometimes, whether people admit it or not this is natural, I am wondering about it ____@____.com sounds to me as if you don't, 'tolerate' much, maybe THAT is the reason she does these things @ her dad's & @ school...I think you need to cut her some slack, somewhere, somehow.That doesn't mean you shouldn't let her know that these things about other childrens personal space shouldn't be addressed, just in a kinder, more loving way, mama.

Kidz are kidz are kidz are kidz!

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I don't recall this with my older daughter, but my younger one seems to have had some hormonal changes, or something.

Last weekend she asked if I would remove all the princess stuff from her room and told me she was not my little princess, she was my daughter. This was not a conversation we held, but just at random. Then she was telling me she has outgrown her bedspread and wanted a new one. I found one on discount, asked if she wanted it and bought it for her.

While removing all the princess stuff, I moved her furniture around and changed the bedspread. Now she closes her door and asked her dad to knock before he comes in.

We all kind of laugh, but I think her hormones must have changed...at 6!

While your daughter may not have asked to remove the princess stuff, she seems to be acting in a different manner than what you are used to. Something has changed.

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It sounds normal. It also sounds like she gets punished, rather than talked to. Why does she keep trying to cut her hair? Maybe she wants it short, maybe it is getting in her eyes, maybe she wants to experiment with cutting hair. All of these are valid and should be addressed. She is 6, if she wants short hair, take her to get it cut. She is entitled to her feelings - maybe she is not upset that she stepped on a boy's feet - maybe she is feeling that she stood up for herself. What did she say when you asked her about it? She is old enough to talk to. I do not expect 'obedience' from my son, any more than I expect it from my employees or my husband.

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work with the school counselor & see if, between the two of you, solutions can be figured out. It is amazing how much the school can help, if you just ask!

Another thought would be for you & your ex to watch the video "1-2-3 Magic". It will teach you how to discipline your child in a very effective manner. Been using the system for years now!

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The answer to your question? Because you let her.

Read John Rosemond's "Well Behaved Child." It will rock your world. We read it about 4 months ago and our children are great. Life is SO much easier. Get your daughter's dad to read it too.

Good luck

I believe in the reward system. Let her know if she behaves well in school and doesn't get in trouble, she gets a reward...(money, treat, whatever she likes), if she doesn't behave, she won't get it.

This has worked amazingly well for me. Something as small as a package of fruit snacks has been my reward.

My six year old boy was an angel till about 4 months ago. He's going through a defiant stage too. Talking back, mocking, playing mean little tricks on other kids, etc.

My eight year old used to be the wild and awful one. He is now a calm, content, super smart, interesting little boy. I got a HUGE compliment yesterday from the daycare supervisor at the gym.

They go through phases. Harder on us than them. Keep your head up, hold your temper, and be consistent with discipline. She'll turn around.

All I can say is Thank God, I'm not alone! I have the same kid on my hands. Aggressive, bossy, judgmental, and exhausting. I got an mp3 book, it's also available in print, "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I found a lot of the information in there to be very helpful to me in understanding my beastie. http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=rasing+your...

We've been working with her teacher and the school's "building assistance team" and are just starting to see some improvement. We've created a reward system for her. Right now, we're just focusing on two sections of the morning and hoping that good behavior will spill over into other parts of the day. She has the opportunity to earn three stars each in reading and in spelling; one for kind words and actions, one for not interrupting, and one for following directions.

If she gets five or six stars in a day, I give her a sheet of scratch and sniff stickers (her new obsession). And, at the end of the week, we total up her stars and she can get rewards based on the number of stars she has. She has options like baking day with dad, or a craft with mom for lower numbers and top rewards are a lunch and a movie date with mom or dad or a trip to the toy store.

We're just starting this, but it does seem to be having some success. Knock on wood.

I would say just a phase, keep up with discipline and consequences, btu also remember to reward GOOD behavior. As for cutting her hair, I would take the hint and talk to her about why she keeps trying to cut her hair, ask her how she would like it to look ( how short, what type of style) and maybe use the incentive of going to the salon for a big girl hair cut as a reward to a certain amount of good behavior???

As for the stepping on a boy's feet because he was being annoying - what exactly was he doing? - he could've been hitting or physically annyoing her....explain that is not he right way to handle it - and that she should tell the teacher if anyone is being annoying, not take it into her own hands. As for touching butts - talk about private parts ( anything covered by a swimsuit is a private part) and that we never touch someone else's or let them touch ours.

As for snotty attitude and not feeling bad about misbehavior, she needs consequences to make her feel bad at this age, she obviously doesn't understand yet the intrinsic "naughtiness" involved/why she shouldn't do it.

If it were me, I would try to get her to focus more on what she SHOULD be doing, keep her busy with chores and accomplishments and rewards....make her a chart where she can earn stickers or checkmarks or whatever for doing good things, things she can do at her age include: feeding and watering the pets, setting the table, emptying the dishwasher, making her bed, folding laundry, putting away laundry, cleaning her room, dusting....and as she earns those reward symbols, stickers or whatever, make a scale of what kind of bigger reward she gets at the end of the week in exchange for whatever number of stars earned. You could also take it a step further - make a list of common misbehaviors ( mouthing off/attitude/sass, hitting, kicking or otherwise hurting others, trying to cut her hair, damaging toys or other belongings, losing things, not finishing homework), and how many stars get taken off her total for each misbehavior. Then at the end of the week, tally up the total, explaining what she wouldv'e gotten for all the good behaviors, and what she is going to get because of the removal of rewards for the bad behaviors.

Good Luck!

Jessie